Biggest Regret

*While this is a stand-alone story, it is a continuation, and it references events that took place in ‘Sundays with Shirley.’

I laid in bed after a long day of cooking lessons with Grandma Shirley. We’d been cooking together, Grandma Shirley, myself, and Lulu—who, of course, did more tasting and spoon licking than cooking, in one way or another for almost a year. It had been two months since I’d come out while asking Grandma Shirley to teach me how to cook. After that first Sunday, when Grandma showed up with a box full of cookbooks, both handmade and store-bought, she started coming by earlier in the day, just after breakfast instead of right before lunch.

We would plan the menu together, make out a shopping list, and head to the store. Sometimes we would throw something in the crockpot so it would be ready for us when we returned. Lulu liked to stand guard in the kitchen while we shopped.

That first Sunday, we ordered a pizza and poured through the cookbooks making notes of all the dishes that I wanted to learn. We settled on seven ‘beginner’ dishes, and Grandma taught me how to plan out a shopping list. She also had a second list for staples, the things that were good to always have on hand. Once we had our lists, we headed over to the Safeway, where Grandma showed me how to choose my produce and other fresh ingredients. After gathering all the fresh things I would need for the week, we set about checking off the items on the staples list. For these, she advised that moving forward, I should make a note when I was running low and add them to my weekly list, but also to keep an eye in the weekly adverts as it wasn’t a bad idea to stock up whenever they went on sale.

When we returned, we made cold cuts for lunch and shared the most honest conversation I’d ever had with anyone in all my thirty-six years.

Grandma thought for sure she had let me down since I’d never felt comfortable discussing my sexuality with her. She outwardly wondered if anyone in the family had ever hinted that it was not okay for me to be gay.

I tried to explain that while no one ever outright expressed any homophobic sentiments, from the time I was a little boy, it was ingrained in me that there were certain things I could and could not do. That one day, I would have a wife who would do the things that the women were supposed to do. My having a wife was never a question, only an expectation. I further explained that we went to church service every Sunday. The teachings of the church were that homosexuality was a sin. Both Mom and Dad insisted that we live our lives centered around Christ and the teachings of the church. My mission and purpose in life were to marry a nice girl and have a family that we, too, raised in a way that was centered around Christ and the teachings of the church. My sexuality was also never a question, always an assumption.

We moved on and discussed the possibility of coming out to Mom and Dad, I wasn’t quite sure I was ready to do that just yet.

That day we prepped all the dishes together to reheat throughout the week, but the following week we started making only our Sunday lunches and dinners together. For the rest of our meals, we prepared the ingredients, chopping, and dicing as needed so they would be ready to go on their designated nights. We would video chat as we cooked and take our first bites together before we said goodbye for the evening.

Just learning, I always followed the recipes exactly, but nothing really tasted how it did when Grandma made the dishes. I wasn’t ready to give up, so the following week, I told this to Grandma. She said that the recipes were guidelines, not rules, and that eventually, I would learn to feel the seasonings. As time has gone on, I have, and I am definitely more confident in the kitchen.

Grandma Shirley also helped me to find the confidence to come out to my parents. I was terrified, but she and Lulu were right by my side. It was a month ago, we’d invited Mom and Dad over to show them my new-found skills in the kitchen. As we sat down to eat, Mom joked that I must have given up on finding a wife. Dad grumbled about having already found one and messing it all up. Dad’s childhood friend, Robert, had a daughter my age and our families just assumed we would end up together, that was until I called off the wedding. He was still sore that his relationship with Robert had suffered some.

It was the scariest moment of my life, though it all turned out all right in the end.

*~*~*~*

“Jakey has something to tell you both, and you will sit here and hear him out, understood?”

“Yes, mother,” Dad grumbled.

“Of course, Shirley.” Mom seemed bored. She and Grandma Shirley had a frosty relationship, having very different ideas on what made a good wife. She assumed this was, in some way, another opportunity to criticize her life choices.

“Go ahead, Jakey. Lulu and I are right here.” And they were one on each side of me.

“I want you to both know that I love you. I in no way meant to lie to you for this long.” Mom sat up straighter, no longer thinking this was some sort of attack on her mothering capabilities. Dad looked from Grandma Shirley to me and back again.

“We’re listening, Jacob.” Mom said, reaching out a hand to me.

I pulled away. I knew it stung her, but I couldn’t handle the thought that she may pull away from me after hearing what I had to say. I didn’t want to be forced to find out.”

“I’m gay.”

After what felt like forever, mom clapped her hands together, “I knew it!”

She didn’t, but it was easier for her to pretend like she did rather than to admit she didn’t truly know her son.

Grandma Shirley rolled her eyes in response.

Dad remained quiet longer, staring at his hands that were folded on the table in front of him. Mom placed one hand gently on his arm, he unfolded his hands and took it his own.

“Jacob,” Grandma was speaking to dad, “Do you understand what Jakey is telling you?”

“I understand what he’s saying, mom.” He looked at me, not quite meeting my eyes, “Are you sure you are, son?”

“Yeah, Dad, I’m sure. I only just admitted it to myself, but I’ve known for a while.”

“Did you know when you asked Abi to marry you?”

That stung, the sound of her name.

“I don’t know how to answer that. I think I’ve always known. I just didn’t allow myself to accept it. I didn’t want to let you down.”

Dad stood as he reached for me and pulled me into him. “You could never let me down, Jacob. You are my son, and I love you, no matter who you love.” He was crying. “I’m so sorry that you’ve never felt like you could tell me.”

Grandma Shirley stood up, “That’s my boys. Let’s eat, Lulu’s starving!”

*~*~*~*

Ever since Grandma mentioned ‘that girl it didn’t work out with right out of high school,’ and Dad said her name, I had been feeling guilty.

Before coming out, the last time I’d cried was the night I told Abigail I couldn’t marry her. I lost my best friend that night, but what’s worse is that I caused her so much pain. Pain that could have been avoided had I been honest with the people in my life about who I was.

I thought back on my conversation with Grandma Shirley earlier today.

“Grandma?”

“Yeah, Jacob?”

“Do you have any regrets?”

We had just sat down to the table to enjoy the Italian pork stew that had been in the slow cooker all day. It was amazing.

“That’s an interesting question.” She thought for a minute. “I don’t think so. I’ve tried to live my life being honest, kind, and safe.”

I nodded. Grandma Shirley was kind to all. She lived to serve others, not because she had to, but because she wanted to.

“Recently, I’ve regretted not knowing the real you sooner. I cannot help but think back to how I missed it.”

“You didn’t miss anything. I hid this part of me from everyone, including myself. How could you know if I didn’t?”

She nodded, but I’m not sure she agreed. “What has you so reflective anyway, Jakey?”

“It’s nothing Grandma, I was just thinking back on the people I’d hurt because I was afraid.”

“Abi?”

“Abi.”

It was this conversation that was in my head as I drifted off to sleep.

*~*~*~*

“I swear, Abi! There’s no one else. It’s not you, really it’s—”

“Don’t you dare!” Abi shrieked. “Don’t you use those stupid clichés with me, Jacob Michaels!” She let out a sob as she cradled her face in her hands.

We were parked at the waterfront park; it was our place. The place our parents would bring us as kids to feed the seagulls while we watched the waves crash against the rocks as the ferries sailed by. It was here the day after she turned eighteen, that I proposed to her in the gazebo as we enjoyed a moonlit picnic. And it was here, in this same parked car the night she agreed to be my wife that we lost our virginity to each other. The same night that I realized what I was.

“Abi, I…” I stopped, what could I say that wouldn’t hurt her more? “I’m sorry, Abi. I’ll take you home.”

As we turned on to Abi’s street, I tried one final time. “Abi, you are the only girl I’ve ever loved, could ever love, and I’m so sorry that I’ve hurt you. You have my word that I will never love another girl. I know you don’t believe me, and you don’t want to hear this, but this really is about me, not you. I just wish I could make you understand, but I know I can’t. It wouldn’t be right for me to marry you without you knowing everything, and I can’t tell you.”

“I will never understand, Jacob. I gave you everything, and you just threw it all away! I will never forgive you for this for making me believe that you loved me.”

She had been sitting in the car beside me watching the houses as we drove by. She was twisting the ring I had placed on her finger three months ago. As soon as I pulled up to her house, she removed the ring from her finger, flung it at me, and threw open the door to run out of my life forever.

Tears streamed down my face as I made the short drive home.

*~*~*~*

I woke with a start. Sweat covering my body. The dream seemed so real like it was actually happening again.

After all these years, it still killed me that I’d hurt Abi. I hadn’t forgiven myself. I did love her; honestly, I did. I just wasn’t in love with her. She deserved someone who was someone who could be honest with her. I couldn’t even be honest with myself. That wouldn’t have been fair to her. I often wondered how her life turned out, if she’d moved on, found someone worthy of her, but Abi had become a taboo topic that I didn’t discuss.

She had been my best friend since we were toddlers, a result of our dad’s being best friends. I was a year ahead of her in school, but we belonged to the same friend group. We studied together, went to all the school dances together, and hung out on the weekends. We’d never discussed nor formally addressed becoming a couple, yet everyone assumed we were.

After graduation, Dad kept insisting that I make it official. He and mom sat me down at the table and presented me with Grandma Judy—Mom’s mom’s ring. They convinced me that I needed to make my move before someone else swept in and captured her heart.

I should have known when that thought didn’t cause me any anger or jealousy that I wasn’t making the right decision. It would’ve been better had I worked it out before asking.

I needed to figure out a way to make it right.

Lulu stirred beside me. I looked at the clock, 5:27 AM, the alarm would be going off in thirty-three minutes. “What do you say we start this day early, Lulu?”

Lulu didn’t seem impressed, but she proceeded to drag herself up to start the day.

*~*~*~*

On Monday morning, I had messaged my dad to ask if Abi was in the area. I knew that he still spoke to Robert, but I wasn’t sure if Abi was a taboo topic for them as well. He messaged back that she had recently returned and was staying with her parents. He didn’t question why I’d asked.

That night I sent her a letter.

Abi-

I know that I do not deserve this, and you do not owe me anything. I completely understand if you choose to destroy this letter without reading it. I also understand if you wish to ignore me, though I hope you do not.

I’m not asking forgiveness. I’m asking for a chance to explain, to give you the truth that you deserved, and that I was too afraid to provide you with all those years ago.

I will be at the gazebo this Saturday from 4:00 to 6:00. I hope that you will be willing to join me.

Respectfully yours,

-Jacob

I sent it with no expectations, if she showed, I would give her the truth she deserved, and if she didn’t, Lulu and I would enjoy a few hours in nature.

We’d been here about an hour, Lulu, and me, sitting on a Sherpa-lined blanket, another draped over Lulu and my back. Lulu beside me, her head in my lap. We had a pot of chicken noodle soup on the warmer waiting to take the chill off our bones when we got back home.

Lulu raised her head, alerting me that we were no longer alone.

I turned to the dock. It was dark, but the light the posts provide was enough for me to make out her features when she was closer. The years had been kind to her. She was still the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. Her red hair peeked out from beneath her knit cap, a scarf around her neck. She wore a gray pea-coat that flared at her hips and black knee boots over her blue jeans. I could see her breath as it mingled with the cold night air.

I stood to greet her. “Abi.”

“Jacob.” She was cordial, a little reserved as if she weren’t all that sure she wanted to be here. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been well.” Lulu nudged my hand, “Where are my manners, this is Lulu, she says it’s nice to meet you.”

Abi always loved dogs. Lulu worked wonders to ease the tension. She smiled, “Nice to meet you, Lulu.”

“Do you want to sit?”

She obliged, sitting on the other side of Lulu.

“I am sure my letter came as a surprise.”

“It did. I wanted to ignore it.”

“But you came.”

“I almost didn’t.”

“I would have understood.”

“I know you would have. That’s why I came.“

“I’m not sure I understand.”

“The boy I loved was kind. He cared for others. He was understanding. I saw that boy in your letter, not the monster I’d made you into.” She paused a moment, “but also, I need to know.”

It was the invitation I’d been waiting for. “Abi, when I said I loved you when I asked you to be my wife, I meant it. I’ve always loved you. I just didn’t realize, until that night, that it wasn’t in the way I should. I promised you that I would never love another girl, and I’ve kept that promise. Aside from Lulu, I haven’t loved anyone.”

I took a deep breath before continuing. “Abi, I’m gay. It’s only been two months since I’ve admitted it to anyone, including myself. I cannot apologize enough that my failure to admit who I was caused you pain. I understand if this changes nothing if you still hate me, but I felt like I owed you the truth.”

Abi didn’t respond.

You’d think that I’d be used to these silent moments after speaking my truth by now, but I wasn’t. They are still just as difficult as that first time with Grandma Shirley.

Finally, she spoke. “I stopped hating you long ago, but I am not sure that I can forgive you, at least not yet. I have spent the better part of seventeen years questioning my worth, wondering why I wasn’t enough for you. It has taken a long time for me to begin to heal those wounds.”

“I understand.”

“I think I’ll go now.” She rose. “Thank you. I think it helps, finally knowing the truth.”

I stood as well. “Thank you for coming, and for hearing me out.”

She nodded, and then she turned to leave.

As she opened her car door, I called out to her, “Goodbye, Abi.”

“At least, for now, Jacob.” She called back.

And then she was gone.