Retirement

Isolated. Completely and utterly isolated. It was wonderful. I spent my life in the spotlight, always surrounded by paparazzi and fans. Between the parties, corporate events, and interviews, I had been suffocated for as long as I could remember. It was non-stop, and it was exhausting. When the public eye is watching, you always have to behave. You cannot argue with a barista for ruining your order or yell at the guy that cut you off. You must be good, the picture-perfect hero.

As I looked at the mountains, I breathed in deeply for the first time in 50 years. There was no one here, nor did anyone know that I was here. I could do as I pleased, could run for miles in any direction, and because I could, I did. I ran north for 10 minutes and checking my watch saw that I went just under 15km. Faster than a horse but slower than the average cheetah, I knew I could do better, but today was for exploring. I went East, South, and West and saw nothing but deer and blue jays. Surrounded by nature, I was free. Exhilarated, I decided to finish my run by jogging up a mountain. The higher I climbed, the more exhausted I became, these old legs were not what they used to be, and I knew I had overdone it on my first day. Eventually, winded and wheezing, I made it to the top. I sat down a little dizzy before making my way to the lookout point. 

As I looked at the vast forest surrounding me, I applauded myself for choosing the perfect retirement spot. "ECHO-O-O-o-o!" I shouted. "IT IS ME-E-E-e-e!". It echoed over and over again. I always enjoyed that. "CAN ANYONE HERE ME-ME-ME-e!". "HELLO-O-O-O-o-o!". I giggled, which I can safely say I have never done before. It was beautiful, not a care in the world.

"HOW DID YOU FIND ME-E-e-e!" a voice answered. To say I was startled would be an understatement. I jumped 10 feet into the air - something I have not done since I grabbed a helicopter out of the sky to arrest the Grizzly Robbers back in '09. Alarmed, I couldn't locate the source of the voice. The echo quickly became more annoying than amusing.

The voice was familiar, but I couldn't place it. I clenched my fists- heartbeat raised. "WHY ARE YOU HIDING?-ing-ing-ing, SHOW YOURSELF!" I call back. I feel a swift breeze and know who it is – Dragonfly.

He overshot his landing, or maybe he was trying to be dramatic- always with the theatrics. As I watched him turn and land, wings folding in down his back, I remember the last time we saw each other. It was one of the few failures in my career. A classic story, he got the cash, and I saved the girl. Complete with explosions, guns, and an epic fistfight. That was five years ago, and no one has seen him since.

He's aged; lines framed his eyes where his mask once did. A potbelly covered his once steel abs. "So we meet again, Tornado," he boomed while raising his arms, readying himself for one of our classic battles. Rolling my eyes at the use of such a basic line, I do some quick thinking. I saw three options.

One: take him out- but I've tried that before, and I had just run up a mountain- I am not as strong as I once was.

Two: Call for backup- the agency would be glad to take him out. But then they would know where I was.

I went with three.

"I am not here for you, Dragonfly," I state while gesturing for him to lower his fists to no affect, his eyes screamed battle. "So this is where you retired, not a bad call, who else is here?" there is a forced nonchalance in my voice. "no one." Dragonfly responds. "you're the first person I have seen in four and a half years."

I turned my back to him, exposed, vulnerable, something he has never seen and took a seat on the edge of the mountain. "take a seat Dragonfly." Slowly his fists faltered, and he took his place next to me. 

"Nice view, eh?" I said. "my name's not Tornado. It’s Ralph, Ralph Thomson." I could tell this took him by surprise- he sized me up, unsure what was happening. "Are you stalling until the agency gets here? Still scared to take me alone?" I laughed, "I could have taken you alone any day if they let me. I am here alone now." "That was a mistake."  "Perhaps." I answered coolly, "I am guessing your name is not Dragonfly?" "Obviously." "Then, what is it?" "Why?" He questioned, and I sighed, deciding to come straight out with it. If it came to a fight, I could carry my own, but it seems frivolous "I too am retired, my first day. I am not here for you, as I stated." Dragonfly laughed a hearty laugh, sized me up, and after a moment, he smiled. "What are the chances. Eric, Eric Snider, nice to meet you, Ralph." We shook hands, and I joined in laughing. If only the public could see us now: two old men, arch enemies by every definition of the word, shaking hands on a mountain. 

As we shook, I thought back. We had a good run, the two of us. I'd captured him, and he'd escape jail. We'd fight and demolish cities. He'd take something of mine, and I'd hunt him down. He was the perfect villain, never killed anyone, always unique, and he kept me on my toes.

"I always liked you," I admitted to him and myself for the first time. "You weren't a jerk like 'V,' god he was pretentious. He always laughed when I didn't understand his 'schemes.' And what kind of power is electricity? I just threw a fireproof blanket on him and won. Childs play, boring. But flying, flying, I can respect." Eric chuckled, "nothing like the speed you got, the speed you can run…Ralph, was it?" I nodded, and he continued, "you know V reached out to me once. He tried to get me to tag-team a heist. I told him off. I never liked his style." Eric said. "Nice." I smirked, "So, I have to ask," he started. "What was it like he said- being the good guy?". I thought about it all those years of saving people, stopping trains, knocking out villains. That was good. But the fans, the haters, the conferences, the press releases, articles, and figurines, it went on and on and on. "Exhausting," I finally said. "I should have retired when you vanished. As I said, I liked you, nothing exciting has happened in 5 years. What's it like being the villain?" "tiring, but a little fun, I never hurt  – you know that right- I never hurt anyone. It was always about the 1%, those high and mighty. Taking to much, so I knocked them down a pe-". "– oh come off it, I laughed you were no robin hood, you took all profits for yourself." I interrupted. He simply shrugged. "I know you never hurt anyone." I agreed. He smiled, and his shoulders relaxed, "except you, Tornado; I gave you a run for your money." "That you did, that you did," I replied.

I stood up and stretched my legs. Pointed to my cabin- "three clicks west, four north. If you hit the river, you've gone too far." He nodded. "I'll bring some wine over, I make it myself and we can talk more about the good ole' days. I want to hear your side of the Great Dolphin Battle!" Dragonfly replied. "Dolphin Battle? I always called it the Aquarium Scrum! We didn't fight the dolphins." Chuckling, we shook hands and parted.

The next few days I read, walked, swam, read, walked, swam, napped, walked, and read. After all those years, it wasn't all it cracked up to be. Until, one night after coming back from a swim, I opened my door to find not one, not two, but 13 donkeys inside my cabin and a familiar note "Up high, or down low, sorry T you still too slow." I smiled. Maybe retirement won't be boring after all. 

Thus began the greatest prank battle of all time.