The sun shone brightly on a fine Sunday morning.
A large meteor had impacted Earth. It had been years since a meteor had attacked Earth. It caused a lot of damage. Scientists had come to examine the meteor.
There was a man inside the meteor. He was dying. The police took him out of it and admitted him to the hospital.
Miles, the thin sub inspector of police, came into the hospital room and looked at his patient- a muscular man with black hair and tattoos on his hands and feet. He checked the eyes- brown. He read the file on his mystery patient and called a nurse.
"It says here he was found inside the meteor which fell this morning. We need to keep him for observation and we need to have police in case he's hostile when he wakes up." The whole police force was called.
Miles was very cautious. Not that he was afraid, just he wanted to be safe. His brow furrowed as he wondered what to do next.
*****
The strange man who had been in the meteor woke up suddenly and was very confused.
“Where am I? Who are you all?” he asked.
“Don’t panic. You are in good hands. We are the police force. Here to help you,” the handsome senior officer, George told the confused stranger.
“Okay. But I want to get out of this weird place and go to my planet."
“You get cured and we will talk about it,” George said.
After a few days, the stranger started to live in the police station.
“Tomorrow is my birthday,” the stranger said.
“Okay,” George said.
“But, where am I?” the stranger asked. He was still a stranger and the police didn't care to know about him.
“You are on earth. Would you mind saying your name?” George asked.
“I am from Dragon planet. My name is Flame. I am known as the dragon warrior on my planet,” he said sadly.
“We have never seen anyone from a different planet. Welcome to Earth. Why are you sad?” George asked.
“I can’t celebrate my birthday with my family and friends,” Flame said.
“Okay. Don’t worry. I am George, the senior here,” the policeman said and went out of the police station leaving Flame alone.
George went out and started talking to Miles.
“We should throw a surprise party for Flame. He doesn’t seem like a bad guy, Miles,” George said.
“Okay, Sir,” the sub inspector, Miles said.
That night Flame saw the stars with a sad expression. It brought back the memories of his family.
The next day when he woke up, he was surprised. The police station was full of balloons and ribbons.
The police had executed their plan. This made Flame happy.
When the cake was going to be cut, the knife was nowhere to be found.
Flame took out a small keychain and said,”I summon you, dragon.”
The key chain became a big, shining white sword. The police were terrified.
“Let’s cut the cake, George,” Flame said.
“Can you please make that sword into that key chain and give it to us?” George said.
“No way. It does harm only if I attack. It is my favourite sword and I am not going to give this sword to you,” Flame said.
“Okay. We can cut the cake with a small knife, Flame,” Miles said.
“Okay. I will keep it inside. It is the sword that gives me the name Dragon warrior,” Flame said and made it back into a keychain.
“Thank you, policemen. I will never forget you, George. But, there will be a day when I have to leave you,” Flame said, sadly.
“Don’t feel sad, Flame. Enjoy the moment,” George said, patting Flame. He gifted a phone to Flame.
The policemen and Flame enjoyed the party. They became exhausted after tidying up the police station. Everyone went to their houses and Flame stayed in the police station.
He knew that day would come. He started practising with his sword. He knew that his enemy would be powerful.
It rained that night. But, it was not water; it was fire. Everyone was scared.
Next morning, the space scientists decided to identify where the fire rain had come from.
The scientists used telescopes to see into space. But, what they saw had shocked them.
The police were called. Flame had come too.
Many spaceships were approaching Earth. They had many weapons.
The scientists zoomed into the spaceship. Flame was very impatient. He was terrified too. He decided to talk to George and the scientists.
“I know them, ”Flame said.
“What are you saying, Flame?” George asked.
“They’re the worst aliens in the universe, the Kaals,” Flame said.
“What do you know about them, Flame?” George asked.
“It was a peaceful morning on my planet, the Dragon planet. My family was living in the outskirts of Phoenix City. The Kaals were always waiting for a chance to attack our planet. We had powerful warriors, and I was one of them, The dragon warrior,” Flame said, wiping away his tears.
“Don’t cry, Flame. But, with so many powerful warriors, how did your planet lose to them?” George said.
“The Kaals said that the warriors from my planet were betraying our planet. When the warriors fought they caused a lot of damage. The Kaals told me that they were going to destroy the planet. I believed them and killed all the warriors. I was a fool,” Flame said.
“Don’t worry, Flame. We are with you. Then what happened to your planet?” Miles said.
“Then they used nuclear bombs to destroy our planet. Not even a single soul remained. The Kaals killed them all. They released me into zero gravity space,” Flame said.
“Then how did you escape, Flame?” George asked.
“Luckily, I fell onto an asteroid which saved me by bringing me into the Earth,” Flame said.
“Now, what are we going to do?” the scientist asked.
“I have a plan,” Flame said, donning his Dragon warrior suit. It was bright red with a fire symbol on the shoulder. He took out his key chain and made it into his sword.
*****
After some time, Flame said, “I am going to fight them and save this planet.”
“We will help you,” George said.
“Your weapons will be no match for theirs,” The Dragon Warrior said and walked out confidently.
As the spaceships entered the Earth, many people locked their houses.
Even the police force was afraid. There were too many spaceships and the sky blackened out.
But, the dragon warrior stood there fearlessly.
“See the warrior who killed his planet’s warriors,” the Kaals laughed.
“I have been betrayed once. But, not again,” Dragon warrior said, getting ready to fight.
”What are you going to do alone, Dragon warrior?” the Kaals roared in laughter.
“He is not alone,” George said, taking out his pistol.
“Whatever it takes!” the police force shouted.
It was the start of a war. The Kaals looked furious and ugly. They took their weapons and formed the army. They had a huge army. But, the dragon warrior was not afraid.
He was ready to fight. But, suddenly something struck him.
The dragon warrior started laughing.
“Hi Kaals, thank you for coming to help me. I am also going to destroy this planet, Kaals,” the dragon warrior said. He slashed his sword on some buildings and made them collapse.
“Yea,” shouted the excited Kaals who had no work to do now.
Then the dragon warrior said, ”it is a waste of time destroying this planet. There are no warriors here.”
“Yes, you are right. There are no warriors here,” the Kaal leader said.
The dragon warrior got into one of the spaceships of the Kaals.
He gave a large grin to police officer George. George was surprised and sad.
“We will come again to destroy this planet,” The Dragon Warrior said to George.
“You are a cheater, Flame!” George shouted.
The dragon warrior texted to George,“Don't worry, my friend. This is my idea to save your planet and destroy Kaals at the same time. I am not a cheater. I will come back here whenever I get time. I am also sad for the Kaals.”
The dragon warrior got a reply from George, ”you have done the greatest help to the planet. We are awaiting your return. Destroy the Kaals.”
The Kaal leader had a plan to kill Flame. But, the dragon warrior had a different plan.
The dragon warrior took out his large sword and grinned, ”Sorry, Kaals. I am going to have a feast now.”
*****
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Very awesome story!
You use ¨said¨ quite a bit, you may want to change that up and use different words like asked, exclaimed, and more.
It was a very creative spin on the prompt, awesome job!!
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Thank you for reading.
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Of course!!!
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Why you deleted your story.
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Check my bio. :)
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Ok !I will check yours.
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Oh!!it got deleted.
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👋 hey Sahitthian read my new story pls
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Would you mind to read my new story
The dragon warrior part 2
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Sure
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Sure.
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Wow, Amazing fantasy. The idea of a person coming in meteor was so creative. Good job👍
Stay safe & keep writing:)
P.S. Would you mind reading my first story?
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Sure I will read.Thank you for reading.
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Hi Sahitthian! This is a great first story. I love the idea of a meteor falling to Earth with a person inside. The person would have to have a pretty strong body to survive that, but he's an alien, so anything goes. It would be interesting to see more of his backstory. Maybe you can return to it in a later story. It seems a bit fantastic for the Kaals to trick him into killing his own army, but that could be explained if his backstory was explored more. The keychain was interesting - if he has magic it could explain how he survived the fall. One other technical point before I comment extensively on the nitty grity grammar details. I noticed you had Flame texting George at the end. That leaves lots of unanswered questions. First, does Flame's planet have the same technology as ours that he would have a phone and it would work to text to our phones? Second, how did he get George's number? It might be easiest to fix this by having George give Flame a phone at some point, along with his number, so they could keep in touch while Flame is at the station and George is at home. The phone would stop working when Flame got out of range of the cell towers, but right after he boarded the rocket it would probably still work to text George. Just something to think about.
Here's some homework to do while you're thinking:
"The police took him out of it and admitted him in the hospital." - change "in the hospital" to "to the hospital."
"Miles, the sub inspector of police came into the hospital room and looked at his patient- a muscular man with black hair and tattoos on his hands and feet." - "the sub inspector of police" is an appositive. Appositives get either commas on both sides or no commas. Never use only one comma for an appositive (unless it's at the end of a sentence in which case the second comma gets replaced by a period). In this case, since you already identified him by name, use commas, like this: "Miles, the sub inspector of police, came into the hospital room . . ."
"He was a thin and brown eyed man." - This line is out of place here. Instead, weave it into the first description of Miles, like this: "Miles, the thin sub inspector of police, came into the hospital room and looked at his patient- a muscular man with black hair and tattoos on his hands and feet. He checked the eyes- brown, like his own. He read the file on his mystery patient and called a nurse." This is a suggestion. You could incorporate it some other way, but make it casual rather than blurting it out at the end.
“Don’t panic. You are in good hands. We are the police force, we are here to help you,” the senior officer, George told the confused stranger. - "we are the police force, we are here to help you" is written as a single sentence, but it could be two sentences. Either make it two sentences or separate it with a semicolon in the middle. “Don’t panic. You are in good hands. We are the police force. We are here to help you,” the senior officer, George told the confused stranger. Or “Don’t panic. You are in good hands. We are the police force; we are here to help you,” the senior officer, George told the confused stranger.
“Tomorrow is my birthday,” the stranger said. - optional: change to "Tomorrow is my birthday, the stranger said one day."
“You are on earth. Would you mind saying your name?” George asked. - Maybe change to "You are on Earth. Would you mind telling me your name?" George asked.
George was handsome and the police job was fit for him. - Does his appearance have anything to do with the job being fit for him? I would take this out and stick "handsome" before "senior officer" in the sentence where George is introduced. If you want to keep the part about the job being fit for him, maybe you can fit it in somewhere else after he does something that shows he's fit for his job.
George went out and started talking to a sub inspector, Miles. - Miles isn't just any sub inspector, he's one we've met already. Either say "Sub Inspector Miles." or just "Miles."
“We should keep a surprise party for Flame. He doesn’t seem like a bad guy, Miles,” George said. - Change "keep" to "make" or "throw."
“Okay Sir,” the sub inspector, Miles said. - Two changes here. "Okay, Sir," with a comma in the middle, and take out the appositive here. Either use his name or his title, but not both every time. We know he's the sub inspector by now. "Okay, Sir," the sub inspector said. Or "Okay, Sir," Miles said.
"That night Flame saw the stars with a sad expression. He had got the memories of his family." - Change to "That night Flame looked at the stars with a sad expression. They brought back memories of his family." or something similar.
Flame took out a small keychain and said,”I summon you, dragon.” - missing a space before the quotations start.
"The key chain became a big, shining white sword." - Change "key chain" to "keychain"
“Okay. I will keep it inside. It is the sword that gives me the name Dragon warrior.” Flame said and made it back into a keychain. - You mostly got this right elsewhere in your story. Change the last period inside the quotations to a comma.
"But, it was not water, it was fire." - I would use a semicolon here. But it was not water; it was fire.
"Next morning, the space scientists decided to identify from where the fire rain had come from." - This sentence has the word "from" twice. Either one works, so take out whichever one you want.
“I know them,”Flame said. - space missing before quotation
It was a peaceful morning on my planet, The Dragon planet. - Don't capitalize "the" in the middle of a sentence, unless it's part of the planet's name. What is the planet's name? If the name is "Dragon" or "The Dragon" maybe take out the word planet. If the name is "The Dragon Planet," all three words should be capitalized. Either way, the name should match what you call it earlier in the story.
Phoenix city - again, if it's called "Phoenix City" both should be capitalized, and if it's just a city called "Phoenix" take out the word "city" or call it "the city of Phoenix"
"I was one of them, The dragon warrior" - Again, decide if this is a title. If yes, it's "The Dragon Warrior." If not, it's "the dragon warrior." And be consistent wherever this is mentioned in the story.
Flame said, wiping off his tears. - Change to "wiping away his tears" or "wiping the tears off his face" or wiping away some tears that escaped from his eyes" or something similar
“Don’t cry, Flame. But, with so many powerful warriors. How did your planet lose to them?” George said. - "But, with so many powerful warriors" is not a sentence on its own. Attach to the following sentence "But, with so many powerful warriors, how did your planet lose to them?"
The Kaals told that they were going to destroy the planet. - Add the word "me" after "told"
"“I have a plan,” Flame said, donning his Dragon warrior suit" - Is this a warrior suit from the planet Dragon or a Dragon Warrior suit? If dragon warrior is not an official title and the planet is just "Dragon" keep the capitalization like this. Otherwise, change it.
After some time, Flame said,“I am going to fight them and save this planet.” - space missing before quotations
“Your weapons will no where match theirs,” The dragon warrior said and walked out confidently. - change to "Your weapons will be no match for theirs," the dragon warrior said and walked out confidently. Unless you want Dragon Warrior to be a title, in which case just capitalize that part.
There were too many spaceships and the sky blackened out. - Change to "There were so many spaceships that they blocked out the sky."
“Whatever it takes,” the police force shouted. - Shouting is an exclamation. Change to "Whatever it takes!" the police force shouted.
“Hi Kaals, thank you for coming to help me.I am also going to destroy this planet, Kaals,” - space missing between sentences
Then the dragon warrior said,” it is a waste of time destroying this planet. There are no warriors here.” - move the first quotation to after the space. It's facing the wrong way and attached to the wrong words.
“Yes, you are right. There are no warriors here,” The Kaal leader said. - "the" should be lowercase.
“We will come again to destroy this planet,” The dragon warrior said to George. - same error as above
“You are a cheater, Flame,” George shouted. - Again, this is an exclamation. "You are a cheater, Flame!" George shouted.
The dragon warrior texted to George,“Don't worry, my friend. This is my idea to save your planet and destroy Kaals at the same time. I am not a cheater. I will come back here whenever I get time. I am also sad for the Kaals.” - space missing before quotation. Also, it should say "destroy the Kaals"
The dragon warrior got a reply from George,”you have done the greatest help to the planet. We are awaiting your return. I feel sad for the Kaals.” - space missing before quotations and beginning quotation is backwards
The dragon warrior took out his large sword and grinned,”Sorry, Kaals. I am going to have a feast now.” - space missing before quotation.
I hope that wasn't too much homework. Good luck fixing everything before Friday!
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I am glad you enjoyed the story.
That’s a lot of homework. I was afraid when I saw such a long comment. I have finished it. Thank you for typing Such a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong comment.(the o’s are not enough I think)
Thank you for reading. I want your help in my future stories.
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The story was imaginative and creative. I appreciate your interest in such a young age. Keep writing like your brother.
Waiting for your stories!!
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Thank you for reading, Shobie.
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As requested, I am here to read your story! You definitely have a pure love for writing and storytelling, so I would love to help you hone your craft.
I have a few critiques other than cleaning up dialogue tags and grammar in general more related to the story structure itself. The narration seems to shift between a broad summary of events to the small interactions between characters, which can be jarring for readers. I recommend narrating first and then diving into dialogue so it's not muddled in the middle. The dialogue itself seems a bit stilted and unnatural, but if English isn't your first language, then don't worry, it will get better with time.
The introduction of characters with names shouldn't be random. They need to have a purpose to move the story forward. I remember the two names Miles and George, but I can't tell what their roles are in the story because their introduction was a bit clumsy. Ask yourself why they are present, and have the characters stick to that role. If Miles is supposed to be funny and ease tense situations, then he is the comic relief. If George is the strict, serious one, then he tries to control the situation.
I recommend describing your characters as if they were family members rather than people you made up. You know details about them that shape your perception of their character. Your cousin will sound and act different than your father and brother, and so on. Each character needs a unique voice to distinguish them to the audience, otherwise they become forgettable. What is it that you love about your main character Flame? What makes him act the way he does? Describe him so that the reader loves him too.
Overall, great effort and keep up the good work!
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Thanks.
I will work on it.
Ok ,I will work on it.Thanks.
Thank you for reading.
Keep writing.
(Would you mind liking my second part)?Thanks?
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You may need an editor, but you have put a movie in my head...
Off to read part II.
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Yeah, I definitely need one. Glad I put a movie in your head. Thank you for reading.
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Hey, Sahitthian. Great read. I always love to see fellow sci-fi writers on the site.
I just had a few tips. (Of course, they're completely optional, it's your story.)
Your sentences sometimes have a tendency to be basic. Maybe include more figurative language, such as metaphors, hyperboles, and similies?
I think your writing could improve a lot if you tried to show, not tell. Making the reader have to make inferences and discover the hidden meaning behind your words might make for a more enjoyable read. Don't always directly say what is happening.
For example, "The Kaal leader had a plan to kill Flame." Could be improved by saying this instead: "The Kaal leader watched from his ship, stroking his chin and smiling. The dragon warrior could not fool him that easily." This leads readers to infer that the Kaal leader knows Flame is hostile and plans to attack him.
If you've ever read "Monkey's Paw," by W. W. Jacobs, he does a great job of making the reader make inferences and stating things indirectly.
It starts with characters playing a chess game, in which personality traits are revealed about each character. One takes risks in chess, which translates into him being a slightly reckless, and risk-taking person as the story progresses. The other character is clever and beats the other, and his logical mindset causes him to laugh at superstitious events later on in the story.
Jacobs shows how his characters or events will unfold, rather than stating directly or bluntly. Character and plot development doesn't always have to be so blunt.
I hope this makes sense.
Whether or not you want to take this advice is up to you, just know that I only have your best interests at heart.
Great story again, Sahitthian!
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Thank you for reading.Please read my story the dragon warrior part 2?”
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Sure! While I'm at it, I can read your most recent one too. I'm happy to help people grow.
However, I can't do it at this moment. It might be a while, sorry. BTW, great to see someone so young already passionate about writing! Keep it up!
:)
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Thanks.
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Wow! This is such an ingenious concept. On top of that, your grammar is impeccable and the plot and characters are fascinating. Well done!
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Thank you so much.I am glad you like the characters.Thank you for reading.
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Such a creative concept, wonderful for your age! One tip is to add more description, but overall great idea.
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Thank you for reading.(Would you mind reading my second part)
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Very good story i liked this story amazing
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Thank you for reading.
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This story very very good
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Thank you for reading.
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Flame and his wish for a birthday party made me smile! Even alien-slaying dragon warriors need birthdays
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Thank you for reading.
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Hey, this is really cool! I absolutely love the Dragon Warrior character and how even though all this conflict is going on, what he's really sad about is missing his birthday; he's just so sweet. I also really like how even to the very end it's difficult to say exactly what his intentions are, which keeps it interesting. Great story!
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I am glad you liked Dragon warrior. Thank you for reading.
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Great story! Keep on writinggg!
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Thank you for reading.
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ofcccc
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Nice story!
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Thank you for reading.
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Thanks for asking me to read your story Sahitthian 👍 The first part reminded me a little of Superman. An interesting twist with the Dragon Warrior pretending to betray Earth but then double crossing the Kaals 🤔 Well done! Well done on establishing such a strong following already too 😮 You seem to have the marketing side of writing sorted!
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Thank you for reading.
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Nice story. Keep writing 👌👌👏👏👍👍👍
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Thank you.
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That was a good read!
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Thank you for reading.
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Good work. All the sentences in this story are short. It would be nice if a few longer sentences were put in this story. Also, I want to hear more of the back story of the warrior. You give some, but why does he care about Earthlings or even know he’s no longer on his planet? With Sci-Fi a lot of details are needed. Try reading Douglas Adams. Good start
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Thank you for reading.(would you mind liking my story)
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