Checklist for Time Travel

1.    WWDBD: What Would Doc Brown Do?

2.    Polaroid picture of yourself surrounded by immediate family members

3.    Men’s lightweight packable puffer jacket in red

4.    Pick-up lines proven to work on Margot Robbie (P.S. Make sure the writing room has determined that these really work, no time to waste here)

5.    If Rachel McAdams is your wife in an alternate timeline, don’t screw up that timeline—also, why is Rachel McAdams always the wife in every modern time travel movie?

6.    Penlight for inspecting surroundings in the closet or cupboard

7.    Reminder sticky note, “Do Not Predict Eclipses.” This should be self-explanatory

8.    No trying to get back ex-girlfriends. (Exception permitted for Margot Robbie). This should be self-explanatory. Remember: “Lesson Number One: All the time traveling in the world can't make someone love you."

9.    Time loop repellant spray. This should be self-explanatory

10. Remember: Time loops never end well

11. “I’ve spent years working on time travel. And no matter how much the world doubted me or how many relationships I’ve had to sacrifice, it would all be worth it when I proved everyone wrong,” is always a good speech to give before your first time travel experiment.

12. Remember to leave video messages for yourself and/or send yourself letters in a pinch

13. Do not misplace your portal gun!

14. Everything is going to need to be perfect

15. Remember, if time travel is possible, you still can’t change the past – it already happened!

16. Never underestimate the small things, or doubt for a moment that the small things are everything

17. Don’t misplace your portal gun!

18. Why can’t someone change the past?

19. Beware time amnesia. You won’t remember this, but if you experience time amnesia, you may be in a Rom-Com

20. “I can deal with the best night of my life” is also a clue that you may be in a Rom-Com

21. Rules of time travel Rom-Coms: Rule #1 - No family members; no exceptions – especially younger versions of mom.

22. “How many times have we been here,” is code for you are in a time loop

23. Do not expect a 12-year-old, bullied, asthmatic sixth grader to adopt “Leading Man Ryan Reynolds” hero abilities in the First Act

24. No phone booths. I mean it. Trust me on this

25. You should go back to your own time—always a good idea

26. “What are you not telling me?”

27. Keep a journal of times and places in case you need to make past dates with your future wife. Highly recommended

28. Directions to create a time travel device if yours gets lost in an era when time travel hasn’t been invented yet a/k/a “Dude Where’s My Car”

29. Remember: Do get killed, don’t get captured

30. Never underestimate Meg Murry

31. If Scott Pilgrim never hooks up with Ramona Flowers, he won’t have to battle the Seven Evil Exes

32. Don’t pass notes in class

33. Don’t pass notes identifying the date of one’s death – especially in thunderstorms when lightning is about to strike the Clock Tower

34. This is what makes time travel possible, the flux capacitor. Obviously

35. When explaining why you avoided the circumstances of your own death, always say, “I figured, what the hell!”

36. If at any time time-traveling dwarves, Terry Gilliam, and Sean Connery cross paths, just go with it

37. Also when Terry Gilliam, Bruce Willis, and Brad Pitt team up for a psychological drama—hang on to your seat

38. No one is going to believe the line, “I have a genetic anomaly.” Just saying

39. Grandfather paradoxes are for amateurs

40. Don’t misplace your portal gun!

41. The butterfly effect is very real

42. Repairing time leaks is a precarious business

43. Competing against your future self can be harder than it might seem at first

44. Don’t go back in time and see your dead mother—trust me on this one

45. The middle seat gets both armrests

46. Keep your shoes on

47. Switch seats if someone asks you

48. Be nice to the TTA officials and make sure your timeport is up to date, you don’t want to find out what happens in the interrogation room

49. AI Librarians can give useful information on the inner workings of time travel

50. The world doesn’t need any more engineers; also, time dilation is a bitch

51. Even if nothing can change the past, you can still change the future

52. Any time a knight travels to the future, don’t let his manners fool you

53. Life’s a mixed bag, no matter who you are

54. Paris is always a good idea

55. Try not to fanboy Ernest Hemingway

56. No really, it’s embarrassing

57. Hollywood Screen Writers married to Rachel McAdams should stick with Rachel McAdams; just saying

58. There’s a reason you broke up with Alexandra Daddario

59. New Year’s Eve is always tricky

60. “You and I are friends in the future, when you are a lady,” is always a good line

61. “You’ve always said you wished you met me earlier. Well, here I am,” is also a good opener

62. Time-traveling babies are no bueno

63. Do not kill your older self, particularly if your older self is a gracefully aging but angry-looking Bruce Willis look-alike; this will only create a vicious cat-and-mouse game leading to a bunch of nasty time paradoxes

64. Never cheat on a woman with her younger self

65. Avoid bildungsroman cliches, but if you use them, skateboarding youth should always graduate to Ford F-150s, not Toyota SR5s – very important

66. Bring time-period appropriate attire—not by Calvin Klein

67. Reminder sticky note, “You can’t kill Hitler or shag Helen of Troy”

68. WWDBD: What Would Doc Brown Do?

69. “69 dudes!”

70. Reminder sticky note, “Preventing the assassination of JFK might be in the cards”

71. Reminder sticky note, “Avoid traveling down alternate timelines”

72. Stay away from women walking in the rain – this is a tragedy trope – stay far, far away

73. No tag-a-longs or hitchhikers, this is not Highway 66 (yes, especially women walking in the rain, or serial killers [also extremely bad])

74. Preventing World War III is harder than it looks

75. Time, it catches up with us all

76. Stay clear of time zombies

77. What happens at the Lake House stays at the Lake House

78. “And, party on, dudes!”

79. Remember: We are all traveling through time together