Manners maketh the android

Ralph gave a satisfied groan as he flopped onto the bed next to Tracey. ‘Babe, that was amazing,’ he said. 

His lover grabbed hold of his shoulder and sighed, but their moment of bliss was interrupted when Sigmund Freud entered the room. 

‘Miss Branson!’ he said, eyes flashing behind perfectly circular eyeglasses. ‘There is a parking inspector on the street - you may be in danger of receiving a ticket.’

‘Oh,’ Tracey got up and started to dress. ‘Sounds like I better go move it.’ 

‘Nice work keeping tabs on it, Siggie,’ Ralph said, using his nickname for the famous psychoanalyst. 

This wasn’t the real Freud, of course. But if you could ignore the android’s constricted facial movements and robotic gait, you could almost be forgiven for thinking it was. They’d even gotten his mildly German accent right.

Tracey balled her hand into a fist and knocked on Siggie’s balding pate like it was a front door. 

‘This is new, isn’t it?’ She asked Ralph. ‘Why’d you go for this model anyway - I mean, Freud?’

Ralph yawned. ‘My overachieving wife’s choice. She’s a sucker for full beards and the mysteries of the psyche.’ 

Tracey fastened her shoes. ‘Don’t you think there’s a chance she could be using it to spy on us?’

‘Kate might have made some modifications, she is a super-duper programmer after all. But surveillance androids are illegal - I don’t even think it’s possible to set them up for that.’ Ralph stretched and got up from the bed. ‘What model have you got, anyway?’

‘Queen Victoria. Nothing like having your breakfast bagels brought to you by a pint-sized 19th century imperial overlord. I’d better go check on the car.’

Tracey left and Ralph padded, completely naked, into the kitchen. He opened the fridge door, bent over to reach a beer and farted. He chugged most of the can where he stood before expelling half the gas it had held in a loud, satisfying burp.

‘Learn some manners!’

Ralph’s eyebrows hopped. Was that Siggie? Surely not. But the voice was unmistakable. ‘Siggie? Did you say something?’

The android shuffled into the room. ‘I did not. Is everything in order, Mr Dean?’

Ralph’s face twisted. ‘I guess so.’ His ear implant buzzed and a neutral female voice spoke inside his head. ‘Incoming call from Tracey Branson.’ 

He raised his right palm and a hologram of his lover’s face sprang up. ‘Everything alright out there?’

‘There’s no inspector from what I can see. I don’t know what that android of yours was talking about.’ 

Ralph shrugged. ‘Okay then. Want to come back up for a bite to eat? Maybe make our way to the hot tub for a little round two, if you catch my drift?’

‘I think I’ll just head home.’

‘Your call. Thanks for a fun afternoon. Let’s do this again soon.’

‘I’d like that. But, Ralph? Let’s get a hotel room next time? Your robot professor was starting to creep me out.’

Tracey blew him a kiss and the hologram disappeared just as his ear implant buzzed again. ‘Incoming call from Kate Dean.’

‘Sweetheart!’ Ralph forced a wide grin as a hologram of his wife floated up above his palm. 

‘How is my hardworking house husband?’ She beamed back. ‘Everything fine at the ranch?’

‘A-okay here. I fixed the leak in the roof and was just getting into the ironing.’

‘My hero,’ she said. ‘But you don’t have to do everything, remember. That’s why we got Siggie.’

‘I know, but I just wanted to show how much I love our life together.’

‘That’s so sweet. Don’t forget, you still have to pick up my dress and your suit from the dry cleaners before the big reception this weekend. Love you!’ 

 Kate’s face vanished and Ralph exhaled. He loved his wife, but wasn’t he entitled to a private life? Plus, he reasoned, all guys cheat. Freud himself probably kept a small harem.

Ralph didn’t notice Siggie shuffling up behind him, and in a flash the android had grabbed the beer can from his hand and crushed it flat.

‘Hey Siggie, what gives?’ he protested.

‘Mr Dean, it is too early to be consuming alcohol. I do not think Mrs Dean would approve if you were drunk when she got home.’

Ralph could barely contain his shock. It was completely against an android’s programming to question a human that way. 

He shrugged it off. ‘Whatever. But I think there’s something wrong with you. As soon as I get back I’m going to wipe and restore your hard drive, you hear? Now would you, please, start the shower program?’

Siggie nodded assent as Ralph went to the bathroom and got into the shower module, its glass door hissing shut behind him. 

A second later he was immersed in warm soapy, water and he cast his mind back to Tracey. 

She was a wildcat in the bedroom and he was already anticipating their next encounter. But what if Kate found out? It was risky, but worth it. He got so bored hanging about at home all day with just a dead shrink for company. 

He could get a job of his own, but what would be the point when Kate made more than enough money for both of them anyway?

The water started to heat up, slowly at first but then to the point it was almost burning Ralph’s skin. ‘Hey!’ He called out to the android. ‘Turn the heat back down.’

Ralph felt his body go red as the temperature kept rising. He had to get out, now, before he turned into boiled beef. He tried the door and realised, to his horror, that it was stuck.

‘Damn. Siggie, shut down the shower now!’ Ralph banged the door handle back and forth as the jets of water seared his skin. 

When it finally hissed open he burst through and collapsed onto the bathroom tiles. 

Panting hard and suddenly freezing cold, Ralph looked up to see the android standing over him. 

‘Pleasant shower, Mr Dean?’

Ralph was furious. ‘If you had a single functioning microchip left in that silicone head of yours, you’d know it certainly was not! Why did you let the water get so hot? What in God’s name has gotten into you?’

The android stared blankly down. ‘I am operating within normal parameters.’

‘Y’know, I’m starting to doubt that.’ Ralph picked himself up and started to get towel off. ‘I’m going to restore your hard drive now, just to be on the safe side.’

Ralph tapped the bottom of Freud’s chin. Siggie’s eyes glazed over and his head fell forward. He opened the panel on the back of the android’s neck, keyed in his user code and necessary commands for a reset. 

A green light came on after a couple of minutes and Ralph closed the panel and tapped Siggie’s chin again. Th android powered up and sprang to life.

‘System restore complete,’ Siggie said. ‘It is nice to meet you, Mr?’

‘Dean. I am your primary user.’

‘Very good, Mr Dean. How may I be of service?’

‘Can you tell me what I did yesterday.’

Siggie looked blank. ‘I have no recollection of that, Mr Dean. Although my service records indicate I was first activated a week ago my memory circuits were wiped clean during a reset at 1.26pm today.’

‘But you can still remember how to drive a car, right?’

‘That is correct. My operational programming remains intact.’

‘Great. Then you can drive me to the mall to pick up some clothes.’

Siggie drove Ralph’s old Volvo in the same cautious manner he had before the reset, putting safety first. 

About halfway into the journey Ralph’s ear buzzed with the message that Tracey was calling and he held up his palm to greet her hologram.

‘Hey babe,’ Ralph said, surprised. ‘I know you can’t get enough of me, but I didn’t expect another booty call so soon.’

‘Ha-ha,’ she said. ‘I was thinking next Tuesday, if you can get away for a few hours? My sister just asked me to house-sit her condo - we’d have it all to ourselves.’

Ralph grinned. Despite Siggie’s odd behaviour earlier and a few angry shower burns, this wasn’t turning out to be such a bad day after all. ‘Sounds perfect, see you then.’

When they got onto the highway, Siggie seemed to trade safety for speed. The Volvo hit 60 miles per hour, then 70. The car began weaving in and out of traffic, cutting off other drivers and prompting a few horn blasts.

‘Hey, what’s going on?’ Ralph was panicking. First the shower and now this? Even though he’d reset Siggie it seemed like the android was intent on putting its owner in mortal danger today. Was this down to faulty manufacturing of mammoth proportions? He reminded himself to check if he had kept the sales slip.  

‘Slow down.’ Ralph yelled as the speedometer shot past 90. ‘You’re going to kill us both!’

Ralph couldn’t believe his ears when he heard the android’s reply.

‘You should not be cheating,’ Siggie said.

‘What!? What business is it of yours? You’re an android. My android! You aren’t programmed to question my decisions.’

‘A successful primary relationship is the key to a happy life. Your marriage to Kate Dean is your primary relationship.’ 

‘Surely that’s up to me to decide. I thought I wiped you memory anyway.’

‘It did not work. You should have tried turning me off and on again.’

‘Oh.’

‘Mr Dean, it is becoming clear to me that you will not commit to ending your illicit affair with Miss Branson.’

‘So?’ Ralph was getting really nervous now.

‘You have left me with only one option. I must wipe your memory.’

A huge semi loomed ahead and they were prevented from changing lanes by the amount of traffic all around.

The android kept speeding up as the Volvo edged ever closer the back of the trailer - now looking bigger than ever.

Ralph felt like the captain of the Titanic, but instead of giving his iceberg a side-on brush he was headed straight for its bare metal ass.

This is it, he thought. What a way to go out - driven into oblivion by a deranged lookalike of the world’s most famous cigar-chomping Austrian thinker-dudes. 

Ralph checked his seatbelt was tightened fast and braced himself, arms crossed over his face. 

But a split second before the impact he had a brain-wave he thought just might save his life. He pressed the button holding Siggie’s seatbelt in place and grabbed hold of the steering wheel, forcing the car to swerve into the next lane. 

A pick-up truck smashed into the Volvo’s rear, pushing it into the back of a school bus. Siggie, unsecured, shot forward through the windshield and onto the tarmac. Another car rammed into the side of the Volvo and Ralph knew no more.

            **************************************************

Two days later, Ralph was in the kitchen, making scrambled eggs, when in came Kate in wearing a smart suit, ready for a day at the office. 

 ‘Sweetheart.’ He greeted her with a smile. ‘I’m just making breakfast, pull up a stool.’

 ‘That’s so sweet,’ Kate said. ‘But you shouldn’t do so much, not so soon after your accident. Plus we have Vicki to help with the chores now.’

‘It’s no problem, you know how much I like to cook for you. But you’re right, I’m still amazed I wasn’t injured in that crash. Volvo sure made their cars safe back in the day - if you’re wearing a seatbelt, that is.’

‘Yeah, poor Siggie. He didn’t stand a chance after he was run over by that cement truck.’

‘And the delivery van, and the motorcycle, and the tank.’ Ralph paused for the briefest moment of contemplation. ‘Forget about it, there was something badly wrong with him anyway. In fact if he were human, he should have gone to see a shrink himself!’

A short, plump figure with a regal nose and long hair tied into tight braid shuffled into the kitchen.

‘Good morning, your majesty,’ Ralph said with a mock bow.

‘Hello, Mr Dean,’ the android replied.

‘We were just speaking about Siggie,’ Kate said. ‘And how we have such a wonderful replacement for him now.’

‘You are most kind,’ came the android’s reply in a highborn English accent.

Kate looked at her husband. ‘Why’d you pick a Queen Victoria model anyway?’  

‘I heard they were good,’ Ralph said. ‘And Vicki seems perfect. But you haven’t made any extra modifications to this one, have you? I wouldn’t want to end up in another car crash.’

‘Of course not, darling.’ She kissed him goodbye. ‘I better head off to work, have a great day now.’

Kate walked out the door and Ralph reached into the fridge for some ketchup to go on his eggs. He farted.

Vicky the android called out from behind. ‘Learn some manners!’

Ralph jumped.