Sobombreeya Johansson and Abernathy Carpoole were best friends, and for a while, that was all there was to it. They went to school together, and talked together, and ate, a lot, together. It was as though all the forces, destinies, and fates in the universe had come together to create the perfect pair, and they had come up with Sobombreeya and Abernathy. Except, they didn’t know that yet, so they were just friends. Come now, as we drop in on the friends on a day that means something much more to both of them. Valentine’s Day.
Abernathy, the dear boy, has gotten a few presents for Sobombreeya. In his trembling hands lay a plush teddy bear, a box of chocolates, and one, slightly rumpled, extremely crinkled, flower. It is a saponaria flower, purple and small, pretty and sweet, much like Sobombreeya. Abernathy isn’t really sure if she will like it or not, but he can hope. He peeks in through the classroom window and sees her sitting at her desk. She looks up and waves to him cheerfully, her face nearly splitting with her giant smile. Abernathy thinks she is a star because nothing else can shine that brilliantly. He opens the door and thanks goodness that there is no one else in the room yet. And then he thinks it may be awkward to give Sobombreeya his gifts with no one else there. It would be like… he shakes his head and walks inside.
“Hi!” He waves to her. “Um, I got you some presents here. I didn’t really know what flowers you liked so…” Sobombreeya doesn’t let him finish because she has wrapped in a hug so tight he drops the chocolates and screams in pain. She is a very strong girl, and since she doesn’t usually hug Abernathy, he is a little put off by it.
“Oh, it’s fine. I’m sure whatever you got is beautiful!” She lets go of him and sits back down. “I just love this teddy bear here. He’s adorable! You know, I’m going to call him, um, Bimby!”
“Bimby?” Abernathy is confused. He assumed that she would name the teddy bear something like Abernathy Jr.
“Yes. It’s just a name, right?” Sobombreeya slugs him in the shoulder and grins excitedly. “Let’s get started on this chocolate before anyone else gets here.” And so, get started on that chocolate they did.
“Hey, Abernathy?” It is lunchtime and the two friends are sitting at their usual lunch table. Sobombreeya is slightly miffed at him because he has gobbled all the chocolate he had given her earlier this morning. It was out of nervousness, but how is she supposed to know that? All she knows is that Abernathy is acting really, really strangely and she doesn’t like that one bit.
“Mm hmm?” Abernathy looks up from his meat loaf. “What’s wrong? Are you still mad because I ate all your chocolate? I’m sorry.” He grins sheepishly.
Sobombreeya’s anger dissolves. She can never stay angry at him for long, not with that smile. But, as always, she can’t let Abernathy know that, so she reaches under the table and pulls his shoe off in mock anger. She raises the shoe high above her head and jumps up on the table, laughing. Abernathy, looking rather forlorn without his shoe, stands up and pulls her off the table. She topples and, unfortunately, falls off the table and does NOT land in Abernathy’s arms. How unromantic of him. On the other hand, it is fortunate that falling on the floor does give Sobombreeya the chance to see how fun Abernathy’s sock looks. It’s so fuzzy.
She props herself up on her elbows, unharmed, and taps his foot. “I like your socks.”
“Oh, do you then?” Abernathy, apparently oblivious to the commotion of the lunch room, pops down next to Sobombreeya and takes his shoe back from her. “Maybe I’ll get you some, to replace the chocolate I ate.” He puts the shoe back on his foot. “Would you like that?”
“Yes, I think I would.” Sobombreeya says, and then they both realize that they are lying on the cafeteria room floor together and get up immediately. There is a large spaghetti noodle stuck to the front of Abernathy’s shirt. Without thinking, Sobombreeya pulls the noodle off of him and throws it into the nearest trash can.
“Um, thank you for getting that noodle.” It’s all Abernathy can say without making the situation awkward. Or, at the very least, more awkward than it already is.
“Your welcome.” Sobombreeya says, and then they go back to laughing and playing like nothing the slightest bit odd happened. Needless to say, Valentine’s Day was strange, and that wasn’t entirely bad. Not at all.
Now we will skip forward a lot more, to Abernathy and Sobombreeya’s school spring dance. Abernathy is taking a girl named Delilah O’ Sneakpot, but only because Sobombreeya is going with a boy named Weasel MicHandsy. How that happened, neither of them quite knows, though, they’re sure it was the right thing to do. Because, and you must remember, they don’t know they are soul mates yet.
We come to the home of Delilah O’Sneakpot, where she is getting dressed in a most splendid dress, colored with a hue of mauve so magnificent it is almost hard to comprehend. Her hair is cascading down her slender back in waves of glittery, sparkly, and oh-so-very-gorgeous waves of black. Her face, painted as a doll’s and almost as expensive, smells like a million sunbeams mixed and salted with stars. She is glowing, but her soul is dark. Now, listen, as Abernathy knocks on her treacherous door. The lovely little poppet is dressed to match his date, minus the glittery hair and makeup. He is not quite glowing though, and he is not sure why, because he has the prettiest girl in the whole tri-state area going to the school dance with him. Delilah answers the door and flings her arms around Abernathy’s neck, all the while squealing like a baby pig. Abernathy happens to loathe pigs.
We leave the pig and her boy to come to the place where Sobombreeya is meeting her weasel. He is dressed, and I do hate to admit this, I really, really do, in a manner most charming. In fact, it is so charming, that Sobombreeya almost feels undermined by him. She looks at herself in the mirror and sees herself wearing a very warm red sweater dress and her favorite pair of black and white striped leggings. It is truly a very flattering outfit, but it really doesn’t compare to Weasel’s dashing red velvet suit and long black cape. He looks like he is about to go to a costume party. What is he dressed as? A villain, complete with long black gloves and shiny, hard, cold little weasel eyes. His parents have named him well, for truly, honestly and faithfully I tell you, all this boy is a well dressed weasel, and a handsy one at that. Here he comes now, sweepingly majestic and thoroughly wicked, up the stairs and into the hallway of Sobombreeya. “Knock, knock, and knock, my sweet apple dumpling! Are you dressed quite fully?” Sobombreeya steps away from the window where she has been watching Weasel walk in and pats her hair down.
“Yeah, I am. Just a second.” She slips into her boots and pulls the door open to reveal her date, Weasel MicHandsy, in full glory. “Hi.”
“This is going to be wonderful!” Weasel takes her hands in his own and pats them gently. “You, dear girl, look absolutely divine.” He loops their arms together and they walk down the stairs together. Aw, maybe he isn’t handsy so much as just sweet. But no! Weasel is, however charming he may be, an enemy of Sobombreeya and Abernathy, so he can take his niceties and jump in a hole! Not literally, of course, that would be a shame, but just figuratively enough for him to get far, far away from our girl Sobombreeya.
“Are you excited? I brought you some flowers.” Weasel presents a bouquet of mixed flowers. They smell wonderful, but Sobombreeya finds herself thinking how much better Abernathy’s flower from Valentine’s Day smelled.
“Oh, yeah, they’re great. Thanks, thanks so much for all of this. Um, you look really cool. I mean, nice. You look nice.”
“Nice, huh? Well, I was going for more of a dashing look, but I suppose nice will work for now.” He is just kidding, the loon, but Sobombreeya thinks he is genuinely offended.
“Agh! I’m so sorry! I meant you looked amazing! Marvelous! Stupendous! Dashing! Strapping! Incredible! Wow! How fabulous is this guy, am I right?” Sobombreeya’s voice rises as she goes on.
“Are you okay?” Weasel asks, concerned for the mental health of the girl beside him.
“I’m fine! And you, Weasel MicHandsy, are unbelievable!” Sobombreeya smacks him on the shoulder lightly. “Shall we?”
“We most certainly shall.” So the limousine starts, and the unfitting pair strides off to the dance that they are not supposed to be going to together. Except, they don’t know that. And maybe Weasel isn’t actually evil, but I know of someone who is, and that is Delilah O’Sneakpot.
“So, Abbey, don’t I look Bee-u-tiful!?” Delilah is clutching Abernathy’s arm with her pointy nails and calling him a name most irritating. “Tell me I look bee-u-tiful or I’ll scream!”
“You look gorgeous.” And that was true, Delilah does indeed look gorgeous. She looks like an angel. But luckily, she is the opposite of one. That’s how Abernathy finds himself wishing very much that he had not gone to the dance with the prettiest girl in the tri-state area.
“Abbey,” Delilah whines. “Why did you not bring me flowers? I wanted a giant bouquet of overflowing, majestic, and expensive flowers so I could show off to my friends! Come on, tell me you have something nice to give me. I like presents, Abbey, I like them a lot.”
“Yeah, well, I did bring you something.”
“Mmm hmm.” He produces a giant box of chocolate banana slices, which, coincidentally, Sobombreeya loves very much.
Delilah O’Sneakpot, on the other hand, loathes them. “Wha-tttt? I can’t believe this! These are so gross! Yuck, I’m so mad! Are you trying to trick me or something?”
“No! I thought you would like them.”
“Why did you think that? I’m like, allergic to bananas, stupid!” She smacks him across the head with the box of chocolates and escapes the car, tripping on a tree trunk and… breaking her wrist. Abernathy hears her screaming and leaps out of the car. Except, he isn’t actually that coordinated either, so he smacks into a tree trunk and breaks his nose. Then there’s blood all over the place and it’s really gross and sticky and everything smells like pennies and Abernathy and Delilah are both crying and it’s getting dark really, really fast.
Sobombreeya is finding that Weasel is a very interesting and sweet person, actually, and is being very pleasantly surprised by the way he acts. For one, Weasel’s real name isn’t Weasel, but instead it is in reality Wrundamugerbatbatbatgimotraband. And so why wouldn’t he go by weasel? They’re the national animal in Hammikabimoo, the country he originally comes from and also very respectable and cute. He even had a pet weasel when he lived there. Second of all, he has really good taste in music. Third of all, he has spectacular teeth. Fourth and last of all, Weasel MicHandsy has brought her Sobombreeya a small stuffed weasel. There are only four problems with this. One is that Sobombreeya thinks W is a weird letter. Two is that while his taste in music is really good, it’s the opposite of Sobombreeya’s. Three is that spectacular teeth are overrated, and fourth is that seeing the stuffed weasel reminds Sobombreeya of Bimby, and Bimby reminds her of Abernathy, and she finds herself thinking that as nice and interesting as Weasel is, she would rather be with Abernathy.
Abernathy rolls over and begins to crawl towards Delilah on his knees and elbows. He hopes that she isn’t dead, or worse, angry.
“Delilah? Are you there?” Abernathy inches closer.
“I’m over here. My wrist hurts really badly. I think maybe I broke it.”
“Can you walk?”
“No! Carry me, snookums.”
Abernathy still has blood gursting down his face and clothes, but he did commit to take Delilah on a date and since it was already turning out so horribly, it’s the least he can do for her. He hobbles on over to her in the dark and attempts to pick her up, but accidently steps on her other wrist.
“OUCH! YOU IDIOT!” Delilah is indeed angry. So angry that she forgets all about her broken wrists and begins to smack Abernathy with all the might she has in her. Smack, smack, smack, smack, smack, and… slap, slap, slap. Delilah kicks Abernathy in the head and he crumples to the floor in a bloody pulp mash heap. “THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO BRING ME BANANA CHOCOLATES!” She takes her high heel off and inches it towards his eye. Abernathy howls and tries to move away, but something beats him to it. Something, or should I say someone, is pulling him away from the violent tirade of Delilah. Abernathy turns his bruised head towards his hero, expecting to see a police person or maybe a warthog, and instead finds himself staring at the most beautiful girl in not only the tri-state area, but the whole entire universe. Her name is Sobombreeya Johansson, and she is rocking that red sweater dress.
It has been six and three four months since Sobombreeya saved Abernathy from the clutches of Delilah O’Sneakpot, and now they are officially out of the sticky friend zone and into the more romantic, more exciting, Officially-Together-Zone. It is wonderful in every aspect, and we will drop in on them while they go on their sixth date. It is a very simple one, but none the less Sobombreeya said it would be her ideal date and so there they are. It is taking place in the living room, with a buffet order of everything in forever, and a loud, almost blaring television. Sobombreeya and Abernathy are eating this food and watching this television, all the while knowing that all the fates, destinies, and forces made them a perfect pair.
Weasel is slightly disappointed that Sobombreeya saved Abernathy, because when she did that, she totally ruined the date. He is now standing dramatically at the edge of a cliff, his cape fluttering in the wild wind behind them. It looks very, as Sobombreeya would say, cool. He is pondering the meaning on love, life, and land owners insurance. The waves are crashing into each other below him and the skin is shining above him, but there is something unsettled in Weasel’s heart, and it’s not that burrito he ate for lunch. He prepares for a monologue.
“Ahem, it is I; Wrundamugerbatbatbatgimotraband MicHandsy and I want to know the meaning of love, life, and land owners insurance. Mostly love and life though.” He is answered by the roar of water below him and keeps going, mostly to himself now because he realizes that no one is going to answer him. “I tried to be a good, dashing date, but she ran, quite literally, to save some other boy. Pooh. Will I ever, ever live this down? My goodness, we didn’t even make it to the dance! Oh, woe, woe, woe, oh, woe is me! I could leap into these waters and no one would miss me, no siree, and no one at all!”
And then this other girl named Junifernanda Falifax raises out of the water on her speedboat and yells, “Ahoy there, dashing and strapping young man in the cape?”
He looks down at her and says, “But my, you look splendid today! Just a second!” Then he turns his cape into a parachute right quick and floats down onto Junifernanda’s speedboat and he realizes that she is his childhood friend from when he lived over Hammikabimoo and that when his evil parents, Rucilda and Crabapple, decided she was too amazing for his own good, they moved away. But now they are both here on the speedboat and there happens to be a conveniently drowning preacher so they lug him aboard and get married and live happily ever after forever and ever amen and hallelujah!