Day after day

Day after day

It’s the first of July. Finally, the end of the schoolyear. I got my undergraduates degree and can finally start looking for a job. Uni seemed to take forever. It got really depressing to me. Online group work again and again, exam after exam and stress after stress. I sure won’t miss it. Even though I don’t have any plans for summer, some rest will be nice, and I can finally start dieting and working out again, taking care of myself. I hope I get to my goal weight before I find a job.

It’s the fourth of July. I went out for a walk today, decided not to eat since I had a lot of fries yesterday, to celebrate my newfound freedom. I’m sorry body. But skipping some meals today will fix that right up. I also got out my first couple of application letters to some very interesting companies. I hope to work as a marketing manager one day for a big brewery company. I’ll have to start smaller though, so I sent letters to an abundance of small companies, but also a very heartfelt one to the brewery I want to work at. I hope to hear from them soon.

It’s the seventh of July. I’m really noticing I’m not seeing a lot of people lately; nobody is texting me unless I text them first. I would have a walk with a friend, but she cancelled on me last second. I’m angry about that, I was really looking forward to finally meeting up with someone again. I won’t ask her to hang out anytime soon anymore. I have other friends. I’ve been texting them, but most are too busy. That’s alright, I can have fun by myself. Besides, I have been losing weight fast, which I’m really excited about. I’m eating too little and I know it. But I’ll eat healthier again once I reach my goal weight. I’ll be fine. I do need to go out everyday for a walk, however. I’m spending most of my days inside with my curtains closed because the sun shines way too bright on my windows. I’m feeling quite guilty for being inside this much with this beautiful weather. But I’m having fun with my games and my series.

It’s the tenth of July. None of the companies I wrote wanted to talk to me or hire me. None. Not even the smallest one. I’m now writing even smaller companies, not even to be a marketeer but maybe just as a receptionist, or just an employee in the store. I’m running out of money and bills have seemingly suddenly been piling up. I mean, I guess I’ve always had trouble paying bills but now they seem more pressing. I’m feeling stressed out, as if I don’t have vacation at all. I just want to stay in bed today and hope tomorrow is better.

It’s the twentieth of July. I’m feeling kind of miserable. I’ve finally had the opportunity to meet a friend, but that was about it. And it wasn’t even that much fun, I just wanted to go back to bed. I still have no job and I’m tired all the time. We ate together and now I feel disgusting because it was a lot. Once we had ordered pizza I just couldn’t stop eating. I’m disgusting. I barely go out for walks anymore, it’s too warm outside anyway. And it gets kind of boring, everyday the same route. I’ll be just fine inside.

It’s the thirtieth of July. I’m just sick and tired of everything. My friends never call to see how I’m doing. But that’s fine. I don’t want them to anyway. They’re too busy with their jobs and their boyfriends to care about how I’m doing. I don’t need friends like that. I’ll find new ones when I finally get a job. Which is impossible apparently, or so it seems. I need to pay my bills. Half of the companies won’t hire me because I’m too highly educated for their work and I will be too expensive, and the other half won’t hire me because I’m not educated enough. They want me to have a graduate as well and years of experience. How do they expect anyone to ever get anywhere? This way I won’t have to starve myself to get skinny, I’ll have to starve myself just to save money. I’m so done with this world and everyone on it. I’m staying in bed, again. What else can I do anyway? I’ve been watching all cooking shows and I’ve already played all my games, but maybe I’ll like baking shows as well, or maybe I can find some free games.

Today is the… fifth of august, I’m sure it is. Yes, it said so on my phone. Not like it matters. Every day is the same. I’ve got nothing else to write down. A friend texted me to hang out, but I don’t want to. It’s too little too late, they didn’t care then, why would they care now? They probably only texted me out of pity anyway. I’m probably pathetic in their eyes.

I don’t know the date. I don’t want to know. I thought life would get better after Uni, but it didn’t. I tried to get into a graduate program yesterday, but it is too late to apply for any graduate programs. So back to finding a company that wants me, I guess. As if any would want me. And as if I would want any job that I haven’t written yet. I don’t want to work in some small company for free as a hostess. I’m sick and tired of it all. I’d rather avoid having to go out for work for a little while anyway, I’m too tired to work.

I wonder what day it is. I noticed I finally got at my goal weight, I was going to celebrate by binging on cake and pizza, but that would undo all my hard work, so I’d rather stay safe in bed. I kind of start to like watching baking shows and feel hungry. It makes me feel skinny, it makes me think of food all day. All the beautiful cakes I will one day bake, as soon as I’m skinny enough. As soon as everything is alright again, I will bake the greatest cake. That thought keeps me going, no thoughts of bills and work and friends, just that great cake I will one day taste again.

I don’t know for how long I’ve been waiting, but I don’t think I’ll ever allow myself to bake this cake I saw on television. I don’t think I’ll ever dare to get a job, I’m afraid of the stress. I don’t dare to open my mail and see how many bills are overdue. I’m scared. I will never get anywhere. Nobody has been missing me. What’s happening? Why don’t I want to eat anything and why don’t I want to see people? Why can I only watch stupid shows and play stupid games? Where am I going with my life?

Today is the twenty-fourth of November. Today is the day the pain will end. My body hurts. My mind hurts. I watched all series and played all games. I did everything I wanted to do and everything I could do. I think I’m done. I know it’s done. I’m scared but I don’t have to feel that anymore, not ever again.