I'll Be Home For Christmas

Christmas with the family. 

John was not mentally prepared for the litany of questions and disagreements that always accompanied a family gathering. He blew out a cloud of smoke and checked himself in the car mirror. His blue eyes were bloodshot, his black hair more than a little oily. Oh well, who was he trying to impress? 

John opened the door, smoke spilling out of it. He took some eye drops and squirted them into his eyes and then sprayed some cheap cologne to hide the smell. 

Inside, the house smelled of cooking food and Christmas tree, reminding him of going to get the tree every year with his dad. No matter what tree they got, his mom would always find some problem with it. Not wide enough. Not tall enough. Not fragrant enough. John had given up years ago trying to please his mother. 

Speak of the devil. His mother rounded the corner, her white perm as immaculate and unmoving as always, every hair exactly where it should be. She carried a tray of rosemary biscuits. Before she could stop him, he grabbed two and shoved them into his mouth. 

“Jonathan,” she yelled. “Those are for lunch.”

“What?” he said through a mouthful of crumbs. “I’m hungry.”

His mother sighed. “You’re getting food everywhere.” She wiped crumbs off his t-shirt. “And would it have killed you to dress up? Christmas may not be important to you, but it’s important to me.” 

John’s dad intercepted them. After thirty years of marriage, he had grown supernaturally skilled at sensing when his wife was about to get upset. “Honey, the turkey needs some attention.” 

She kissed him on his thick black mustache and went back into the kitchen. 

His father turned to him. He was a tall man with big, calloused hands from years of trade work.  

“Your sister said you would do this,” his father said. 

“Do what?” John asked.

“Show up high to Christmas. Just don’t say anything to your mother. She has enough going on as it is. She doesn’t need to worry about you. How is the job?”

“Job? Oh, the clothing store. I quit. It was too boring.”

“Jesus, John. A job is supposed to be boring. I’m pretty sure it’s in the definition. So let me guess, you need money.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say no to it,” John said.

His father gave him that disappointed look only a parent can muster and took out a wad of bills. “How much?”

“Five hundred?” 

His father’s mustache scrunched up like an angry caterpillar, but he counted out the money and handed it to John. 

“Don’t tell your mother.”

His father went into the kitchen, leaving John alone in the living room. His sister, Jessie, came out of the kitchen with her husband, the pair wearing matching camo pajamas. It must have been William’s idea. John swore every piece of clothing the man possessed was camo, from his underwear to his hat.

“Sup, Douchebag,” William said. 

“William,” John said. “Charming as always.”

“Still smoking that devil’s lettuce?” William asked. 

“Still wishing you could date a tractor?” 

William didn’t laugh. He turned to Jessie. “Your brother’s a dick.”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” Jessie said. She gave John a quick hug. “Merry Christmas. Feel like making yourself useful? Stupid question, I know. What I meant to say is you’re helping me set the table.”

She gave him a pile of napkins and silverware and headed into the dining room. John stopped in his tracks. 

A stranger sat at his place at the table. He wore a black fedora and suit. A pencil-thin mustache curled up at the corners, giving him a mischievous look. He had a star tattooed under his right eye. 

“Who the hell is that?” John asked. 

“Who?” His sister asked. 

“What do you mean, who? The only person that isn’t a part of the family.”

“Jesus, John,” Jessie said. “Can you act your age for one second? You show up at Christmas high and now you’re acting like you’ve never met Sam.”

“So you know that guy?” John asked. 

“Oh my god, yes. He’s been to several gatherings.”

“Jessie, I have not seen that man in my entire life. How does he know the family?”

Jessie frowned. “You know, I’m not sure.” She shook her head. “Great, now I’m getting a contact high.”

“That’s not how that works,” John said. 

Jessie went back into the kitchen, leaving him with the stranger, who watched him with cold eyes. 

“So Sam, how come I’ve never met you? Everyone else seems to know you.”

Sam smiled at him. “Maybe if you came to more family gatherings, I would have met you sooner.”

“Excuse me? That’s fucking rude.”

His mother entered the dining room. “Jonathan! I will not have you talk to our guest that way. He has come a long way and has no family to celebrate with. You have no idea what that’s like.”

“It’s okay, Sheryl,” Sam said. “The boy didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Uh, yes, I most certainly did. I don’t know you, but you’re acting like you belong here. And you’re sitting in my damn chair.” 

Sam rose, the chair squeaking on the hardwood floor. “I didn’t realize we had assigned seating.”

Sheryl hit John with a towel. “We don’t. My son here has forgotten that he’s an adult. John, you will treat Sam with respect or there will be no presents this year. Speaking of which, let’s open some while we wait for the food.”

John groaned. He had brought no gifts, and he had no need for six more pairs of socks. His family piled into the living room, which was covered in glitter and fake holly. Logs crackled in the fireplace, though it wasn’t even cold outside. 

Sam stepped in front of the fireplace, casting a long shadow over the family. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a small, wrapped present. “Since your family has been so welcoming to me, I thought it only fitting that I return the favor. A gift from me to you. Go on, open it.” 

Sam handed the box to John’s dad, who took out a pocket knife and cut it open. Inside was a small black box with a star carved into it. The star matched the one on Sam’s face. John’s father opened the box, revealing a deck of cards. The cards were made of a strange material, like paper, but rougher. 

“It’s a game called Little White Lies,” Same said. “After all, what’s a celebration without a game or two?”

“How do you play it?” Jessie asked. 

“Oh, it’s rather self-explanatory. We sit in a circle and take turns drawing cards for the person opposite us. Each card has a simple question on it. All you have to do is answer it.”

“Sounds easy enough,” Jessie’s husband said, letting out a belch. “Get it set up and I’ll grab us a few more beers.” 

“You’ve already had four, honey,” Jessie said. 

“It’s the holidays, babe. John can smoke in the driveway, but I can’t have a few brewskis?”

His mother gasped. “Jonathan, you did not. You smoked in the driveway? What if the neighbors had seen?”

John sighed. “There you go again, worrying about strangers instead of your own son.” He turned to Will. “Thanks a lot.”

Sam shuffled the cards and set them on the coffee table. “Alright, who is first?”

Jessie raised her hand. She picked from the deck, her eyebrows scrunching together as she read. “I don’t understand. Is it this supposed to make sense?”

“Just read the card,” Sam said. 

“Who is Diane Carson?” Jessie asked.

William choked on his beer. “What did you say?”

“Who is Diane Carson? Why, do you know her?”

William lost all color to his face. “No, never heard of her.”

“You sure?” John asked. “Sort of seems like you know her.”

“Sort of seems like you should shut up,” William said. “I’m not playing this stupid game.” 

Sam put a hand on his shoulder. “Ah-ah. That’s not how the game works, William. A question asked is a question answered.” Sam turned over the glass hourglass, the black sand rapidly filling the lower section. 

“I know her,” William said. He covered his mouth. “I didn’t mean to say that.” 

“How do you know her?” Jessie asked. 

“Oh, I’ve been sleeping with her,” William said. It took him a moment to realize what he had said. He looked at Sam. “What the hell is this game? You set this up, didn’t you? Did you spike my drink with something?”

“Don’t you yell at Sam,” Jessie said. “He’s a good guy, unlike you. How long have you been sleeping with Diane?” She said the woman’s name as though it were a curse.

“Five months,” William said. 

“You bastard,” Jessie said. Jessie cleared the distance between them in a heartbeat and slapped him. John rushed to grab her and pulled her back to her seat. 

“Babe, I can explain,” William said.

“Go ahead then.”

“I’ve fallen out of love with you because you’ve gotten fat and depressing.” William put his hand over his mouth, his eyes wide. “What the hell? I didn’t mean to say any of that.”

“Didn’t mean it or didn’t mean to say it?” Jessie asked.

“Didn’t mean to say it.”

“Alright,” Jessie said, “I think we’ve had enough of this stupid game.”

“How is that fair?” William asked. “If I have to deal with this shit, then so do you.” He pulled a card from the deck. “What the hell?” 

“What does it say?” John asked.

“How long have you known I’ve been cheating?” William asked.

Jessie rolled her eyes. “Seriously? I just found out.” Her lips pressed together, her knee bouncing up and down. She shook her head. “I’ve known the whole time. I didn’t say anything because you’re so much nicer when you’re cheating. You buy me things constantly because of the guilt.” Her face turned bright red. 

“Alright, that’s enough,” John said. “Clearly this guy is trying to get us to fight, and I, for one, want nothing to do with it.” John moved to rise but couldn’t. He looked down. Black serpents coiled around his legs, tying them to the chair.

“Tsk-tsk, always the quitter, John. I’m afraid the game only ends once everyone has had a turn.” He turned to Sheryl. “I believe it’s mommy dearest’s turn.”

“I don’t want to do this,” Sheryl said, her hands shaking. Sam waved his hand and her body jerked forward on its own, grabbing a card. 

“Where do you really go on your business trips?”

John’s father flared his nostrils. His face turned red, then purple, as he refused to breathe. A vein stood out on his forehead, about ready to burst. He took a gasp of air. 

“I was unfaithful while stationed overseas,” his father said. “I have a half-Asian child who is twenty-three years old. When I’ve been going on business trips, I’ve actually been going to Japan to see him.” 

“Is this a joke?” his mother asked. 

His father was sweating profusely. He fidgeted with his mustache. “No, I wish it was.”

“How could you do this to me?” His mother asked, throwing her hands up. “After everything I have done for you, you would throw it away for some black-haired skank with slanted eyes?”

“Don’t talk about Limu like that. She’s twice the woman you’ll ever be, and she actually knows what it’s like to be happy.” 

“Then you can live with her because you’re as shit, not staying here. I won’t share a bed with a cheater and liar.” She grabbed the pocket knife from him and stabbed it into his leg. He howled. 

“You don’t share a bed with me now, you cold shrew.”

“Am I the only sane one in this family?” His mother asked. “Am I the only one without a secret?”

“Only one way to find out,” his father said. His wound hardly seemed to bother him now. He pulled a card from the deck, getting blood all over it. “Where did your ‘Christmas bonus’ really come from?”

Her eyebrows shot up. “I’ve been embezzling from the company.” She didn’t seem embarrassed. If anything, she seemed relieved. 

“Are you kidding me?” John asked. “After all these years of you being on your high horse, you’ve been stealing from people?”

“Why?” His father asked. “It’s not like we need the money.”

“Oh, I know,” his mother said. “I did it because it was fun. You have no idea how boring it is to always be the perfect little housewife. Sometimes I just want to set fires and watch them burn. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Though there was that one time.”

“Enough,” John yelled. “Can’t you see this is what he wants?” John asked. “He’s the one who did this. He’s trying to drive a wedge between us.”

Sam smiled. “Oh dear, I don’t think you need any help in that regard. It can be so unhealthy keeping all these secrets buried within. Family exists to tell you the truth, no matter how bad it hurts. Speaking of which, I think it’s your turn, John.”

Sam reached into the deck and pulled out a card. “What happened to the family dog?”

His family turned their eyes on him. 

“Roxie was hit by a car,” John said. “Everyone knows what happened.”

“A half truth is not the truth,” Sam said. “Who was behind the wheel?”

John hung his head. “I was.”

“But we found her two neighborhoods over,” his mother said. 

“I…I made it look like an accident. I knew it would devastate you.”

“So you lied,” his mom said. 

“No, I just…stretched the truth. Dad’s always telling us not to tell you things.”

“Oh, so now it’s your father’s fault,” Sheryl said. “Classic John, always redirecting the blame.”

“What’s that smell?” John asked. Smoke filtered into the living room from the kitchen. A moment later, the smoke alarm went off, and with that, the spell was broken. They could move again. 

“Oh no, the turkey.” His mother rushed to the kitchen, leaving the rest of the family bickering. Sam sat with his hands clasped in his lap, his shoulder gently rising and falling. The bastard was laughing. 

“Who are you?” John asked. 

Sam smiled at him, a forked tongue flitting out of his mouth to lick his lips. “I think you know John. You’re the only that seems to have their wits about them. It’s not a good feeling, your family questioning your sanity. Unfortunately, I am all too familiar with the feeling. I know what it’s like to have a disapproving father and siblings who do not understand you.”

“What are you saying, that you’re the devil? You really expect me to believe that?”

“What other explanation is there? Your weed is good, but not that good. You know, I like you John. I’m rather fond of black sheep. Every family has one. Do you know why? On the surface, they may say they want a peaceful holiday, but in truth, they love a punching bag. Someone to make them feel better about themselves. They just love to hate you.”

“Stop it,” John said. “You’re just trying to get into my head.”

“Trying? My dear boy, I live there rent free. I see your secrets, your fears, your hopes. Things that even you cannot see.”

“So, what are you waiting for?” John asked. “It’s nothing I haven’t heard from them. You can’t manipulate me any more than my family already does.”

Sam laughed. “Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure.”

John realized Sam was sitting directly across from him. He looked to the deck of cards, then back to Sam. The devil’s smile faltered, and that was all the encouragement he needed. 

“Stop,” Sam said, but John had already pulled the card. 

“What does the Devil fear?”

Sam scowled at him. “Clever boy. The Devil fears nothing.”

“Oh, come on, Sammy, you’re not playing by the rules,” John said. “What does the devil fear?”

Sam squirmed in his chair. He took off his fedora and slicked back his hair. “The devil fears a soul that cannot be swayed. A soul who is immune to my silver tongue.”

“Oh, so you’re just a bully. A control freak with daddy issues. Now it all makes sense. Why didn’t you say so?”

“Silence,” the devil yelled. His shadow lengthened, slithering up the wall onto the ceiling. His face distorted, pale skin giving way to red flesh, black hair to curled horn. “You will fear me.”

“No, I don’t think I will,” John said. He yawned. “This was fun for a bit, but you’re just embarrassing yourself. Did you really need to spend today picking apart some poor family, or were you just lonely?”

“The devil, lonely?” He laughed. “Do not be ridiculous.”

“It’s okay. I know what the little guy needs. A big ol’ hug.”

“Stop it,” the devil said. He shrank as John approached, his voice raising in pitch. “I will cut you. I will bite out your eyeballs. I will sodomize your entire family.”

“Aw how cute. Little guys so grumpy. He must need a nap.” 

John wrapped the devil in an embrace. The Adversary squirmed in his arms, smoke streaming off him. “I will remember this, you bitch. I will be back.”

“And I’ll be waiting with eggnog. Now go back to where you came from.” 

The devil disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving John in a room full of adults acting like children. Despite the smoke, the noise, and the blood, John found himself smiling. 

Nothing beats Christmas with the family.