The Last of the Melchuks

In a land far, far away, there lived the Melchuks, who were not like the Milchuks.

Now, the Melchuks did their best to live properly. Whenever someone criticized a Melchuk, everyone would call that person a Milchuk. So, there were more and more Milchuks, which presented a problem.

“I am right in the middle of it!” Sammy Melchuk said.

“In the middle of what?” Buffy asked.

“I don’t know what!” Sammy said.

“You’re joking!” Buffy said. “That’s not funny.”

“Is it?” Sammy said.

“Why sure! You think you have a problem but can’t describe it!”

“Buffy, what if I told you what I am in the middle of? Would that help?”

“Why do you need help? Yeah, tell me everything!”

So, Sammy whispered into Buffy’s ear. And she didn’t tell anyone anything about it.

#

Everything had a problem. It didn’t know that it existed. But then it wouldn’t know that it had a problem. Which then couldn’t be solved. It couldn’t speak or think or do anything!

Sammy called a meeting of all the people. But he didn't want to say what the problem was. Partly because he was embarrassed that he couldn't solve the problem and also because he told Buffy it was a secret. Also, he felt that if everything had a problem, it probably couldn't be solved. Who could solve a problem with everything? Not Sammy!

But this caused such a problem for all of the Melchuks because Sammy couldn't tell everyone he was in the middle of it. If everyone else knew that everything had a problem, who knows what would happen?

But Sammy had to have a meeting because he was afraid. He would have it with only a blank piece of paper for his speech! So while everyone was standing around talking in the meeting hall, he called the meeting to order and told the people to take their seats. And Sammy was in the middle of all the people, on a stage hoping that maybe if he was in the middle of all the people, that would be like being in the middle of everything. And Sammy was there without Buffy.

Sammy opened his mouth, but nothing came out. All the people at first were stunned. At first they laughed, but when Sammy still didn't speak, they started throwing things. This made Sammy mad.

“This is unacceptable!” yelled Sammy. “All Milchuks must leave!”

The Milchuks were angry. "Why call a meeting of all the people if only the Melchuks can make decisions!" they shouted.

"I need everyone to solve a problem with everything! Don't you see?"

"No, we don't see! If there is a problem with everything and everyone is needed to solve it, nothing is going to work!" So then the Milchuks stormed off.

More than half the people there left. Buffy was hanging around the door of the meeting house.

“You too Buffy!” yelled Sammy from the podium. He stood on the stage looking at many empty chairs and all the Melchuks who stayed behind.

“I’m not at this stupid meeting, Sammy! See, I’m outside!”

Sammy was furious. “Throw her out!” he yelled at the guards. Who then went to the door and slammed it shut in Buffy’s face.

#

The Melchuks couldn’t solve everything’s problem. They tried and tried, everyone getting upset, with a lot of cursing and swearing. People would say things like “You bonehead!” or “Dipstick!” or “Cheesebrain!” And more and more people were turning into Milchuks! Sammy stood on the stage and hung his head, saying nothing.

Then, of course, once someone was a Milchuk, they had to leave the meeting!

Only Sammy was left, wondering of course why he too didn’t turn into a Milchuk. He started to cry.

“Oh woe is me! I tried to solve everything’s problem with everyone but that didn't work. Then I tried to solve the problem with just the Melchuks and look what happened! Now there are no more Melchuks left! Everything I do is wrong!"

Sammy left the meeting place and sat down near some trees. Buffy tiptoed to where Sammy was and hid behind a tree. Then she put on her best spooky voice and said, “You must make a moooovie, Sammy!”

Which surprised Sammy so much. “Who is there?”

“It is meee! The Ghost of Melchuks Past!”

“I can’t make a movie! I would need help!”

“Aaask the Milchuks to help you!”

#

Sammy was very afraid. All the Milchuks were so mad at him! How could he get their help to make a movie? But he wanted to please Buffy, so off he went to the town and tried talking to them in the town square.

“You shouldn’t be talking to us!” the Milchucks said. “We’re the ones who can't be Melchuks anymore!

Sammy was sad. Then he had an idea. “What if I make a movie? Everyone will see it, and then everything will be saved!”

All the Milchuks got really mad and nasty. They made a circle around Sammy, pointing and laughing!

“What will you call your stupid movie, The Last of the Melchuks? No one will care! You’ll still be in the middle of it!”

“How do all of you know that I am in the middle of it? I only told Buffy!”

One of the Milchuks, a very old man, went up to Sammy. He bopped him on the nose! Not hard. Just enough so that it hurt a little bit.

“You were the one that told Buffy that there was a problem with everything!” the old man said. “That’s when everything went wrong!”

Everyone there started laughing so hard that some of them had to go to the bathroom. And they didn’t take a bath!

Sammy sat down. He started bawling. Big tears fell all over the place, making such a mess. Everyone stopped laughing. Some of them got upset.

“Get Buffy! Quick!” A few Milchuks ran in all directions. One of them came back with Buffy.

She knelt down next to Sammy. “It will be alright, Sammy. Don’t make that movie. I only wanted you to talk to the MIlchuks. That’s all.”

Sammy wiped his face with the tissue that Buffy gave him.

“Really?” he said. He tried to smile, but then all the hurt came back again.

“I really am the last of the Melchuks!’ he said as he got angry. “And I will always be a Melchuk! All alone for the rest of my life!”

The Milchuks all gathered around, some of them offering him toys and more tissues. They would say, “There, there,” and, “It's not so bad!” One of them said, “You’ll be a tourist attraction! You’ll be rich!”

But nothing cheered Sammy up. “I want to be a real Milchuk!” he said.

Buffy shook her head. “You can’t be a MIlchuk without criticizing a Melchuk! And you are the only Melchuk left! It’s impossible.”

But in the end, Sammy turned into a Milchuk and he told Buffy how he did it.

Buffy had such a big grin. And Sammy never had a problem with everything ever again.