Gashi and the Runt

“Welcome to Zoo Earth. The only zoo for you. That will be fifty Zlatkos.” the employee mutters in a tone that seems to say “I’d rather cut off seven of my arms than speak to you.”

I transmit the money while the little runt who dragged me to the hick country of the universe zooms past me to look at the outdated holograms of the Zoo’s main animals.

“Wow! Do they really look like that! Hey, Gashi, why do they only have two arms? Do they really walk like that? What’s that weird stuff on their face?”

“They only have two arms because whatever God the animals worship failed them. They walk like that because...I don’t know. And that stuff on their face is eyes, they have to use those to see things. And could you stop asking me questions, the guides are right there.” Actually looking at the guides, I see they’re all either half-wits, asleep, or so hostile they might hurt the runt’s feeling.

“Actually, forget it. Just….I don’t know go turn on your cloak and busy yourself with more of the holograms.” I look around the Zoo’s terminal. It’s all rundown and deserted, there’s green slime leaking from just about everything and many of the advertising for the zoo on the wall is still for the World War special event from a few years back.

“Ahem.”

The employee clearly having the time of his life apathetically tries to get my attention.

“Once inside the Zoo do not turn off your cloak, do not feed the animals, do not touch the animals, do not talk to the animals, and most importantly have a humazing time. The zoo is not responsible for any injuries or deaths that happen in the zoo.” I begrudgingly thank him for his time and resentfully levitate over to the runt to enter the Zoo.

“Hey, Gashi. Do you think we’ll see the animals play with each other?”

“I don’t know...probably, the Humans are tribal animals, they usually stay in packs and "play" with each other constantly. Most of them have to constantly bother each other or mimic each other.”

“Really! That’s weird. Humans are weird, Gashi. You know you don’t sound too excited to see the animals.”

“I won’t lie, runt. I’m not exactly ecstatic to be in this backwater solar system descending down to a trash planet whose animals one party trick is killing each other on mass every year or so. You’ll see once we get down there, the Humans are about as entertaining as spoiled and rotting Ventrin milk.”

“Well, I disagree. I’ve been accessing your memories from when you visited this Zoo with your watchman, and that Florida section you visited looked so cool. The animals there seemed to all be completely insane. It looked awesome!”

“Yeah, I’ll give you that one, kid, it is, but its only because the animals in the Florida section aren’t human they only look like they are. The rest of the planet is about as pleasant as the migraine you’re giving me with your questions.”

“Oh...well at least Florida will be cool! I even brought some Xeno Greens’ acid attack smack snacks to feed to the Floridians!”

“Runt, I already told you about what happened in the Roswell section when a couple of dumb, idiotic teenage Paulites tried to feed the Humans. Plus they have stomachs, that stuff will kill them.”

“I know, I know...I just wanted to play with them. Hey, why do the animals stick around with their birthers instead of being assigned a watchman like us?”

“Because they think they’re still connected to them, even if they’re morons or pric...meanies, they call it having a family.”

“That’s sooo stupid. I’m glad I got a watchman like you, Gashi. Hey, why are the apocalyptics allowed to play with the animals?”

“Because they’re too powerful to ever be in any real danger from the Animals anyway. Plus they like to mess with and manipulate the humans into killing each other more. For some reason, the Humans haven’t got even the slightest clue and have even named the species that’s devoured entire solar systems and killed millions, 'Cats'.”

“That’s really messed up, Gashi. Hey, where do you think the animals got the name “Cat”? Do you think it was from Catins from home? Ohhh, or do you think it’s from Katsaus?”

“Kid! Stop with the questions! I don’t know and I don’t care! Now shut up and look at the Animals we flew half the universe to see, or I swear to Zulu, we’ll go back to that insufferable Mars’ storm and rock museum!”

“No! I’ll be quiet...I just… I want to visit Earth just like you did when you were a kid.”

“*Sigh* I’m sorry, kid. We’ll hit all the same exhibits I hit when as was a runt and… ask away I’ll try to answer the best I can.”

"Thanks, Gashi."

"Your welcome, kid."

We landed on the surface with a weak thud. Then after enjoying two seconds of peace and relative quiet, we heard the most gratingly awful voice in the whole universe.

“Heeeeellooooooooo, zoo explorers!.” Suddenly a rustic pink three-legged robot lept in front of us. He was missing an arm and a few eyes, yet looked as if he was on the verge of tears, he was so excited to greet us in the toxic hell hole the zoo dropped us off at. WIth everything reeking sweetly of radiation and death, the near broken little bot giddily bounced in front of us as he continued his welcome.

“Welcome to the best zoo on this side of the universe, friends! With this many animal exhibitions and soooo many special events, especially with our current timed exclusive Cold War extravaganza event, we’re confident to tell you it was well “Earth” the lengthy trip!” the bot paused for a deafening amount of laughter, but only got a small chuckle from the runt.

“Now we start you dashing adventurers right into the heart of our Cold War event! Intrigue, anger, danger, division. Welcome to the beautiful Cold War extravaganza! The animals have divided themselves into two tribes, the communist tribe, and the capitalist tribe! Come and watch the exciting and wacky adventures of the universe’s favorite absurd, mass-murdering, little pre-civilization animals go head to head! Tribe to Tribe!” during our metallic friend’s lecture the runt looked restless and nudged me.

“Psst...hey, Gashi. I thought the Zoo’s Cold War event ended years ago.”

“It did. The Zoo probably just hasn’t updated the guide bot for quite a few decades.”

We listened back in as the robot began escalating to his speech's big finish.

“Earth Zoo welcomes you to the bustling and primitive animal hut of Chernobyl as we start with the communist tribe in our wild adventure! Look at the hut’s wonderful running power plant and cute little huts for the animals!” We looked as the robot gestured with his missing arm at the clearly destroyed and lifeless buildings.

“Now on to the event's best part! The animals have begun creating ways to kill themselves together, Yah!” The little bot began excitedly dancing as he continued.

“Our funny little animals at the zoo have begun making makeshift weapons with nuclear energy like our beautiful communist tribe starting point’s hut uses to make tools to make the entire planet uninhabitable for centuries! Now our mostly hairless fun little buddies our threating to kill off everyone and everything on Earth just to kill the other tribe, but will these clearly unintelligent, bizarre, and suicidal tiny creatures destroy themselves? We’ll have to wait and see as we go through our humazing tour!”

“Hey, Gashi. Wouldn’t the animals' tools kill zoo visitors too?”

“No, the cloaks we’re using so the animals don’t see or hear us, would protect us.”

“Hey, Mr. Robot could you just take us to the Florida zoo exhibit? This place doesn’t have any of the animals.”

“Ab-sol-utely, young adventurer!” Our personal little ball of rust than proceded to call a flying saucer of rust that screamed malfunction and breakdown with every jerky movement.

“Choo-chooo! Hop aboard the fastest zoo tour ship in the world, my intrepid adventurers! Up, up, and away!” .Clearly mimicking one of the animals’ characters that me and the runt didn’t know, the bot then thrusted his one arm forward and energetically blasted himself toward the ship in unsteady movements. Reluctantly, me and the runt followed him. The ship itself dripped total collapse and occasionally gave us a live demonstration of Earth’s earthquakes.

“Alright, my faaaa-vor-ite adventuring buddies! Are you ready for the epitome of speed, the fastest ship in the west, acceleration so quick it makes lighting jealous?” He paused for us to shout yes, but since the ship was so rickety it looked like it would collapse with any more energy in it, we stayed silent. The little bot than slammed the clearly heavily repaired accelerator while he screeched out.

“Fantastic! Hyperspeed, Go!” we began sluggishly crawling through the skies at a speed matching the elderly’s usual pace while we were bombarded with a crescendo of creaks, metallic groans, and unhinging parts. All while the tour ship’s flickering cloak occasionally shut off over the animals’ corn fields until the robot violently broke a few more things and turned it back on in time for the only animals who saw it to never be believed.  Then finally, a little under twelve hours later we landed with one last metallic squeal and the little bot flipping out of the ship more energized than ever.

“Welcome to the grand and wonderful Florida Exhibit! Explore our gloriously nonsensical Florida safari where we have the only known Earth species known to be more insane than the Humans, Floridians, available for up close sightseeing.” Then, In me and the runt’s first minutes in the exhibit, we saw a native Floridian fly past us riding a motorcycle through a playground wearing nothing but a piece of cloth with a sponge cartoon character on it and a flowing pink cape covered with big-eyed cartoon characters. Next to him sat the animal’s pet alligator wearing a white striped orange cone on its head. I looked down at the runt and saw a smile wider than I’d ever seen on his face. I smiled with him as we watched the majestic animal ride into a nearby building.