Following Me!

The eerie, moist, ancient-looking cave may hope to scare me even more with its intimidating, voluminous stalactites hanging torturously from its gaping mouth. Like someone forced them there as punishment for something hideous done or just because it was perceived as guilty for a nonexistent crime. So, water slid down, each echoing drop reminding the stalactite of this hellish inescapability.

I shivered. I wanted someone, especially close, right with me. I went to this cave many times as a child to study the stalactites for Science class, but I was the studier, the student going to actually learn instead of ignore the science teacher’s lesson by running away into the cave for a so-called adventure. I wanted to do just that with Mystery. Wish she’d show up like she always does, surprising me with her startling ways of popping in my life. When I least expect it. But, I jerked my shoulders up and down, she’d be there for me. So I didn’t pull my hands out of their crammed positions inside my small, navy jean pockets. Besides, tomorrow is Sunday. She’ll make me jump a few inches off the floor at church like for the past fourteen years. It’s not like I’m nobody anymore.

 “It doesn’t count if you’re already planning your defeat.”

I jumped. Mystery?  

I twisted around, but no shock of white hair or ripped jeans blowing in the night wind took my hands out of my pockets and wrapped them around a skinny waist. I looked back and noticed a glint of light in a triangular sliver of glass large enough to see myself. I took a distracted step, but the reflection just turned towards me, its scowling, piercing dark eyes bored into mine. A cold, villainous shiver reverberated my body. I, wary, clenched my teeth, but just before.

“What?” The words came forth before I could restrain myself.

“I said, ‘It doesn’t count if you’re already planning your defeat.’”

A sickly kind smile spread up on her gaunt face. I crouched down to retrieve a large rock, studying my reflection warily. Her body displayed some webby cloth material that could’ve been a Halloween costume if I didn’t catch the extremely thin layers of silk connecting each strand. Just knowing that elegant dress was made of spider webs caused me to start taking slow, deep breaths and relax, helping myself not to cower or scurry away in fear. I checked myself, my legs blue jeans, chest and arms a red polo sweater with an orange streak across it. I had a belt on. I crinkled my face at her. Who could this person with the jet-black, pin-straight hair, dark eyes and gentle tone of voice be other than me?

“You.”  

I gawked and then straightened, recovering myself. “Huh?”

“Oh…” I—or she—snorted and shook her skeletal, very white head. “You. I’m you. How blind could you be?”

“But I’m—”

“Don’t be literal. I’m not really you. I’m you but not.” She turned on an ankle, her eyes and mouth a snakelike expression. Stoic, I just questioned her. She snickered.

I folded my arms into myself, pulling my shoulders in as much as possible. My teeth and tongue having glossed over with icy fear, I rocked the balls of my heels but the reflection walked around in circles, her wicked mouth toying on her face. She moved with me, but her dead eyes kept boring into mine. I resisted her intimidation, my lips about to fly open with surly words of realism. I was not a stupid wimp! I could defeat this thing in a second. I looked at the rock, knowing I’d be mocked for this weakness of ensuring I had a weapon. Like I needed a companion to help me along the way as if I could not defeat the villain myself. True, I had nothing save a walking stick and a backpack. But I left those behind after taking a lazy snooze outside the cave. Disinterested now, I tore away, but my reflection person—thing—whatever spoke.    

I slowed, about to whirl and shout at her.

“Yeah. I wouldn’t go back there.”

I stopped, despite myself. I don’t know what was happening, really. It was like I was being… I pinched my face. What?

Her silvery voice continued, and I found myself right before her again. Something cold in my hand turned my head, and I ditched the rock, my hands again parallel to my hips. I looked right at my reflection, listening to every delicious sentence, every thoughtful idea. I considered things and agreed with other truths as she moved that beautiful red mouth.    

What…? I didn’t do that?

I speculated. Maybe…if I had taken the bus this morning to work to finish that paperwork I had gotten halfway done yesterday… Was I really a dumb dumb? Like the freaking lollypop? I handed those out at the doctor’s office when I was an administrative assistant, as well as the candy store during holidays. Sorry I didn’t eat them myself!

I bit my lip. Was I supposed to be sorry? I had never thought about it before. Did I care about the children at the offices? Did they deserve lollypops from me? Was I doing what I was supposed to be doing? All these questions swirled in my mind. I hugged myself, deep in thought.

“…and if you continue, what will you be in the future?”

I returned to reality. The reflection stood way up close to me now. She tapped on the glass with a long-nailed index finger. “I can’t get out. But you can. Of your stupid life. Get real. You can do better than this.”

I blinked. “You think so?”

“I know so.”

I raised my eyebrows amidst an icy-cold shiver shaking me. Then, I sensed a darkening cloud above me—everything I was doing was right. I was okay! I looked at her with her silky spider-web of a dress glistening and her face pulling together and her mouth forming, So… I looked down. Who was right? After all, I was going to quit my administrative assistant job—

“That’s because you don’t have the skills necessary to perform lollypop ideas.”

“Hey!” I pointed out, literally jabbing my index finger at the kind smile. “First, how can you know me so well? Second, is all you said really true? And third, why did you say, ‘It doesn’t count if you’re already planning your defeat’?”

The reflection moved her lips in a way that made me feel I had to wait for her response, like she was thinking.

I thought about my first job—the assistant caring for children with lollypops to prove it. Was I?

“Yeah.” The reflection looked me right in the eye and narrowed them. “It is.”

Maybe I was wasting my time…

“How?”

The reflection chuckled, bending down. The laughter killed any self-assurance. Then I thought. Of course! Handing lollypops to bratty or naughty children (there was a difference there!)—snatchers didn’t deserve candy.

I left that cave crossing my job off my mental resume.

That night, my resume now read May 2020. I wrote my boss a prolific email, saying I would not join everyone at the mandatory meeting Monday night, as I was quitting my loser job.

The boss replied early tomorrow morning. He questioned why I wanted to quit something I had really enjoyed for three years so far. Why I had reasoned out the ways I could instill joy into these kids’ lives. I wrote back that the children were too much for me. Meaning that I was going to benefit the company, not have my boss pay me to care about those who didn’t respond in kind. Especially children.

Not that I hated children. I just didn’t work for them. Which I had been doing ever since I graduated high school. So I sent it and left it at that. Hope she agrees, I shrugged and closed my laptop.

The first job again—

“Something realistic, please.”

That night, I paraphrased my first email.

Dear Mr. Hurt,

I am writing to let you know that I am no longer going to represent your company as the person I have initially desired to work. I believe I am qualified to work as a higher employee, as I desire to contribute to other skills that best fit my needs as a responsible, proactive leader. As such a person, my skills as an administrative assistant at Doctors and Friends Medical Clinic do not meet such skills as I would like to present to the public. Therefore, I am withdrawing my employment from your company.

Thank you. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Mari Anderson

I just munched away on popcorn as I read the response.

I would like to mention that your letter does not really allow me to fully comprehend any initial desire for you to leave our office. I believe that you do not wish to continue working for us anymore, but I cannot complete your request entirely, as I have not received an appropriate request to remove employment from you as a retrospective employee. Now, as I am your hiring manager, I would like to meet with you at 9:00 am on Saturday. Please come to my office then.

Thank you.

Best,

Mr. Hurt

I completely blew the meeting off, even telling him the following Monday I didn’t understand his meeting request. He stared at me for a second and then demanded me to meet with him this evening after work.

“Should you reject this mandatory request, you will be sued.”

I pursed my lips and nodded, head down. I wiped my cold, clammy hands on my black skirt and then heeded his request. However, when I acknowledged I actually didn’t understand his email, Mr. Hurt just shook his head. “You have a strange way of talking with people, Mari.”

Blue eyes met mine, and I swallowed, pressing my lips harder. “If you ever disrespect me like this again, I will permanently remove you from our office and disallow any employee or myself from recommending you to a future employee.” He raised his eyebrows. “Do you understand?”     

I brushed my sweaty hands against my skirt and jerked my nods. Getting caught by the police was something. I didn’t want to live in jail forever, so I apologized.

“Thank you. You may leave.”

That night, I decided to write Mr. Hurt a sincere apology email. Not wanting to come off as someone who had suddenly changed his mind, I just sent it and then closed my laptop, rising from the living room couch to eat dinner. My computer soon dinged, and I opened it. After reading his fiery email, I then responded, stating my permanent withdrawal from employment from his doctor’s office.

After seeing that he now saw me as a total rip-off, I half-crumpled into a sitting position and balled myself up. Thoughts of calling my best friend from middle school slid through my mind, but I didn’t want her exclamations and jarring words jammed down my throat. She’d ditch me and go look for someone trustworthy to share her secrets and personal experiences from now on. I couldn’t break our friendship like that.  

So I decided not to tell her. I just decided to stick the job out.

Months went by. Years came and went at a snail’s pace. I worked, but as Mr. Hurt and I talked about my employment here at the doctor’s office, he had said he noticed a smile—genuine and sincere—cross my face some of the time. However, I told him I was never sorrier about that time way back…

“Mari, if you decide this job is not for you, please speak with me. If not, I will set up a meeting, and we can talk later. Thank you.”    

I wondered at home whether I should continue. Or turn my candy-serving one into fulltime. It was basically the same but way lower on the workforce scale. At least that’s how I looked at the ladder of employment. Anyway, I decided to tell the reflection I didn’t want to quit first job—I was beginning to be real with it. At least for now. Maybe I’ll see about the next couple of years. Maybe the next couple of months.   

“Quit.”

I stood rotted to the spot. Then I crinkled my forehead and squeezed my eyes. I want to move on, but I also want to show our patients we serve them like they came to us. We responded in kind to them. If we reported an issue, it was severe. Other than that, our patients just kept being our patients, and new people chose us.

“If you want to better your life, you should quit.”

Her words knifed into my mental world.

I decided to stick my job out for four more months. Then I cut to the chase.           

“Okay. We’ll miss you.”

I nodded, wondering whether I was going to get that recommendation letter.

Mr. Hurt wrote that I didn’t deserve a recommendation letter.

But I had changed, hadn’t I?

“What is change?”      

I shrugged. “I dunno.”

“Think about it.”

I attempted this trick at the candy store. Everyone shrugged in response or delivered dry laughs. I clinked on Internet links and raised my eyebrows at Now Hiring! ads blowing in the wind as I drove to the doctor’s office. Clenching my jaw and balling my fists after work today, I never reopened my tabs from Monster or Indeed.com. I threw myself into my work at the candy store. When one kid widened a shiny smile at me, I told him to have a great day. His mother nodded, and my shoulders slumped.

At least respond!

Soon, the candy store job became little more than an obligation. I filled bags and cleaned the whole store, but the weeks felt like years as I slogged away, throwing myself into my bed after kicking off my slippers and turning out the light.

Then I fell through.

“We’ll miss you.”

No, you won’t, I pointed out back in the cave.

She cocked her head. “Now what will you do?”

“I—” But she held up a thin, pale index finger.

“You come by me, and we’ll talk.”

“Sure.”

Besides, I wasn’t really much of anyone before. I guess I could get some good advice. From myself.

But she wasn’t myself. Or was she? I shrugged, nonchalant. Whatever. She was someone else, albeit the mirror. We talked.

“I wouldn’t advise going outright and telling your boss to see you turn your back on your job. I—”

“Would what?” I barely waited for her before I just shot forward. “I nearly quit my job with the first one. The second one, we’ll get back to that one. For now, let’s focus on how I…”

My reflection sighed and glanced upwards. “How you? How about everyone else?”

I slid my eyes diagonally downwards. What were they to me? Coworkers and bosses. I didn’t have any friends—we just chatted about abnormal things and laughed on and on about stupid weekends. I hoped to develop a relationship with Steven, the candy machine mechanic. I could invite him to a great movie or something. It’s not like I’ve ever ignored anyone.

“Yeah, I spat at my boss from the doctor’s office, but that…that didn’t really deter me from really shaping my life out to be best I can!”

“But do you really want to live a life in which you turn dark and hypocritically swerve the wrong way—to the point of death by firing?”

I stared, amazed, at my reflection. Whoever this girl was, she knew me. It was like she was me but an inner voice or something personified. Still, I was taken aback as to how well she knew me. I considered her words. Did I want to live this life? Did I want to pursue a future in which I could potentially cause change in my own life so drastic not even Steven could show up for me anymore after I make the first move? Would I chance leaving everything and everyone I’ve ever known? Could I?

I expressed my knowledge of where I’d live, how I’d start over. Where would I go so no one could track me down? Where would I like to go? Running away was a little big for me. If I return, will anyone acknowledge me? I didn't really have the best friends. Except Mystery. But she worked elsewhere.

I slid my cellphone from my back pocket and dialed her number. We talked (once I had exited the cave) and she decided to help me with my dilemma.

“Hey!”

A gleeful voice and snapping, crunching leaves swung me around. We hugged and sat for an hour about my plight.

“Well, you can’t just up and go!” She begged, white eyebrows pinched and sky blue eyes shimmering with concern.

“I just don’t want to deal with hateful children anymore.” I shrugged. I don’t want this kind of life anymore. I want Mystery. I want—

“What do you want?” She pressed, putting a tan ringed finger on my ripped jean knee and leaning forward. “Marriage?”

I jerked my shoulders. “I could.” Maybe Steven could… we could…

“Talk tomorrow.” Mystery shot up and yanked her hot-pink yoga pants up above her waist. “I’d suggest building relationships. You’ll find many kind people willing to celebrate life!”

After squeezing my shoulder, she crunched away, striding through the leaf-strewn grass and hiking to her Honda Civic Accord. The door appeared in my view and then the whole car disappeared.

I revisited the reflection, desiring some real help.

She rambled.

I rolled my eyes.

“Whoever you are, I don’t need some pep talk about who I am.” I threw a finger at her lethally black gown and stomped away. “Thanks, but no thanks!”     

But her syrupy words calmed my anger, fears, confusion and doubts.