Sweet, Painful Memories

*Sweet, Painful Memories*

  He was still, sinking deep into the leather black seat of the train, his emerald green eyes boring out the window, staring at nothingness as the moving train sped through, heading all the way to Detroit. The black circles and puffiness around the skin of his eyes attested to endless tears he had shed and the unbearable pain and sadness that murdered him.

He pulled his tiresome gaze from the speeding scenery from outside the moving train.

His unmoving gaze fell unto the round, yellow and portable Urn that stood in his large hands.

His hold on it tightened, as he pulled it protectively deeper into his chest. 

  He puffed out some air that has been weighing in his lungs, he felt like his entire body had tightened and his sadness was sucking out every ounce of life from him...then her tender, round, baby-like face crawled into his thoughts. Just at the mental conjuring, a lone tear painfully rolled from the corner of his pale eyes and then many memories came rushing in with emotions he couldn't deal with now, atleast not today...he had promised her.

He bit back the traitorous waters that attempted to fall, he would not cry... not today.

He forced his thoughts from the saddening loss he felt to the crowded passengers on the train.

  He blew out a long and tired sigh, blankly staring at the crowdy train filled with people of both genders. His eyes dwelt on the couple snuggling close together at a corner. A bitter tear jerked out. 'That should be us' He thought, with his eyes welled up.

  He desperately tried getting lost in anything, other than the plunging pain in his chest, it suffocated him. He didn't know if this was as a result of his first time boarding a train or maybe it's the eighteen long and saddening hours he had been on the train from Canada or maybe the depressing state of his heart but still, it didn't matter. He felt suffocated.

  He felt an instant push, he jerked back from his fog of lonesomeness, staring down at the little, blonde girl that had managed to do something he couldn't...jerk back to reality. 

  "Sorry Mister" She murmured sweetly, her voice barely above a whisper, probably scared of the consequence that was about to befall her.

He tugged his cherry lips together, forcing a smile to ease her fear, but unfortunately it didn't reach his eyes.

But the young girl couldn't notice, a huge childlike smile descended on her small lips. Instantly, his heart skipped a beat, at that moment it felt like she was smiling back at him...his love...his Abby. How could life be so cruel?

  Sometimes he wished it was a dream. A bad dream he would wake from and find the warmth and softness of her bare skin, curled up next to his in the break of dawn. But it wasn't a dream. This was reality. She was gone. Abby was gone and she was never coming back. Now, he couldn't fight the lines of hot painful tears that escaped from his emerald green pit. He had promised her he wouldn't cry, especially not on this day but he couldn't take it. This pain and deep loss was etched so deep in his soul. He should have died with her. He had dread this day for the last one year since her Cancer reappeared. He had hoped this day would never come, a day when he would awake without her next to him. A day when he would board this train to fulfil the last wish of his dying wife. How he badly wish this was nothing but a nightmare, but she was gone and that was the stern reality.

  He jammed his perfect long lashes together, her image spun into his mind. He suddenly felt the warmth of her delicate skin next to him, her pleasant scent invaded his nostrils and he felt like she was indeed next to him. Alive. Just as she had said...'Think of me and I'll be there Alex" Even from the jammed gate of his saddening green pit, endless tears rolled down as the hold on the yellow Urn tightened and he slowly caressed it. 

  He was almost close to Detroit and he would fulfil her last wish, spreading her ashes in the beautiful lake of Huron. She had never even stepped her foot on the land of Michigan, but he best knew how crazily his wife adored the land. A genuine smile finally walked on his lips, the tensed muscle of grief and loss broke a little to allow this smile form. This was a miracle that couldn't happen for weeks.

  Alex didn't know when his thoughts on Abby drifted him into a slumber or rather another world where his pain and grief were forgotten. Everything was colorful and filled with pleasant white and red roses. She was there. His Abby...His love and life. There she was, moving so beautiful in her feathery, strapless, diamond white wedding gown, strutting down the isle, her brown hair packed up in a nice bun, her make-up simple and light. Her crystal blue gaze refusing to leave his. This was the most beautiful day in his life. A day he had the privilege to make her his, to put his brand on her. But he didn't know how short this beautiful bliss would last. So short that in the next year, he held her hands gently with all support on a hospital bed. The day he lost her was the worst day of his existence.

  'Nothing could be done. This time the Cancer had eaten through her already' He remembered the exact words of the doctors but still he didn't loose hope. Abby didn't loose hope even until her final breath, she still held on. That was the kind of woman she was, strong and perfect.

  He felt the gentle feel of her hands clasped in his, even the memory of her soft kissable lips on his felt so real and perfect. Her memory was perfect. So perfect that it's hurts. Her absence hurts. Watching her in such pain for months killed him every second and still he lost her, the best thing life had given him. He lost it forever. 

   Alex pushed his eyes open, back to where he left off. An elderly man stood before him, his lips moving without volume that Alex couldn't quite understand.

  "What?" Alex spoke up.

  "The train has reached it last stop" The old man pointed.

Alex eyes scanned around, he was the only person still on-board. He nodded, grabbing the only belonging he had ventured with on this trip...The urn.

  He alighted from the train, stark staring at the beautiful view of Detroit City before him. The sun had just taken shade, but still the sky looked beautiful and full of life. She would have really loved it here. 

  'She will' A thought chimed in his subconscious, so low he couldn't even hear but it was there. This wasn't his first time here but this time he had come to see this City through her eyes.

  Alex strutted, he still had to take a cab to the Lake Huron, just as Abby instructed on her dying bed. She wanted to pass through her Dream City before finally resting. He wasted no time, Alex board the next cab down to Lake Huron. No matter how many hours it'll take, this was for Abby. This was her only and last wish to him.

  His gaze taking in every sight for hours, till he finally set his foot on the warm sandy soil of Lake Huron.

  'We are finally here love' He whispered to the Urn as a small, staking smile nested on his cherry lips. He sauntered closer to where the water washes over the sand, appreciating the beautiful nature. Now more than ever he wished she could see this, she was always a sucker for nature.

  Alex hopped unto the first boat he could find, moving deeper into the endless crystal blue waters of Lake Huron. It was as deep and blue as those lovely gaze of hers.

  He slowly caressed the Urn in his grasp, gently placing a kiss on it. 

  'I love you Abby' His words brought tears strolling down his cheeks. He slowly opened the yellow Urn in his grasp, lines of water fell quicker from his eyes. He pulled a handful of ash from the Urn, scattering it in the water, just as she wanted.

  Endless river rushed from his twin emeralds. He didn't hold it back as he should, he cried it all out. Emotions of loss, grief, pain, hurt and heartbreak burned inside of him as he carefully emptied her Ash into the gentle sea as gentle and beautiful as she was. 

  He placed the empty Urn down. Now he could attest something had changed. He could feel her presence around. She was here. His Abby was here. He could feel it. It felt so real. The cool breeze carried her scent, and the sea, the calmness Abby always had even till death. He knew she was home now. It felt like it. She had always loved the deep blue sea and nature.

  Alex closed his eyes briefly, conjuring her perfect image and the beautiful memories she left with him. No matter how short it was, he would treasure, she was his life and purpose.

  Alex eyes opened, falling on the beautiful sea and nature scenery around.

It was beautiful, as beautiful as her.

His love.