Waking Up

The alarm buzzed 3 short burst and was quiet. I tried to focus and remember what the man who installed the system had said that meant. The alarm buzzed 3 more times and I began to stretch toward the headboard to find the silent switch. Hell, the system had only been installed a little over a week ago and I could barely remember how to turn it on and off, much less what door or window may be open. All I could be sure of was somewhere in my house, the outside world was creeping in and the cops were on the way. I rolled over and off my bed causing my head to swim. I was still very much drunk, I couldn't party now like I used to and man was my body eager to remind me. I staggered to the dresser and opened my sock drawer. I ran my hand down into the right-hand corner and began to feel around. My index finger touched the cold metal first. I wrapped my hand around the barrel and pulled the gun form its hiding place. 

I remember when I bought the damn thing for her. It was at one of those flea markets she loved to frequent. We were walking around looking for "one of a kind" items to turn our new house into a home. Some fat bib-overalls wearing red neck offered it to me for $100.00 cash. 

"It’s perfect for the little lady to protect herself when you aren't around." He said arching one eyebrow. 

"Buy it honey. I've never owned a gun before. And besides I do get scared when I am home by myself." she said with laughter in her voice

I turned the gun around and griped it by the handle then started out of my bedroom toward the kitchen in the dark. I stayed close to the wall as I creep down the hallway because that’s how the do it on TV, but mostly so I had something to hold me up. As I entered the kitchen I tried to focus on the sliding doors on the other side, but the vertical blinds seem to be in perfect formation, nothing askew.

I heard a noise in the living room and began to sober up quickly. I inched farther into the kitchen still clinging to the wall when I stubbed my foot on the ironing board. I grabbed at the board and iron with my free hand, keeping them from falling over into the floor. My heart was racing and my whole body was shaking, then her voice pierced my entire being. 

"Steve, is that you? Are you home?" 

I ran the hand holding the gun along the kitchen wall searching for the light switch. I took another step forward bumping into the ironing board and flipping the light on at the same time.

"Oh shit!" I pushed the words through clinched teeth.

"What are you doing home? Your car's not here." She stated in her usual accusatory tone.

"I still live here! What are you doing in my house?"

"We...I came by to look for my corkscrew."

"don't tell me he is in my driveway. Here why don't you just take this gun and shoot me now and get it over with?" I said while tossing the gun at her. She screeched like a little girl catching the gun in both hands.

"what are you doing? Someone could get hurt?" 

I placed my empty hand on the iron and stood there, just looking at her. She began to move in slow motion and speak even slower. But I heard her voice laughing inside my head.

"Well, we both got off from the hospital at 3:00 P.M. so we went to our apartment and took a shower together, after which we made love for what seemed like hours. Then we got dressed and went to dinner, and of course I had my appetizer in the car on the way to the restaurant. After dinner we picked up a couple of bottles of wine, but then I remembered leaving my cork screw when I moved out. So we rode by a couple of times, didn't see your car and I still have my key so I came in to get my cork screw so we can drink our wine and screw some more."

I swung the iron toward her face, barely catching her left cheek. The gun fired, in self defense or out of reflex, I'll never really know. I felt the burn cut a line across y right side just above my belt. I heard the sound of metal hitting metal behind me. The bullet hit the refrigerator. I raised the iron above my head and drove it point first straight into her temple. It felt something like striking a hard boiled egg with a knife. Sort of a crack then a squish, maybe too much squish, then stop. She dropped like a bag of rocks. As I stood over her I began to notice she hadn't aged very well. I'm sure I could see wrinkles on her face and it looked like she had gained weight. Her ass was huge, and she had kankels as well.

Awe hell, I was glad she ran off with him. He could have her now and good riddance to them both. He was never that much of a friend anyway. The flash of the blue lights across my wall caught my attention. I followed their dancing trail across the kitchen, into the living room, and out the front window, stopping somewhere at the street.

"Help! Help! I've been shot!" I dropped the iron on her rotting body and ran for the front door to meet the cops. He was standing at the back of his car pleading his case to a very nervous officer. The other policeman was about 3 steps from my porch, gun and flashlight at the ready.

"Oh my God! My ex-wife just tried to kill me. Oh my God, what have I done?"

After court I drove straight home. I sat on the couch and began laughing through my tears as I stared at the spot on the kitchen floor where she had died. Where I had killer her. Was I crying over her death, my killing her, or for getting away with murder? Was I laughing for being the one that was still alive? Because her boyfriend was alone, or at least not with her anymore? Then I decided it didn't really matter and this was a time for a celebration, so I went to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of vodka on the rocks, with 2 olives. I turned the glass up and emptied it in just two gulps, set it back down on the counter and filled it again. This time I added some olive juice. I sat back down on the couch and fell asleep.

The alarm buzzed 3 short burst, and all was quite again. I opened my eyes and there she was. She was lying on her side propped up on one arm facing me wearing nothing but a smile.

"you'd better get up and go home before your wife gets off work at the hospital and beats you home."