The Early Show with Jeff Weber

I am not a good person. I wouldn’t say I’m a bad person, but I’m definitely not a good person. And I most certainly did not save that kid’s life. Three years ago, a video of someone saving a kid from drowning went viral on twitter; everyone started referring to the unknown hero as “the de-suffocater” - I know, probably not the best sounding nickname, but not all internet users are czars of nicknaming. The guy in the video looked uncannily similar to me, so one night my drunken self decided to start commenting on posts about the matter, claiming I was him. Now I am where I am today, a rare case of an online fad turned into an actual celebrity. I’ve written a book, starred in a movie, and now, today, they’re giving me a talk show. The Early Show with Jeff Weber. It sounds decent, I guess. 

“Hey guys! It’s four in the morning, and it’s the very first episode of The Early Show with Jeff Weber!” I greeted the audience enthusiastically. And when I say audience, I mean producers and stagehands. The show was going to have a sit-in audience, but it was midnight and we were having a run through of the script. All talk shows have at least a rough script, but ours was entirely scripted, perhaps because of my incompetence when it came to public speaking and the like. My spectators talked amongst themselves as I and the various guests we were hosting on our first show special finished the script, before announcing that the script was good and the show would be as well. I was a nervous wreck.

Cheers and screams of “de-suffocater, de-suffocater!” rolled out of people’s throats and around the stadium, eventually landing bumpily in my ears. I shivered like I always do when I hear that name, but I ignored my usual guilt and sat down on the comfortable-looking seat that was reserved for me on the stage. “Hey guys! It’s four in the morning, and it’s the very first episode of The Early Show with Jeff Weber!” I said with ease. The viewers clapped like their lives depended on it. I continued to read out the script, attempting to make it seem like there was, in fact, no script, but I didn’t think the audience was falling for it. I wasn’t a good actor. Being cast in that movie was purely a marketing decision and a famous name for a struggling off hollywood film company. 

The reviews came out a day later. Most were not good. “Obviously scripted”, “why does he even have a show?”, “how did Jeff Weber even get popular?” - the comments were true. Why was I popular? I had done nothing worth praising, yet I was one of the most praised persons in the modern day. Talk of cancellation after just one episode headlined in E! News and celebrity gossip magazines, reporting on just how terrible the show was. The show was most likely going to be cancelled, which I was fine with. I didn’t deserve it, anyway. I was racked with more guilt about the last three years than most people experience in a lifetime. 

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Jeff Weber is my idol. First he saved that kid from drowning, then he wrote my favorite book, Jweber, then he was in Grave Hunters 4: The Final Strike, which is obviously my favorite movie ever just because he was in it, and now he has a talk show. I could listen to Jeff Weber talk ALL day. I wish he would make a podcast, because my mom limits the amount of TV I can watch. God she’s annoying. Like, seriously, I’m TWELVE years old and my bedtime is 9 o’clock. Most of my friends stay up ‘til like 10. Anyway, I’m really upset at the moment ‘coz everyone online and stuff wants to cancel Jeff’s show! And as his BIGGEST fan and future WIFE I can not ignore this, I have to stand up for him. Poor Jeff, he’s probably really sad. Honestly, I don’t know why no-one else is outraged about this. There’s no organised peaceful protest, no GoFundMe page, no online petition. Omg omg omggggg I just had the BEST idea ever!!!! I should organise a petition!!!! I’m so smart the TV people will HAVE to make The Early Show with Jeff Weber continue if everyone signs this!

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Some idiot has made a petition. I don’t want this awful show to continue, I don’t want this undeserved fame, all I want is to have a normal life. One where I can have a wife, and a family, without all the tabloids claiming I’m caught up in some kind of drama. Thankfully it’s been over a week and there’s been hardly any signs. I guess I don’t have as many fans as I thought I did, which may turn out to be a good thing when I tell the world the truth. However, I think people may like me more if I tell everyone, just because it’s an interesting scandal. At the moment, there’s no interesting scandal involving me except that the entire online celebrity gossip world has decided they hate me. I don’t think I’m to fault with all this hatred though. I think the world just realised that there was literally no reason to have liked me in the first place. 

“Hi everyone, it’s me, Jeff Weber. Thanks for joining my instagram live - I’ve never done one before, so this whole setup is new to me. The reason why I’m going live is because-” I paused, breathing in heavily. I was about to tell 96.7k people the truth. “It’s not true. I didn’t save that kid. That’s not me in the video, it’s someone else.” Angry comments flooded the screen; I mentally cursed myself for not checking if there was an option to remove comments. I promptly exited the screen, not wanting to look at what everyone was saying. 

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He’s a fraud. My idol is a fraud. I know it was him that starred in that movie and wrote that book, but there were no ethics involved with his fame. And that’s what I liked him for. His ethics, I mean. He wasn’t another reckless celeb, he was a hero. Not anymore, I guess.

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The Early Show with Jeff Weber: Cancelled indefinitely, read the headline. It may as well have said The Whole World Hates Jeff Weber. I guess the moral of the story is that if you have a secret hero look-alike, never get drunk.