The perfect present

That horrible white stuff isn’t there anymore, but I am not sure I want to go outside. The stranger slides open the glass door, looks at me and points at my territory but I can’t believe that it’s going to be any different to the last two days when my stomach sank into it, and I could feel icy wet all along. I could hardly lift my legs.

I look up at the stranger and refuse to move. Oh dear. The body goes in and out and there is a lot more fur on the top of the head than on my human. Then my fears that this is a female are confirmed when she says something to my human and her voice is higher than his. I hope she isn’t going to make babies with him or take him away from me.

My human runs to the door on tiptoes (if he’s trying to be quiet, he’s not very good at it), and he’s holding something I haven’t seen before in front of his eyes. It’s much bigger than what he usually uses to cover them, with two long projecting tubes. He turns something in the middle of the tubes, points at the trees at the back of my territory, says lots of things to the female human in a very quick, high-pitched voice, then strokes her shoulder and whispers to her in the special of voice he only uses for me. I wrap myself around his legs to remind him who he belongs to.

He remembers me eventually, and I follow him into the kitchen. I give him my most plaintive meow, the one mixed with a little bit of purr so he knows I am hungry. I try to stand on my hind legs, just long enough to smell my favourite breakfast, fish. He forgets to open the second can, and before placing my plate on the floor, he only strokes me once, as though he isn’t interested.

I will have to show my human how good I am. I ask to be let out, then crawl under the hedge, (it’s really hard to get through these days for some reason) and sniff out my private spot. When I have covered up my hole- not so much that I can’t smell it next time- I go back into my own territory and wonder what I can do to make sure my human prefers me to this stranger.

I need to give my human a present. The fish are darting around in the pond again. They are a lovely bright colour and must be a lot fresher and tastier than my breakfast, but I still haven’t worked out how to catch any of them without falling in.

I look at the grass between the hedge and the pond, but I haven’t seen any mice in there for ages. The only time I tried eating one it was nearly all bones, and I choked on the fur. They are enormous fun to chase (or they used to be when I was younger) but I don’t think I can risk making the same mistake as I did last time. I was very kind and carried the mouse as gently as I could so that my human could have the pleasure of killing it. I should have made it easier, because when I dropped it at his feet the creature disappeared into the corner of the room behind my human’s toys. My human ran into another room and came back with the thing he uses to get grass out of the pond, leant across and tried to squeeze it into the space, while I sat back on my haunches, gathering the strength to pounce. Then suddenly, before I was ready, the mouse shot across the room and was gone. I have never seen something move so fast. It was humiliating enough to have been outwitted by something so tiny, but then my human pointed at me and spoke in a voice that for some inexplicable reason was angry! He must have been disappointed that I hadn’t killed it.

I stalk through the grass several times before giving up on my quest. Then I have an idea. It is a lot easier for me now that the people on the other side of my territory have replaced their fence with a flat-roofed building. I can just about manage to get up there now, if I jump on the dustbin first. When I am there, I can see what other territories have already been claimed by small humans, dogs, or other cats. It also helps me reach the upper branches of the trees. I did once manage to push a nest it to the ground, but the eggs tasted horrible. However, if I were to find an adult bird…

I have climbed the tree many times. It’s a great challenge to get near to a bird without shaking off the berries, but I have been practising my paw stretch for ages. Today, I manage to get up there without breaking any of the branches. Then I notice something, a bird I haven’t seen before. It is far too busy eating the berries to notice me. It is just about big enough to make a good present (the mouse was a rather mean offering, admittedly- another reason my human may not have liked it) and just about the right size to fit between my teeth and stay there. It really is very pretty, a nice red face, with black around the eyes and the top of the head, and a yellow bit at the end of the tail. My human will be delighted. I gather my strength, pounce, and- YES! It’s in my mouth. As I jump down from the tree, walk along the roof and then take the final leap down, I can feel its heartbeat stop.

Best of all, my human sees me coming and opens the door, so I can walk in without opening my mouth too early. Once inside I drop my perfect present at his feet and wait for the praise.