The Mystery Man

Submitted into Contest #47 in response to: Suitcase in hand, you head to the station.... view prompt

5 comments

Adventure

Suitcase in hand, you head to the station. You walk quickly through the dark night streets. Your feet a mere whisper on the cobblestone. The early morning air is cold and a dense fog envelops the streets that are eerily empty at this hour. You jump at every noise knowing at any time he could appear. Shadows seem to be lurking at every corner, cast by the dull yellow glow of the street lamps. Your breath comes faster as you pick up the pace to the train station. Still several miles in the distance. You're not sure if your nerves can become any more frayed. 

You near the end of the thatch roof houses. The rest of the way is just a gravel path through the hilly countryside. No one to hear or see you from here. It starts to rain. It is not long before the road becomes slick and your vision more scarce.The only thing helping you is the pale misty glow of moonlight overhead. A cold fear trickles down your spine. You sense him. You clutch the suitcase tighter as you lose your footing and start to slide down one of the large rocky hills. You try to catch yourself. Your hands grasping desperately into the crisp dark air. You find nothing. You tumble down the steep hillside. When you come to a stop at the bottom the suitcase is gone. Your heart quickens. You search desperately, blindly in the darkness. Tripping and falling through the bramble. Suddenly you see a small glint of light shining from the metal of the case a few feet away. You scramble up off the ground to grab it and get back on the gravel path.

Suddenly you stop. You hear heavy footsteps crunch over the gravel. They’re coming in your direction. You look around. There’s nowhere to hide except for the tall grass growing along the side of the road. As quickly and quietly as possible, you lay down in the grass, out of sight. Clutching the suitcase tightly to your body, you peer out through the overgrowth. A body is visible in the distance. As he nears you feel your heart begin to pound against your chest. So loud in your own ears you know it must surely be heard by the approaching figure. He is right in front of you when the moonlight illuminates his face. Your hand covers your mouth as a small whimper escapes your lips. It’s him. He doesn’t seem to hear the sound you have made. He continues. You wait until he is over the hill and his footsteps are receding into the distance opposite you before emerging from the grass. You hurry on.

You are chilled and shivering when you arrive at the station. You let yourself relax slightly. You have made it. Alive. As you enter you look around. You know he is still trailing you. You spot him watching you from the corner. Hastily you look away and head to the counter to buy a one way ticket out as fast as you can. All you hope is that the clerk keeps his voice low enough that you are not overheard. You cannot take the risk of him following you once more. You pay and look back at the corner. No one is there. Your heart starts pounding again. The hair on the back of your neck stands on end. You feel as if you are still being watched. You fight a rising panic. All you have to do now is wait for the train. Just stay alert. The train should be here soon. Just stay alive. 

Your eyes scan the station again. You don’t see him. You know you have to stay where there are people. You look around again. The station is nearly empty. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning. You decide to stay close to the cashier window until the train comes. Just stay alert. Just stay alive. You are so focused on your surroundings and inspecting every person you do not hear the train arrive. The horn blares. You jump so violently you topple the brochure stand behind you. You don’t have time to pick it up. You cannot turn your back. You cannot lose your focus. You rush to the train and get in line with the few others who are boarding with you. You take one last look around. There he is, slowly walking alongside the train towards you. You feel yourself start to panic. He is inching nearer. You need the conductor to hurry. At last you hand him your ticket and  promptly climb aboard. 

Once inside you dash down the passageway with rapid strides until you find an empty cabin. Hastily you step inside and close the door behind you. You sit back in your seat breathing heavily. You can see him still standing outside the train in the station. He’s staring in your direction. As if he knows exactly where you are. You slide down out of sight and close your eyes. Willing the train to start moving. After one last blast of the horn you feel the train lurch and start to roll forward.

When you know the station is a safe distance behind. You take a breath and sit up. Your hands, cold and clammy. You pull the suitcase you have been carrying close to you and open it. The documents are still there. They are still safe, just as you will be soon. You just need to deliver them to their rightful owner. Suddenly the door slides open. You jump and shut the suitcase. A tall man walks in. He’s wearing a dingy suit. Weatherbeaten and torn. His dark hat sits low on his forehead. Engulfing his face in shadows. Immediately you feel the color drain from your face. Fear coursing through your veins. The man gives a slight nod and sits down across from you. 

You both ride in silence most of the way. Staring out into the darkness. You are just one stop away from your destination. As a small thin light starts to form on the horizon the man shifts in his seat. Slowly you grip the suitcase tight and rise up from your seat. You only have one chance. You throw yourself towards the door. Your hand grazes the handle just as he grabs you from behind. Violently he turns you around to face him. You can now see the full view of his face. Your body feels numb. Your worst suspicions confirmed. He has caught up with you. Your eyes wild with terror. You glance at the door of the cabin once again. You try to jerk away from his tight grasp, but he is too strong. He pulls out a sweet smelling cloth and covers your face. You try to fight him. You try to scream. But you can’t. You feel the room start to sway. Your body lightens and for a moment everything is tranquil. Almost calm. The man grabs the suitcase and makes to exit the room. He turns one last time to look at you. He puts one finger to his lips and slides the door closed. You hear his footsteps echo down the aisle… He is gone. 

Everything fades to black.

June 23, 2020 21:07

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5 comments

E. Jude
20:31 Jul 05, 2020

Oh my! This story was AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! Absolutely, faultlessly beautiful. I'm sure you were one of the runner ups for winning. I was hanging on to every word, terrified for the woman. The descriptions were impeccable, tight editing! Wow, this was just one of the best stories I've come across on this website, and I've read quite a few! Again, well done! I would love it if you could check out my stories too! XElsa

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Eve Naden
21:36 Jul 01, 2020

Brilliant story. Very suspenseful. You craft tension with expert precision. I love the immersive description and you really helped me to get a sense of where I was in the narrative.

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14:00 Jul 03, 2020

Thank you! I have never written in second person before so I wasn't sure how it was going to go.

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Nickolai Lanier
21:13 Jul 01, 2020

Gabriela, I received your story in my inbox so I could provide you with feedback. Thanks for your story! I loved the suspense and the escalating tone throughout the piece. I want to try and be helpful here, just like I would if I were in a real writer’s workshop situation, so hopefully this critique can help you write more fantastic stories! A couple of things I noticed about your work: -There are a lot of details. Oftentimes, the work goes into description and uses that to force the narration forward. But sometimes, I think the deta...

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14:16 Jul 03, 2020

I appreciate your feedback. I wrote the story with a 40's old time radio show in mind. Where they use more description and keep you on the edge of your seat most of the time. Maybe that didn't transfer as well into short story form. I see what you are saying about the texture and the speeding up and slowing down. This was kind of a genre jump for me as I've never written a mystery type story (or second person) before. This critique will be helping moving forward in my writing.

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