Lost Love

I was at his funeral, I saw his body, I witnessed his casket being lowered down into the ground as people wept and wailed. How is this even possible? How can he be 4 feet away? Is this all a dream?

It was just three years ago I was six months pregnant with Chelsea, our first child, we were both so excited and had already begun making preparations. One saturday afternoon, after he came back from work, he called me into the living room to have a discussion with me.

The discussion lasted for about an hour because we did not see eye to eye about this decision that he was about to make. He had just made a decision that could change our lives. I begged him not to go through with his decision but he refused, his mind was made up and he was to set off in three days.

Three days had passed by so quickly and it had eventually reached the day of his departure, a very dreadful day for me and a day I shan’t forget. Knowing fully well there was no hope for my request being granted, I still decided to beg him, I pleaded with him so many times not to leave but all to no avail.

His mind had been mad up and his bags packed, he hugged me and promised to keep in touch with me everyday. We hugged once more and I held onto him for a while before eventually letting go. He opened the front door, looked at me once more before leaving and promised to be back soon and then he took off.

For two months we kept in touch, he always asked how I was doing and how my baby was doing and if i was eating very well, he was very worried because it was very close to my due date but assured him that everything was alright and he had no need to be worried because my mother was staying with me.

Eventually my due date came forth and I was rushed to the hospital, I asked my mother if she could call him on the phone to inform him that I had gone into labour and she agreed. She kept calling him but got no reply, and at some point I got really worried and had so many thoughts go through my mind but before I could really get deep in thought he called back and apologized for the delay in reply, he asked what the problem was and why I was calling so early.

My mother told him that I was going into labour and that I was having the baby at that very moment. As soon as she finished he began panicking and asking me how i felt and telling me to stay calm, he requested that my mother record the moment and send it to him so that he could feel as if he was right there with us.

A few painful minutes later I had given birth to the most beautiful baby girl ever, her radiant melanin skin , her luminous and penetrating brown eyes and her full, curly black hair. My eyes filled up with tears as the doctor handed her over to me to hold. I could not believe that she was mine but before I could really enjoy the moment I was clouded with sadness due to the fact that her father wasn't around to witness this.

A few months passed and Chelsea just kept growing right before my eyes. One rainy sunday, I was with my mother and chelsea in the bedroom. Chelsea was playing on the bed while my mother and I were watching our usual on the television when suddenly I heard a knock on the door and I wondered who could be coming over during such heavy rain. 

Immediately, the thought of it being him crossed my mind but i didn’t want to fill myself with false hope. I excused myself from the room and went downstairs to see who was at the door. As I opened the door I saw Mark, one of his closest friends. We hadn't seen each other since my husband left so why was he coming to my house now?

I welcomed him in, gave him some hot chocolate and gave him a blanket to keep warm. “What seems to be the matter mark?” I asked. “I'm afraid I have some awful news, you might have to sit down for this,” Mark replied. As he made the statement so many thoughts flashed through my mind and the eagerness to find out what the problem was overwhelmed me.

I quickly sat down and asked him what the problem was, “it's about him,” he said. Immediately i understood what the problem was but i decided to play dumb. “What do you mean Mark?” i inquired “please tell me what you mean.” hesitantly he told me the full story of what had happened and i could not believe it.

I wanted to cry but suddenly i forgot how to, it felt like time froze and the whole world stopped. I couldn't feel my legs or my body, so I just sat there frozen. I guess I sat there for a while because Mark was giving me a worried look and I could tell from his face that I wanted to say something but before he could speak I immediately regained control over my body and thanked him for informing me.

Mark stayed in the house with me for a while and we discussed it. I urged him to stay in the house for the night so he won't get drenched in the rain but he refused because he felt it would be a bother to me so he decided to leave.

After he had left I went upstairs and entered the room and pretended like nothing happened but my mother noticed that there was a problem then she asked, “who was at the door.” “oh! It was just Mark,” I replied, “what did he want?” my mum asked. I knew I had just entered a hole and there was no way out so I gave up and told her everything Mark had told me and as I spoke the tears began to roll down my face and I completely broke down.

Suddenly, all the feelings I was running away from had come to haunt me and I could not hide them any longer. I cried until my head hurt and my face swole up and I couldn't cry anymore, and then the feeling of sadness left me. All I could feel was anger and regret. I was upset with him, I warned him not to go, I begged him, I pleaded with him but he just had to go on this trip and now I'm all alone.

At that moment I felt like going back in time to warn him, to stop, atleast to try my best to end this all but I know that it's all too late and that all I'm stuck with is regret. I look over to the bed and see my daughter and I feel even worse but I know that there is nothing else for me to do except blame myself.

Two weeks had passed and his mother had come to console me. I have always taken his mother as my own and I love her so much and she has always just tried her best to be there for me. So she came to help me plan the funeral and take care of all the stressful things that need to be taken care of because we have only two days left to go and I have no idea what I am doing.

So everything is done and I have only a few minutes before the funeral begins and at this moment my legs decide to fail me once more. I cant get up no matter how hard I try and my stomach just keeps hurting and all I want to do is wake up and find out this is all a dream but I know that it isn't.

A few minutes pass and my mother comes to call me because the funeral is about to start and i'm going to have to do what i'm trying to avoid, ‘the speech’ and I know I'm not going to be able to do this without breaking down but I'm going to have to try.

Finally, the funeral begins and practically half of the town is around, that goes to show how many lives he impacted, everyone gives their speech and says one good thing about him and eventually it's my turn. To my surprise, I didn't break down in tears like I thought I would. I just quickly gave the speech and then my mother-in-law rounded up the whole thing.

We all went to the site where he was buried and all dropped our flowers and said our final goodbyes but I didn't want to leave so they gave me some time and I was finally ready to go. As I reached home I felt so different and still believe that he was dead but I knew I had to accept it at some point.

Three years have passed and here we are, Chelsea is now three years old and we are all in the living room, my mum and mother-in-law having our own little memorial for him, and sharing all the fun times we had with him. When we were done my mother suggested that we all go to the cemetery to drop some flowers and we agreed so we took her peugeot 504 station wagon to the cemetery.

We stayed there for a while and spoke to him but then Chelsea got tired so they had to take her back home but I offered to stay back and take a lyft. I stayed there for a while and continued talking to him and then I heard a voice, particularly a male one. I got really scared and decided that it was getting late and that I had to leave.

I got up, picked up my brown, leather purse and headed off. As I walked I felt someone behind me, following me but I refused to look back. At some point i got so scared that i began running so i ran until i heard that same voice saying, “stop! Please stop!” but it just made me run faster until i could no longer breathe, so i decided to look for a nearby shop and get some water.

Fortunately, i found one and without hesitation i went in and got some water and rested before i headed back out. As I went out I saw him, the person calling me, he just kept coming closer to me. My first instinct was to run but I had no more strength in me.

so I gave up and asked him who he was and then he said “don't you know me,” but truly it was so dark I could hardly see him but then as he came closer and closer I could finally see who he was.

As I saw his face my heart dropped, it was him! But how could this be, is it all a dream? What is going on? He came towards me and held me and then leaned forward to kiss me but I pushed him away and with all the strength in me I did the only thing reasonable at that moment, I ran, I ran until I was far away from him and closer to home.