Asian Pears

“Would you be interested in going back in time?” asked Dr Lee.

That caught Mary’s attention. She snapped her gaze away from the window and, though she knew how impossible it would be, she eagerly responded, “What do you mean? How?”

“Through your memories, of course,“ clarified Dr. Lee.

Mary's brow furrowed. She crossed her arms, and leaned back into the sofa.  

“Pffft, Dr. Lee, you’ve been my therapist for months now. You know how badly I wish I could go back in time. Please don’t taunt me like that.”

“I’m sorry, that was never my intention. Let me explain.” Dr. Lee gave her a gentle smile and put down the pad and pen she was holding. Sitting across from Mary, she leaned forward.

Mary instinctively leaned in as well, as though she were on the verge of hearing the secret cure to her growing anxieties—from work to her nonexistent dating life—and increasing resentment toward her parents, who, with the best intentions, had instilled in her the nagging feeling that she was never good enough. 

“I’d like to try something different and get your thoughts on it. It's a new modified form of therapy called Hypno-NeuroGuiding,” explained Dr. Lee. 

“That sounds like something out of an ominous science fiction movie,” said Mary, her voice filled with hesitation.

Dr. Lee went on to explain

“Hypno-NeuroGuiding combines traditional hypnosis with a new form of interactive technology. You'll be connected to equipment that can project your memories onto a screen while under hypnosis. And since we can record the screen, we’re even able to go back and re-examine your session as needed.”

Dr. Lee paused, noticing Mary's expression shift from curiosity to suspicion.

“That could get embarrassing,” Mary commented with a hint of humour.

Dr. Lee chuckled. Mary always appreciated how Dr. Lee could be serious while maintaining a sense of humor—like an older, wiser sister—especially when things started to feel overwhelming. 

Dr. Lee continued.

“Mary, as a first-generation Chinese American, like yourself, I understand the cultural nuances of the traditional family dynamics—the good and the bad—and the complexities they bring to the modern day filial relationship. 

With this form of therapy, you’ll be able to revisit how it’s affected you. And, it will let me actively guide you—with some assistance from a hypnotherapist—to objectively examine your discoveries with cultural context, real-time.”

“And here I thought I was making progress,” Mary joked.

Dr Lee, further explained warmly.

“Mary, mentally, you understand why your anxiety exists. It's clear that the source of it stems from the high expectations your parents placed on you at a young age, which ultimately shaped your adult relationship with them and how you approach life. That understanding is a huge leap from when you first came to see me. 

Physically, though, your body is still struggling to catch up. This is the reason that you become triggered so easily—your body reacts faster than your mind. Thus, the uncontrollable anxiety.”

“So how will this… hypnosis help me physically?” Mary replied. 

Dr Lee clarified.

“...hypnosis and technology. Basically, it'll allow you to relive—mentally and physically—adolescent Mary moments from the perspective of adult Mary. The goal is to help you further explore and fully confront the moment you stopped believing in yourself or, as you feel, the moment your parents stopped believing in you. Ultimately, I want to see you regain your trust in yourself.”

Mary's expression relaxed slightly. “Can you tell me again how exactly that works?” she asked.

Dr. Lee explained.

“With hypnosis, you’ll be placed in a deeply relaxed, hyper-focused state which will allow you to access deeper parts of the subconscious mind where your memories reside.

During that process, you would be connected to a machine that channels the electronic waves from the brain while in a hypnotic state. These waves are then transmitted through a cerebral translator. What you perceive is then displayed on a screen.

The electrodes will also monitor your heart rate and other physical reactions which will provide additional real-time insight into the body’s responses. So, it’ll be completely safe.” 

There was a moment of silence. It was clear that Mary was processing the information as quickly as possible. She slowly got up and walked to the window and looked out into the distance.

“Mary, it's your decision. Keep in mind that it's simply an option,” Dr Lee added. 

“I’ll do it,” Mary said, without hesitation. 

She held a wistful gaze out the window, watching a little girl, maybe five, skipping happily beside her parents on the way to their car. She didn’t need hypnosis or the machine to help her remember how happy and carefree she used to be, how wonderful and fun her parents had been, or how easy life once felt because she was perfect to them—that felt like a very, very long time ago. She turned around and sighed. 

Mary elaborated.

“I just can’t continue down this road, it’s affecting everything I do. So, if being able to overcome my anxieties and self doubt means I have to confront everything challenging about my relationship with my parents, I’ll do it.  

“Is that the only reason?” Dr Lee inquired thoughtfully.

“My relationship with my parents have changed so much. It makes me sad to think how I used to want to be with them all the time and make them happy—just because I could. But now, apparently, I’m incapable. 

I dread interactions. I’m either frustrated, defensive, insecure, angry—or all of the above. And it doesn’t seem to matter that they mean well, because they expect all these things from me that have nothing to do with me.”

Mary was overcome with emotion as she fought back tears. She shuddered and turned to Dr. Lee. “When can we start?”

**************************

A week had passed, and Mary was back in Dr. Lee’s office. This time, instead of her usual seat on the sofa, she lay back on a chaise lounge with electrodes applied to her temples, scalp, neck and chest. The cords connected to the vitals monitor and to the large Hypno-NeuroGuiding machine, which had a large screen attached.  

It reminded Mary of the ultrasound machine used on her when she was 7 and her leg was being checked for fractures—her dad held her hand throughout the entire exam because she was so scared. And here she was now, 25, wishing he could once again hold her hand like he did back then. She scoffed at the irony of that thought.

Across the room, Mary could see Dr. Lee talking with the hypnotherapist who would be performing the actual hypnosis. 

“Mary, how do you feel?” Dr. Lee asked as she approached.

“Anxious, of course, but ready,” Mary replied.

Dr. Lee gave a nod to the hypnotherapist, who reassured Mary—in the most soothing voice she’d thought she’d ever heard—that she would soon feel completely relaxed, be completely safe, and remain in control.

**************************

Everything happened so quickly after the hypnotherapist began counting backwards. Then it all felt like a blur, like falling slowly asleep. 

The next thing Mary knew, she felt very calm and light, as though she were floating inside clouds. The world around her had grown quiet except for the rhythmic sound of her breathing. She never felt as relaxed as she did then. 

Soon, the sound of her breathing began to stretch out, becoming soft like a gentle breeze or whispers.  

“Mary… it’s Dr. Lee. Can you hear me?” the voice whispered.

“I can,” Mary responded softly.

Dr. Lee continued.

"Remember, you're safe. Anytime you want to stop, you let me know. 

Now, Mary, I want you to allow your mind to take you back in time to your earliest memory of feeling happy while being with your parents. Allow the sounds, images, smells, and feelings come to you naturally, ” Dr. Lee instructed.

Within 30 seconds, behind her closed eyes, Mary was wrapped in glee. She beamed broadly. The screen beside her began to display an image of a cute toddler—2 year old Mary—being hugged and kissed by her father, then lovingly fed a small piece of Asian pear by her mother. 

Seeing the scene on the screen, Dr Lee took notes and asked, “Mary, what specifically makes you happy in this moment?”

“My mom and dad want me to smile and laugh, and that makes them smile and laugh. That’s all they want from me, “ Mary replied, in a gentle monotone voice. 

“How do you know that it’s all they want from you?” Dr. Lee asked.

“Because the more I laugh and smile, the more they keep hugging, kissing, and feeding me fruit. And that makes them laugh and smile too.”

Dr. Lee gave a thoughtful nod. “I see…, what made you happy made them happy.”  

After a brief pause, she continued to guide Mary gently forward to her next memory.

“Mary, now I’d like you to shift ahead a few years to the last time you felt that kind of happiness with your parents. Allow yourself to go forward freely in time.”

The previous image dissolved and the screen now displayed an image of an adolescent Mary—with her mother, father, and younger brothers. The family was enjoying the day at a pick-your-own asian fruit farm surrounded by rows of large trees of asian pear, persimmons, and loquats. 

It was a sunny but cool summer day. Mary was perched on her father’s shoulders reaching for a large asian pear from one of the shorter trees. Her mother stood beside her younger brothers, who were squabbling over who would get to eat the next pick. Mary reached the pear and everyone cheered. Her father jumped and bounced Mary up and down, while her mother called out with her camera phone in hand, “Stay still! Don’t stop smiling!”

Adolescent Mary began giggling again—her smile wider than before— repeatedly whispering in wonderment, “this is so amazing.”

Watching the screen, Dr. Lee turned to look at Mary and asked, “Mary, you seem so happy. Can you tell me why you’re at a fruit farm?”

“I’m sooo happy! Today’s my 11th birthday! Mom said we should do something that I liked. Dad agreed that since my favorite fruit is Asian pear, we could go to a farm so I could pick as many as I wanted!” Mary explained, energetically.

“Mary, what was the best thing about that day?” asked Dr. Lee.

“My mom and dad let me do something I wanted, and every pear I picked was perfect, “ Mary answered.

“How do you know that they were perfect? Did someone tell you?” inquired Dr. Lee.

“No one had to tell me. They were perfect because I thought so. Because I liked them—the big brown ones, not yellow,” explained Mary. 

Dr. Lee smiled quietly to herself and wrote a few notes on her pad. After a short lull, she continued.

“Mary, when you’re ready, let’s skip ahead in your memory. Allow your mind to flow to the first time you felt unseen or unimportant to your parents.”

Mary shifted slightly in her seat as the previously displayed memory changed to images of her parents, and her younger brothers at a junior high school assembly. A teenage Mary confidently walked across the stage to receive her top student award. She remembered feeling very proud and happy, even more so when she saw her family in the audience. 

Dr. Lee remarked to herself how self-assured teenage Mary seemed, glancing over to find a rarely seen spark in adult Mary’s expression.

Turning back to the screen, Dr. Lee could see teenage Mary trying to catch her father’s eye in the crowd. Her father was busy restraining her youngest brother, whose unexpected outburst was a mix of cheering and tantrum. Meanwhile, she glanced over to her mother, who was gesturing for her to stand up straight. Mary’s proud smile softened to a smaller, reserved smile, 

After the ceremony, Mary made her way over to join her family. She found her father talking with one of her teachers.

“Mary’s just a really wonderful girl. I can see how hard she works,” Mrs. said, turning toward Mary with a smile.

Mary smiled back, pleased with the compliment, but before she could say thank you, her father replied, “Oh, that’s nice of you to say, but Mary still has a lot to improve. She can always work harder.” 

Teenage Mary felt her heart sink. She had expected praise, not an assessment from her father. 

Dr. Lee noticed that adult Mary’s blood pressure rose slightly on the vitals monitor—reflective of the tense emotions she was experiencing.

Dr. Lee gently asked, “Mary, what are you feeling now? 

“Confused…, and embarrassed. I accomplished something and my dad put me down, and all my mom cared about was my posture,” Mary responded with a soft, wounded voice.

“Mary, remember, you're safe. I want you to let these feelings drift off of you as your body relaxes. Let this memory continue to flow,” Dr. Lee encouraged. 

On the screen now, Dr Lee could see teenage Mary in the car with her family after the event. 

“Mom and dad, can we celebrate at the pizza place?” Mary asked eagerly.

“No, no, I'm going to cook at home today,” Mary's mother replied. 

Disappointment grew on Mary's face, and Dr Lee could see on the screen that teenage Mary was holding back tears. 

“Mary, how did you feel about not going out to dinner?” Dr. Lee calmly asked a visibly tense adult Mary.

“I felt like my accomplishment wasn’t special enough ... that I wasn’t special enough. That it would just be another ordinary dinner at home,” Mary explained with a hint of sadness.

The vital monitor showed Mary’s heart rate increase.

“Mary, remember, you have control. You have the ability to return to calm at any moment,” Dr Lee said soothingly.

Mary's memory shifted forward to the evening and her mother was still in the kitchen cooking. Mary was relegated to setting the table.

During that time, Dr. Lee noticed on the screen that Mary’s mother had prepared a 10 course meal with many dishes of expensive meats and seafood, as well as celebratory dishes typically found at Chinese banquets. 

“Mary, when you feel calm and ready, I’d like you to take a moment to focus on this scene,” Dr Lee’s voice trailed as she watched Mary’s heart rate come down to normal.

“Mary, can you tell me why you think your mother wanted to cook dinner instead of going out?” Dr. Lee asked in a measured tone, encouraging Mary to interpret the memory through adult eyes.

Mary looked at the gold rimmed plates and bowls and remembered how much of a hassle it was to set the table—her mother insisted on bringing out the nice dishes and fancy chopsticks which needed to be handled carefully. 

Mary then examined the rest of the table and some of the hot dishes—Peiking duck, Cantonese-style lobster, whole Chilean sea bass, prime steaks, bird’s nest, longevity noodles—which she now realized were the kinds of foods that were normally reserved for special occasions.

Dr. Lee looked over and noticed a tear roll down adult Mary’s cheek. She felt sincere compassion for Mary as she reached for a tissue to gently dab at her face.

“I think she wanted to cook dinner at home so that she could make a special dinner for us to celebrate,” Mary responded reflectively, as if she just found a lost piece to a puzzle.

“And, try to focus—what was your father doing while your mother was cooking?” asked Dr. Lee, noticing something important on the screen.

Mary searched her memory, looking around and finally seeing him outside the window. 

“He’s just come back from the store and unloading the car. He’s carrying a flat box of… ,” Mary’s voice grew quiet.

“Mary, can you tell what’s in the box?” asked Dr. Lee.

“...a box of Asian pears… ?” Mary’s voice had a mix of surprise and confusion.

“Why do you think he bought them?” Dr. Lee's voice softened.

“... because they’re my favorite,” Mary whispered tenderly.

**************************

“Mary, I'm going to count backwards and when I reach the number 1 and snap my fingers, you're going to open your eyes and feel rested,” the hypnotherapist explained soothingly. 

Mary slowly opened her eyes and looked around the room. Dr. Lee sat beside her smiling.

“How do you feel?” Dr. Lee asked Mary

“I think I have a lot of re-thinking to do. Mainly, how I need to own the fact that I’m a grown adult and start looking at my experiences as an adult. Maybe… ,” Mary’s voice trailed off, ruminating in her thoughts.

“It’s OK., we have everything recorded. We can take our time to go over everything thoroughly,” Dr. Lee reassured her.

Mary nodded and smiled back.

“Mary, you did well. You know, in our culture—and in many others—family is prioritized. Each member's well-being is a collective effort which often becomes a big part of your identity and an expectation. That can be a lot of pressure when we’re young and even more so as a grown, independent adult. 

It’s not easy for parents to let go of their expectations. And understand, no matter how old you are, you’ll always be their child,” Dr. Lee said gently as she reached for Mary’s hand.

Mary got up and gave Dr. Lee a hug. “I better get going,” she said with a wink, “I need to pick up some Asian pears for my parents!”