"I don't know. Can't we go somewhere else?"
"Come on, Katie Anne! It'll be fun." Jason leans over and kisses his girlfriend's wrinkled brow. "It'll be spooky, but there's nothing to really be afraid of. My brother and I used to sleep in a different graveyard every Halloween."
"Yeah, but why can't we pick a different graveyard? I've been to that one over on Crow Road and it's... I don't know, there's just something off about that place."
Jason's whole face lights up. "The spookier, the better!" Finally, his smile dims as he sees the look on Katie's face. He throws an arm around her waist and pulls her close. Softening his voice, he continues, "If you're really not excited about it, you don't have to go. I'll see if Dale or Kevin wants to go with me this year."
Katie relaxes into his embrace. "No, I'm being silly. Let's do it."
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The tires crunch along the gravel driveway that leads off Crow Road. Trees surround the cemetery, shielding the place from any sign of the outside world. Jason parks the car and Katie climbs out, feeling as though she's just washed ashore on some undiscovered island. As she watches the sun sink below the tops of the trees, she shivers.
Jason steps out and takes a deep breath of the fresh, chilly air. He grins. "Perfect weather for a campout. The forecast showed clear skies all weekend." He looks over as Katie shivers again. "Are you okay?" He pulls out their sleeping bags and closes the trunk. "Hun? Hey, Katie?" He walks over and slides an arm around her shoulders.
She jumps at the sudden contact. "Sorry, I just..." Her voice trails off as she stares into the distance. She shivers once more, far more violently this time.
"Katie, is everything alright? We can go home. Just say the word."
Katie spins toward Jason with a ferocity that causes him to take a reflexive step backwards. She growls her response, "We're staying!" Then, snatching one of the sleeping bags from his hands, she marches away.
Jason gapes at Katie's retreating back. In all their years together, she's never behaved like that. He finally shrugs it off as a fluke and walks up the hill after her. When he rounds the top of the grassy slope, he spots her lying in front of a headstone, eyes closed and arms folded across her chest.
"Katie!" He calls out her name as he hurries forward. She lies still as a corpse on the yellowing grass. "Hey, Katie!" She still doesn't respond, even as Jason kneels down beside her and shakes her shoulder.
Suddenly, his eyes are drawn to the headstone. Although the stone is well over a century old, the words are clear:
Mabel Williams
b. 15 July, 1816
d. 31 October, 1870
God grant mercy
A shudder runs through him as his hand glides across the carved letters. Absentmindedly, he whispers, "Mabel Williams."
Katie gasps and her eyelids fly open.
Startled and wide-eyed, Jason tumbles backwards. "What the..."
Her head whips towards him. Large eyes bore into his. Her lips twist into an evil semblance of a smile.
Jason's blood turns cold. He pushes himself backwards, afraid to turn his eyes away from that sinister visage. "K-Katie? What's... Baby, I don't know what's happening."
The grin slides from Katie's face. Her body slumps, as if she's too exhausted to hold herself upright for another second.
"Katie?" He crawls forward and reaches out a hand.
Slowly, as though waking from a deep sleep, Katie raises her head and blinks at her boyfriend. She stares at him for a moment before her face crumples. Tears start to stream down her cheeks. "Run."
"What do y--"
"Run! Jason, run, before she comes back! I can't kee..." Her body tenses. "Run!"
Confused, Jason stands up and simply stares at her.
Suddenly, the tears stop, although he can still see their wet tracks glistening in the moonlight. The crumpled face regains its eerie grin. "Let's play hide and seek." She makes a show of covering her eyes with her hands. "One... Two..."
The wind begins to whistle through the trees.
"I don't unde--"
"THREE..." A sudden clap of thunder accentuates her word. She lets out a shrill laugh that echoes through the graveyard.
Jason takes a few steps backwards.
"FOUR..." Then, in a singsong taunt, she shouts, "You better hide if you don't want to die!"
His heart pounds against his chest. Jason turns and runs through the moonlit graveyard.
"Five... Six..."
He weaves in and out among the stones, trying to find somewhere that he can get away. If only he could remember his way back to the car.
"Seven..."
The few trees are too small to hide behind.
"Eight..."
The bushes are too sparse to shield him.
"NINE..."
Only a handful of headstones are large enough.
"TEN!"
He ducks behind a large, nearby grave marker. His breath is ragged, so he clamps a hand over his mouth to stifle the sound. It starts to sprinkle.
"Ready or NOT! Here I COME!" Another maniacal cackle resounds through the cemetery.
A distant flash of lightning sends shadows along the ground. Jason looks around for some way out. But everything is too open.
"I'll find you, boy! You can't hide forever!"
Thunder crashes and shakes the ground. Footsteps echo around Jason and he can't tell which way they're coming from. Another bolt of lightning flashes and for a split second, he can see her silhouette. He dashes off in the opposite direction and ducks behind the broken headstone of Katherine A. White. The name sounds familiar, but in his adrenaline-fueled state, he can't quite make a connection.
"Olly, olly, oxenfree!" She growls the words.
Squeezing his eyes shut, Jason whispers to no one in particular, "Help me."
The wind gusts for a moment, blocking out all the other sounds. When it stops, Jason opens his eyes to see a spirit floating in front of him. He gawks at the woman-shaped cloud of mist. The raindrops bore holes through the spirit. He watches in fascination as the holes close themselves moments later.
For the briefest of moments, the ghost's eyes meet Jason's. A feeling of peace flows through him. Somehow without a word, the ghost lets him know that everything will be alright.
"Sweetheart? Are you there?" The words sound so soft and gentle and Katie-like, that Jason nearly calls out to her. But he doesn't, and her next words come as a thunder-accentuated roar. "WHERE ARE YOU?!"
The ghost flies up and over the tombstones. Then, she shoots forward. She goes straight into Katie's chest and disappears. Katie's eyes go wide, her body shakes with convulsions.
Jason watches from the shadows, torn with indecision. Can he somehow help if he goes to her? If he goes to her, will he make things worse? Finally, he sees her legs start to buckle, and the decision is made for him. He rushes forward to catch her before her head can hit the ground.
In his warm embrace, the convulsions stop and she looks into his eyes. "Jason? What's--." Katie's whole body tenses up again. Her eyes clamp shut as tears flow freely down her cheeks.
"Katie? Talk to me, Katie Anne. Tell me what's going on."
Her body convulses one final time. Two spirits fly out from her chest, each clawing and tearing at the other. Visually, the two white apparitions look very similar. But they each emanate a distinct emotion. One radiates hate and malice; the other exudes love and hope.
No longer suffocating beneath the crush of the invading spirit, Katie inhales a giant lungful of air. She sits bolt upright and the couple watches, mesmerized, as the spirits battle.
Over and over again, Malicious keeps trying to make its way back toward Katie. All the while, Hopeful keeps the evil spirit away.
"She's MINE!" Malicious breaks away and flies toward Katie.
"NO!" Hopeful latches on to the evil spirit once more. "Run, Sugar! I've got her."
Jason pulls Katie to her feet, but she hesitates to leave. He tries to pull her away, but she takes a step forward.
"Grandma?"
"I love you, Sugar. Now go!"
Reclaiming Katie's hand, Jason tugs her once more. She follows this time, shouting over her shoulder, "I love you, too, Grandma!"
They don't stop until they make it to the top of the tall hill at the edge of the graveyard. But then, they turn back to look. The two spirits are still struggling against one another. The light sprinkle of rain becomes a sudden downpour. From afar, the couple watches as the ghosts dissolve and disappear, unable to maintain their spiritual forms in the heavy rain.
Finally, without another word, Jake and Katie take each other's hand and rush back to the car. As the car speeds down the driveway, they each silently vow never to return to that haunted graveyard out on Crow Road.
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4 comments
Hi C. Britt, At first this story had good pace, but I feel it kind of dropped off by about 1/3 of the way through. The plot was there, but I felt it a bit bland and hard to follow in places. I would also be more detailed in describing scenes. Embrace them and try to avoid telling. I noticed you use ‘then’ a lot, it could be omitted. Some other grammatical, punctuation, typos: “Katie relaxes into his embrace.” - telling. How about : Katie feels his touch, warmth, etc “Trees surround the cemetery, shielding the place from any...
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Thanks for the feedback! Could you please give me some more specifics on some of your comments? -- Pace dropped off by about 1/3 of the way through. Can you give a specific paragraph number that you're talking about? -- bland and hard to follow in places. -- Any specific place that you have in mind? -- “still as a corpse” - Cliche -- Of course it's cliche. Are you NEVER supposed to use cliches? -- “Her body slumps, as if she’s too exhausted to hold herself upright for another second.” Wasn’t she lying down in the previous sentenc...
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Sure thing. -- Pace dropped off by about 1/3 of the way through I think it’s the counting and the game of hide and seek that ensues. I imagine you are trying to convey suspense (through time) with the counting, but to me it feels predictable and I didn’t get the shock/suspense feeling from this scene. -- bland and hard to follow in places. -- Any specific place that you have in mind? “I’ll find you, boy! You can’t hide forever!” - so it’s a game of hide and seek? “When it stops, Jason opens his eyes to see a spirit floating in fr...
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Thanks for the follow up! I actually did give a little bit of feedback on one of your stories last night :-)
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