Peas, Securities and Whatever That Third Thing Was

By now Chris knew exactly where to look. Oliver thought he was being clever, but Chris was getting better at predicting his patterns of behaviour and his likely hiding places. Last time, he was found in some kind of shady bar down by the harbour and since he never hid in the same bar twice, logically he would be on the other side of the city. That said, Oliver knew that Chris knew his behaviours so as soon as she realised he was missing, Chris went straight towards the harbour.

He would almost definitely be at a bar, or some other place he could get his hands on some alcohol. From what she was told, he was last seen at a reception dinner the night before with some members of parliament and if they were discussing the topic Chris thought they were discussing, he would have went to the bar straight after the dinner ended and was almost definitely still there. This meant that to find him, all Chris had to do was trace the path he would have taken from the restaurant to the harbour district and then keep walking straight until reality stopped making sense. That was where she’d find him.

Surely enough, after about an hour Chris found the right place. She stood at the entrance to an alleyway which smelled strongly of urine watching a bird take flight when it suddenly started acting in the way not typical to birds. It had only made it a couple of wing beats down the alley when it hit some kind of invisible barrier and it ceased all movement. Instead it hung motionless in the air like it was the subject of a 3D painting or a wooden figurine in a baby’s mobile, hanging from an invisible string above their crib.

This certainly fit the definition of reality not making sense but Chris still wanted to confirm it so she opened her coin purse and flicked a token down the alley and it too froze in place about a half metre off the ground. This was some kind of powerful magic which Chris couldn’t hope to understand but she didn’t need to. There was only one magician in the world who was capable of casting magic on that level and so with a smile, Chris activated her enchantments and with a deep breath stepped through the barrier and into the alley towards the door down the far end with the sign that read ‘BAILIES TAVERN’.

Inside, she found that like the bird, all the bar’s patrons were frozen like statues. There were about a dozen or so people scattered about the tables who looked to be midway through an enjoyable evening. There was a clock on the far wall was stuck at 11:30 which meant that these people had probably been stuck as they were for almost eight hours. They probably had people who were starting to worry about them, and Chris made a mental note to personally apologise to each one of them later once the spell had finally worn off.

The only thing in the tavern which moved was a single middle-aged man who was leaning over the bar trying to poor himself a drink from the taps while spilling most of it as he did so. He was in the formal dining attire which Chris recognised except for some reason, the man was only wearing one shoe and the sleeves of his shirt were torn off below the elbows. The man was Oliver, though his official title was The Great Sage.

“Oliver.” Chris called out causing the sage to lose his balance and roll off the bar. He fell to the floor and let go of his half-poured drink causing it to freeze in the air halfway to the ground. The sage seemed to be delighted by his own clumsiness and he burst out into fits of laughter while propping himself up into a lopsided sitting position that made him look like a puppet with tangled strings.

“Chrissie!” the sage sang out with his arms wide open.

The sage tried to retrieve his glass, but instead of grabbing hold of it, he accidently slapped it on the side, causing it to regain its momentum and shatter on the floor. Oddly enough, the liquid inside the glass however remained where it was, levitating in its frozen state. This made the sage laugh even harder and he tried taking a bite out of the frozen liquid, only for it to revert to its liquid state and spill all over his pants

“Chrissie!” the sage repeated “Have to met my knew friends? I was just telling these guys all about you and how you would pay my tab after you found me. I think I might have left all my money back at the restaurant with the minister for finance. It made sense at the time.”

The sage made an exaggerated thumbs up motion. He then staggered up to his feet and continued in a hush voice. “You do have some money on you, right? I’d hate to piss this guy off any more than I already have.”

He gestured towards a coat stand which was unusually placed right in the centre of the room.

Chris groaned. “Oh no Oliver. Please tell me that coat stand isn’t a person.”

“What? I was just trying to have a few quiet drinks and he came over and tried to throw me out onto the street so I told him that if he didn’t relax a little bit I’d turn him into a coat stand and he kept trying to throw me out so I turned him into a coat stand.”

“We’ve talked about this Oliver. You can’t keep turning people into furniture.”

“Why not? It’s all in good fun. Plus, he’ll be totally fine, so long as the termites don’t get to him before the spell wears off.”

Chris raised her eyebrows.

“I think I’ve earned the right to turn whoever I want into furniture. After all, if it weren’t for me then none of these people here would even still be alive to complain about me.”

The sage raised his voice so that his voice carried access the whole room. “That’s right. It’s all just like the prophecy said. On the fourth day the great sage will defeat the witch and then peace, prosperity, and security shall return to the land. I ended the dark age, I killed the witch and now we have peas, and securities and whatever the that third one was. Just like the prophecy said.”

Chris allowed the sage to finish his rant before walking into the bar and gently placing her hand on his shoulder. This was a well-practised gesture now and it always seemed to calm him down in a way that words couldn’t.

“I think it’s time to go.”

After making a mental note of the tavern’s name exact location, Chris began leading the sage through the backstreets towards the edge of the city. She was careful to avoid people as much as possible and to avoid people. The sage didn’t care much for his reputation and most people who met him didn’t believe he was who he said he was anyway, but Chris wanted to avoid people as much as possible because she didn’t want anyone to judge him and look down on him like he was some kind of ne'er-do-well. It was selfish of her to make him walk further than necessary given the state he was in but she did it anyway. She made a mental note to apologise after she had gotten him home and he’d had a chance to sleep it off.

“Hey Chrissie.” The sage mumbled after they had been walking for some time in silence. He was much more sombre now and leaning on Chris for balance.

“I’m here.” Chris replied gently.

The sage stopped moving and allowed himself to fall into the gutter. “I don’t think I’m going to go to congress today.”

Chris nodded. “I’ve already informed the king.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

Chris sat down in the gutter beside the sage and allowed him to lean against her shoulder. “The king postponed it. He sent everybody home and told them he would reconvene them once you were ready to participate.”

“Fuck.” Chuckled the sage. “I was hoping they’d just do it without me.”

“At times like this, your council is vital.”

“You mean my power is vital. The king wants to make sure I’ll back him up if war gets declared. Nobody cares what I think. They just want my magic. Every time there’s a war it’s my job to end it. Every time there’s a plague, it’s my job to cure it. When that meteor struck last year, I was the one who had to turn back time and prevent it. That’s all people want me for.”

“Does that mean you’ll support the king this time if he chooses to declare war?”

Chris was silent for some time and then she asked him the question she always asked him at times like these. “Do you want to run away?”

The sage shook his head. “I’m done with it. Tell the king he can do whatever he wants with this war, but he shouldn’t expect any help from me. Not this time.”

Chris nodded. She had been expecting that kind of answer from him. That was how it usually went though, in truth Chris wouldn’t have blamed him if one day he actually meant it.

“Come on.” Chris said, jumping to her feet and offering her hand out to the sage.

“Where are we going?”

“Home.”

“Home’s the other way?”

“I know. There’s somewhere we need to go first though. I have a present for you.”

Chris led the sage through the streets to the old cathedral in the centre of the city. At this time of morning, the square was still mostly deserted but in a couple of hours, it would be swarming with tourists and people going about their business.

The Cathedral was home to the great oracles who every so often, made predictions about the future. Chris had been born on the steps of the cathedral and had lived her life as an acolyte of the oracles until she had been given the role of being the sage’s caretaker.

On the front façade of the cathedral were several large stained-glass windows which depicted the great battle between the sage and the witch of darkness who had once enslaved half the world. Beneath the windows, the words of the great prophecy were escribed into the stone.

‘ON THE FOURTH DAY THE GREAT SAGE WILL DEFEAT THE WITCH AND PEACE, PROSPERITY, AND SECURITY SHALL RETURN TO THE LAND’

“What are we doing here?” asked the sage with distain in his voice and a sleepy expression on his face.

“My present.” Said Chris and she pulled a couple of large river stones out of her pockets. The sage smiled at this and took them, testing the weight in his hand.

“No magic?”

“No magic.”

“LIIAARRRS!” Shouted the sage and he hurled one of the stones at hard as he could towards the cathedral. The rock smashed into a stained-glass window at high speed and shattered one of the panels. The sage then threw the other stone as well, only this time his aim failed him and it bounced harmlessly off the cathedral’s wall.

Chris grabbed the sage by the hand and started running out of the square which was now starting to fill with concerned and angry people who were a few poorly chosen words away from becoming a living room set.

“Thanks Chrissie.” The sage panted after they were clear of the crowd.

Eventually, they made it back to the sage’s cottage on the edge of the city. By this time the sage was all but asleep and Chris helped him into bed and unlaced his one remaining shoe. She drew the curtains and was just about to leave when the sage called out to her.

“Hey Chrissie.”

“I’m here” Chris replied gently.

“Pack your bags. After I deal with the king tomorrow, you and me are heading to the southern provinces. The river is about to break its banks and I want to get a head start on it before the whole valley floods.”

Chris smiled. “Of course.”

“Last night at the bar some guys also told me about a new band of pirates off the west coast so we’re going to go hunt them down on the way and take back the grain supply they stole.”

“Of course.”

Chris opened the door to leave and was one foot through when she was called out to again.

“Hey Chrissie.”

“I’m here.” Chris replied gently.

“Thanks.”