A Drop of Sunshine, A Tear of Sadness

Joy.

Cheer, jolliness, delight, enjoyment. So many words to describe one feeling.

Happiness.

Yet none of those describe what I’m feeling now.

I sit in the back of the carriage, feeling lonely and claustrophobic, with the carriage's natural darkness doing nothing to stop it.

Theo, my brother, snuggles close to me for warmth from the winter air - he’s probably terrified too. I hear his small voice echo in the crowded carriage, “Valley, why are we going to Windsglen?”

Windsglen, the capital of the country: the most populated, the place easiest to trade, the only place where the market is. We are going there to make a living.

“We’re going there so you can go to school, and get nice clothes, and so you can get so many toys and friends.” I whisper to him, drawing patterns on his tiny hands.

Theo nodded slowly before drifting off to sleep, while the people around me, also travelling with us to Windsglen, were starting to get excited.

I hear someone yell, “We’re here, we’re here at Windsglen!”

There it is, the city in front of me, dazzling in gold. Everyone has heard stories ever since we were children, about Windsglen, the City of Gold. Especially the Palace, named, “Le Château de Joie.” A man, a king, named it after his wife, Joy.

Every single brick placed on The Château de Joie is made up of a memory of happiness, in its most purest form. A person's soul. A palace of death more than happiness.

The world we live in is built on how wealthy you are. And everyone says that happiness is wealth.  

Royalty took it too seriously.

To be in a world, where everything about it is based on how much happiness you can give others, trade to others.  

I’m interrupted from my thoughts by a security guard, who is urging us to get out of the carriage. I take Theo in my arms and slide out from the cramped space.

“Everybody pays to get in,” I hear the guard’s rough voice yell.

I see fear in everyone’s eyes, afraid of the unpredictably huge amount they have to pay for, but instead, the guard comes around, starting to shake hands with everyone. 

The old man next to me shivers from the cold for a bit, before the guard takes his hand. The air gets warmer around me for a second. I see the old man’s eyes daze off, before focusing again, his face returning to his once cold expression, but showing no major difference. The only thing remaining on his face is the dazed look you have after trading a memory of your happiness. 

I guess they’re taking only a small sum. A small price to pay for a bright future.

The guard steps in front of me, and I struggle to balance Theo on one hand. I clumsily shake his hand, almost slipping on the icy ground, before the guard pulls me upright, his grip on my hand firm.  

For the first time in the carriage ride, I feel warm, but not the kind of warm that is nice; no, the artificial kind. It is a feeling all too familiar, yet leaves an empty sadness in my heart.

I feel the guard take his time, going through my memories, before finding the perfect one to take.

The day Theo started walking. His small legs carrying him through the sand, hot on his bare feet. But his childish laughter still rang through the air, delighted and proud at making a discovery all by himself.

I feel it leaving me, even though I want to hold on to it so tight.

It’s so funny how we tend to hoard our memories, even though we never go back to them, yet never give them up for others. 

Theo stirs in my arms, probably having woken up from the warmth of the memory transaction.

“Are we there yet?” I hear him mumble in his sleep.

I smile, glad to know my only provider of happiness is still with me, and will never leave me.

Never.

~

I walk into the city after finally being allowed to go through the gates, deemed worthy enough to live in the city of gold.

My arm starts to get sore from holding Theo, but I don’t mind, as it usually takes him forever to fall asleep.  

I go to the first lodge I see, and step in. I find an old woman in there, her cheery smile lighting up the building.

“Hello, madam. Can I get a room here?”

She looks at me, her kind eyes revealing a sort of innocent look, while her smile pulls into a frown. “I’m so sorry dear. We don’t have any rooms available.” 

“Oh, it’s okay madam, we’ll just find another room,” I say, reflecting her smile.

“I’m afraid that all of the lodges in the city are filled now dear. With people immigrating here more coming, nobody has any rooms to offer. I’m sorry.” 

I feel Theo wriggling in my arms, and start to adjust so he gets comfortable. “It’s alright. Thank you though.”

Theo finally wakes up, rubbing his eyes and about to fall back into my arms any minute. I hear him mumble, “Valley, where are we?” before falling asleep again.

I see the woman gently stare at him, as though reminded of her own child, then looks back at me. "Your name is Valley? What a nice name."

I chuckle, a certain memory flooding back to me. "Actually, no, my name is Valerie. My brother named me Valley because he can't pronounce it."

"Valla-wee. Is that correct?"

I shake my head, indicating a no. Theo makes a face at me, before using all the willpower a toddler can have to try again.

"Such a sweet boy. It's a pity he has to live in a world like this." The corners of her smile pull down slowly.

I stare at her, trying to decipher what she meant, before I say, "Oh, well. Thank you for your time, madam. Can I get your name?"

"Haven Young. You can call me Haven. And if you have any trouble, Valerie, you can always come to my lodge. I'll always be here."

"Thank you, again."

~

I sit on a bench next to the street. 

The lighting is dim, I can barely see the things I'm holding in my hands even if I'm sitting under the lamppost. The air around me is getting chillier the later it gets. The sun is starting to set.

Yet I have nowhere to go, nothing for Theo to eat.

Even with Haven's words, I still try my luck at trying to find a lodge, even if I try to pay a higher price.

But nothing works.

Theo wakes up some time in the night, saying he's hungry. I notice him shiver, even though he denies it.

"I'm a big boy. I can handle the cold, Valley."

"You're four, Theo."

"That's a weally big number," He snaps back.

We argue the entire night, making each other laugh, while I try to feed him the bread I got a while ago.

At midnight, the light from the lamppost above us starts to flicker, before completely dying.

I hear a small whimper, before remembering that Theo doesn't like darkness.

I hug him tight, "Shh, it's okay, you have me, remember? You have Valley! Don't be afraid, I'm right here, and I'm going to make sure that nobody can hurt you. Okay?"

He stays silent for a few minutes, before whispering, "Valley, I'm cold."

My heart pangs in my chest, before I kiss his forehead, and try to remember a memory to burn for him.

That one day back home, while I was trying to sell flowers, Theo was with me, trying to convince all the villagers to buy them.

"Here mister, you can have these- what are they called again Valley?"

"They're chrysanthemums, Theo."

I hear him butcher the name, while the farmer looks at him with adoring eyes.

"I'll take three of them, just for you, Theo." I hear him say. The farmer shakes my hand and takes the flowers, with a small smile on his face.

My head starts to hurt, indicating that I'm burning my memory. I start to slightly glow and warm up, and Theo hugs me.

"You're magical, Valley." He says in his sleep.

I smile at him. I would do anything for this boy. Even if it means finding a house for us to live in right now.

As long as it's for Theo, it's okay.

~

“A house in Windsglen costs a lot, you know?”

“I’m aware,” I snap back.

“And what are you willing to trade for it?” The man leans against a wooden pillar behind him, smirking at me. He puts his hands in his pockets and stares at me coolly.

“Whatever you think is sufficient.”

He watches me for a few seconds, before reaching to shake my hand. I hesitate for a second, before moving.  

We look at each other, his eyes searching mine, wanting to find the best memory to take from me.

The day Theo was born, my mother handed him to me, before pulling me close. “Remember Valerie, your brother is your first priority. Nothing comes before him.”

She pulls me away and stares at me, a soft smile dancing on her lips.

“You’re so beautiful Valerie,” she whispers. “Take care of him for me.”

The moment leaves my brain, and I see the man before me satisfied, happy to take a big memory, one so important, so rare, a moment bittersweet. The moment my brother entered my life, and my mother left the world.

A moment that my entire life revolved around.

I fall to the floor, my head hurting too much to even open my eyes.  

Everything hurts.

But as long as it’s for Theo, it’s okay.

~

I open the door and walk into the tiny house, Theo holding my hand lightly.  

“Woah, it’s so pretty…” He exclaims, tugging his hand away from my grasp. My mind starts hurting at the little action. I guess the bigger the memory transaction is, the more it hurts.

He runs to the window, trying to reach the glass to look outside. I stare at him struggling, and giggle to myself.  

“Valley! Help!” He somehow manages to hang onto the window sill, while his legs dangerously dangle beneath him.

I rush over to him, carrying him and try to take him away from the window, but my efforts don’t last long, before he dashes to it again.

I shake my head, and start to explore the small house that I bought for a big price. I try opening a window, before I hear Theo screaming again.

Pain.  

A sharp jab in my head stops me from running to him, and I fall to my knees. A small shriek leaves my mouth.

I hear quick and light footsteps on the floor, but suddenly that’s too much as well. I start silently sobbing, my tears falling onto the wooden floors and making them slippery. 

Small hands hug me from behind, and a comforting weight rests on me.

Theo.

I turn to see his face, also now wet, completely streaked with tears of his own.  

We sat there, crying for who knows how long. Just us, in each other’s arms.  

~

I lay on my bed, sleep trying to take over me, dried up tears streaking my face, and pain all over.

I can’t even remember when it started. Actually, it hurts to even remember.

I know it was when I first came to Windsglen, when I gave my payment, a bribe to get in. And ever since then, all those years ago, every single time I’ve given up a memory, an unexplainable pain enters my head.  

I never tell Theo, though. He thinks that he can save everyone, save me, from anything and anyone, but it’s just not possible.

Theo. Oh my, it was almost four years ago when we first came to Windsglen. And now he’s an eight-year-old boy, thinking that he can conquer the world.

I just wish I could see him actually achieve it. 

With every passing day, I feel the headache and pain grow stronger, stopping me from doing anything. Even doing things as mundane as walking has gotten difficult.  

A few days ago, I almost stopped breathing. Theo was with me, doing his homework on the floor, while I was preparing dinner. It was all fine, before I slipped on something - I can’t remember what it was - and then all I felt was pain, Theo’s screams, and something breaking inside me.

Since then, I’ve stayed in bed, pretending to Theo that I was just sick, and not that I’ve been feeling this for four years.

“I’m home!” I hear his voice ring through the house, and I lift my head up weakly, about to indicate to him that I’m here, before he runs to me and gives me a hug.

“I missed you.” We speak at the same time. 

I hold his hand, not ready to let go of him yet, and take one last look at him, look at him from head to toe, noticing how much he’s grown, ever since he was a baby. Almost like he’s my own child.

“You know, Theo, I’m really proud of you, and I’ll always be proud of you. Okay? Don’t ever forget that,” I say to him, smiling a bittersweet smile at him.

Confused, he says, “Why are you telling me this?” 

I look at him one more time, before giving him everything.

~

A golden glow surrounds Valley, as I feel her give every single one of her memories to me. Everything happy she has, everything that’s hers, she gives it away.

I feel warm, the type of warm that makes me want to fall asleep in her arms, the type that tells me, everything is okay. 

Valley tells me one last time, “I love you, Theo.”

I held onto her hand tighter, not wanting to let go. I squeeze harder and shut my eyes, feeling tears spill out.  

I squeeze it one more, only to feel nothing.

I open my eyes to see the bed in front of me, the sheets cleaned and neat, as though no one’s ever slept on them. I open my fist, nothing in my hand.

“I love you too.”