Sleep Deprived

“No, Don’t.”

“Bob, wake up. You’re doing it again.”

“Wha- wha- what’s the matter?”

“You’ve been moaning and groaning and now you are shouting.” 

“Why’d you wake me up?”

“I just told you. Try sleeping in your chair.” 

“It’s still dark, too early to get up. What the hell time is it?” 

“I don’t know. Turn on the light so I can find my glasses.”

“No, then I’ll be wide awake. For god sake woman, why do you need your glasses?”

“To see the clock, obviously.”

“Alice, just look at the bloody numbers glowing on the ceiling.”

“You were the one asking what time it is, Bob. Since you can read the numbers then you know. Please don’t talk. I haven’t been able to sleep and the alarm will be going off before we know it.” 

“Alice, you were the one who wanted the clock with the fancy display modes. I told you it was a stupid idea. You can’t see it and the light annoys me. It’s 4:15. No, 4:13, or maybe that’s an eight. Fives and eights and threes all look alike. You ever notice that? I only got to bed an hour ago. I need more sleep.”

“How can you do that?” 

“Do what?” 

“One minute you’re sound asleep and the next it’s like somebody stuck a gramophone needle into you and you’re into full conversation mode.” 

“It’s your fault, Alice. If you’d left me sleeping we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

“And if you’d stop flinging your arms and kicking your legs and hogging the duvet then maybe I could sleep. If I wasn’t hanging on to the sheet I wouldn’t have any covers at all.”

“Your melodious tone is lulling me to…”

“Hey! You bloody well better not fall asleep before me. I just don’t get how that happens. Asleep one minute, wide awake the next, and then out like a light. I am not going to lie here listening to you snorting and farting for the next hour.

“So, what am I supposed to do while I’m waiting for you to succumb to sleep?”

“I don’t care. Now shut up and let me sleep.”

“Hey, how about we fool around? That will help both of us drift off.” 

“Fool around? You old fool, it’s the middle of the night.”

“Sure, why not? You’re awake, I’m awake and look who else is awake.”

“Stop it, Bob. At 4:18AM, when I need to be out of the house in less than six hours, I am definitely not interested in fooling around, making out, screwing or any other euphemism you’re considering calling your insane idea.”

“What are you up to tomorrow, well today really, that you’re leaving the house so early? 

“I told you at supper. I’m volunteering at the FoodBank until noon, then I’m going to play MahJongg.”

“See, that’s the problem.”

“What problem?”

“Well, 4:18 tomorrow afternoon or any afternoon won’t work because you’re always too busy gadding about with your friends so I’m suggesting a frolic now.”

“You were worried I’d be bored in retirement. I’m not. No F word is on my agenda, only sleep.”

“Come on honey. Let’s have some fun. You know, like the old days in the back of Dad’s salmon pink ‘58 Buick. Now there’s some good memories. 

““Oh my God. If that was foreplay, you blew it. Your dad drove Betsy, the big blue car with a white roof when I met you. Go read or eat something or I don’t know. Just go. Please be quiet when you come back to bed.” 

“I am a bit peckish. I’ll go cut us some cheese, grab a few of the new crackers and a couple of glasses of the wine left from when the Sutherlands’ were over for dinner and we can have a little picnic before we get at it.”

“No Bob.” 

“By then, I’ll have remembered my dream and you can analyze it for me like you used to.”

“Stop talking, Bob.” 

“That was you, right? Turning what seemed like a blah dream into something really special. Now that was foreplay, Alice.

“I have no intention of doing any such thing. Now there’s even less time until I have to get up. It must close to 4:30. Do not bring your snack back with you.”

“You know you’re going to want some as soon as I arrive with a plate.”

“I will not and I am not sleeping in a bed littered with your cracker crumbs.” 

“You used to be a lot more fun.” 

“Yeah, well now I’m not. I have serious sleeping to do and would appreciate you not reawakening me when you’re back from foraging. 

“For someone who claimed they wanted quiet, you sure are talking a lot.”

“Bob, one of us needs to spend the rest of the night in the spare room and since you are about to get up to prepare a 5:00 feast for yourself, when you’ve eaten, take a left upon leaving the kitchen. The bed’s all made up for you.”

“Are you ousting me from our marital bed having just expressed my burning desire for you, the love of my life?

“Stop being so bloody corny. I need to sleep.” 

“Okay, I get it. No nooky. But my offer of a little something to nibble on still holds. A bit of Brie, some Havarti and some of that Imperial Cheddar. Triscuits. Maybe a few olives. Black, green, stuffed? Is there any of that summer sausage left? You know, I know you aren’t sleeping.” 

“Of course I’m not sleeping. You and your verbal diarrhea are driving me crazy. How many ways can I tell you I do not want food? I want sleep. I need sleep. Now please get out and let me sleep.” 

“I’m bringing you a snack. Up to you if you eat it or not. How’s that for considerate?” 

“If I didn’t have to get out of bed to fetch my pillow after I throw it, I’d lambaste you with it. When you have worked your way through your food and wine, by all means return. Crawl into this empty bed and do what you do best. I’m going to the other room. In fact, from now on we sleep in separate rooms and will only share a bed upon personal invitation.” 

“You’ve made your point, Alice. Stay where you are. I’ll sleep in my chair but only for tonight. Just be sure I’m up by 9. Matt and I are playing 18 holes at his Club.” 

“Fine, now could you just go? You don’t want me sleeping in and make you miss your tee time, do you?” 

“Good thinking. Good night. Love you Alice.”

“Love you too, Bob. Even when you are being an ass.” 

“Ditto, Alice. Ditto.”