A Rainy Day in 2348 BC

A Rainy Day in 2348 BC

“Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.”

-Mark Twain

“Looks like quite a storm brewing, Pops. We better call it a day.”

“Nope, my itchy toe says no rain today, Shem. You’re just trying to get out of work early. Get back to the sheep.”

 “You and your stupid itchy toe. I’m telling you this one is going to a barn-buster.”

“That’s why I call you ‘Chicken Little’. You worry too much. Now get back to work.”

Noah was tough on his kids. His wife, whose name he somehow never learned (he affectionately called her “Wife”), did her best to shield their three children from Noah’s hard-nosed approach to life.

“You have to lighten up on the boys, Noah. And I think Shem might be right. It does look like rain. And I don’t like you using your stupid nicknames for the kids. It really bothers Japeth when you call him ‘Goat-Boy’, and calling Ham ‘Sandwich’ just isn’t funny anymore.”

“I think it’s pretty clever. I like using nicknames… Wife.”

“Well, it’s getting a little old, Noah, just like you, old.”

“Old? Really? I’m only 500.”

“Tell me about it. The candles on your cake damn near burned the whole village down.”

It was a hard life for Noah, his wife, their three sons, and their three wives, who along with the sheep and goats, also were without names. The land was dry and rugged, the husbandry markets were tight, and the people were committing more sins than Noah could shake a stick at, which he sometimes tried to do. It was the sinful ways of the world that bothered Noah the most, for he was a righteous man.

Noah’s little piece of land in Mesopotamia bore little resemblance to the idyllic setting God created for Adam and Eve. Geographically the two sites were relatively close, but the culture and character of the two settings couldn’t have been farther apart. It might have been expected. Despite God’s best efforts, 100% of His initial creation sinned right out the gate, and mankind continued its downward spiral to the days of Noah. Wife worried that Noah’s obsession with the sinful ways of his fellow man was pushing him over the edge. It got to the point where it was affecting their marriage as Wife was more in the “live and let live” camp.

“Noah, you may not agree with their lifestyle, I mean their slovenly ways, the drunken orgies, and their false idols, but these are what you might call victimless crimes. If our neighbor Hoofaf gets wasted and bangs a few whores, how does that affect us? To each his own, I say.”

“Wife! How dare you say such things?! The wickedness of mankind is an offense to the Creator! The people violate the laws of God every day!”

“Uh, Noah, I don’t think we have any laws yet. Well, we’re not supposed to eat apples, but that’s no big deal because I don’t like them anyway.”

“Laws or no laws, they shouldn’t be doing that stuff.”

“I don’t see the harm. And did you know that Shem, Ham, and Japheth have been sneaking off into town almost every night?”

“What?!”

“Yeah, they say it’s to buy rugs for the tents, but I’m not seeing any new rugs around.”

“Oh, my God. My own sons stained with sin!”

Noah cried out in anguish and gnashed his teeth as the pain of his sons’ transgressions overwhelmed him.

“Where are you going, Noah?”

“To our tent to rend my garments and pray that my sons might be saved.”

“Could you change into something else first? I just mended the robe you’re wearing.”

“No problem.”

Noah paused as he entered his tent and turned back toward Wife.

“Or, maybe I should just take them up the mountain and slit their throats as a sacrifice to God, you know, just to let Him know I’m sorry for what they did.”

“That sounds a little extreme, but you’re the boss. But at least wait until they get the sheep sheared.”

“I’ll think on it.”

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Four months earlier…

“I had that dream again, Wife.”

“The one where you think you should build a big boat or the one where you’re running around naked at the bazaar selling chickens?”

“The boat thing. I’m telling you, Wife, it seems so real. A deep voice keeps telling me to build an ark, a really big one.”

“We’re in the freaking desert. What would we do with a boat?”

“That is puzzling. And then last night the voice told me to put two of every animal on earth on the ark.”

“What for?”

“I dunno.”

“I think you’re losing it, Noah. You’re working too hard. Take a day or two off. Maybe a trip into town with the boys might do you some good.”

“Wife!!”

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The shadow of approaching clouds was moving across the land. Wife and the boys along with their wives were frightened as they had never seen such a darkened sky. Even the sheep and goats appeared nervous.

“The sky looks pretty nasty, Noah. Remember the flood we had 200 years ago? We lost half our crop in the lower fields. I think we should think about moving to higher ground.”

“Nah, it might sprinkle a little, Wife, but I can tell it’s moving off to the north. We’re not going to get hit by the rough stuff.”

“How can you be sure?”

“My itchy toe, Wife. It’s never failed me yet.”

The boys weren’t buying it. Lightning strikes lit up the sky and the sound of thunder was deafening.

“Dad, seriously, maybe we should head into town. It’s at a higher elevation, and they have some really sweet storm shelters there.”

“I know why you want to go to town, Sandwich, or should I call you Mr. Naughty?!”

“What are you talking about?”

“You just want to get bombed and lie down with the whores. Maybe you and I should take a walk up the mountain later. Bring your brothers.”

The conversation ended with the sharp crack of lightning that felled a tree just 50 meters from where they were standing. The sheep and goats took off running as heavy rain started pouring down.

“Noah, now you’re just being stubborn. We’ve got a terrible storm coming. Let’s take shelter or at least get to higher ground. Maybe Ham is right. Maybe we should go to town.”

“Oh, now you want to go to town, Wife? Let’s guess why that is. You’ve probably been sneaking off into town with the boys all along.”

“Noah!”

The rain came down harder, and water began to pool up on the lower fields. The sheep and goats were nowhere in sight, and Noah cast a concerned look toward the sky. He was indeed a righteous man, but he was also stubborn.

“Uh, Dad… the fields are flooding and the river has breached its banks. Are you sure we’re going to be ok?”

“A little water never hurt anyone, Goat-Boy. In my day, we’d call this a light mist. You kids are just too soft.”

Shem, Ham, Japheth, and their 3 nameless wives looked worried. They turned toward the boys’ Mother who could only shrug her shoulders.

 “He is who he is. He’s a very good man but sometimes he’s a real pain in the butt.”

“His butt? I’d like to shove his itchy big toe right up his…”

“Shem! That’s enough! He’s your Father.”

“Don’t remind me. I’ve about had it with Mr. Goody-two-shoes. He acts like he’s the only good person on earth. He’s been on our backs our whole lives. ‘Shem, say your prayers a little louder. Ham, bow your head a little lower. Japheth, stop picking your nose.’ We can’t take it anymore. And he thinks he knows everything. He won’t even admit this is a nasty storm even with the water level creeping up the hill.”

In his 500 years, Noah had never seen such a rain. Water was flowing over both banks of the river and quickly enveloped Noah’s parcel of land. The river had flooded in the past, but it had never even made it to the base of the small hill where they had taken refuge.

“Noah, could the water level ever reach the top of the hill.”

“No, Wife, if that ever happened it would be the end of the world.”

Noah looked startled. His words seemed to remind him of something. He turned toward Wife and smacked himself on the forehead.

“Now I remember!”

“Remember what?”

“The voice I kept hearing. It was God talking to me! Silly me, I forgot all about that.”

“What?! You forgot to tell me it was God who was talking to you? That would seem to be a critical piece of information, Noah. How could you not tell me that?”

Wife was thinking as she studied the rising water.

“Noah?”

“Yes, dear?”

“In that dream you kept having… the voice you heard… now we know it was God… tell me again what He was telling you to do.”

“Uh… He was telling me to build a big boat.”

Wife bit her lip and clenched her fist as she watched the water steadily moving up the hill.

“Yes, a boat, that’s the part I remember. Alright, now this is really important. Think, Noah, think. Did He tell you why He wanted you to build a big boat?”

“Mmm… let’s see… He was pretty serious when He talked about that… real firm voice. Oh, yes, He said He was going to destroy the world with water, and He wanted me and my family to survive. That’s why He wanted me to build a big boat. Yes, that was it. Now I remember. Nailed it.”

Wife clenched her fists even tighter.

“And, something about two of every kind of animal?”

“Yes, He was very specific about that. Two of everything.”

“Noah, do you think God wanted you to load up two of every animal, and have you and your family survive, so that life could be replenished after He destroyed the world?”

“Mmm, you might be on to something there, Wife. Yeah, that makes sense. I think you just put the puzzle together. Good job.”

Her hair was soaked and water was pouring down her face as Wife put her hands to her forehead. The heavy rain and rumble of thunder rendered her groans inaudible.

“Noah, I don’t know that it matters so much at this point, but I just want to know. If God told you to build a big boat, why, Noah, why wouldn’t you have done that?”

“I guess I just kind of forgot, you know, being busy with the farm and the livestock, and being upset about all the sinning going out there. I think you can understand that.”

Wife was known for her calm and patient demeanor. That’s why all gathered at the top of the hill on the last small patch of land above water that stormy day were so surprised to see the anger in her eyes as she glared at Noah. Her primordial scream would have been heard throughout the land if there had been anyone left to hear it. The water kept rising, and the rest is history.

The incident known as the Great Flood claimed the lives of millions of people. All died by drowning except for one elderly man whose cause of death was listed as “suspicious”.