Dante and the dark wood

Bad words.

"What's this week's prompt?" What?! What did I do?"

"Just leave. I'm trying to write."

"I'm hurt. Truly."

"Why don't you surf the web for doom merchandise or whatever it is you do in your spare time?"

"Surf? Sure thing, it's gonna be radical. I'll hop on my skateboard, flip to the B side and fast-forward to those sick beats. One, two princes kneel before you-"

"You're a living shit-post compilation."

"Let me read some of them prompts, my boy. Together we can write the perfect story, with perky dragons and towering tits. A story about a fox spirit…"

"Really?"

"How many vaginas do you think got moist when reading this? Matt flexing his Japanese and exotic tongues. I bet them ladies wouldn't mind him articulating some folklore inside their -"

"He's probably appreciative of other cultures, myths, and legends from Asia."

"Yeah, right. Don't let that opened-mouth-child-like-innocence profile picture fool you. He probably gets more ass than a toilet seat."

"Maybe I should research some of these words and get inspired to write something out of my comfort zone."

"Totally, bro. I say we pick that 'ho' one."

"*Sigh*. Forget it."

"Dante, now that's a story I know by heart."

"No kidding?"

"Yep, I get max stats on all missions. Go ahead, ask me anything."

"I think the video game took some liberties with the original story, don't you?"

"Perhaps. That quote the prompt is based on: it's supposed to be a reflection of what he has become. But unlike in the book, the Dante we know and love had no doubt in his mind. Not when he slew the angel of death and took his bitching scythe, not when he stood tall after slaughtering prisoners of war, and not when he ventured into hell to get sweet-tits Beatrice."

"You're wrong. He did regret killing all those people."

"No, because he sewed a tapestry on his chest depicting every sin imaginable. That's not something people in need of redemption do. That's something people who deal with death and destruction do."

"I see your point. Why would he do that?"

"Would you fuck with a guy with that kind of ink on his chest? Even Satan got his in the end."

"Noted. So you're saying Dante as a character is fully formed from the get-go."

"That's right, there's no progression. It all has to do with his will."

"Doesn't he want Beatrice back?"

"He does. But let me ask you this: what kind of crazy person you would have to be to declare war on the source of all evil in the world, venture through hell, and slay the prince of darkness? His ego is bigger than his love for one woman. Dante wanted to settle the score, no one takes anything from him, and lives."

"Let me look at that quote again: 'I came to myself within a dark wood where the straight way was lost.'"

"It's out of context."

"What?"

"It's out of context, bro. You can't expect to interpret a quote correctly if not taken into context. Open the book to that chapter where the phrase is taken from."

"Ok, I see. So he braved the dark wood and then a leopard, a lion, a she-wolf forced him to turn back to the dark."

"It's his gay side. He's struggling."

"I thought for a moment you could take things seriously, but now I see you're just-"

“Just like other guys, only after one thing. Shut up, I’m dead serious. Who is Alighieri hot for?" 

"I have no idea what you’re talking about." 

"Virgil, the Roman poet." 

"Oh, right. He does meet him after the forest, and they talk." 

"That’s right. Would you like to hear my theory about what this part of the story is about?" 

"Are you being serious or talking out of your ass?" 

"Out of my ass, of course. The cats are an allegory for pussy. He has struggled with it his whole life, not developing the necessary skills to operate such precise and delicate equipment. So, our hero was into men on the down low. Now, Virgil lived before his time. Like a schoolgirl with a crush, Dante read his work, fantasizing about meeting him and being gay together. He secretly wished for the Roman poet to be black, hence the dark wood that came inside him, making him lose the straight way. Virgil is his guide into the gay throughout the book." 

"*Slow clap* How eloquent. You have a basic view of men and masculinity. Don’t you know about the troubadours?" 

"I’ve heard things…" 

"Some vary from country to country, but the basic premise was to abstain from sex. They would sing and recite poems, all to romance women, and then leave without even a kiss. They were desired men, even though they dealt with more artistic aspects of society." 

"I see. So if I had a girlfriend -" 

"Theoretically." 

"Hey, I said if. If I had a girlfriend and lived in the late medieval period, I could hire one of those guys to sing to her from a bush, get her all hot and bothered, and then pluck her rose with my penis all night long?" 

"Yeah, kinda. The thought of sex was more pleasurable than the sexual act itself." 

"Lol, for who?" 

"Forget it. Let's sum up our story." 

"Video-game Dante is a much better version than the one in Alighieri’s book because he doesn’t let outside forces chip away at his will as he ventures through literal hell to kill evil itself just to take back what was once in his possession. I don’t know how many girls were hot for book-Dante with his passive attitude towards danger, pain, and suffering, but if I were a pretty princess, it would take a dozen troubadours to sing until the crack of dawn for me to get wet. And even after all that, I would still prefer a dead Virgil’s dark wood over book-Dante. He would probably hide in the closet, creeping."