A Worthless Worrisome

"Oh no," I whispered after Johnny and I left the coffee house and parted ways. 

He's going to propose to me, I thought. 

To be honest, I had never really envisioned myself married to Johnny. He was handsome and strong, and quite the business man, but I suppose it was so good it couldn’t be true. As I stepped onto the bus, I banged my head against the window, not really feeling the pain. 

I stared at the moving grass, the concrete and buildings moving so fast. What would it be like to live with Johnny for the rest of my life? I loved him (at least I think I did), and wasn't that what mattered? Marriage is love and babies, isn't that what was taught in church? Or was it something like love, then marriage, then babies?

I couldn't remember. It'd been years since I'd gone to church with my family.

What was I supposed to do? I looked like an idiot, I'm sure, hitting my head like some kind of crazy addict. The woman next to me scooted over in her seat.

I didn't blame her.

I stopped banging my head and sat down on the cool fabric seat, running my hands over the metal rail. Mumbling to myself, I draped a hand over my eyes.

Is he the right one? I thought. How could someone ever tell if they've met the "one"?

I'd had boyfriends before, and serious ones at that, but we'd broken up after the first "I love you". Which was not said on my part. But Johnny and I loved each other, and my love could always grow, couldn't it?

What had even made me think that Johnny was going to propose, anyway? the little voice in my head asked.

Well, he was acting really weird. Like, more than usual. Hands were fidgety, mouth curling up in a smile, and he told me that he wanted to see me tonight at one of our favorite restaurants.

I don't think I've said this, but Johnny is normally a very serious person, hands always folded and only a polite smile shown in public.

I should know. I've known him for three years- the perfect time to propose.

I needed a sign. Something to tell me whether I should accept the upcoming proposal.

I bowed my head and folded my hands in a prayer.

"Lord," I prayed. "If you're out there, please give me a sign that tells me that I should marry Johnny. Maybe something clear and easy to see. Thanks in advance and amen."

As soon as I had finished, I heard a laugh and looked over to the lady who was sitting next to me.

"What?" I asked.

She laughed again. "Sweetie, God isn't a genie. You can't just expect him to grant your wish like he came out of a bottle, blue and all."

I frowned. "Then what is he supposed to be doing? I thought he promised a good life."

"No," she said. "He promised, for his followers, a blessed life."

"So won't he bless me by giving me a sign?"

She shook her head. "He might. But He's just looking out for what's best for you, sweetie. Even if it's not the thing you want to hear. God is sovereign."

At my blank face, she smiled. "Have you ever been to church before?" she asked.

"I went when I was a kid but haven't really been on my own," I said.

She nodded and rifled around her purse and produced what looked like a business card. The lady grabbed a pen and wrote something on it.

"Check out my church this Sunday," she said, handing it to me. "Oh, and feel free to call me any time. I wrote my number right there. This is my stop."

As she stepped off the bus, I said, "Thanks. I'll definitely check it out."

She smiled at me. "Of course. I hope to hear from you soon."

"Will do," I said, but once she left, my mind was back to searching for a sign.

When I thought about the light turning green and it did instantly, was that green a sign that meant go for it? Marry Johnny?

I didn't know.

As I walked across the street, my heels clip-clopping on the concrete, a paper flew from out of nowhere and hit my chest. I peeled the green flyer off. Just do it, it read.

I wasn't stupid enough to not know it was a Nike ad, I'll say that. But wasn't it fate that when I was trying to figure out a hard decision, it literally flew into my face?

Maybe I was reading too much into this.

Or maybe not.

I walked into the office, the elevator taking a shorter time than usual. Did it want me to hurry up and marry Johnny too?

My desk was organized and neat. Someone had obviously cleaned it up and filled up a mug of steaming hot coffee for me. Someone like...

"Katie! Hi!" Samira exclaimed, holding her coffee from spilling over and rushing over to my desk where I sat down.

"Hello, Samira," I said, opening my laptop. "Thanks for cleaning my desk. I've been so busy all week, I've practically forgotten about it. You're a lifesaver."

She frowned, pushing a piece of her hair behind her hair. "That wasn't me. I did fill up your coffee, but I didn't have the patience to deal with your desk."

"Oh." Then who did? I looked around the room, and everyone seemed engrossed in their work. More so than usual. Not a single one could look me in the eye.

Hmm. Suspicious activity in the workplace. Maybe this is the sign I've been waiting for. Perhaps Johnny told them about the announcement and has them in on the secret. Most people can't hold a secret very well.

"I reckon it's Alex who did it," Samira whispered, talking about the red-haired sales rep that worked behind me. As she moved and bent next to me, she said, "He's always doing things like this for you, Katie." She set her mug on my desk. I moved on a napkin.

"Why do you say so?" I asked cooly, because I did not like when people brought up the fact that Alex had a thing for me. I was nearly engaged, for goodness' sake. I couldn't afford to have my reputation ruined, and the same for Johnny.

"He has a thing for you, you know," she said. I rolled my eyes.

"I'm not stupid, Samira," I snapped. Whoa. Watch the temper. "I just... it was probably Johnny who did it. He comes in and out all the time. We're nearly engaged, you now. He's proposing to me tonight."

Her eyes shot up and she raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? He told you that?"

"Well, no..." I said, feeling a bit foolish that he hadn't confirmed anything. "But all the signs point to yes..."

"Oh, honey," she started. "He hasn't even come into the office this week. In fact-" A big, booming voice cut her off.

"Samira Jenkins, my office. Now." The commanding voice of Miss Caroline Levins cut through the air. Our CEO was rarely calm and always barking out an order. I'm just glad that today I wasn't the victim.

Unfortunately, Samira was. She straightened her back and pasted a smile on her face, but not before looking back at me and shooting me a look of pity.

What did that mean? Did she want to say how bad she felt because of all the wedding planning I was going to have to go through?

And what did she mean, he hadn't come into the office? For the past three years, Johnny had been a doting boyfriend, dropping off lunch for me or staying out late with me even though he had to work the next morning. He loved me and I loved him. That's how it went.

Or did it?

I subconsciously turned around and glanced at Alex. He was handsome, I supposed, but nothing compared to Johnny if I really thought about it. Johnny had electric blue eyes and Alex brown. Brown was just so... boring.

But unlike his... boring eyes, his hair was another story. It was brown and caramel streaked, like chestnuts roasting over a fire. I know, it was so cliché. But I couldn't help it.

Alex looked up, maybe feeling my stare, and met my eyes. We locked eyes for a second before I quickly whipped my head around. I couldn't risk mine and Johnny's reputation. I couldn't. No matter how much I wanted to look at Alex.

Wait, what?

This was getting out of hand. I needed to find my signs. The ones that pointed me to Johnny.

Instead, I tried focusing on my work. Which was nearly impossible when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around, expecting Samira, and found Alex.

"Alex..." I started. "Hi."

"Hey Katie," he said, smiling. "Are you ready?"

"For what?" Did he know about the proposal? How did he feel about it? Was he going to tell me?

"For the company dinner next weekend. Did you forget?" he asked and I breathed a sigh of relief- though I had to admit, my heart fluttered a little when he looked at me.

This is normal. It happens when you're engaged.

Except I wasn't, was I?

I pushed a piece of hair behind my ear and caught him watching me. I was blushing furiously, I knew it, and that was bad enough. I had to get out of here.

"Bathroom-" I choked out and dashed out of the room into the place in question. Checking under the stalls and finding nothing, I wiped the sweat from my brow. Thank God, no one was in there.

I wasn't like this before. I was always calm and cool and collected with Alex- so why wasn't I like this now?

Maybe this is a sign that Johnny will help ground me.

Perhaps. Though my thoughts differed and screamed otherwise.

I gathered my composure and squared my shoulders. Really, I was being very stupid.

As I cautiously took a step out of the ladies' room, I peeked my head around the door. And sure enough, standing there in all his glorious annoyance, was Alex.

"Eep."

I ducked back into the room and pushed my back against the door. Nope, this was not happening. I could not see him.

So I went out the back door and ran.

Fifteen minutes later, I was sitting by myself at the bar counter of the coffee house Johnny and I had met only a few hours ago.

Could I get in trouble for ditching work?

Sure.

Did it really matter to me?

Nope.

Why?

Alex.

It shouldn't matter. He shouldn't.

But it does.

No, it doesn't, I told myself and I walked back to my office. It does not matter what anyone else thinks.

I tried to ignore the stares of my coworkers as I made it back to my seat. And I especially tried not to turn around and look at Alex, though I could feel him looking at me.

I wasn't sure what to do.

An email popped up in my inbox. I whipped my head towards my computer and opened it.

Go for it! the email read. Get it done and say yes!

My breath hitched. It was a sign.

As I skimmed it, there was nothing special except for the subject line. But I couldn't help but think that the world knew what was going to happen. I knew that I had to say yes.

Before I knew it, it was time to meet Johnny for dinner.

Here we go, I thought as I took a deep breath and entered the restaurant door.

"Hello Johnny," I said, kissing him on the cheek as I sat down in the bustling and loud restaurant.

"Katie," he said, nodding his head in greeting.

Hmm, that was odd.

No, no it wasn't.

He was going to propose, that was it. He was just nervous.

Right?

As I settled in my seat, I readied my nerves. "So, what was it that you wanted to talk to me about?" I asked.

He looked up from his lap as if I'd startled him. "What?"

"You had a reason to ask me here," I said. I'm ready for the proposal, I thought.

"I did," he said numbly.

"I'm ready," I said, squaring my shoulders.

We took a breath at the same time. Here it comes.

I'm ready.

He looked me in the eye and said, "I think we need to break up.

"Yes," I breathed, then raised my brows in confusion. "Wait, what?"

"I think we need a break," he repeated.

"What, how?" I managed. "This is not what I thought you were going to say-"

"What did you think I was going to say?" he asked in confusion.

"I-um..."

He raised an eyebrow. "Did you think I was going to propose?"

"Um. Yes," I muttered.

"Why?" he asked, frowning. "If anything, I would think I would've acted more distant."

"But all that smiling-" I burst out. "And the signs-"

"I'm seeing someone else," he blurted, looking down. "That's why I've been so... happy."

Hurt bloomed in my chest before outrage overcame me. "What?!?" 

"Katie-"

"What the heck, Johnny? Did you just tell me that you’re cheating?!?"

“Um…. Yes.” 

“WHO?” 

"Caroline," he muttered.

My mouth opened. "Caroline Levins? As in my boss?" 

He nodded meekly. "Why do you think I've been coming to the office so much?"

"I don't know, to see me?" I asked sarcastically before yelling at him. “I can’t believe I wasted three friggin’ years with you. You’re a liar, a cheater, and-” 

"Katie-"

“Let me finish, you good for nothing scumbag. We were so close that I thought you were going to propose, and then you tell me that you’re seeing some other girl? For how long?” He started to say something but I stood up and cut him off. “God, Johnny…” 

 “It’s me, not you,” he started to say but in a moment of madness, I slapped him across the face. 

He held his face and stared at me. “What the hell?” 

“That’s what you get for wasting my time. I’m leaving.” I grabbed my purse and power walked out the door, not even flinching when cold air bit my face. 

I cursed Jonny under my breath and started walking to my car. From behind me, I heard Johnny running to catch up. 

“Katie!” he yelled. 

I kept walking. 

“KATIE!” 

I let out a frustrated sigh and turned around. “What, Johnny?” 

He sighed. “I deserved that slap. I’ll admit it. I feel like an arse. I'm sorry, Katie."

“If you feel like an arse, never talk to me again.” I keep my tone normal and controlled. 

"So we're good?" he asked. 

I forced a bitter smile at how oblivious he was. "Yeah, we're good.” 

He gave me a crooked smile and I tried to hide the feelings welling inside of me. 

“Really?” 

“God, no, are you out of your mind?” I yelled. “You cheated on me! I never want to see you again!” 

At that, I stormed to my car and slammed the door. 

I definitely was not expecting to leave this place without a ring on my finger.

And crying, no less.

A week later and I still wasn’t over it. For the past few days at work, I couldn't help but stare at Caroline. What did she have that I didn't? I was younger, friendlier, and vain enough to admit that I was prettier, too. The only thing she could hold over me was that she was more successful.

Maybe that was it. Johnny wanted a successful girl to equal him.

Or maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

But what about the signs? I thought. None of it made sense.

Maybe I'll look up that church on the card that lady gave me. 

It's worth a try, wasn't it? Everything else didn't pan out the way I had expected, so what did I have to lose?

I was better off without him, I told myself.  

"Hey, Katie," Alex said as he leaned on my desk. Blushing, I typed away on my keyboard. 

"Hey, Alex."

"So, I heard you're free tonight," he said.

I shot a look at Samira. She grinned at me.

"Maybe," I said.

"By any chance, do you want to go grab a couple of drinks with me after work?" he asked.

"I..." I closed my eyes. What was I supposed to say? Yes? No? I just broke up with my long term boyfriend. If I said yes, then I'd be a serial dater, hopping from one guy to the next. But if I told Alex no, then I'd be missing out on a few hours of fun. 

I opened my eyes and clicked on my inbox. I had an email. From Samira. Surprise, surprise.

This is your sign! Say YES!

Was I ready? Maybe take it slow? Start out as just friends? 

Alex and I had this weird co-worker/friendzoning thing going on. After my breakup, I needed something to help me move on. To learn a little from my mistakes. And grow up. 

At least it would make me feel better about Johnny, too. I could show him that I wasn’t sitting at home, sulking on my couch. I was living a life and having fun and moving on. 

Hopefully better things. 

I sighed and smiled. It seemed like a pretty good deal to me. "I guess this is my sign." 

"Hmm? Is that a yes?" Alex asked, hopeful. 

I turned and faced him. I had thought that my yes would be for Johnny asking me to marry him. To my surprise, it was entirely different. Something new and hopeful, and quite unexpected. Still, it held my enthusiasm. 

"Yes."