Trevor the Teleporting Marvel

Wendy took one of the three bananas out of the shopping bag, pointed it at Trevor, and hissed “what's this?”

She'd sent him to the supermarket, with another one of her lists, to get some groceries as she was “bogged down with the effing ironing.”

Only he hadn't gotten it 100% right, and 100% right was what Wendy demanded. She'd written down “three GREEN bananas,” as she didn't like them fully ripe. Trouble was, Tesco were out of green, apart from the larger bags of organic ones. So Trevor made an educated guess, and chose three yellow bananas, rather than pay more money for a large bag. He knew Wendy hated throwing out money.

Trevor attempted to explain himself, like he often did, but she cut him off and shouted “How fucking hard is it?”

She then chucked the banana at him. It hit him in the chest, then dropped down to the floor. Trevor never figured a banana could actually hurt. He was wrong. That had stung. Thank his lucky stars that wasn't her firing a gun at him.

“I bet the other two are also yellow” and she quickly retrieved them from the bag, slapping them both down onto the counter top.

“Tell you what, Trev. Just go outside and tend to your beloved turtle. I'll deal with the rest of the groceries. God only knows what else you got wrong, and I don't want to see your face when I find out.”

Being ordered to the back garden was fine by Trevor, as he was very much into gardening. Wendy, on the other hand, hated that too, so being out there was a perfect way to get away from her.

As it was a mild Spring day, Trevor thought he'd cut the grass. But first, he had to check his turtle. It wasn't a live turtle, like a pet, but a hefty, resin crafted planter pot, which had been one of their house warming presents from around six years back. Trevor had developed a real fondness for that turtle, and because of it, Wendy resented the thing. She'd say to him, many times, “If you put half as much effort into being a good partner as you do that bloody turtle, you might be a decent partner.”

He'd only recently planted some geraniums inside the pot, and wanted to see if anything sprouted yet. He was just having a look when he heard a piercing scream from inside the house.

Wendy came storming out the patio door, with something else in her hand. Trevor couldn't quite make it out. Then she screamed again.

“What's THIS??”

Trevor could now see that it was the little jar of peppercorns that he'd bought, as Wendy had put pepper on the list.

“WHAT SORT OF BRAIN DEAD MORON BUYS PEPPERCORNS INSTEAD OF GROUND PEPPER?”

“Wendy, please keep your voice down. The neighbours -”

“I don't give a shit about the neighbours. I want to know why you bought peppercorns, Trevor.”

“Because “pepper” was on the list, and remember, we have one of those mills we never use.”

“You want to grind your own pepper, Trevor? Great. How about we demolish the house, start from scratch, and build a new one, just the two of us, from wood piles and bricks”

Trevor thought it would be cool to build your own home, but he said nothing more, because he didn't want to antagonise her further. When Wendy lost her temper, things could get scary. So he turned around, and started to make his way towards the shed. Let her rant at his back. The lawn mower would soon drown it out.

It all happened so quickly. Trevor had only taken a few steps when Wendy clobbered him over the head with the turtle, screaming “Don't you DARE walk away...”

Trevor collapsed to the ground.

The geranium bulbs, and the little mound of dirt they were planted in, had fallen out from the pot, and landed on his neck.

TREVOR MEETS CAPTAIN COMET

I find myself sat on a large fluffy cloud, with nothing around me but more fluffy clouds and bright blue sky.

I stand up, and my body slips straight through - down, down, down, down, down - where I'm gently deposited into a forest with colours so vivid they almost make my eyes hurt. Trees with bright, multi coloured leaves. Rocks looking as if they were sprinkled with glitter. Even the ground seems sparkly. I walk.

The trees eventually give way to a clearing of grass covered in wild flowers, and a river flowing with turquoise water that looks entirely inviting. I make my way to its edge, kneel down onto my knees, and have a drink. It's cold, with that pure taste you get when you fork out for Evian. I have a bit more. As I'm enjoying the water, it suddenly feels like the ground beneath me is vibrating, and I hear a slight rumbling noise.

“It's fine water, isn't it!” I look up, and just a few metres from me stands a large, purple elephant.

I tumble backwards in fear. I don't know if this is real or not, but either way, I don't fancy being trampled. As it is, my head hurts, and that's enough battering for one day.

“No need to be afraid, Trevor. I'm Ellie. I'm here to take you to a special friend.”

Ellie then picks me up with her trunk, and places me on her back before I have time to protest.

“You hang on real good, Trevor. It might get bumpy.”

There's not much to hang on to, so I take hold of the top of her ears. I hope she doesn't mind.

She meanders into the river, and we make our way down stream.

En route, we pass a durante of Toucans, who are watching us through the trees with eyes that look magnified. Then there's a flamboyance of pink flamingos along the river's edge. Next is a flutter of blue butterflies that surrounds us. One of them lands on my right forearm.

Then the strangest thing happens. The butterfly changes from real, to a cartoon. So does my forearm.

I look around me. Everything is morphing into a cartoon. I wish I had a mirror so I could see my face. I always wondered what I would look like in anime.

Ellie is now a cartoon, too, which suits me, as it makes her less intimidating.

“We're nearly there, Trevor.”

Ellie exits the river. I can see a cabin in the distance.

She walks us towards it.

There's a figure standing on the porch, dressed in a red costume.

As we get closer, the figure looks oddly familiar. I'm no expert on comics, but I'm fairly certain that's -

Ellie wraps her trunk around me again, and puts me back on the ground. The figure is leaning against the front of the cabin, filing his nails with an emery board.

“Captain Comet?? Is that you?”

“If it is me, is that good, or bad?”

“Oh, it's good.” Well, it's not bad, anyway.

“Do you know why you're here, Trevor?”

I shake my head.

The Captain puts his emery board down onto the window ledge, and approaches me.

“Well then, let's get straight to the point. You've been a sucker for years, Trevor. That's why you're here.”

I'm taken aback by this rather frank remark, but I also know he's not wrong.

But how did he know?

The Captain extends his arms and grips my head with both of his hands

“What are you do-”

“Quiet, or you'll break my concentration.”

I soon feel a warm, tingling sensation. Then a small bolt of lightening travels from Captain Comet to my forehead.

ZAPPP!!

“There we are. How do you feel.”

“My head, it doesn't hurt anymore. It's just kind of buzzing now. How did you -”

“Nevermind. The matter of importance is not your head, or how I did what I did. The matter of importance is THIS...”

He hands me a rolled up map.

I open it up. It looks quite simplistic, like a child's treasure map, but then again, this is now a cartoon, so what can I expect.

“You need to go to where the X is”

“What's there?”

“If you want your life to improve, go to the X”

The Captain then vanished into thin air.

I guess it was now down to me to find whatever it was I was supposed to find. My navigation skills would be put to the test.

“Good luck, Trevor” says Ellie, as she turns around and heads back to the river.

I shout “Thank you, Ellie.” She wags her tail at me.

There was no real indication of distance on the map. But I assumed it wouldn't be too far.

Between Captain Comet's cabin, and the X, there was a set of palm trees, two large boulders, and a cannon. The X was on the other side of a hill, just past the cannon.

NOT LONG AFTER

I found all the landmarks quickly, climbed to the top of the hill, and there it was. A giant majestic tree. It reminded me of El Arbol del Tule, that famous one in Mexico.

Wow. I'd never seen a tree this big in my life, apart from in photos. I'm standing in awe, looking all the way up to it's top, when I hear

“It's not the top you want”

I look in the direction of the voice, and I spot an oversized badger with a baker boy cap on its head, wearing gold rimmed glasses. He's perched on a little yellow stool at the base of the tree.

The badger lowers his glasses down his nose, and looks me over.

“Pray tell how you ended up here”

“I think it's because I've been a sucker.”

The badger didn't look terribly impressed.

“Hmm. The Captain seems to be sending all sorts here these days. Never mind, it's not up to me. Go through. And don't take too long, because some other sucker is undoubtedly coming soon.”

The badger takes hold of my arm just before I enter the tree.

“You only get to pick one book... and know this... the first book you touch... that's your book”

“A book? I was sent to get a book? I already have books at home, and I'm not much into reading anymore.”

The badger was looking at me just like Wendy did when she was cross.

“Firstly, I assure you that you don't have any books like these. And second, you don't need to read the book. All you need to do is touch it.”

The badger then waved me towards the large hollowed out part of the tree.

“Remember, the first book you touch is yours.”

The inside of the tree is lit by candles, so thankfully I can make out all the titles along the spines. The books sit, side by side, on a carved out part of the bark that runs halfway along the circumference.

“move objects with your mind,” “read minds,” “photographic memory,” “play footie like a pro,” “predict the future,” “genius,” “superhuman strength,” “walk on water,” “fly,” “spy,” “control nature,” “immortality,” “teleport” -

STOP. Teleport?

I feel as if I've already been teleported, and I like it. Wouldn't it be something to be in control of it.

My eyes quickly dart over the other titles on the shelf, just to be sure nothing else looks better.

One contender was predicting the future. I could pick all the right lottery numbers, and spend the rest of my days pig wealthy. But then, money wasn't everything, and it could end up being more like a curse than a gift.

I touch the teleporting book.

In that very instant, the book removes itself from it's place on the shelf. It's levitating right in front of me. It opens. A blinding light emits from it's pages, right through my eyes and into my head. The pages then start to flip and fly by at top speed, and this goes on until it reaches the very end.

I have that same buzzing feeling in my head again.

The book then places itself neatly back where it was on the shelf. The candles go out, and I am in complete darkness. I make a move to come out of the tree, when I find myself being sucked away by a massive force.

BACK TO REALITY

Next thing Trevor knew, he was back at home, in the exact same spot he fell. He could feel something on his neck. He reached up to touch it. Dirt.

Wendy was leaning over him, completely panicked. She was slapping the side of his face, saying his name over and over, pleading with him to wake up.

Trevor looked up at her. No tears, but she was definitely scared. Not for him, mind, but for herself. Wendy knew she'd gone too far this time. She'd struck him before, but never to the point he collapsed, or even fell. And when Trevor was knocked out, the way he just dropped to the ground, she thought she'd finished him off.

He sat himself up, still disoriented.

Wendy let out a very relieved “Thank fuck.”

A geranium bulb rolled down his shirt, and onto his lap. The turtle planter pot lay on its side, just left of his leg, along with the other bulbs.

“How long have I been out for”

“Around three minutes.”

Wendy tried to help him up, but he brushed her off.

“Wendy, can you just go into the house and make me a coffee please”

“Are you sure - “

“Positive. I'm fine. Go.”

“Can you get back inside alright?”

“I said I'm fine. Go make the coffee.”

Trevor picked up his planter pot, put the remaining dirt and bulbs back inside it, and made his way over to the patio area, where he took a seat on one of the four chairs, placed the turtle onto the table top, and got it to look close enough to how it looked before. He then carried it back to its usual place on the round table next to the drain pipe.

Trevor then went back inside the house, and sat himself down on the sofa in their lounge. Of course his head didn't hurt anymore, as it's been healed, but he's not about to tell her that, is he.

He can hear her humming from the kitchen. While she did hum a lot, which always irritated him, he found it pretty unsettling that she'd be humming so soon after what happened.

It then hits him. He knows what to do with his new power. It was just a matter of choosing a place for her. He'd take himself loads of places later, but Wendy was going to go first.

There was a globe on the coffee table. Trevor leaned forward, and spun it a few times. He rested his index finger against it. He told himself “wherever it stops is where she's off to.”

First it stopped on Italy. No. Far too nice. Plus the fact that Wendy always longed to visit there, so that was out. He spun again. Canada. No. Boring. Kuwait. Trevor nearly laughed out loud at that one. Best so far, but not quite right. Then he moved his finger a bit higher on the globe, and spun again. Greenland. One of the most remote places on earth. Perfect.

TELEPORTATION COMMENCING

He then began. He loved the fact that he could teleport something, or someone, without them having to be right in front of him. They only had to be nearby.

Trevor focused hard, and wished Wendy to Greenland, where she'd be deposited on some patch of tundra overlooking a body of water. But hey, he wasn't just going to dump her there without any support. That wouldn't be very chivalrous.

So he added on a few things to the teleportation, which included their red pop up tent, her late mum's beaten up old suitcase, which Trevor filled with some of her warm clothing, and her wellies. He also teleported her new winter coat. Then went the fishing rod. And he thought she might be hungry when she arrived, so he teleported a large family size bag of her favourite cheese and onion crisps. Oh, and finally, he teleported the jar of peppercorns.

TELEPORTATION COMPLETED

The humming from the kitchen had come to an abrupt stop.

He couldn't quite believe it was that easy, so he got up to check the kitchen. The kettle was boiling, and a mug had been prepared for him, but there was no sign of Wendy. In fact, the house had suddenly become more quiet that it had ever been before.

Trevor then did a quick check in the cupboard under the stairs, where they had stored the tent. It was gone. He then bolted upstairs, and quickly checked the attic space. The suitcase was also gone.

Trevor felt himself smile. He went back downstairs, and back into the kitchen. He started for the kettle, and then changed his mind.

Instead, he reached into the fridge, and grabbed himself two ice cold bottles of Corona. He then went and sat back down on the sofa, maneuvering himself sideways, and kicking his legs up onto the edge.

If only he could watch her. But he couldn't. His new teleporting powers didn't include remote surveillance. That had been another book. Nevermind.

So he sipped at his beer, and did his best to imagine it all.