The Eve of loneliness

Journal entry 2020 December 24: She did it. They did it. I'm not really sure what these women find in me so much and so often. I'm a scumbag really but I don't have a bad heart, just a bad mentality. Today was weird. I was proposed to five times and I don't know why. I started my morning off with my girlfriend. We woke up and I made her breakfast. Potatoes, onions and eggs all scrambled the way she likes. It was an early start because her job has her wake up incredibly early and she always wakes me up too. So I cook her breakfast and make her lunch because I can never go back to sleep. As I yawn awake she grabs her phone and starts up snap chat. I smile to myself glad I don't give a fuck about that world. She turns the light on dimly and gets out of bed talking about what she wants for today's breakfast and lunch. If I can cook it most times I will! Today felt more like a fuck off and make it yourself kind of day. I sit up slow, grab my eyes and pull them awake by rubbing them profusely. I work as a bartender so my nights are late given co-vid doesn't shut me down. We begin the day like most couples tired and annoyed. So I use that push as if I am doing something wrong and need to fix it so I do extra things for this girl that I love and then I think to myself. “Holy shit it's Christmas eve!” I get to give this girl what she deserves and let her know how happy she makes me. She only has a half day today so perfect we’re going to spend our first Christmas together. Well I knew she had a half day but apparently she didn't know I knew she had a half day. She calls me at a weird time while she's at work but she has been off for a few hours and all I hear is background noise. I hear her moaning. I hear her getting spanked. I hear her having sex….I put the phone down and hung up. Shiiiit. I’ve never been cheated on let alone cared for a girl like this. What do I do? Well I called her back, no answer. She calls back and tells me she's on her way home after working all day. I laugh and call her out. I simply say I heard you and I know your cheating on me. She denies it, and denies it and denies it. Until I corner her in the conversation so bad she can't escape. She cries and begs and even threatens. Then she says our love is too big to give up because she wants to marry me and has made a mistake. She says because I never proposed she felt like we would never go anywhere but if we get married things would get better! I laughed, called her a whore and told her to get out of my house. Felt good! Then I felt bad. I soon found myself at the bar washing my emotion away with beautiful whisky. I sat alone and was very quiet. Normally I converse with random strangers but tonight I brooded. That is until a cute tiny girl who happens to be at a bar midday comes and asks me what's wrong. I took one look at her and decided she was cute and fell in “love” (which i don't believe in anymore). We talked and I told her what happened to me on Christmas eve. I felt alone but I had this girl comforting me so I did something stupid. I brought her to my truck and we banged at least three times (i don't remember exactly). After we were done she sits in the back seat putting her clothes on… feel like a vulnerable piece of shit. She smiles and says will you marry me? I laugh and look away. She says exactly then gets out of the truck and continues on her wild way. At this point I feel even more lonely and degraded. Although it's Christmas eve and people are screaming around me, as I go to the next bar there is discontent but i need to wash the sorrows away. I sit down at a surfers bar a little more quiet than the last as the day fades into night with a dark blue orange hue. Beautiful I think to myself as I begin to stare at my drink and tear up. The bartender stops my thoughts with a “why you so sad?!” I remember looking up and deciding I hate this man. Then I black, hard. All of a sudden I'm with a group of people and a silver angel is rubbing my chest. Pretty sure I told them why I was sad but not exactly sure of what I said? This woman with dark brown eyes and dark skin says to me I’d marry you….Did I propose? Did I flirt? I must of! She was cute but I didn’t have much left from the last girl. I know it's disgusting. You are gross. Yet when I asked her why she said you have a good heart, silly. I smiled and kissed her passionately with every lip touching and tongue meeting I felt better and better. She grabs my hand in front of people I don't know and she leads me to a room. At that point I blacked out again. The last thing I remember was holding her as she fell asleep. She whispers to me. I’d marry you tomorrow if I could. So me and my good heart got right out of there. Terrible I know and YOU ARE A SHITTY PERSON but i felt the eve of Christmas winding me down a road of revelation and despair. She fell asleep so I left still thinking about my girlfriend. I pretty much felt like I had my heart broken so hard I was ready to give it to anyone. So I did. I walk out the room and a guy in a Hollister shirt comes up to me and starts talking about me how I just fucked this dude's girlfriend and then proceeds to tell me all of his buddies have…. Ew I think but I’m so drunk I want more alcohol and this guy (Hollister man) who according to him I am an eskimo bro with offers me mushrooms. Of course I say yes being so drunk and eat a handful very quickly. At this point I'm back and wandering around a Christmas eve party with dinosaur ugly sweaters and Christmas music that doesn't make me feel jolly, at all. I have a fifth of whisky in my hand and ditched Hollister man Grey or Greg was his name, who cares? I’m alone starting to feel the walls breathing, starting to see architecture and planning in everything. All I’m looking at is a fucking pool. I was amazed by the way the water felt and amazed by the construction of it. I felt good for the first time all day! Then it hit me like I had been blindsided. “Hiiiiiiiii”. I looked around and I was with no one. At Least people weren't paying attention to me so I looked around to see who said that. “Hey!” I look around again and not a soul is talking to me as if I'm invisible. Then I peer at the bottle of whisky who has somehow come to life with these gorgeous green eyes and it says “Are you okay baby?” “Naw not really”. “Take me down your gullet and you'll feel better baby.” So I do. The fucking bottle moans as I do so. “There baby feel better?” “Kind of but not really.” I proceed to have a conversation with a whisky bottle that loves when I drink it. I made that bitch moan (only because I drank most of the bottle) and had a conversation about life, love, and marriage. The bottle told me I needed to dump my girlfriend. That I needed to be my own person. That I deserved better. It then asked me to marry it. I told this beautiful green eyed (I saw later it was a green label) bottle ready to make me happy for the rest of my life, no. It said good choice then disappeared completely. I knew I was tripping and the sky looked so amazingly beautiful I sat there for a minute thinking about what I just learned. I then realized I was talking to a green labeled whisky and more than likely seemed fried out. There were other people smoking outside the house pointing at me laughing or weirded the fuck out. So I got up, walked out the front door and began strolling home. I saw trees that seemed content. Grass that rearranged itself as I stepped on it and felt incomplete. I’ll never forget she called me wondering where I am. She's crying, saying she's sorry, she'll never do it again. Part of me wants to keep her on this holiest of days. It's Christmas eve why not speak of forgiveness and try again. Maybe I wasn't good enough, maybe I didn't pay attention enough. Maybe just maybe she deserves another chance. She exclaimed I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her, I laugh. Then why would you hurt me like this you stupid woman you. She says again I want to marry you. I smile, a full grin with nothing but teeth showing as she says this to me over the phone. Okay fine I eventually squeak out. Let's get married… She says “seriously?” I say I absolutely love you. “Do you have a ring for me?” “I do”. “Oh my god baby seriously?! I love you with all my heart this is a Christmas miracle my love! I'll never ever be unfaithful again. I want you to raise my children and I want to grow old with you!” “I'll be home soon”. I walked home and ended up there right before midnight. My gorgeous girlfriend is home waiting and flings herself in my arms and I greet her with a passionate kiss. She felt good in my arms. “We're engaged, baby! Where's the ring?” I let her go. Still holding onto the whisky bottle I say. “Hey, I love you but not the way you love me, I’ve done all the work and I’m the only one in love. I could never marry you. I could never ever be a part of your life ever again. You just hurt me through and through, and I'd rather marry this bottle of whisky than have you be anything in my life ever again. I wanted to tell you in person of how much of a shitty person you are and how much you've really hurt me. I doubt I'll ever recover from this but you know the one good thing that came out of this? She's begging and pleading for me to stay at this point. I hold my hand up, she goes silent. “The one good thing is this and I hold the bottle of whisky up to her face and I chug. I chug long and deep so much so I don't remember what happened next. I think I remember her arguing, I think I remember her crying. I think I remember her trying to kiss me…. So I woke up today with the whisky bottle at my side and her gone…..Merry fucking Christmas to me.