The Protagonist's Beef

Attention Kaitlyn,

I have a beef with you, but not of the bovine kind.

I can't even say who I am because you changed my name so many damn times during my character arcs. And it's not because I clamour from the wings to be in the limelight. You created me, and instead of casting me as a true hero, you gave me all these character flaws and foibles. In fact, I don't know who I am anymore despite trying to rise above the defective personality you cast me in. You put me into impossible situations in which you think you know how I will react. Against my better judgment, you make me do unspeakably childish things.

I want you to know this is what drove me to drink. I do not have a drinking problem! You forced me into it despite your excuse. You believe one of my problems is that I prefer to wallow in misery over an alcoholic drink rather than take action. Not true! In fact, readers say I get everything I deserve. Can you believe it? Of course, you do because you constantly misjudge and miswrite me. You point the arrow and fire it off on a chain of adventures where I react badly in every imaginable situation.

Even when I rise to the occasion as a hero, you constantly preempt my actions and ruin them by including something I muffed, yet again. Since then, few have trusted me with the truth. I find out eventually, of course. Do you take me for a fool? I've become very good at collecting the information you withhold from me. Initially, you so severely stuffed up the ending of my first story that even you agreed to an alternative. You tried to kill me off! The readers clamoured for a better ending. (Thank you, dear readers.)

On the subject of characters winding up dead, you even slaughtered my father. You had my poor, fragile father commit suicide. I found out why. After I successfully helped my co-protagonist, plus my side-kick, to escape the enemy, you had to stuff it up by having my poor father's body appear right where we hid. At the crucial moment, my side-kick, who also starred as my often put-upon twin sister, screamed bloody murder on seeing him. All that hullaballoo alerted our foe to our hiding place. Our father perished horribly and disgustingly - in a stinking moat. Readers couldn't believe you did it. And who got the blame for this shocking twist? Me, of course. I disagree. I'm not guilty. You set me up to fail.

My Lovers

It all started in my favourite spot. I found out my relaxing, verdant hideaway on the hill had been discovered by a trespasser. My co-protagonist, a vision to behold, turned up there. I wondered why you typecast me as a drunkard who fell asleep the night before, fully attired, had me perform some mischief the following morning in my stinking clothes, and then follow her Majesty to my private retreat. I would never have revealed myself in my appalling state, but you put in my way that branch, which snapped when I stood on it. Such bad luck? No. Your fault. Then you had me fall head over heels in love with her like some Shallow Hal. And you cast her with such a priggish personality. She hated me.

You had to come up with some reason for me to have fallen for her. But to have others believe I'm this idiot who worshipped her only for her looks? How could you do that? I pursued her like some ever-forgiving puppy, alternating with childish tantrums (and those ignomous drinking bouts) when my plans for us to be together failed. Pl-eeze! I'm so glad I didn't end up with her. The revolting truth about her, which you kept from me, should have been revealed from the start. Others knew and kept it a secret. I felt betrayed and used. You cast me as angry and unreasonable. I had every right to be outraged. Is there such a thing as murder of one's own Author?

When you threw me together with another who pursued me in such an embarrassing way - the love of my life, incidentally - I felt I had to reject her advances on principle. I'm not this fickle man who is attracted to outer appearances. And you made me leave her behind because I promised the first one I'd look after her. There I went again, being the hero. I didn't sign up for it that time.

In another story, you threw my beloved and me together again—married at last. The plot twists took me away from her time and again. You suddenly took me from her forever. I never got over her. Yet that was twisted into my selfishness and living in the past. You are the Author. You could have sent me back there. Here's an idea for a future plot twist. Send me back!

Before you complete your story, I request: Please let me be with my beloved. I don't want to break her heart, and despite her brazen impulsiveness at times, I love her desperately. I'm sure if you chuck this idea into your subconscious (that muse you talk about), you'll find a way for us to finally be together.

The Cast - a motley assortment

I agree that some of my fellow cast members are better people than me, but I am big enough not to feel outshone. I know my own worth, even if you don't.

My sidekick, my kind and talented twin sister, is a saint. Her trope of 'riches to rags but happy' made her a star. She's not as crucial as Miss Divine and me, the protagonists, but significant enough to have a complete intertwining story of her own. She has many readers who cheer her on. Why turn me into the cad who uses and mistreats her? I am hated for that. It's all your fault.

Later on, you had me married to that witch, Olivia. Do you take me for an idiot? Or was it more proof I'm attracted by outer appearances? Someone like me would never choose to be with the likes of her. She needed a good spanking. But that isn't politically correct these days. I had to treat her kindly. What for? She turned to murder and got away with it!

My nemesis, the one I killed twice without hesitation. How could you dream up such an evil character? I could have been happy but for him and his actions. It outraged me. Even Miss Prim and Proper didn't deserve to be tangled up with him. I was the only one who disagreed. Not one other fellow actor supported me. And somehow, being the hero in that instance, getting rid of the antagonist, turned me into a pariah? What an anticlimax! Warped as hell. I didn't do it for notoriety. What can you do when a crime is swept under the rug and justice doesn't prevail? I rose to the occasion and eliminated an evil groom with a bow and arrow at his gun-shot wedding. (My aim is perfect, but what happened to the lightning bolts?) Miss Pretending-not-to-be-Pregnant wanted to be made into an honest woman first. What else could I do? I had to wait until she could be a widow rather than a girl in trouble. I know the timing was tacky.

You enjoy putting me with these evil people. I investigated certain characters' past crimes and found out their dirty secrets, you decided to use them as plot twists and took all the credit. Nice one!

As for the charming cast members, who deserve thanks for all they did to teach and support me, I never got a single chance to do so. I wasn't allowed to be appreciative. Part of my bad upbringing and being spoiled rotten. Did you really have to kill off my mother? Make my father a depressed recluse because he couldn't get over it? Some can rise above a bad start. You never gave me a chance until you had me hell-bent on reforming because I met Miss Always-Right - the stuck-up one who hated me. None of it was good enough. How could you let me waste my time? It was so demeaning. %*#+&^#@%

Yours truly

Your character, the Wanna-Be-Hero.

Dear Character

I modelled you after the most popular boy in my high school class. He was good-looking, intelligent, from a great family, and everyone liked him. The teachers despaired at his mischief and class clown behaviour. In sharp contrast to how he should have behaved despite his excellent education and pleasing prospects. His life did not turn out well once he left school. He had a drinking problem. I didn't really know him, I confess, so don't ask me what it was about him that inspired your creation. Maybe his looks? Perhaps he needed a chance to be a hero in another story - my story?

A plot follows a pattern of five parts in line with popular storytelling. I, the Author, must work out many diverse aspects of an intertwining plot that take their course for better or worse. It's for the reader's benefit - not the characters. Things get tough for the characters, and the hero has to deal with all this realistically. Only some people want to read a superhero story where he has a perfect personality and abilities and always wins the day. Readers need someone to identify with. Someone like them, enduring the same struggles.

As a writer, I can make a character follow an arc. Nothing personal. You are an antihero. I know you want to sprint before you can jog. However, I gave you certain handicaps. You can rise above them, but it takes time. Once you master your failings, develop fine qualities such as humility, courage, and morality, and stop blaming others, you will attain hero status. Readers will be encouraged and admire you. Being a magnificent hero from the start is unrealistic and makes for a boring story. You shouldn't feel insulted when I write you going in my chosen direction.

Trust me. You become a better person and make sacrifices, which results in a relatively happy ending. I say relatively because a reader cares about other characters as well. Your final denouement can't be at their expense. Sure, I clip your wings. It's a plot-driven method that is used by authors. I know it's difficult to soar like a phoenix when your companions are turkeys who keep you grounded. Readers will identify, sympathise, and hopefully not want to put the book down. It's all for the greater good - a satisfying and twist-filled read.

You don't want to end up a tragic hero. A self-centred individual who never learns. Be optimistic. Thank you for your fine acting while not being enchanted with the script. The end will surprise and satisfy you despite the problems you face along the way. Take heart; there's one more book to go. Anything can happen. I will think about what you have told me. Admittedly, some inconvenient things befall you, but never fear; I will work out a way for you to be with your beloved. It's foreshadowed. You'll have to wait for the next book in the series, and if you're really clever, you'll work it out. So, in line with your character arc and the plot structure, chin up, try to enjoy the ride and be patient.

Fond Regards

Your Author who is rooting for you.