Here's How A Mad Doctor Got Happier

Here's How A, "Mad" Doctor Got Happier

Once upon a time in a huge metropolis called Danville, Va. there lived a mad scientist named Dr. Derange. The reason he had originally gotten into medical school since he wanted to be a pediatrision. That was because he liked to, "major-in-minors." His problem was the only, "minors" he was good at working with were back during the times he would panhandle in the mines. That's where he learned the best way to handle a pan and say, "Now, that pan is, 'mine.' " Yet later he learned how to put handles on the pans. That is when he would sell them to retailers. Doing that made him a professional, "pan-handler." He also had to keep where he was mining at strictly hush-hush. He wanted to just be able to say, "This mine is all, 'mine!' " To let the word get out that he had struck gold would be disastrous and he loved saying, "This, 'mine' is all, 'mine! ' "

When his wife saw him digging in their back yard and asked him what he was doing there he said, "I hope you can keep a secret. Now, I've just found gold in our back yard! That means we are both rich! Don't tell anybody! All we needs is to get some gold ore out of this here mine!"

"Get some 'gold or' what?" asked his wife, who knew nothing about being wealthy. Actually, she knew nothing of nothing. Where the Lord had blessed her with great beauty, she was severely lacking in the brains-department. When God handed out brains, she thought He said, "trains" and missed hers. Or perhaps she thought He said, "rains" and ran for cover. Other people had said, "Her bread wasn't quite done." "She was a few fries short of a Happy Meal." "She was all bear and no foam." "Her elivator didn't go all the way to the top floor." "Her weals were spinning, although her hamster was dead." "The Lord put her brains in with a teaspoon and somebody jiggled His arm." At any rate, when it came to being smart, she made a really good house-cleaning person, to put it mildly.

"You don't understand," said Dr. Derange while trying to be patient, "You use the gold ore to sell and make money."

"Yeah, I understand that," said his poor, nutty wife, "just explain to me weather we use gold or what since it's here."

"Just don't tell anybody about what we've found," said Dr. Deranged, who by then was warn out from his wife's lack of being able to comprehend what he was saying to her.

Little did he know that there was a really bad-guy who answered to the name of Chillicoe Sam. He was the most evil claim-jumper whoever jumped any claim. Then he approached the doctor and said, "Hay, Doc, I need you to cure me of this awful cold I'm trying to catch. Do you have any suggestions of how I could go about doing that feet?"

"Well, my suggestion to you is let it go, do not keep it." said Dr. Derange. "Also make up your mind if it's in your head or your feet. You can cure that eating oranges and citrus fruits. Also drink lots of fluids with vitamin c, but no whisky. Now, just remember, 'candy is dandy, although liquor is quicker' if you don't want to end up in an early grave. Keep that in mind. Don't tell anybody about that cure because I need to have more sick-people come into my office. So just keep in mind, the main thing that makes any doctor be mad is to loses his, 'patients.' You don't want me to become a, 'mad-doctor;' as in Frankenstein."

"Oh, well, my lips are sealed, Doc, like the Go-Go's would sing," replied Sam with a smile, "and thanks a lot for the, 'cheep' advice. People say you're a, 'duck-doctor,' meaning you're a, 'quack.' That's quite hard for me to, 'swallow' since I've, 'red-bird' books since I was little. We don't want to have our, 'goose be cooked.' It would make us both be, 'raven' ' mad if we, 'wren' all the way there and found, 'my-great' love of those, 'fine-feathered friends' own a, 'hatch'-back car that's, 'egg'-zactly what you'd want to see from your front, 'poach.' That's a, 'cardinal' rule. My friend, Jay was sad but I cheered him up by telling him some bird-puns so now he's not a, 'blue-Jay' because he's not, 'bird' with his life any more. Hopefully, 'my-great' sense of humor is, 'egg'-zacly what you needed to make you laugh. 'Omelet'-ing you know I've tried not to, 'scram-ble' your brains too much. With your face, it should help you keep your, "sunny-side-up," but don't be, "shell"-fish about not sharing these lines with somebody so, 'white' them down or the, 'yoke' will be on you. I don't know, 'feather' all these puns have made your day be any happier, but at least I did try really hard to just, "wing" it anyway. Thanks a million, Doc, I really do owe you a huge favor. Come to my house and I'll even make you a special kind of drink. It's actually a daquory with a hickory nut in it. Because of you, I will call it a, 'hickory-daquery, Doc.' "

"Gee. That's nice," said Dr. Derange happily, "but keep in mind all you ow me, speaking of birds, is to pay your, 'bill.' "

Sam left the doctor's office dancing and singing all the way to his car. When other people saw him come out so happy, they decided to try him as their p. c. p., but a lot of his patients had trouble spelling p. c. p.. Some of them even have trouble just spelling p. s. at the end of their letters, and forget about spelling r. s. v. p.. Because of that, the doctor's fame spread throughout the whole metropolis of Danville, Va.. Many people came to be seen by him and he quickly became the best doctor in the entire metropolis of Danville, Va., and eventually the whole country. That meant he could afford to get out and meet people, even that special-person. They dated a while, got married and the following year the stork blessed the couple with their first bouncing baby boy. The reason for that was because when he got dropped, he bounced right straight up into the right person's arms. Anyway, like the best-written children's stories of all-time will officially finish up with,

THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!!!!"

--------------------------------------- The end.

By, Cuz Roye.