The blank notebook

Kathy woke up when the sunlight from the hospital window fell on her face; she had to squint her eyes to look out the window from where the mid afternoon light was coming. Her eyes fell upon the clock on the wall in front of her, it was striking 13. She got herself up to sit up straight, she touched the dressing wrapped around her head and felt her aching arms and legs, just then a nurse entered the room and startled her and said, "Finally" and went outside in a rush. She saw the nurse go out, when the door closed behind her; Kathy was just wondering why her head was so weirdly blank, why she couldn't think of anything. She got up to go inside the washroom, there she saw her face in the mirror, her face was bruised and swollen at her cheeks and there was a small wound on her chin, her black hair spread on her shoulders and she looked very tired and pale but she had no idea what has led her to this situation. She was just contemplating this, then suddenly, heard three people come inside the room, she came out to find three people there...one was a doctor, second was the nurse and she didn’t know the third person.

The doctor advised her to lie down because she should rest. He sat beside her, took her pulse and flashed a torch in her eyes then wrote down something on his notepad and asked the nurse to give her some pills. "They are pain killers, take them Miss, Johnson, they'll help you ease the pain."

She felt confused as well as uneasy but she kept listening to the doctor intently and kept her gaze fixed at him and saw the man standing behind him with the corner of her eyes, and tried to understand what the doctor was talking about.

“Miss. Johnson, we are very glad that you are conscious, when you came here two nights earlier, we were worried that you may not be conscious for a long time, but I guess you’re lucky, you had serious injuries but you have recovered fast after such an accident”

“So as you are well and fine, we can discharge you tomorrow or later today if you want”

“Excuse me, but can you explain what happened, why am I here?”

“Why, you don’t remember?” the doctor asked with a smile on his face as if she had just told him a funny joke, but she wasn’t kidding; she had no idea what she was doing here.

“Well, you were brought here two nights ago by this man, you were bleeding heavily from the side of your forehead and you had minor injuries on your legs and arms, this man told us you had an accident and need to be attended quickly, you should thank him for his spirit"

She looked at the man who she thought she had seen somewhere before, was wearing a checkered shirt and grey pants, his black hair were messy and his age she supposed was around her age, maybe give or take a few years. He was just smiling proudly as he deserves a medal for his bravery right now. She looked at him, then at herself and tried to think hard, but nothing, she had no memory of what they were saying, nothing about her, hell she didn’t even know why they were calling her Miss. Johnson, then it came to her that she might have….she might have lost her memory. The doctor said something to her, so she turned to look at him but all she could see was his lips moving and some voice coming from his mouth but nothing entered her mind. She felt ashamed and afraid; thoughts swam around her head making her even more restless. She wanted to ask many questions from them, she even found it funny that how she was a grown up woman with no past and no memories about herself, she felt like a blank notebook. Although it wasn't an entirely plain notebook, there were some scribbled images here and there but nothing of meaning. Her mind showed her images and some fragments, they were disfigured and distorted but nothing that she could call her own, nothing that could give her assurance. She looked at them, standing around her talking, but felt completely alone; after all they were all strangers. She got out of bed and ran out the door saying, "I need some air", they all watched her go but said nothing, she walked through the corridor, and reached a window at the end and looked out at the view, tears started to well up, her head and leg ached but she didn't know what was more hurtful and sadder between the facts that she's been laying here, unconscious, for two days and nobody, no family member or friend bothered to look for her; or that she didn't even knew who they were. She wasn't even sure if she had a family who she could go to. She stood there for some time then turned to go back inside the room but the doctor came out and told her that if she wants to go today she can go to the reception to get her belongings. When she reached the reception, the woman behind the desk was typing something and after recognizing her, she threw a transparent polybag on the desk for her. It contained some stuff which she didn't feel the possession of.

Kathy picked up the polybag and took all her stuff out, she examined everything one by one, the broken phone, the watch with a crack on its face, and the bag, and then suddenly someone came behind her. It was the man who saved her, his eyes just looked at everything at once, Kathy, her stuff and then Kathy again.

"So you're all set to go home"

"Hmm" that was all that came out of her mouth, she wanted to say more but couldn't find the words then he spoke again.

"Oh, my name is Mark Rainsford, i actually forgot to mention earlier"

"Oh, nice to meet you and…"

"You are Kathy Johnson, I looked at your driving license earlier to fill out your form, it was in your bag, Sorry, but I had no choice"

"It's okay and thanks you for bringing me here"

"Oh don't mention that, I thought I should help you, so I did, don't worry Miss, humanity is still alive" he said with a bright smile, then she asked him, "If you don't mind can I ask you what happened that night, I really don't remember"

"Well, actually that night I was in my car at an intersection waiting for the signal to go green, just then I saw you standing on a footpath on my left side of the road, then you suddenly started to walk towards this side, maybe you couldn't see in the dark as it was very late almost midnight but the signal was green of that road so a car came speeding from my right and hit you and that guy just reversed his car and went sideways, there was no one on the road except me, and few pedestrians who could have seen that happen, so i ran out of my car and some other people too, and when we came near where you laid; you had lost a lot of blood from your head and arms, so I quickly brought you here in my car and admitted you, some people might have noticed his car plate as he got away but I couldn't wait for all that so I don't know what happened to that man.” He told her all that in one quick breath and just saw her face while she just kept thinking and said nothing.

The nurse who also waited for him to finish his story, handed her a bunch of papers and said, "Missy, read all this carefully and sign it wherever necessary, and leave them for the doctor to approve and take one copy with you whenever you leave." Kathy took care of all the formalities and darted straight into her room and scanned the entire room for clothes to change from this hospital overall, but Mark picked up a bag from a seat in corner and handed it her telling that he bought them for her as her clothes were all covered with blood stains and nobody has turned up for her, still. She took them and thanked him for his generosity; her cheeks went red as she sensed it was out of pity for a poor girl as her for whom no friend or family member bothered enough to come or even cared to look for. Her resilience, at last, gave away and she started to cry.

Mark didn't know what to do, so he tried to console, though his management skills with crying people weren't very helpful. He gathered himself and came up with a good reason, “Maybe nobody has gotten to know yet, maybe she lives alone or is at leave from her work" but that didn't work either instead she lifted her face up and said,

"Maybe nobody cares about me" she said and her eyes started to fill up and lowered her head down and started sobbing.

"Hey don't cry, maybe you are just so independent and strong that people know you would be good and safe wherever you are", she looked at him with a questionable expression and he nodded in assurance. She wiped her face and got up and went inside the washroom to change and came outside wondering why he bought her this particular clothing. He explained that she was wearing a similar t-shirt and jeans that night of the accident so he didn't know what else would be better, which made her sure of one thing of her past self that her fashion sense wasn't very great. She gathered her stuff and got out of there and stood outside and resolved to reach the address printed on her license as it seemed the only right choice, she wasn't sure of anything else as her mobile wasn't even working. Mark asked her one more time if she needed any help but she refused him politely and thanked him again for all that he did for her. She also felt agitated at her situation for not being able to thank him properly as all she wanted now was to rush home as soon she could. She did so by getting into a taxi and took off.

Mark stood there and watched her go, and turned around to go to the parking lot.

After a few minutes the driver dropped her at an apartment building, Kathy looked at it with no recollection of her living there. She reached the apartment number in her address and unlocked her door from the keys found in her bag.

What she saw inside was apparently her house where she had lived for how many years she didn't know. She walked in her bedroom and the rest of her home and just tried to take in everything for some time. Now, the only thing she determined to do was to get to know her whole life. She was 25 years old which she got from her license so there must have been some achievements, friends, school and college life and set of skills acquired in all this time. How can she bring it all back at once, she was puzzled. Her only hope remaining was that if she sees something related to her old life then maybe her memory comes back. Next morning she went downstairs to the ground floor where the security guard recognized her and asked if she was fine then she went to give her phone for repairing so she could connect with the world.

Two days later, she went to get her phone back only to find it wasn't repaired yet; after returning back she got some mail downstairs, which she took but didn't read as it would make her even more confused. Until now she had examined her whole house; only to find some school and college certificates which revealed her academic records, some work stuff in her laptop which possibly belonged to her office where she worked as an accountant and it left her wondering why they haven't bothered her to ask her to come back after so many days, and lastly she found a photograph of two people, a man and woman which probably were her parents, which after seeing she cried for hours but still she didn't know how to reach out to them. She thought how they would feel after knowing their daughter has lost memories of everything she shared with them. But she told herself to be strong and keep looking for those torn out pages from her blank notebook.

She sat there wondering when her troubles will come to pass and cried her eyes out, again.

A few months later, Mark Rainsford was sitting in a cafe, sipping his coffee then he saw a woman enter the door wearing a blue T- shirt and black jeans, with a hand bag on her shoulder which he was sure he had seen before. It was the same woman he rescued from an accident, it was Kathy. He looked at her hoping she would track him and she did, he waved at her and she walked to his table. He asked her how she was doing and what she was doing here. She told him, she's doing great and has just moved to a new apartment just across the street.

"Really, that's my building too, what a coincidence." He thought how they met again, he looked at her and compared her with the person he saw that night on the road, there was a drastic change in her, and she looked a lot better than before. Kathy told she had just joined a new job as a teacher in a school closer to her new apartment. They both talked for a while, then Mark asked her if she's doing okay with her family as she was very sad that day, and tried cheering her up, “I am sure they all love you, you were worried for nothing".

"No, Actually nobody cares about me, that is why no one was there that day", she said casually sipping her coffee. Then she told him all about how after that accident she had lost her memory and had no contact with anyone of her relatives or friends and was absolutely in despair for a few days but she couldn't trust anyone so she didn't tell anyone about it.

He just saw her in disbelief and asked her how she's managing without her memory and what she's doing for its retrieval and if he can do anything to help. "Maybe it'll sound funny but I don't want my memories back", she said coolly, and Mark did find it funny, he thought she was joking and asked her why would anyone want that, why would anyone want to tear out the first few pages of your life which made who you are today.

Kathy agreed to him that she also was thinking the same for the first few days until she found something, and now she's actually glad that she has lost her past. She took out a diary from her bag and said to him before opening it, “This is my personal diary, I found it hidden behind my bed, I was totally depressed before finding this and my life has changed after reading it. I know it's weird to tell you what's written in it but I think you deserve to know, I owe you for rescuing me and giving me a second chance to live."

He looked at her in amazement, he was partly bewildered and weirdly happy to listen to what she said. He saw her open a diary with some documents in it and she kept aside the papers and saw her read the last written page in it.

"This is my last entry", she started to read, "Dear diary, today I have accepted myself as the biggest loser I know, First I lost the love of my parents because of a man they didn't approve of and I left them to save a marriage which didn't even last because some of my mistakes and also because he was just a bad person which I couldn't recognize at first, of which my parents warned me, now my parents hate me for leaving them and fighting with them and I know, I can't go back to them, which leaves me completely alone and defeated. But that wasn't enough so I got fired from my job today because my depression and problems are none of my company's business. I don't even know what am I going to do next, I have no friends, no person whom I can go to for help, because people only care about themselves and mostly when someone is in need. After a few days, I don't think I will be able to afford this apartment or my daily wages. I have no idea or energy to look for another job. I don't think I can live like this anymore, I am done and am sorry", she closed the diary, and after a few moments of silence she looked into his eyes with a smile on her face". This entry is from the day, I got into the accident, and these are my divorce papers……. I didn't get in front of the car out of mistake;...I went there to kill myself"

"Now, that I do know what happened but I don't feel the agony and regret of all that, so now I can begin my life with a new page..... thanks"