OneThing

All my life I have felt held back by something, MYSELF. I have struggled with being overweight for as long as I can remember. it started out as me gaining an interest in food especially sweets like candies, ice cream, cake, cookies...etc. Me as a kid didn't really understand gaining weight, I had never thought it was a problem. my family never said anything when I had just started eating more than my body could handle. it was always. aww sweetie it's just "baby fat." or "your just big-boned you will grow out of it." "Your just thick"... my food wasn't managed at all. not until I had gotten old enough to understand what has really happened and what I have been doing to my body.

And trust me I am NOT placing blame, I just wish I could go back in time to reverse the damage, BUT I Can't... I want to move forward and be better and healthier. work the weight off, the trauma off I want to be happy I feel shackled by my weight, limited and I HATE that "if it wasn't for this ..." I feel like I can't do anything. but eat especially at the weight I am now. It's like my weight is stopping me from enjoying my life and it revolved around everything even my thoughts are plagued with how I look in the mirror and I want to change that.

I am a college student in my second year and sadly. nothing has changed since my high school graduation. I'm still the same.

so, I am taking some new steps toward my longtime goal of 'weight loss.' I major in language and computer science and a few other things that aren't worth mentioning. but I really want to be a singer, but I haven't done anything to pursue those dreams. I was told I "Don't fit the image". so, I just gave up because of other people's words. I guess I gave up on myself too.

I have been working out for about a week now and eating really healthy, so I guess I'm feeling really good I just... hope this pay's off in the end. it will, right?... IT'S BEEN A MONTH and I have only lost 5 pounds. I should feel great at least I lost something. but why do I feel like the perfect image I have always had in my head about when I finally lose weight and look how I want. won't happen. I'm 5 pounds lighter but feel heavier... I wish this could happen overnight.

since exercising I have found walking to be calming and relaxing it really helps with clearing things up so that's what I do when I feel helpless but that beautiful walk was short-lived as I ran into A group of girls that don't like me. because of my weight (I'm the one with the problem but yet they feel offended) funny right?

I was so in my head I failed to realize. I walked into A mean group of smaller women from my music class I joined for a brief minute. my mind was at its lowest, so this was the worst time for me to hear all the things they said about me yelling and laughing at me in one of the main places all kids from the college go to release stress. so, the girls were able to gather a nice crowd. that was laughing along with what they were saying... they don't even deserve to be repeated or remembered.

It felt so much like high school I almost got Deja vu. I am beyond embarrassed and attacked like no matter what I do it's not enough. but instead of defending myself, I walk away in tears. 'Good thing spring break starts tomorrow. '

I start to breathe heavily everything seems blurry and everything is spinning I can't even breathe now. Feeling trapped in myself I start to run blindly. with no direction I don't know where I am, I have calmed down, but I'm lost and can't bother to care.

It's a pretty secluded area with a lake. and this big looking tree that looks very majestic I sit down by it and take a deep breath. it has gotten dark enough for me to see the moon reflect off the lake... and my tears have yet to run out. I'm staring out into this beautiful view in silence. yet I can't even enjoy it. like "if it wasn't for this one thing, I could really be happy, I Wish I was as beautiful in real life as I am in my mind." I get up off the ground and stand on the edge of the lake I look down and my reflection...

Only to see someone else someone smaller and prettier It's definitely not me or maybe it is I DON'T KNOW... but I'm starting to freak out at this point, then the fucking reflection winked at me WINKED like what does that, h-how does that even happen ... then I feel my body shutting down and everything goes blank...

I wake up in my (single dorm) on my bed it's still dark and I am very confused. it's so dark so I tap my phone for some of the light and check the time and as I lean over my body feel's weird it's 5:55 AM, I get up to use the bathroom and that's when I know something is really wrong. I feel light when I stand, I turn on the nearest lamp and look at my hands (I'm freaking out) BECAUSE these do not look like the hands, I own at all mines are chubby and big These are small and slender I RUN TO THE BATHROOM what I see literally I have no words.

It is the image that sees every time someone talks about me whether directly or indirectly. who I wished I could be and look like I guess it's my inner beauty. I SLOWLY touch my face with these small hands of mine ... IT FELT RIGHT there was a shock but after I realized. what this is and what it means all I can feel is happiness... and like a burden was lifted. it felt comfortable after all that heaviness I have felt for so long.

"These clothes are too big for me." I have never said those words before in my life... but luckily, I might have something I can fit into. when I would go inside the mall and see clothes that I would like to where I buy them even though at the time, I couldn't fit them I would get them based on the "one day I will get there."

I pick out some clothes from the small variety and then get myself fixed up (something I haven't done in a long time maybe ever) it made me happy I haven't felt this way about myself ever.

I do the finishing touches and am amazed at how good I look I almost cry, but it feels good and very freeing. (How did this happen?)

But instead of thinking about it too much I just want to be happy about something big finally happening to me.

today is the start of spring break and I have to head to my hometown to see the family It's been a year since I have seen them.

And they are definitely not expecting me. but I guess today will be an even bigger surprise.

I hop on a plane and head to Las Vegas. there are so many things I didn't have to worry about when going through the airport. like the stares, I used to get from people the seats, the whisper all that comes with being a big person and I don't miss it...

I land and get an uber and head to my childhood home.

there is this big family gathering where everyone comes and eats' and then there is this big talent show where everyone who is around family or not joins to win a 100-gift card to the best Restuarant in town. "linguine's" is how it is supposed to be spelled but the Restuarant's sign was spelled wrong it was too late to get a new sign made and put up before the opening, which was the next day, so it was changed to Lins. accidentally...

I'm excited to see my family after a while. I pull up to the venue we have these thing's at every year. I walk and I see my big, big family I'm still far away and nervous (for obvious reasons). I start walking to my mom and then I give her a big back hug she screams so loudly everyone turns to look then as she is about to turn around to see who it is I say "HI MOM." over the next 1hr I'm getting a shocked reaction from not just my mom but my aunts and uncles, cousin, more cousins and my siblings who are both happy to see me and shocked at my appearance there are a few rude remarks here and there while we are eating but I don't grace them with a reply ... then the talent show starts...

There were all sorts of people who come up dancing, singing and rapping it was really fun until... my name is called as soon as I blinked, I'm on a stage in front of hundreds of people in the park. with a guitar, I didn't bring ... I felt put on the spot but then I remembered That I have changed, and I NEED to give this a shot.

then I look around as I think of a song I have always wanted to sing in front of people (evermore by Taylor swift) as I'm doing something I never expected to do looking at people I never expected to see I feel full I see these beautiful reactions to this lovely song, and I know for sure that this is what I want to do.

I finish the song and I get my first standing ovation accompanied by loud applause from my family and walking strangers by the park it felt 'nice.' I get down from the stage and head over to my mom and give her an excited squeal "I can't believe That just happened who put my name down" she laughs and says " your older brother thought. It's about time you shared your voice." I run over and give him a hug. and say, "how did you kn- he interrupts and say’s “I'm your older brother I know everything” I roll my eyes.

 I walked Toward the small lake by the park. reminding me about that 'NIGHT' that changed my life. I think about what would have happened if the old me was up on that stage. " I guess I know what would have happened" I couldn't ever be happy at that weight. I turn around only to see. someone I thought I would never see again.

"Hey cee how have to been."

"J-Jace h-hi I have been well how about you."

'I'm literally a stuttering mess in front of him.'

"I have been well missing you, Y-YOU look amazing."

'I'm shocked he missed me. ME that's unexpected.'

" You missed me, I missed you too. "

This is Jace, my only high school friend he is very handsome and sweet, 

I wrap up things with my family and headed home to spend time with them and told my old friend that we can meet the next day. so, I get up excited for this meetup and head to the same park.

we talk and catch up he is actually taking classes to be a chiropractor he wants to be able to help the clients at his gym since he is a. personal trainer (coincidentally)

"I tried calling you, but you never answered."

"I'm sorry I didn't call you or reach out you were the only thing that kept me sane in that school jay I just thought that you wouldn't want to be seen with me after graduation."

"WHAT, did you really think that?"

I nod silently.

" cee you could be so oblivious sometimes," he says with his hands. on his face"

"What do you mean by that jay I say " almost defensively.

"I thought you were beautiful back then I wanted to ask you out. that's why I never dated anyone else. 

I clear my throat on the verge of tears.

"How could you like me when I looked like that, I had a crush on you too you know" as much as I tried to hold it together the tears fell.

he held me tightly and wiped my tears and said words that will always be in my heart.

"You saw someone unworthy who didn't deserve love or happiness, I saw someone talented, smart funny, considerate, and beautiful. you made me feel heard and seen like no other person could I see you worked hard, and you look beautiful then as you do now, I have always loved you no matter what size you are ... because we can do everything together."

I'm a crying mess at these words and they register deep then he says " CeeCee would you our 5-year crush and be my girlfriend."

I nod my head slowly on his shoulder then he lifts my head and gives me the tenderest first kiss anybody could ever have...

Jace and I have been together for a week now I have 2 weeks till I have to go back to L.A This has been the most wonderful time I have ever had in my life with my family and boyfriend. 

But I have been feeling sick these past few days coughing sneezing shortness of breath blurred vision and my stomach has been hurting so bad it is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. then this morning I woke up with the worst pain ever I run to the bathroom toilet and throw up so much my vision blurred I wiped my eyes and see a toilet full of blood the last thing I hear was my mother calling out to me then 'DARKNESS'

I wake up to the sound of beeping and see a machine and a tube running in my arm I look around and see my parents and 2 brothers.

"what's going on am I in the hospital."

my mom and everyone get up at the sound of my voice and run over to my side.

" You threw up so much blood sweetie and we found you in your bathroom passed out on the floor, so we rushed you to the hospital they ran tests and did an x-ray while you were out. so, we are waiting for those".

" How are you feeling," my dad asks while everyone looks at me sadly.

I'm about to answer when I hear a knock accompanied by a room full of doctors and I get a little nervous seeing them all in one place.

"Miss Jones I am doctor Aztec I'm from radiology." then they all introduce themselves one by one."

" Well, is there anything wrong with her doc " my older brother say's?"

he sighs and say's " we took bloodwork and did an x-ray and we have found a big tumor in her stomach. it is not in a place where we can operate to remove it is cancerous at this point chemotherapy is out of the question it is too late for that. she has 3-6 months to live IM terribly sorry."

I AM an emotional wreck.

I just got what I wanted It was a wish I didn't expect to come true everything didn't seem impossible I felt like I could reach the skies without being tied down...

my family is heartbroken, and they don't even know how to digest this information neither do I 

but I'm not going down like this I have to go back to where it started this is too unexpected, I booked a flight. Back to L.A and it feels like I got here in a flash. (no-one knows I left the hospital)

I felt bad for just up and leaving but I had to get back here fast.

to where it all started.

I'm trying to take back my wish I want everything to go back to before. THEN I SAY " PLEASE I have made a mistake I'm happy in this body the looks my talent the guy I finally have but I realize that I left behind something MYSELF I didn't try hard enough I didn't give myself a chance the girl who had hopes and dreams that felt so far away I JUDGED HER MORE HARSHLY THAN ANYONE EVER HAS and that- that reality hurts more than anything has in my entire life ... If One Thing could change, I wish I loved myself no matter what size I am."

a gush of wind blows as I see a woman in all white " YOU HAVE PASSED AND LEARNED YOUR MISTAKES... this image you have made up in your head will never be perfect you can get close to it but you and everyone else in this world will have flaws you can either work hard to change them or accept yourself. but don't ever abandon yourself for temporary happiness. you are beautiful No matter what REMEMBER EVERYTHING COMES WITH A CATCH)" with that, she snapped her fingers and disappeared. I somehow woke up in my dorm room and have gone back to the day before spring break started. (She sent me back for a do-over) I should be upset but surprisingly I'm not I realized that I want to work for that feeling again. my weight wasn't the only thing that needed to change my mindset as well. I will work hard and give myself a chance at happiness (and I need to get Jace as MYSELF) ...