Tillie

My mother was a true artist.

       She breathed new life into everything she touched: tools, furniture, plants, even other people and her presence alone was enough to make miracles. All of the villagers in Vaaldorf knew that there was no problem Selina Beck couldn’t solve and so our house was almost always bustling with visitors.

       Since I can remember, I helped my mother mix herbs, treat wounds and fix furniture. She taught me more than any school ever could, opening my eyes to solutions I’d never seen before.

“It’s my secret trick,” she told me with a mischievous smile. “I’ll show it to you, but you can’t share it with anyone else, alright?”

       That way I learned how to light a fire without using a flint, ensure a safe delivery for both people and animals, make a rusted rake shiny again and do much, much more.

“We were blessed with a gift, Tillie” my mother used to say. “We need to use it well to keep Vaaldorf safe and happy until our time comes”

“And what happens then?” I asked with my eyes wide, a curious but naïve little thing.

“You will take my place, then your daughter will replace you, and so on, and so forth. Don’t you think it’s beautiful?”

“Actually, it’s rather scary” I answered, and she burst out laughing.

“Don’t worry about it now, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere anytime soon” a familiar exotic scent of her perfume filled my nose when she pulled me close to her chest. “Let’s get back to work now, shall we?”

       She died a year later of a fever I can now cure in just a few minutes. I’m far from being bitter, though - I know that my mother is still with me through her notes, books, clothes and even her garden. She’s not gone: every time I look in the mirror she appears right in front of me with her copper skin, black eyes and dense dark curls, so much different than the rosy-cheeked fair-haired women from Vaaldorf.

       I can say with all certainty that I’m perfectly fine with what I’ve got: a few friendly faces to talk to, work I truly enjoy, enough money to provide for myself and a tiny house that’s mine and mine only.

       I adore peaceful, warm days like this one when I can just sit in the garden, read and relax. I used to spend them with Kaspar, at our meadow, far from the village gossip, but that was before life got into our way.

       I knew that we were doomed from the start – someone like him could never marry a girl like me, yet a part of me somehow still thinks what happened to us was unfair.

       After all, isn’t first love meant to be beautiful?

“Tillie! Tillie!” a familiar voice makes me look up from my book, bringing me back to reality. 

It’s Hanna, the mayor’s daughter, in her white-laced Sunday dress, her long golden braid messy, her tiny face red from running.

“Is Joachim unwell again?” I get up from the bench, immediately ready to act. 

Hanna’s younger brother has been sickly since birth. He is the reason why I started visiting the mayor’s house and why I keep doing it to this day. Thanks to him I have an excuse to still see Kaspar once in a while, to talk to him right in front of his father, to smile at him in the presence of his fiancée. 

It’s not a lot, but I’ve grown to love these tiny moments even more than our months together.

“No, no!” Hanna shook her head. “It’s just, Kaspar wanted me to tell you that some important men are looking for you and that you should get ready”

“What kind of important men?” I inquire, already sensing trouble.

       Strangers in Vaaldorf almost always mean bad news.

“They are all very tall, with beards and red cloaks” the girl answered immediately, visibly proud of herself.

“Red cloaks” I repeat, feeling a shiver of panic creeping up my back.

       Of course, my mother told me about them, the tiny groups left of the infamous Holy Inquisition, but I never paid attention to those stories, treating them as nothing more than scary fairy tales, a source of thrill and entertainment during long autumn evenings.

       I was spoiled by the years of peace, my easy everyday routine… And it looks that it has finally come the time to pay for my ignorance.

“Tillie? Is everything alright?” Hanna asks me, her enormous blue eyes filled with concern.

       I look at her, only nine years old, yet already braver and smarter than I’ll ever be and force a wide smile.

“Yes, yes” I brush her off. “However, I think you should get going now. Your parents are probably losing their minds”

       Everything will be alright if only I remain calm.

       Hanna opens her mouth to protest, but I beat her to it.

“Thank you for the news… And please thank Kaspar as well” I truly mean it. He and Hanna may have just saved my life.

“I will” she promises and then she is gone, her slender figure getting smaller and smaller as she races back to the village.

       I would give anything to change places with her, to once again be a happy, carefree little girl with big dreams and even bigger plans…

But there is only one way in front of me, and that way is forward.

       I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I’ve never tried this particular trick, but I remember reading about it in one of my mother’s books, and I’m almost certain I’m strong enough to safely pull it off.

       Familiar heat fills me from head to toe when I dive deep into the world around me, its shapes, colors and sounds whirling inside my head. I’m surrounded by a thousand riddles just waiting to be solved. All I need to do is choose the right one.

       I concentrate on my house, the “suspicious” books, my mother’s notes, the plants I keep in the kitchen and push them into the shadows. I conceal my medical equipment, the “unusual” half of my garden, even the worn-out black robes I sometimes wear as a joke.

       My heartbeat becomes alarmingly fast and my head starts pounding, so I take a while to calm down. I ran my hand through my hair and smooth my dress, trying to make myself look as helpless and innocent as I possibly can.

“There is nothing to be afraid of. You’re just another village girl, overwhelmed by the big, strong men that have come her way” I remind myself when I spot the Inquisitor’s red cloaks slowly moving closer and closer to my house.

“You’re Matilda Beck?” one of them calls as they reach the garden.

       It’s “Tillie”, not “Matilda” but few people care.

“Yes,” I answer sheepishly, trying to avoid eye-contact with any of them.

       I can trick them, I know I can. I’m much stronger than they think, more sly than I look.

“Get her” I hear a quiet command.

       My first instinct is to run, second to fight but before I can even blink all six of them surround me.

       It’s not an accident, it’s a planned attack. In their hands I turn into a wild animal, I scratch, kick and bite, desperately wanting to wriggle free. But I am alone and each one of them is almost twice as tall and heavy as me so after what seems like a moment I’m on the ground, tied up and gagged.

       They lock me in my own house, in the cupboard where I store my gardening tools. Every inch of my body hurts, not letting me concentrate enough to even think of escaping. I’m stuck in the tiny space, falling in and out of consciousness, begging for this nightmare to end.

       By the morning I’m completely drained, both physically and mentally. I don’t have any will left to fight when the Inquisitors drag me out of the house. I know exactly what’s coming, but I’m too tired to care. All I want is to see my mother again.

“Move” one of the men pushes me forward.

       I stumble but manage to regain my balance and cautiously take the first step. After the night spent in the cupboard, my limbs feel heavy and lifeless, each step causes me a new wave of pain. 

I’m not a human anymore, not even a witch, just a clumsy puppet stuck in my guards’ claws.

       What makes things even worse, is that the whole village has gathered in the streets to witness my humiliation. After everything we’ve been through their passivity is almost an act of betrayal.

       It hurts, because I know all of them – Lotte from the bakery who visits me almost every day in winter, when her cough gets worse, Konrad who sometimes drops by to buy herbs for his mother’s rheumatism, old Hans suffering from terrible migraines, women I helped with childbirth and men I patched up after accidents. I look them in the eyes as I walk by but no one holds my gaze for more than a second. They turn their heads away, pretending not to notice, stare at their shoes or someone next to them, refusing to even acknowledge my presence.

       The message is clear enough: I don’t belong with them anymore. No matter what I did for these people, what I used to mean in their village, there is no place among them for creatures like me.

“Burn the witch!” someone from behind me cries, interrupting the deadly silence. I’m almost sure it’s Fred, the miller’s eldest son, the same boy who invited me to the Spring Dance last year, who gave me flowers for my name day and always smiled at me when he spotted me in town. “Burn her!”

       And so it starts: the crowd around me erupts with insults, getting louder and more violent every passing second. Some of the braver villagers even reach out to me, thrilled to experience a touch of pure evil, but the guards shove them away, dragging me forward.

       I hold my head high as the first rotten egg splashes on my dress, followed by fruit, vegetables, stones, branches and even shoes. I let them shout, I let them laugh, escaping back in time to calm, quiet summer nights, Kaspar’s arms wrapped around me, his sleepy voice whispering sweet nothings right into my ear.

       What would he say if he saw me now, his dark beauty broken and stripped from her pride?

       I search for his face in the crowd, hoping that he came, if not to save me, to at least say goodbye, I want to see his face for the last time, say that I’m sorry and wish him all the best…

“He’s not there,” somebody says in a quiet voice.

       I immediately turn my head to them. It’s Stefanie, Kaspar’s fiancée. She’s dressed in all black, her auburn hair loosely pulled back from her face.

“He didn’t want to see it, but I thought I’d come” her wide smile makes me shiver. “Good luck, I know that you can make it” Stefanie whispers and then she’s… gone. She disappears in the crowd without a trace, leaving me in confusion.

       I don’t have much time left to think about her, though.

       We reach the center of the village, a small space usually filled with gossiping women and children happily playing in the sun, now turned into a place of execution.

       I walk towards the stake in an eerie silence.

“Only a few more minutes, mamma” I repeat soundlessly when the Inquisitors start rushing around me. “Only a few more minutes…”

       I feel heat crawling up my body as one of the men lights up a torch and puts it to the wood beneath my feet. I should be fighting, panicking, trying to free myself, but somehow I manage to remain composed, bottle it all up… At least until I hear his voice.

“Tillie!” I see him running, pushing through the crowd to get to me.

       He came, he really came, just like he promised. Despite the boiling heat, my eyes fill with tears.

“Let her go!” Kaspar shouts at one of the Inquisitors. “She’s innocent, I swear”.

       As flames start licking my shoes and my lungs fill with smoke, I concentrate on his voice, I clutch on to every memory of him I have left, pushing away the madness unleashing around me. For a few seconds, I manage to get a grip on my power, but then I hear Kaspar call my name again. This time his voice is much weaker, I can barely understand him.

“I’m sorry” he’s crying, I can see it through the flames. “I tried, I really did”.

       When he collapses to the ground with one of the Inquisitors’ knives plunged into his chest, something in me breaks.

       I feel the fire burn my skin as all of the invisible walls I’ve been raising go down at once.

       I have no barriers. I have no boundaries. I simply am.

       The next minutes are a blur. The world around me is on fire, people are running in all directions, screaming, crying, begging God for mercy. The Inquisitors are the first ones to die, but more and more villagers join them every second.

       I close my eyes and curl up in the middle of the street, waiting for the chaos to end.

“Tillie, get up” I hear an urgent voice.

       Someone’s warm hand wraps around my waist, pulling me up, forcing me to stand.

“Leave me alone, please” I whisper. “Let me go home”.

“Tillie, look at me” it’s an order I, for some reason, can’t resist. “Good” Stefanie smiles at me, her piercing green eyes just inches from my face.

“Why…?” I’ve got so many questions I don’t even know where to start.

“I knew you were powerful, but that…” Stefanie continues. “That’s incredible! I’ve never seen anything like this before”.

       She knows. Of course she does.

“Are you… like me?” I ask quietly, even though I already know the answer. I need to hear it from her, though.

       She gently squeezes my hand and suddenly my head is filled with images.

       An old woman in dark green robes explaining something to a group of girls, Stefanie talking to the same woman in some kind of an exotic garden, later moving on to Kaspar and his family, the air around her bustling with power. Her arrival to Vaaldorf, staged engagement, avoiding the Inquisition… All of the little plans and schemes building up to just one moment. 

This moment.

“Come with me, Tillie” Stefanie pleads softly. “We’ll keep you safe, I promise”

       I stare at her, at a loss for words.

       How can I possibly be safe now? The Inquisitors were right. I am a monster. I became one when I did exactly what they would expect me to do.

“Yeah” a quiet voice whispers in my head. “Yet they still want you on their side. The real you ” I swear it sounds just like my mother’s.

       I can see Stefanie smile as I finally make a decision.

“I’m getting us out of here” she announces. “Don’t let go of my hand, alright?” she wraps her fingers around mine. “Three, two, one…”

       I close my eyes and let her take me home.