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Adventure Funny

“So, what’s the catch” I asked the car seller.

“No, no catch. Just a few issues. Rear wiper won’t work. But the brakes do.”

“Wonderful.”

“Half the time. All the lights work great. Especially the engine light that one stays on all the time.”

“Well for $400 dollars-“

“Heaters start in seconds.”

“It is getting colder-”

“So long as you don’t mind toxic fumes and headaches that come with it but who’s asking anyways. Not you. So we have a deal.”

“Absolutely.”

“Hey you aren’t swindling me are ya?” 

“I don’t need this car for driving. I need to a place to live and $400 is the best deal I can find.”

“Perfect. It’s like a house on wheels if you think about it. Hell you can cook in your car like the Goofy movie.

“Which goofy movie.”

“The Goofy movie starring Goofy. Now gimme the money.”

With the deal completely I had my place to eat, sleep and most importantly, work. I’ve decide to become a writer for myself full-stop. I would’ve dropped other commitments like my job as a film editor but it looks like they dropped me first. The good news: my tv show got its 2nd season got picked up. The bad news: season 1 is on permanent hiatus. Good luck getting your office keys back for me when they start again, I’m gone.

In the meantime I’ve been kicked out of my living situation. The landlord asked me to pay the rent again. I told him I already paid last month and he was being hasty. He booted me instantly. Not out of the house immediately, just with a leather boot to the butt. I left a few days later.

Serious writing requires guidance so I enrolled in a writing class. Once a week our class of eight would meet and I usually came the most prepared with stories. While most everyone had money and steady employment, I funneled everything I had left into what was important to me, my unprofitable dream. I’d tell them my story of unemployment and homelessness but cleverly change my name for another name. I was championed by the entire class as a great writer until a mysterious person showed up with a better story. He was truly a starving artist; living and starving in the park right next to the school. He was unashamed to admit his poor condition. He even wore it with his tattered jeans and ripped t-shirt. Sebastian the artist he called himself and he proclaimed the poorer his condition became, the better writer he became.

So I reasoned to work harder and make myself poorer to become the best. If he could make himself poorer, surely I can too. 

At the library I placed all my remaining valuable belongs on a desk and individually packaged them for easy handling. My phone, laptop and wallet were all for the taking as I left them unattended while using the restroom. When I returned an hour later my belongs hadn’t moved and a librarian commented that the “please steal me” sign was too suspicious even for the most dopiest of thieves. The thieves robbed the other library patrons at gunpoint instead. The trip wasn’t unfruitful at least. While in the washroom I read an article about how people waste their time and money on a new phenomenon; virtual reality. I went quickly to the nearest Internet cafe.

I tapped into the virtual reality world with a headset and set on a path to get swindled out of the little funds I had left. There were scammers selling digital coins so i bought a set with the rest of my money from the biggest looking fraudster of them all. Immediately the value of the coin dropped as the celebrity backing the project exited in bad faith. All my coins plummeted in value! 

However a popular YouTube detective uncovered the scam in less than 12 hours and the project was fully restored by the shamed celebrity. Public interest in the scam skyrocketed and within 2 days my initial investment quadruplifed 1000x and left me an instant millionaire. 

Determined to lose this money and I traded all my coins for chips at the nearest casino. However some petty dealers were quitting that day over lost wages and dealt me the best cards ever in history. I quintupplified my bankroll again. 

Living carefree and without effort put my life into shambles. I couldn’t express myself fully with all this money making my life totally enjoyable and entertaining as hell. My art got worse as I was having the time of life. And as I had guessed my newest story of instant wealth and security was frowned upon by the class. “He lost it” and “sell out” were some of the critiques. Sebastian the Artist’s new humbxle story entitled Passion in Poor Park received a standing ovation from the class. I hollered the most even though I hated the story.

However there was a rumor about Sebastian the Artist. The other students believed he wasn’t poor at all. Why? Because the park he lived in was owned by his parents and features 100 ft luxury high rise. Also they had seen him through the window dining at a restaurant called French à la Expensive. And his clothes, ripped Dolce and Gabbana winter collection 2024. Such futuristic tastes didn’t come off as humble as they once did.

Sebastian the Artist admitted to the allegations but maintained he still was a true artist. Even with all the afforded luxuries and privileges, he said he maintained a state of mental poverty. 

“You can’t really appreciate the good times without the bad times. With me being the wealthiest, I’m actually the most qualified to speak on both the best AND worst of times. Get it?”

The students acted as if they knew what he was talking about as to not look stupid in front of him.

“Okay great see ya”, said Sebastian as he exited the conversation and flew away in his helicopter taxi.

The class was left very confused. If the wealthiest people understood the human condition the best, doesn’t that make me great as well? So I tried to convince them that my story was better than originally perceived. They said if I changed my story to be about poverty instead of wealth then I would be considered a great writer again. I immediately changed the title of my story to The Dirt Poor of Necessity City. The story entered the best-sellers list in spring 2024 and remained until 2088.

March 10, 2023 22:49

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RBE | Illustrated Short Stories | 2024-06

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