A Lost Human Woman and a Wholesome Minotaur Walk Into a Bar

And she cried for him. My god, did she cry for him, the friend who never existed at all. Another lifetime wasted because she screwed it up again. Kody’s hollow shell stumbled to the bathroom where the tap turned on automatically and the lights were not lit from oil. 

“Take me back,” her voice croaked. Her shaking arms were covered in soot and her tongue still tasted the inhaled smoke. She coughed up ash into the sink and rinsed it out with the readily available water. No well. 

“After what you did? He would never,” the scarlet-eyed man smirked in the mirror, a face she was both livid and relieved to see. Kody lifted her fist like a sledgehammer and slammed it into the mirror, but it only left small splinters. A stream of scarlet ran a river down her blackened hand. “So touchy, Kody,” his pursed lips and the fresh lines made his smirk almost clearer in the cracked mirror. 

“Please,” her voice sounded so far away. She clutched the fist that was now streaming with blood and knew she could heal it instantly – some sort of side effect from the other world – if only she didn’t deserve to bleed.

“Take. Me. Back. Thaller, please,” she barked in raspy syllables, “I didn’t mean to. It was an accident. He-he just wanted a c-c-candle,” every word a white flag to a game she never intended to play. Her shoulders racked with sobs.

Where did Gramps keep his clothes again? The raggedy henley was covered in singed burn holes. She was beyond exhausted, but Kody couldn’t stop now. Going back through the portal meant she would have to start all over again. Memory wiped. Scared and alone. All over again. But at least Grigg wouldn’t be dead. This time she would keep him alive.

“Kody…” Thaller groaned, his eyes rolled in exasperation, “Stop doing this to yourself. It won’t work.” Yes it would. It had to.

Thaller watched her intently with familiar wild eyes. The coward only revealed himself as a timekeeper after she left his world. While within in, he remained the only one who watched this story play out countless times. He watched Kody suffer over and over and did nothing to prevent it.

“You won’t remember me,” Thaller said. Again, he should have added. 

“How will I know you when you get there?” Her mind was made up. If Thaller wouldn’t pull her back through the mirror, she was going to go back to the portal.

"Why do you want to?” he flirted. Kody sent him a piercing look.

“Because, Thaller, I’m about to jump into a frozen lake and land back in a fantasy cowtown alone and confused. How will I know you?” Her voice was sharp and resolute, but it was a lost cause. They both knew it.

“I’ll be behind the bar,” Thaller sighed. Behind the bar. Behind the bar. Behind the bar. 

“Behind the bar,” she repeated aloud, then took a jagged inhale and stared into Thaller’s dark velvet red eyes. Thaller nodded with bless your heart condescension.  

“I’ll see you there,” he responded with feigned lightheartedness. He is the timekeeper. He is the timekeeper. He is the timekeeper.

“See you there,” Kody turned on her heel and searched for a change of clothes.

###

A cloud of condensation billowed around her as Kody slammed the sticking front door. What may have been a place of solitude for Gramps was nothing but a pure nightmare. All this time he came here to write, not knowing there was a portal to an entire world in the woods.

Pickaxe, check. Hunting knife, check. She spotted her neon spray painted X on an evergreen at the edge of the treeline and started the blistering trek to her planned fate.

It was one of those classic chill-your-bones winter nights in Cincinnati, Ohio, only to turn even colder when she made it to the pond about a half mile into the woods. She would’ve ran there, but didn’t want to risk falling on the pickaxe. 

The tears on her cheeks made her teeth chatter, but it was no use trying to stop them. Sheer desperation alone delivered her to the pond, and now it was time to get through the thick sheet of ice.

Kody swung her shoulder around and slammed the pickaxe into the middle of the pond. It left a quarter sized dent. It was about to be a long night that would result in falling into sub-temperature water on purpose. The urgency she felt over the death of Grigg powered her exhausted body as she swung again and again and again and again. 

What felt like an eternity was probably closer to an hour when the semicircle she cracked into the ice started to feel unstable. Like Bowser in Super Smash Bros, she ground pounded into the ice, which only resulted in a bruised tailbone and ego. She frantically swung the pickaxe and yelled loud enough to scare away any lurking animals. In a moment of pure frustration, she jumped and stomped into the ice with both feet like a tantruming toddler.

The frigid water surrounded her and sent a shockwave through system. 

When she could bear it no longer, she felt the familiar pull that led her to the nonexistent bottom.

Her lungs burned, starved for oxygen. Water? Why am I in the water? This is a bad dream. It’s just a bad dream, Kody. Swim! Swim!

She cracked through the surface and gasped as precious air filled her lungs. How odd. Dreams typically turn to nightmares, not the other way around. She scanned the landscape as she continued to tread the tepid water. Lush greenery and immaculate botany surrounded the natural pool. Floral and earthy perfumes delighted her nose and she –

Screamed bloody murder.

“AHHHHH!” What is that? What is that? What even IS that?

“Shh, shh.” Enormous hands rose in surrender, failing to calm Kody down.

“AHHHH!” It can talk! No no no…And it has horns! 

Bad dream. She was right the first time. She turned in the water and swam as fast as she could to the other side of the pond. 

“Hey! Calm down now. I ain’t gonna hurtcha,” she heard it holler at her. That’s what all monsters say. She clambered to the shore and begged her subconscious to wake up. She shakily came to a stand when she realized…she was completely naked.

At that point, she just cried. Clearly doomed, she resigned herself to death by horned bear monster in nothing but her birthday suit. 

“Goodness human, yeh act like you’ve never seen a minotaur before.” The unphased minotaur lumbered toward Kody as she waited to die. She sat down on her bare tush, hugged her shins, and placed her forehead atop her knees. The swishing of the tall grasses was the only indication of his nearing presence. She felt scratchy fabric around her back placed by calloused hands. Kody looked up into deep brown eyes and whimpered in fear.

Kody had always wondered if her response would be fight, flight or freeze. 

“Hey, c’mon now. Yer okay. D’ya want help?” the deep voice offered hesitantly. She turned her head to find a pale yellow poncho draped on her dripping back. The fear that racked her body felt as imminent as washing her face after watching a scary movie.

Kody’s lungs inhaled and exhaled deeply at a rapid pace. She gave one more pointed look at the minotaur, then pulled the poncho over her head, stood up, and scrambled several steps away.

Did she hear that right? He said he was a minotaur? At least, she assumed it was a he.

“D’ya want me to leave yeh?” She returned to her frozen state. “I didn’t mean to scare yeh. Honest.” 

“Where am I?” The sound of her soprano voice shocked both of them.

“Erm…well this is a pond…and…we’re ‘bouta fifteen minute walk from town…uhm.” 

“What town?” The minotaur looked at Kody with cautious curiosity.

“Braihoptin?” So, not Ohio. She stared at him, water from the ends of her chin length hair dripped onto the scratchy lemon poncho that reached her knees. “Are yeh lost or sometin?”

Kody’s bottom lip jutted out involuntarily and started to quiver. She nodded and he gave her a moment to reckon with her new truth. The towering beast stood perfectly still to avoid unintentionally scaring her again.

She took a deep grounding breath and looked up. If the minotaur was going to kill her, he would have done so by now. She was in a foreign land with creatures she had only read about in storybooks. She may as well be polite.

“I’m Kody.” 

“You’re not human?”

“No. I-I mean yes. Yes, I am human. My name is Kody.”

“Ah, I see. I’m Grigg. I own the local book shop, Grigg’s Good Reads. Catchy, eh?” She let out a chuckle despite herself. 

“Yes, it really is.” 

“We can head back to town. There’s usually open rooms at the tavern ‘cross the street. We are pretty remote, so we don’t get many travelers looking to stay.”

“That sounds great,” I think. Kody’s mind wandered to what kind of books she could find in a minotaur’s collection before returning to the logistics of her unplanned road trip. She scratched her shoulder under the draped poncho. “And clothes?”

Behind the bar flashed in her mind, like the smell of her second grade classroom. Hm, weird.

“Ah yes, there’s a tailor there, too. Though if you were frightened when you saw me, I shudder at what you’ll think of the nymph that runs the shop.” Grigg’s shoulders quivered in mock fear.

They started down the worn dirt path. They were passed by carriages heading into what Kody assumed was the town. Her speed walk was his leisurely stroll.

“So what do yah do for a livin'?” Grigg asked her.

“I’m a freelance editor actually,” Grigg’s bushy eyebrows raised and he gave a gentle nod before Kody continued, “And I make candles, but that’s just a side gig.” 

“Can-dles?”

“Yeah, like wax with a wick that smells good when you burn it…” They must not have candles here, Kody deduced. 

“Like a lantern?” He flicked his tail to ward off a pesky fly.

“Sort of…” But not really. 

“And what do they smell like? Fire?”

“Well you can pick whatever scent you like. Lavender. Sage. Tangerine. You can even make candles that smell like baked goods. It makes the whole room smell like you just baked an apple pie.” 

“Mmmm. Would you make me one?,” he asked in earnest. So they don’t have candles, but they have apple pie. Where in the world am I? In what world am I?

“Uhhh, if I can find the right materials and ingredients. If I can, then absolutely.” 

“That’s sweet. Thanks Kody the Human.” He winked at Kody. It reminded her of the teasing jokes her Gramps would tell before he passed away. They weren’t slap-your-knee funny, but they did stir a giggle. 

As they rounded the corner, Kody took in the marvelous sight of a quintessential fantasy town; dark wooden buildings with swinging handmade signs, fae with pointed ears and judgement in their eyes, a group of goblins grumbled as they waddled into the tavern, and an actual human stroked a brilliant white unicorn and fed it fresh carrots.

Timekeeper flashed in the confines of her memory. Maybe she was just thinking of a special power she read about in one of her many fantasy novels?

“We made it," Gregg announced, "The tavern owner can come off condescending, but he’s nice enough.” He opened the tavern door as Kody walked under his muscular arm.

A lost human woman and a wholesome minotaur walk into a bar. There’s got to be a joke in there somewhere. 

“Ah, Kody. You made it,” said the peculiar man polishing a beer glass behind the bar. Kody froze, her legs as stubborn as a bull. Behind the bar. She shook the repeated thought out of her head.

“Do I know you?” she asked. Her heart picked up its pace and began beating double time.

“No. No you do not.” The man with the crimson eyes set down the polished glass, took a key off one of the hooks swinging from the cabinet, and placed it on the polished wooden bar top.