Demonic Bureaucracy

The Company liked to think of itself as forward looking, ready to face the challenges of the future. They bragged about the efficiency and modernity of their workforce. But in the end they were so focused on their financial gains that they ignored the most insidious threat. They forgot the first rule of corporate demon management – protect yourself before profits.

Now they were stuck with a demon-possessed CEO.

They’d managed to lock him in an empty office when they realised what was going on, but in their haste had forgotten to take his phone from him. He’d immediately gone on social media to insult as many people as possible. Luckily, his phone battery eventually died, but not before the company’s share value dropped ten per cent.

The board were reluctant to kick the CEO out, demon or not. He had, after all, made shareholders a lot of money over the past few years. They needed a good reason to give him the boot. Did it really matter if he was possessed? Sure, there’d been a drop in share price, but the man was known for turning things around. Give him time, he’d make it right.

Upper management weren’t convinced. They pulled together a working group on demons, and brought in consultants and PR people. They were desperate to know what to do.

‘Look, the optics aren’t great,’ one expert told the group. ‘You’re perceived to have taken too long to react. People are questioning whether or not you really have this company under control.’

‘I disagree,’ said the another. ‘Consumers are willing to accept a demon-possessed CEO if certain expectations are managed.’

The senior manager raised an eyebrow. ‘Certain expectations?’

‘Well, he’d need a new office. Ideally a cave with burning lava. And you’d have to allow for the loss of several staff per year.’

‘Why’s that?’

‘He’d eat them.’

The manager pressed his hands to his forehead. ‘This is getting ridiculous. We have to make a decision. I don’t see how we can keep him on. Look at him.’

They all looked through the glass wall of the office. The CEO was chewing on a cable. He flashed them a grin and waved.

The manager shuddered. ‘Let’s figure out how to get rid of the demon.’

They turned to Google and searched for demon removal strategies. It was all quite unpleasant, and they cringed at the descriptions of knives and blood. It was easy to get rid of a demon if you didn’t care about the host dying. You just cut the host open and yanked the demon out. Things got complicated if you wanted the possessed individual to survive. It required surgery, with skilled doctors of both traditional and esoteric medicine. It could take weeks.

The group sat slumped in their chairs, unable to make a decision, when a man hopped out of the lift in the foyer. He ran into the room and said, ‘We’ve got something! There’s a woman in HR who says her grandmother was a demon exorcist.’

‘Get her up here,’ the manager replied.

The woman was young and nervous. She shuffled into the room and gave them a weak smile.

‘Don’t be scared,’ the manager said. ‘We just need your help. Your grandmother was a demon exorcist, I believe?’

The woman nodded. ‘Back in the old days.’

‘Would she be able to get a demon out of…’ The manager trailed off, then pointed to the CEO, who was now stark naked.

The woman’s eyes bulged. ‘Yes.’

‘Is she close?’

‘She lives near me. About half an hour away.’

‘We’ll send a car for her,’ the manager said.

The woman who arrived was small, with grey hair piled in a tight knot upon her head. She wore a shapeless yellow dress and carried a plastic shopping bag in one hand. She looked around at them all, her upper lip curled.

‘Alright,’ she said. ‘Let’s get a look at him.’

The manager pointed to the glass, and the woman walked right up and peered through. The CEO laughed and waggled a finger at her.

‘Hmph.’ The woman turned around and raised an eyebrow. ‘You should’ve called me earlier.’

She reached into her shopping bag and pulled out a dagger. It was silver, with elaborate symbols carved into the handle. ‘I’m going to go in there and stab him in the back. That will bring the demon out. But I’ll need some of you to distract him.’

Nobody wanted to open the door. The woman sighed and waved the dagger in their direction.

‘Get a move on! You’ve wasted enough time as it is.’

The manager unlocked the door and jumped back, but the woman walked straight in. The others followed on tiptoe.

The CEO was crouched in the corner of the room, nibbling on a mouse pad. He grinned when he saw them all. The woman held the dagger behind her back, and nudged the manager forward.

‘Say something. Distract him.’

‘Um, okay.’ The manager coughed. ‘Say, sir, how about we charge that phone of yours? If you give it to me I can go plug it in.’

The demon CEO stood up. He cocked his head at the manager.

‘Battery?’ he said.

‘Yeah, you know, so you can get back online and start…um…talking to people again.’

The CEO cackled. ‘I like talking.’

‘Yes. Well.’ The manager swallowed. ‘Just give me your phone and I’ll get to it.’

The CEO stepped forward slowly. They spread out in a semi-circle around him. The manager could see the woman readying her dagger, preparing to attack.

But then the CEO flicked his head to the side, his gaze fixing on one of the more junior employees. ‘You! You’d like a raise, wouldn’t you? A nice new house?’

The employee’s eyes widened. He’d never spoken to the CEO before. ‘Um, yes, I suppose so…’

‘Well, listen to me, because I can make you rich beyond all your dreams…’

The woman was still trying to get behind the demon, but now that his attention was on the junior employee, she couldn’t get a good position. The manager noticed. His fingers twitched. The CEO’s back was to him. He had to do something.

He looked around. Next to him was the desk, with a few objects scattered on top, including a pair of scissors. He grabbed them, and before he could think about whether or not it was a good thing to do, he leapt forward and plunged the scissors into the CEO’s back.

The CEO yelled out in pain. He turned on the manager, but didn’t attempt to fight back. He stood there, shivering, his eyes wide.

‘What the hell did you think you were doing?’ The woman stared at the manager. ‘Scissors? Scissors don’t work. You need a specially prepared blade.’

The manager’s stomach did a somersault. ‘But…I just wanted…what does that mean?’

‘It means you’ve buggered it all up. The demon will have taken over now.’

At her words, they all looked at the CEO. His body writhed, his movements faster and faster until all they could see was a blur. And then the blur stopped. They all gaped.

In front of them stood an unknown man dressed in a navy suit and crisp white shirt. His hair was smooth, his shoes polished. He exuded confidence. He smiled at them all, a charming, somewhat dangerous smile.

‘Who is he?’ the manager asked.

The woman gave him a dirty look. ‘That’s your CEO.’ She shook her head. ‘Pure demon now. Anyway, he’s your problem. I’m outta here.’

‘But wait,’ the manager said, panicked. ‘What now? How do we keep doing business?’

‘That’s easy,’ the CEO demon said. ‘We implement growth strategies for a bold new outlook, which we then feed into the stakeholder success customer experience, and then circle back to intuitive programming and interdepartmental synergy. I’ll flick you an email with my thoughts and maybe we can have a quick huddle about it later. Really unpack the learnings.’

There was silence. The CEO demon continued to grin at them all.

‘Well,’ the manager said eventually, his shoulders sagging, ‘at least he speaks our language.’