Authors note: Hey guys this is a collab with Luna! We have been working on this for a while and I am happy to present Lexie and I! I will link the link to Emilia and I in the comments. If you have questions feel free to leave them in the comments! :)
I wish it would stop. It never stops. All the fighting, screaming and hitting. Lexie is lucky, she’s old enough to go out. I’m trapped here, terrified every night. I am only 13 and have been raising myself for the past 3 years. When my mom decided to marry this awful man. I hate him. I hate everything about him, the way he stumbles through the door, the way he caused us to leave our huge house and be stuck in this hellhole. God, I wish everything could be different, but I guess we all brought this upon ourselves. We all played a part in causing this life. Especially me.
3 years ago, when I introduced my wonderful mother to this man, they fell in love. Then fell apart. He wasn’t always this bad, only after something happened. This only happened because of Connor. He was my best friend. We were obsessed with the parent trap, and like anyone would, made them go on a date. He died that night. He slipped, carrying the trays full of pizza, each topped with their favorite toppings. He blames me for what happened. I still don’t know why he stayed with my mom, but maybe she thought it was best, maybe he thought he still loved her. Either way, it sucks.
What happened next, was so unexpected, it hit me like a rock. I knew it was always a possibility, but I never thought it would happen. But, it happened and soon I was sinking fast, I was trapped in my head, unsure and alone. Lexie was supposed to be there for me, but she wasn’t. The pills weren’t helping, I tried to take another, but the slippery, shiny pill throbbed in my throat and wouldn’t let me swallow. My throat was closing up. As I silently freaked out, my mom noticed she mouthed at me “Hey, are you okay?” I nodded, worried. I must have looked awful because even Lexie said something, “Hey! What’s wrong?! You're burning up!” As she placed her hand to my forehead. The colors swirled around me and then it all disappeared.
Divorce. Such a funny word. Apparently, it means that two people no longer love each other. Well, we obviously could tell that they have fallen out of love as they said, but what would happen to me? Mom? Lexie? Even if my house is a hell hole, it is still my hell hole. That night I laid awake anxiously waiting for this day to be over. After I couldn’t bear it I got up and entered Lexie’s room. Unsure, if she would yell at me, fully ignore me or something worse, I walked up to her. She had her IPod and was listening to music in her headphones, staring out the window. Trying my best not to startle her, I tapped her shoulder. She ripped her headphones out and looked at me. She was a mess, her eyeliner was all over her face, her hair was pulled into a bun, now it was flying all over the place. “I-” I started to say, but she stopped me. “Not, here.” She whispered. I followed her out her window and got in her car. “So.” Lexie said. I burst into tears. Lexie, unsure of how to approach the situation. “So, I’m getting the feeling somethings going on that’s more than school?” Lexie said, as she sighed. She looked out the window, I felt the anger boiling inside of me. She asked me what happened at dinner. That set me off. I didn’t need her to care. “They aren't working!” I screamed. Confused, she asked in a calm voice, “What's not working?”
“My stupid pills! I just get so nervous that I cant breath so I try to shove one of those stupid pills down my throat and it just makes it worse!!!” I yell across the car. I don't’ stop talking, “I feel like I can’t ever catch my breath, like I’m always on the verge of running out of air. Like I’m drowning in a pool of my thoughts.” I finished as she just stared at me.
“What are you so scared of?” She asks. I’m about to answer, but then I remember who I am talking to. She has known me for 3 years and never once cared why should I tell her? Eventually, I give in, no one ever listens, and since she's offering I’m going to tell her. “I-I dont know I always convince myself that someones gonna die or I’m gonna die or someones gonna take me, or that no one likes me, I just end up getting trapped in my own thoughts.” I say exasperated. My breath starts to quicken, I feel the new set of tears in my eyes. I allow them to roll down my cheeks, splashing onto my shirt. We sit in silence, until Lexie breaks it. “Lets play a game.” She suggests. I nod, not knowing what else to do. She asks about this kid in my class, Joel. I was surprised she even knew there was a kid named Joel. I told her all about how he brings his pet rat to school, and how he corrects the teachers. I told her how he makes cardboard weapons and never shuts up. Soon, I was smiling. She suggested we go home, and played a Broadway playlist on shuffle play. I had done it. I survived my first panic attack, with Lexie around.
That was 1 year ago. Lexie’s birthday is in a week. She’ll be 18. She’ll be leaving me. Over this past year, we have grown closer than ever before. She’s helped me through multiple anxiety attacks and I have helped grow out of her anorexia. She is still beautiful. She is happier and healthier now. Her arms have some definition on them, her hair is super silky, and she’s no longer brittle-boned. She has been living with me and mom, since the divorce. We don’t know what happened to him, but he's gone, for good. Once she leaves I don't know what I’ll do. Who will I tell all my secrets too? Who will drive me around? Who will take care of me? Mom is not a good guardian, she is always at the gym, she practically lives there. She’s never home. It’s always been me and Lexie. Lexie and I.
18. We celebrated her birthday by driving around, blasting our playlist. I wished the night wouldn’t end, it was too perfect. I was turning 14 in a week and she was leaving. She was supposed to leave the day after my birthday.
It was time. As I helped her pack her bags and take them to the car, she gave me an envelope. I looked at her confused. “Open it.” She said smiling. I did. Inside were adoption papers. “Are you?” I said with tears in my eyes. “All you have to do is sign.” Happily, I did. Once again, it was just me and Lexie. Lexie and I.