I Do Not Know

The wishes weren't magic, but I had always hoped there was power in them. Maybe there was.

Maybe there was power in the way a human could hurt and hope at the same time. Maybe it was resilience. The way I had to fight to wish, and to hope. Maybe it was love that drove me to wish.

I do not know.

My first wish was that Arthur would get better.

He’d been sick for so long. We knew he was dying. His wood had been burned. The wood that had been connected to his life force since his sixth birthday. Beck and I didn’t know who did it. For all we knew it could have been an accident. That didn’t stop him from swearing vengeance on the person who’d stolen his brother’s life.

Beck had never been quick to anger. But when he was truly angry, it was hard, if not impossible, to talk sense into him.

I still remember the way his jaw was clenched when he found out about Arthur. How the prophecy had come true, just as foretold. A prophecy that was never meant to be spoken in the first place.

My second wish was that The Light would never fade. That we would be safe.

But The Legend had died, and the fire had gone out.

It was not long before the dragons came.

They tore through the towns, leaving only stone foundations behind.

I do not know why.

The thing about dragons, is they hurt people solely for pleasure. Their only goal is destruction. They take everything from you. Everything except your memories. They could take those away too, but they would rather leave us humans with our pain.

Sometimes I wish I was a dragon. As terrible as that sounds. Dragons do not remember. They don not feel pain. They don’t have regrets. They aren’t ever confused. And yet, their lives hold no meaning. They do not love. They do not create.

They are powerful.

But really, they are nothing.

Maybe I would like to be nothing. Maybe I would like to be free from worry and confusion. Maybe I would like to always be so tired. Maybe that makes me as bad as any dragon.

I do not know.

I hope not.

Because dragons do not love, and that is all I had.

My third wish was that Beck would love me.

The way I loved him.

As more than just a friend.

For some reason, this wish came true.

If I could go back in time, if I could take back this wish, I would.

At least, I hope I would.

But maybe I had grown too fond of waking up early to watch the sunrise with him. Maybe I was too attached to his strong, warm hugs. I would never be capable of falling out of love with him.

I could never look into his sea glass eyes without feeling calmer.

Now might be the time to mention that we had not met on good terms. I used to think he was an idiot. He used to think I was pretentious. I was wrong.

He was safety.

But he was in danger.

And I had to save him.

No matter the cost.

Even if it meant lying.

"I am so sorry."

My hands were shaking.

"No."

I took a step away from him, "This is all my fault."

Arthur.

The world falling into darkness.

The dragons coming back.

My fault.

Beck shook his head, "It's not."

My heart beat fast in my chest, like I was a hummingbird. I couldn't do this. I couldn't look Beck in his sea glass eyes. But I couldn't tell him the truth. I couldn't. Not now. I could never convince him to let me go otherwise.

"I'm sorry."

"Manu, no."

I almost wish I was born a hummingbird. Then I wouldn’t have to lie to him. If I was a hummingbird, it might not have gotten this far. I wouldn’t have to see the pain in his eyes.

But maybe, if I had been born a hummingbird, then he would have too. Maybe this all would have happened the same way. Maybe we would have lost the same things. Had the same regrets. Maybe The Legend would still have died. Maybe The Darkness would still have come. Maybe the dragons would have returned, whether I was a human or a hummingbird.

I do not know.

Maybe it doesn’t matter what I am. Or who I am. Maybe It never mattered. Maybe I have been and always will be nothing.

I do not know.

"Beck, I threw the wood in the fire."

He looked as hurt as if I had slapped him. I almost wish I had. It would have been better than this. Anything would have been better than this.

But maybe it was meant to be. Maybe all humans were meant for was pain.

I do not know.

"I'm the reason Ar-" I choked on the name, "Arthur's gone."

"That's not true!"

Even as Beck shouted the words, I could see the doubt in his eyes. He was right, but I could tell he was unsure. Maybe he was blinded by grief. Maybe he had never truly trusted me. Maybe it was because I had a hummingbird's heart. Maybe that's why he could believe that I would go back on my progress, just as hummingbirds can fly backwards.

I do not know.

"I'm sorry."

I shoved him away from the pedestal, taking his place.

The stone was cold beneath my bare feet.

My last hope was that Beck wouldn't remember me. Not the way we'd remembered Arthur. Soft memories turned jagged by grief. I didn't want to cause him pain. I never had.

The dragons descended.

I realised I had no regrets.

Although maybe that was because I hadn’t lived a very long life. Maybe it was because I didn’t have time for regrets. Maybe it was because I didn’t have time for mistakes.

I do not know.

All I know is that I will never forget those sea glass eyes. The way they calmed me as the dragons came.

Because Beck was safety.