Starts With Goodbye

As Kimberly and Natasha held hands, one’s heartbeat pounded faster than it had ever done, scaring her into thinking she might not be doing the right thing. Kimberly somberly watched the sun’s rays reflect off the lake water as it slowly rose over the horizon. She turned over to Natasha, whose eyes were directly looking at hers, imploring for a different outcome than the one she knew was on the horizon.

“Say it,” she whispered, her voice quavering.

Kimberly took a deep breath. It was hard to find the right words...words that would convey the harsh reality of the situation. She closed her eyes gently, knowing Natasha was still looking at her, fighting back tears. Her own eyes began to water; she pushed them back behind the wall she had rehearsed. She had never been one for tears; she had grown up in a family where crying was weakness, not just for her male cousins and her brothers. She had grown up with stoic parents who showed no emotion, although their love transcended much of what she felt.

The silence was only broken periodically by the chirps of the birds, whose homes were the trees that made this location their favorite, so serene, providing the shade, whose solace they sought often during their early years as they held each other. As the sun finished its ascent, its rays warmed their faces. Faintly, a small concert began in Kimberly’s mind, as Carrie Underwood’s voice—who wrote their whole love story through her songs—sweet, angel-like, crooned, but only three small words stood out: starts with goodbye.

Kimberly opened her eyes, searching Natasha. She really scanned her, taking in her beautiful tan skin, her golden locks, and the deep blue eyes which had drawn her in for the first time in a long time. Although now they were blurry behind tears she was causing, their beauty remained bright and obvious. Gently, she cupped Natasha’s face in her hands and rested her forehead against hers. The two women stood still, in ecstatic silence, in motionless revelry. Natasha’s tears flowed freely, moisture landing on her bare skin. They couldn’t help but feel the last morsels of love slowly draining away.

***

That afternoon was the most monotonous Kimberly had experienced. She sat on her favorite couch in her favorite coffee house, nursing the new flavor of coffee that had recently debuted, though she couldn’t really taste it. She watched—but didn’t really see—the hordes of people walking by the shop, continuing their lives, unaware of what she had just finished doing. She envied their careless lives, as if she hadn’t just gone through one of the saddest experiences ever. Her mind screamed at them, imploring them to come to their senses, to understand her hurt! She pushed the thought down, the selfishness of it sickening her.

Her mind replayed that morning like one of Natasha’s favorite romance movies. It was as if she were watching it in a movie theater, holding her beloved close, forcing her to pull back the threatening tears. As she thought of the movie, a new song began playing on the speakers. As the music swelled and the melodic voice of Carrie began, Kimberly breathed sharply. “As bad as it hurt...I thank God I didn’t get what I thought that I deserved...”

Did the owners of this coffee house know? Were they aware that they were twisting in the knife even further into her heart, causing immense pain and loss of blood and love? Carrie continued her woeful song dedicated to finding a new life even though it hurt her to let go of the person she thought she needed and deserved, just like her. She didn’t deserve Natasha, not really. Natasha deserved better than her.

***

As the day transformed to night and the stars painted the sky daintily--a Van Gogh painting in its own right--Kimberly found herself back at the lake. She walked to the exact place where they were earlier; not even the croaking frogs could pull her from her mournful silence. She slowly pulled herself down to the edge of the lake, watching as the sun slowly descended, waving goodbye for another night of restful sleep until it needed to ascend in a different part of the world.

She sat in silence except for the frogs and the chorus of crickets, their cheerful song clashing with her own private, depressing concert. She picked at the ground, picking up bits and pieces of the dirt. The smoothest rock she had ever seen found her hand; she slowly stood back up again and fingered it, contemplating what to do next. Should she throw it and let go of everything for good, or keep it and continue holding on to the sadness that permeated her body? With a deep breath, she chucked the rock across the lake, proudly watching as it skipped for five times! This was the first she had ever seen that happen.

She lowered herself back down, hugging her knees close to her chest, burying her face in them, the sounds around her intertwining with her own inner chorus. She continued delving deeper into her own sorrow, and the croaking of the frogs and singing of the crickets seemed to converge to play a Carrie Underwood song—the same one that she listened to in the café earlier that day.

“There’s good in goodbye...”

She began humming to herself, unable to hold back the tears anymore. As the moon reflected off the water, she couldn’t help but feel the warmth of the ground, remembering that Natasha had stood right there as they embraced for the last time, her body tightening against hers with the last strength of her being. She basked in the friendly glow of the welcoming moon, welcoming it as an old friend; as the stars twinkled brightly, she let herself go, allowing her tears to flow freely and passionately. She continued humming the song, saying goodbye to the last day she held her in her arms.