Misfortunate

There’s no predicting me. I can’t even predict myself. I went to a fortune teller, a card reader, and I paid her twenty dollars and she looked at me and she gave me the money back and said, I can’t do anything with you at all – there’s no predicting you. That’s the kind of guy I am. I could wake up in the morning believing in all kinds of things, and before the days out I’m a complete sceptic about all of them. One day I’m a scientist, the next I’m I Pentecostal minister. That’s the kind of person you’re dealing with here. So be warned, you could attempt to predict me, but it wouldn’t work.

I’ll tell you the kind of person I am. I am the kind of guy who, if you said to me there’s a robbery going on there in that shop, I’d dive right in and sort the whole thing out. Nobody would know what was going on at all because I’d just horse my way in like a mad cowboy and lasso the bunch of them. The cops would be waiting outside with the megaphones and all hiding behind cop cars and I’d walk out like nobody’s business and just heave the robbers into the street. And if anyone said what do you want by way of thanks I’d say leave it out, that’s just the kind of guy I am.

You’d see me then on another day helping blind children to read in the park. Then on another day you’d wonder who was it in that Porsche flying about like a madman and it would be me. I’d be debating with the hobnobs and getting my hands dirty with the grafters both in the same day. There’s many a man asked me what kind of a guy are you at all and I just say watch me and find out for yourself.

So I’ll tell you about this day what happened to me. There’s no man can control the whole lot of what happens, that’s for sure. If there’s one thing you can predict even less than me it’s life itself. You could be sailing about the Mediterranean one day drinking champagne and then the next day you’re sleeping in a box on the streets of Paris. That’s the way things go. That’s maybe the reason I am the way I am because sure if you can’t predict life you might as well not even predict yourself.

Well, I had a terrible run of misfortune on this day let me tell you.

I was helping out in a soup kitchen on a cold winter’s day. I help people from time to time because they are misfortunates, but then depending on what mood takes me I could be karate chopping the whole show the morning after. It just depends. But on this morning I was washing dishes in a soup kitchen in New York.

The boys came in and a few ladies with them and the whole crowd was hungry. You never seen such polite people in the world as you see in a soup kitchen in winter. There’s one way of thinking that says this is the most beautiful thing in the world and another way of thinking that says the opposite. I have both ways of thinking and can think them both at the same time. That’s the kind of me.

Well, they were all queuing up and I was behind in the kitchen washing away when someone gave off a big scream like there was a horror movie playing somewhere. I didn’t think twice and just hopped over the counter and into the room to sort it all out, whatever it was. Well, it was a young fella collapsed in the middle of the floor. I told them to call the ambulance and I blew into his mouth and pumped his chest. Some doctor showed up but I said to him don’t worry doc I know what I’m doing stand back and the doc did because he could see what kind of a guy I am. The ambulance came and the young fella went off with them.

I stood back and the whole crowd in the soup kitchen gave me a big cheer and a clap. I said nothing and did nothing because I am well used to be clapped at and cheered at. But one thing I did see was that the young fella had left behind him on the floor a package wrapped in brown paper and tied with a string like it was a traditional parcel. So I picked it up of course and took it back into the kitchen with me to keep it safe. I had the intention to go and find the fella later and give it back to him. But that’s not how things worked out. You can’t predict it.

I washed the morning away and laughed and joked with everyone and they said you’re a hero of a man and I said nothing about that because tomorrow I could be the villain. But then about twelve o’clock one of the boys said there’s a couple of cops asking questions about what happened, they want to speak to you. So I said okay and went out to meet them.

But the minute I saw them I knew they weren’t cops seeing as how they were dressed normal and looked shifty as hell so I says to myself, say nothing. They asked me about what happened and I told them but left out the bit about the package. Then sure enough they asked me about the package. They didn’t say it directly but they said something like so did he have anything with him, did he not have any possessions, and I said no but that’s a mighty strange question for cops. Then they got shirty with me and I said don’t get shirty with me boys or I’ll ju-jitsu both of you to high heaven. Then they said come with us. I said no, you don’t know who you are dealing with here. Then one of them squared up to me so I karate chopped both of them into mince meat and left them on the floor and took the package and left.

Those boys should have checked who they were dealing with, I said to myself. I went home and I said I better open this package because if it is drugs or something I will give it to the cops. I am always doing their jobs for them anyway. On my way home I saw myself in a window and saw that one of the pretend cops had punched me in the eye and I had a black eye. That was the first bad thing what happened to me that day. I did not look good. But tomorrow I’ll be walking down a catwalk somewhere I said to myself, who cares.

So I got home and put the oven on for a baked potato and while it was warming up I opened up the package. Holy smoke, I said to myself, it is indeed a big bag of drugs. First I thought okay well I’ll go down to the cops but then I said I wonder what kind of a mood I am in today. Next thing you know I was trying out a bit of them drugs to see what they were and before long I was feeling great without a care in the world even though I never had a care before that anyway.

So the phone rang and it was my friend John who one time I saved his life when he almost fell from a fiftieth floor window and he said do you want to come for dinner in the Priston Hotel. I was feeling grand so I said yes, I’ll see you there in ten minutes. I washed my face and hands and bounced out of the apartment like a man reborn and I was down at the Priston Hotel in seven minutes flat. I was sweating like a sea-lion on a hot summer’s day and I was still in my soup kitchen clothes from earlier but I said to myself that they will remember me from the time of that hostage crisis what I sorted out and we might have a meal on the house.

But it didn’t go as planned. When I went to go in they stopped me at the door and said no way are you coming in here buster. I said do you not remember me from the hostage crisis but they just laughed. I said anyway I have an appointment with my friend John, go and ask inside. They laughed at me again and said right get out of here before we call the cops. I was getting a bit annoyed with them then to be honest and I had already kung-fooed a couple of guys that day so I was about to lamp the both of them and stroll on in when I changed my mind and said good, yes, call the cops I have a big bag of drugs for them anyway.

In fairness that was a mistake.

They called the cops and the cops came and they said this here man is flying high as a magic kite and he’s causing a disturbance. The cops were real cops this time and they were taking no nonsense and they said get in the car. I said this is the last time I will be going to the Priston Hotel and I got in the car because I didn’t want to go so far as to karate chop everyone even though I could have.

When I was in the car the cops were on the phone and they finished the phone call and said what did I think I was doing karate chopping cops down at the soup kitchen. I said I did not karate chop cops, that they were only pretend cops but they laughed and said you’re in some trouble now buddy. I said never mind about that I have a big bag of drugs at home, I was going to give it to you anyway, we might as well pass by and you can pick it up. That stunned them all right. They really didn’t predict that one.

But they didn’t take me up on it and next thing you know I was in a cell in the cop shop and I was going out of my head because the drugs were wearing off and I suddenly remembered I had left the oven on for my baked potato. So I started shouting at the cops but they ignored me and I just sat back down on the bench beside a homeless man who I one time helped out by buying him an apartment, but sure he must have lost it because here he was homeless again. You can’t help some people.

Well, after a long time one of the cops came down and called me into a room and sat me down and said what was I thinking with this mad rampage. I said what mad rampage, I spent my day helping people and being a hero and he accused me of being a mental case. I said I am not a mental case, I am just unpredictable but I like it that way.

He said I have some bad news for you, John. Your apartment has burned down. I said well that will be the oven, I tried to warn everyone. Then he said I have some more bad news for you, we got in anyway and found a big bag of drugs on the kitchen table so you are going to prison. I said that’s a good one. He said really. I said that’s okay.

Tomorrow I will be having lunch with the Prince of Monaco.