Ham Samwell's Quest for Revenge

Bard Origin Story

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? That was the question that haunted the thoughts of Ham Samwell.

Ever since the incident, Ham had plotted his revenge. He promised himself he would get that fowl woman back for what she did.

Here’s what went down...

When he was fifteen years old, Ham Samwell joined an adventuring party consisting of three others. The eldest in the group was Zeek, a tender hearted barbarian. There was also Genevieve Lorelia Isla Novalie Doris Anne, a genetically mutated dwarf standing at just over ten feet tall. She went by Glinda to avoid confusion. And then there was Chadmore, a charming cowbow.

Glinda was Ham’s musical inspiration. She played the guitar. Ham would laugh because of how tiny it looked when she held it. Glinda taught Ham everything he knew about music. Ever since he had joined the party, he had looked up to her–literally.

As for Ham Samwell? He played the lute. At least, he tried. He played well for his level of experience and age, but he had much to learn. Chadmore would describe Ham as a silly goose who rarely worked hard. Ham didn’t practice much unless there was a reward for his playing.

Tonight, Ham Samwell had been invited to perform in front of a huge audience. Glinda had heard of a gig and recommended Ham. The organizers of the show had accepted Glinda’s proposal and looked forward to Ham’s performance. Though reluctant at first, Ham had been practicing diligently for months for this moment. He was confident in his abilities and ear for music.

Lights draped across an amphitheatre flickered on as the sun sank. Guests filled in the stoney seats. The chatter picked up as more guests arrived. Zeek, Glinda, and Chadmore eagerly filled some of the front seats. Ham sat on the edge where it would be easiest for him to get onto the stage.

A man in a black cloak strode onto the stage. His dark hair had a magical flow. It was so perfect that Ham was sure he used a spell. The man’s voice carried through the amphitheatre.

"Ladies and gentlemen, elves and dwarves. Welcome to the Frogue Tavern Amphitheatre semi-annual Star Show! We appreciate your patronage. I am Cal, your host for tonight. We are very excited to present tonight’s program! First, we present Quakar’s Choreography. Following that, all are invited to join Ham Samwell in song!” Zeek and Glinda smiled at Ham while Chadmore playfully nudged him. Zeek Cal subtly left the stage, signaling for Quakar to begin.

The audience cheered as the leafling known as Quakar hopped onto the stage. At a nimble height of three feet and eight inches, he stood proudly, ready to perform. He was a vaguely humanoid living plant, composed of flexible roots. Quakar had a full head of luscious green leaves. His eyes sparkled as if they were two black gemstones.

A few other leaflings entered the stage and began to lightly tap on drums.

Quakar swayed back and forth, comfortable with the steady flow of the beat. He danced to an ancient folk song, introducing a unique interpretation. It was like nothing Ham had ever seen before. Quakar danced with grace and confidence. It was enchanting.

His dances drew to an end, and the audience cheered their approval.

“I cannot be-leaf how awesome that was!”

“Interesting take. Hot for sure.”

“What a cute little planty!”

Ham Samwell trembled with nerves. This would be his first ever public performance. Despite his practice, he felt extremely uncomfortable with the idea of performing. He agreed to perform because Glinda encouraged him to share his talent. He had been asked by Cal, the renowned host himself, to perform tonight on one of the most reputable stages in the land. And there were a lot of guests present…

“And now, we present Ham Samwell! He will be playing one song for us tonight. Everyone is invited to join as Ham performs Wind of the Present!”

Ham nervously made his way to the stage, nearly tripping twice. He sat on the chair placed for him in the middle of the stage.

Ham delicately plucked his lute. He began to play Wind of the Present, a widely known mellow tavern song. His music was soft and reflective of internal somberness. Ham began to sing in his low tones. The assembly joined, calming the atmosphere.

♬

No worry of the past

Or thought of the future

The green tree sways

In sink with wind

No beauty can surpass

That lofty dream

Insightful rays

Guide our hearts

Worry not, worry not

Let love outshine the darkness

Worry not, worry not

♬

The song drew to an end and applause erupted. Ham could not contain his excitement. He sighed with relief and flashed a huge smile. Thank goodness everything went well! He bowed and started to walk off the stage.

Then he saw her. Morwenna ‘Bad Egg’ Bartlett. The most beautiful girl in the whole world. Despite her peculiar name, she had the most wonderful smile Ham had ever beheld with his own two eyes. He had seen her exactly six times before. Her family managed a farm. Morwenna milked the cows and brought the milk to the market to be sold. Everytime Ham visited the market, he kept an eye out for her. He froze when he saw her here tonight, hoping she had enjoyed his performance. He suddenly felt very self conscious.

Then, Ham Samwell did the unthinkable. He jumped off the stage and ran toward her. In a moment of bravery, he stammered a daring question. “Will you go out with me?” All seemed well in the world for that moment.

“Fat chance,” she scoffed monotonically. Ham broke out into a huge grin. Wait, that’s a good thing right? But he didn’t quite understand. In that moment, he deeply mistook her meaning. By fat chance, she had really meant slim chance. Indeed, fat chance was not a good chance.

With that, Morwenna ‘Bad Egg’ Bartlett hucked her plate of mashed potatoes at Ham Samwell. The potatoes splattered all over Ham, ruining his lute and outfit. A few guests were caught in the crossfire. The leaflings gasped and the audience quieted. Ham stood frozen in shock. Huh?! Ham’s grin warped to a grimace and his eyes water with tears.

As if I would go out with an idiot performer like you. Pathetic bard wannabe,” Morwenna sneered.

Ham held back from erupting into a horrific bawl on the spot. Now he understood why they called her ‘Bad Egg.’ Zeek became like a statue while Chadmore yelled wildly. The audience buzzed with anger as they recovered from their shock.

“Hey now, that wasn’t necessary, lady.”

“What did she do?!”

“Not the lute!”

“I would go out with you, Samwell!”

Ham caught sight of Glinda. At first he ran toward her, but when she reached out for an embrace, he dodged. Ham did not want her pity. He zoomed past her with no destination in mind.

Ham Samwell disappeared into the night.

…

For years, this embarrassing memory haunted Ham Samwell. He hadn’t visited his home town since the incident.

He actively pursued his career, fueled by burning spite. Now a young adult, he was nigh unrecognizable. His skills in music had increased dramatically. Despite his rocky start, he was now one of the most well-known bards in all the land. Ham had left his old party and to follow his dream… and to find Morwenna.

He hadn’t seen her since that day. The day she ruined his lute with mashed potatoes. The day she set him on a path of greatness. Ham would find her, and he would show her how far he had come. How much he had grown. He would get his revenge. He refused to let go of his hatred, convincing himself of its efficiency in progressing.

Ham bought a new lute, along with a few drums to experiment. The lute was always his favorite. Performing was the highlight of his life.

Glinda had written several letters to Ham, requesting that he re-join the party. They had started a new quest, hunting for a lost treasure. Glinda wrote that they missed Ham. He would add greatly to their team.

Still, he stood his ground. Ham encountered his old party a few times in the time since the incident, but none of said encounters went well. They always ended with contention. Ham associated his friends with the embarrassing events of that day and did not wish to see them.

One quiet evening, Ham spent the night at a tavern. He was exhausted from a long day of traveling and performing. He ordered a variety of foods to dissipate his hunger. Ham sat alone amidst a large mass of people, finding comfort in the loudness of the room. He let his mind wander, processing the events of his day.

As he ate, a small group of performers gathered on a small stage. They set up some instruments and talked. Ham’s eyes widened when he recognized her. Who strolled out onto the stage, but Morwenna ‘Bad Egg’ Bartlett in the flesh, about to perform tonight!

Didn’t she call me an idiot performer? It seemed Morwenna had changed her mind about the performing arts. Along with a few others, she started to dance. The dance was mediocre at best, in Ham’s opinion–though he was very biased. His eyes never strayed from Morwenna. He stewed with old resentment.

Ham locked eyes with Morwenna. She did appear to not recognize him. He looked down at his platter of food. Mashed potatoes. He almost laughed at the irony. A wicked idea flashed across the mind of Ham Samwell.

Don’t do it…

Why not? She did it first!

Leave it in the past. It won’t make anything better.

But I’ve been waiting for this moment.

Maybe it’s time to let go. Look how happy she looks.

Just a little bit won’t hurt, right? Remember the incident?

And all those times I’ve left my friends behind?

Just a little bit won’t hurt.

I have nothing to lose.

Do it, Ham.

He began to shake with anticipation.

Ham Samwell howled with laughter as he launched his revenge.