There was once that day.
That day that melted into the background of the clear, crisp crust of sunset. It (the sunset) sort of had puffs of clouds that seemed to give off vibes of toy-story-perfection, the colors that swirled behind it (of course) were so extra to the POINT that no one even (as heck!) would notice such cloud-like-wonders. The wonders didn't end there: in fact, they HAVE only begun. Beginning with the sunset and ending… With her smile. Streams of golden waves of hair that flowed: down her back. Blue-blue eyes; but not the type of eyes that seem to bullshit you from JUST-looking at them. No, they were eyes with depth. Depth based on days she'd question,
"Why me? Why ME?!" Because I care.
"Why would you leave me to those who have hurt me before? That run-down barn is tearing to pieces! Why?"
"Because I care for you, that's why Luna."
"Luna this LUNA that! How can you manage to keep my name on repeat (like a record) and yet…? Be so unfaithful to me? Who was there for you when your parents divorced? Me! (that's who!) Why can't you understand!"
"I do understand......- "
"No! You don't! You never will, Jamie!"
"There are tears in your eyes"
But there was…...
I starting to think about the little details. From the way, she dips the curve of her dimples in a downward slope, in an unwanted frown. (She hates frowning.) She reminded me of that saying: "Karma always bites you from behind." Or, was that even such a phrase to describe this situation. The fact that-as I bit down on my bottom lip- as I'm thinking and thinking that's therapy to my mind…...
The mind that seems to have a maze (a complex one) that twists and turns and is created from rose thorns and dried up blood. BLOOD. How such a method to describe the pain that stings me for hours that day….
Why the fuck would I leave you?
"I feel like as though momma was right about you, Jamie."
As her temples start to crease- creating strands of visible lines across her forehead- she starts to whimper like a lost puppy. A puppy who's been loved, then forgotten. For that puppy is now a dog, an ugly, disoriented dog.
"The way you look at me isn't the same. When you looked at me with love, you now look at me in-"
She doesn't finish.
Because I finish what's supposed to be done: before she starts the ranting.
BAM: The trigger spikes up her head.
BAM: The love of my life….
I guess her momma is darn right: I am the real bad guy.
MASOCHIST! YOU SHOULD DIE ALREADY!
MASOCHIST! YOU SHOULD STOP TRYING!
"Kill me, and you will foresee all your greatest fears and demons." A chuckle churns in my stomach. A cockroach seems to stem from my stomach and up my throat.
Crouched in the middle of cans and cereal boxes was a cat with porcelain blue fur and deep raven eyes. The eyes were as wide as saucers and had a unique spark to them that just glowed in the sunlight. The fur was light and fuzzy with soft highlights at the tips of each fur spike. Its paws elegantly clutched the trash bin and refused to let go of its grasp. ears were pointed and twitched as soon as I spoke. "Hey, there little guy. Are you lost? Can I see if you have a collar with you?" But, as soon as I reached out to snatch a peek at its collar it snarled. Or rather, meowed back at me with that "don't touch me!" Kind of attitude. Ouch. Now I know of one cat that hated my guts. So instead of reaching out I gently pat its back. Another growl. Well then.
I guess I'll just leave it alone.
"So, I wonder," I started to say breaking the silence. "What's your name?" Silence. Wow. I forgot that cats can't speak human language. "I guess I'll name you then." I smiled, -a good one saved for the only being that listens to me- deciding on a name.
Roxy, Midnight, Michelle...... Hmm. What to name you. Blue fur, raven eyes, cushion-like paws, sharp claws. And that's when it struck me: Luna.
"I know what to name you: Luna," I said clearly so the cat may hear me.
That night, I talked to Luna, our conversations easing my stress at school.
"You know, you have pretty eyes and fur for a cat." It stared at me in wonder, mesmerizing me.
"I wonder if you are a male or a female?" Looked under. Oh. Luna looks at me, embarrassed.
"I wonder where you came from... I wonder how old you are...... Hmmm, when should we celebrate your birthday?"
Somehow, these consecutive questions that I flashed at this creature that I expected it to speak to me- were calming. It drifted me to a pleasant place; a place where I can be me and no one will judge. Judge me who should NOT be trusted.
And I guess those Oreos dipped in peanut butter snacks I'd have as a little boy all added up. Added up to the freak I'd become. The person who hates this somber world; this ugly environment of mine.
It's not my fault though.
"I wish I could be a cat-like you, Luna." I start to mutter under my breath to such a mesmerizing creature.
Don’t think like that: I started thinking that if I was a cat (like Luna here) then, what a life I’d live! A life where I was carefree and non-existent. People would look one glance at me and just say: “What a cute cat!” Or be it, they call me an ugly cat! Either way-however- I’d be seen as an animal: one who can do whatever it pleases. Not being submitted to the crimes crowned on my head, laced in thorns. There would only be…… I HATE her: Her as in my ex-girlfriend. The one always (always!) complaining day-by-day-night-by-night about the same things: “You don’t love me” and, “Why can’t you see me for who I was before. But, it’s not my fault she was in that car accident two years ago. She is so ugly: Just kidding, not really though.
I started to make this sort of mental list on a pad of post-its’ on my desk. Scribbling and crossing out the sentences that I really didn’t (honestly!) mean to write.
Remembering that I had a can of tuna in my backpack, I cooed at Luna, kind of like telling her to “come to me!” I’ve-got-food type of business.
It’s sort of funny how life picks you up and rocks you ‘round, like a small child being carried around by his father. His father whom never would DO such a kind act to his only son because (darn right!) he takes out his anger every time he fights with your mother. The mother who’s doesn’t have the time to help her only son even if his lives on the line. Cause though you want to do something about SOME-thing, (out there, of course) you can’t even fulfill that dream of being #1 to your child…. Welp, the father will send you and your son to the hospital, anyway.
“Are you sure that you want to end this? DO you NOT see how hurt I am? The many tears I’ve shed day-by-day for you?”
“Luna, why can’t you see?”
“See what? HUH? (Huh?) I CAN’T FUCKING SEE ANYTHING. Not the way you’ve bullshitted all those other women in the past: not even the way you don’t even think before you say or do things before you act-TUALLY do tHeM. I’m just going to
cross out your name when I see it next to mine on our wedding certificate now….”
“Can you SHUT uP! What the hell is wrong with you?”
Her eyes fill, and her eyes turn into this sort of manic expression…
“When we meet again,” She says her mouth in a devilish grin, “ I’ll kill you in your fucking next LIFE.”
What next life? Could this be it? Her next life? I start to notice the way that the midnight-blue cat preened at itself. It was clean and subtle but tired looking but inhumanely mesmerizing. Why?
Don’t get killed: These were my very exact words that I had said to her, and yet…..To die at the hands of a lover and be turned into a cat to seduce me in my present life….That’s….Just not….RIGHT. Say “I love you”: In fact, I was never able to say such insignificant words to her. Why?
Because as the sun falls/ You fall along with it
Because as I start to notice the way you smile at me/ You leave?
Leaving long lost the lands above/
WHOOSH! It’s suddenly so windy in my bedroom that a chill gets sent up my spine.
Oh? Is this her WAY of vengeance? But as the winds wisp my sheets the cat is replaced. Not by my Luna but by her mother. The mother tells me:
“You should’ve saved her while you could! Why would you leave my daughter! She wanted nothing but love and compassion! And…. You gave her pain; merciless pain! Oh! You son of a bitch, you imbecile! STOP.”
The shining blue ghost of a dwarfed woman wearing something like a nun would wear is suddenly clawed at (by Luna the cat) and her invisible head rolls down the mahogany floors. Luna (the cat) evolves into a creature with rusted horns and devilish features, but the same three legs…. Remain. The ghost disperses into black ash and the ash then forms into poisonous tarantulas. The tarantulas crawl up my body, ticking (Tick, tick, tick, tick!) up-and-down my spine and throat… But instead of embedding my body in blood and wounds, it just feels like an ant bite.
Then the cat (or whatever creature it was before) disappears in a FLASH! BAM!BAM!BAM! “S….o…..o….n…..you….will….BE MINE!”
And I’m dead.
Not in that sort of way though.
And the cockroaches continue to disperse throughout my organs; until I’m nothing but a cockroaches’ host.
What a word.
There was that day, one that ceased to exist. The day that the host of cockroaches existed. But, why cockroaches? Cause how you treated another was the catalyst of all of the Mud man’s return to Earth. The mud man whom once a man of purity and trust. A man who only ever wanted to understand pain, and instead: received brutality of trust. The woman called Luna, (his wife) was once a kind and trusting woman. When she was sent to the hospital after a recent car accident on I-45 at 5:50 pm, she was opted for surgery. But, no matter how much cosmetic surgery was treated, the wounds (or, the scars) that remained on her face would leave her scarred as a deformed beast. A beast that…. Could never be loved. Even by the man who
This diary entry was written by the Mud man, the one and only Jamie Rodriguez. The one and only lover of the woman that once loved her so. Why? Why?
The man had never ceased to find one perfect, crystal clear day. A day with mercy, and kindness. Karma will…Always find you.
“Ma’am, send this to the post office for me, will you?”
“Yes sir. With pleasure. But may I ask why you would send a letter to some woman who died forty years ago?”
“It’s a secret that no one can tell….”
“I’ll keep my promise to not reveal- “
“ Well, Ms. Ladden Ann I will reveal this …..”
And his devilish, maniacal grin reveled through the everlasting sunset.
There was that day. The only day.