As Genius as The Invention of Sliced Bread

Buried deep within the dense concrete jungle, a small building lies surrounded by tall towers. In contrast to its contemporaries, it is in great need of repair. Within this decrepit building, however, sits a large and immaculately clean laboratory. Perfectly sterile. Bright and white. Shiny silver machines with colourful blinking lights are dotted throughout, creating a labyrinth of narrow pathways that all interconnect like a tangled web. Aside from the quiet humming from the machines, the room is quiet. Frozen within time.

Suddenly, the silence is broken by the mighty SLAM of the lab’s doors flying wide open. Waxberg strode into the room with incredible confidence. He adjusted his monocle and wiped off some dust from his tweed blazer. Waxberg is a man who looks far older than he actually is; he intentionally grew a large curly moustache to make himself appear smarter, he wears all his clothes in a size slightly too small so it highlights his thin stature, and he dyed all his hair grey to allow him to stand out to his peers. 

“Come!” he shouted behind him, his voice covered in a thick, and clearly fictitious, posh British accent. 

Jeeves, a young man in his twenties, runs behind Waxberg, his white lab coat fluttering behind him. Jeeves is small, weak and cowardly  - the perfect pawn for Waxberg to use. 

“Sir…” Jeeves said as he adjusted his large black spectacles, “are you certain about this?”

“Why, I’ve never been so certain, my boy. Once I’m done with this latest invention, I’ll be remembered as the greatest investor of all time!”

Waxberg strode through the twists and turns of the lab. They stop in front of a large machine covered by a white cloth. Waxberg strokes his moustache and puts his large brown goggles onto the top of his head. He grabs a corner of the cloth with both hands and triumphantly throws it off, revealing the golden machine.

“Presenting… my time machine!”

“Amazing, sir,” gasped Jeeves, still trying to catch his breath.

“Feeling tired, Jeeves?”

“Yes, sorry sir. Just getting used to the clocks going forwards. Has really thrown me for a loop.”

“Well stop breathing like that, it’s distracting,” Waxberg groaned. 

“Sorry, sir.”

“Anyway, this invention isn’t the thing that’ll make me famous. It’s what I’ll do with it.”

“Travel in time, sir?” Jeeves questioned meekly. 

“That’s step one of the plan, yes. I intend to travel forwards into the past, whereupon I’ll create something the primitive world has never seen before, and thusly be remembered as the most genius man alive!” Waxberg chortled.

“Forwards into the past. Sir?" 

This wasn't the first time Jeeves had questioned Waxberg, but this idea certainly was a different one from the usual insanity. 

“Well, it’s obvious. To travel backwards in time, you must travel… forwards,” Waxberg stated plainly. 

“I’m sorry, sir. I’m afraid I don’t follow. "

“Must I have to explain everything about everything to you, Jeeves? Honestly. I expected better from you,” grumbled Waxberg.

Waxberg reaches up and pulls down a board from the ceiling, which he clearly prepared before this moment. On the board are various notes attached to a circle. 

“Despite all of my research and attempts, it is entirely impossible to send a person back in time. In fact, most experiments I have conducted have resulted in all subjects being subject to acts of spontaneous combustion. Trust me, I’ve tried everything. I’ve sent money, books, bricks, blankets, deodorant, multiple people, ironing boards and glasses of water, to name a few.”

“I-I’m sorry sir, but what was that about people?”

“The only things which have not combusted are my machine itself and bananas. Unfortunately, I hate bananas so this information is useless to me. However!" Waxberg pointed dramatically at the machine. 

"I know for a fact that it is possible to send people and objects into the future with ease!” 

“Genius, sir!”

“Thank you. In fact, it was your own bed, and you, which tested it for me.”

“I’m sorry, sir?”

“Yes, I probably should have mentioned daylight savings is actually next week. But I digress.”

Waxberg pulls out a large stick from his trouser leg and points to the circle on the board.

“Since it is impossible to go back in time, you must go forwards in time so much that you loop back around into what we would consider the past. Time is cyclical, so once this timeline’s expiration date is passed, all of creation is reset, made the exact same - with only one or two small alterations between timelines, presumably. I’ll make the changes I want in the past of the second timeline, then jump back to this exact same point in time, now famous and revered as a genius!”

“But sir, if you travel in time, won’t you just encounter yourself from the second timeline?”

“Nonsense. Weren’t you listening, Jeeves? With subtle exceptions, the timelines are almost identical. So I’ll be arriving into the second timeline just as the second timeline version of me leaps into the third timeline. Rudimentary. It’s not rocket science. It’s just time travel.”

Waxberg leaps into his machine and puts on his goggles.

“Sir…” said Jeeves in the same annoying, repetitive voice.

“What if other people get ahold of this time travel technology and use it for themselves?! Couldn’t that lead to terrible, world-altering events?”

“Nope. Solved that too, young boy. I’ve already patented my invention. And anyone who wishes to purchase permission to create their own version much pay an uncomfortable fee.”

“Uncomfortable?”

“Yes, a price that is not so cheap that any idiot could buy it, but also not so expensive that people will think it’s the real deal. It’s like when you go online to buy a guitar for the first. You’re not so invested enough in it playing it yet that you want to buy an expensive one, but also don’t hold yourself to such a low standard that you’d buy a barely-functioning one for cheap.”

“Sir?” whispered Jeeves. Waxberg looks off into the distance, lost in a trance.

“It’s a whole conspiracy by the music industry, I don’t have time to get into it all now, Jeeves, but it’s just their way of making normal people think that musicians are real people and not A.I created by the giant corporations.”

“Sir!” shouted Jeeves, snapping Waxberg out of his delusions.

“Sorry, Jeeves. I let those awful three years of music theory I studied in collage get in my way again.”

Waxberg shakes his head and begins tapping away at buttons on the time machine.

“Well, I’m off, Jeeves! When I go back in time, I’ll be the one quoted as the most genius inventor of all time. Yes, I shall become the inventor of sliced bread!”.

With confidence in his voice and a smile on his face, Waxberg presses the button and the machine explodes into a ball of white light, disappearing from the room.

Moments later, in the second timeline, which looks identical to the first, Waxberg reappears in another ball of light. He jumps out of his machine, a giant grin across his face.

“How did the whole bread thing go, sir?” 

“Oh, I think it went absolutely amazing, Second Timeline Jeeves! I must say, I am absolutely ecstatic. I went up to all well-known bread makers of their time - who I suppose these days would just be a couple of regular farmers - and presented them my genius invention of sliced bread. I’m going to go outside now and be recognized for my intellect. Where’s the nearest restaurant, my good lad?”

“I think there’s a burger place just around the corner, sir.”

“Fabulous! I will be but a moment!”

Waxberg runs out of the lab swiftly.

Waxberg waits excitedly in line of a fast-food burger restaurant, giddy with anticipation. Each step closer to the front brings him childlike glee. As he gets to the front of the line, a slothful employee looks at him with dread. 

"What can I get you, sir? They ask lazily. 

"My good lad, do you happen to serve sandwiches at this fine establishment?" 

"You mean a burger? Yeah, we got them."

"Ooh, yes, one of those, please!" Waxberg squeals with delight. 

However, despite Waxberg's excitement, what greets him when his order is delivered sends a chill down his spine. He received a burger bun, not sliced in the middle, and a piece of meat sat atop it. 

"What the blazes is this?!" He shouts angrily, “Haven’t you ever heard of a sandwich?!”

"Obviously, mate," the employee responds with contempt. 

"Well, show me, sir, for I believe you do not!" 

The employee sighs and lazily makes a sandwich in front of the Waxberg by putting jam and butter onto the top of an entire loaf of bread and eating it whole. 

“That’s absolutely insane. Have you not thought about making it with sliced bread?!”

All the staff and customers all pause and look at Waxberg with disgust. The young employee is insulted. 

“Are you calling us idiots?”

“Whatever do you mean?” Waxberg asks. 

“Obviously, calling someone a maker of sliced bread is an insult. Everyone knows the story. The one time someone tried it they did such a laughably terrible job demonstrating it, that nobody wanted to try it again for risk of looking like a complete idiot. Just like the saying, you're as idiotic as the invention of sliced bread.”

“No, no, no! But I am the inventor of sliced bread!” Waxberg cried desperately. 

“For real?”

“Yes! I went through this whole ordeal to do so. I made the slices and demonstrated it with a 30-page slideshow and a 10,000-word essay! It's true! "

Everyone bursts out laughing at Waxberg. 

"You must be a bigger piece of sliced bread than we thought old man," laughs the employee. Like a child, Waxberg runs out of the building upset. 

In the corner of the lab, Waxberg is hunched up, crying. 

He didn't understand what went wrong. Was it the way he looked? The way he spoke? The goody bag filled with bread loaves that upon retrospect may have seemed like an insane thing to randomly give out? Most likely they were just taken aback by how sophisticated his clothes were in comparison.  Jeeves crept up to Waxberg, concerned for the sanity of his boss. 

"Sir?" he whispered. 

Waxberg leaps up in fright, letting out a high pitch squeal. 

"Oh, Second Timeline Jeeves.” he groaned. 

“I'd consider this experiment a complete and utter failure. I'm remembered as nothing but a fool,” He sighed. 

"Good thing I have this button that lets me jump back to the other timeline."

He sighed even deeper. He takes one last lazy gaze over towards Jeeves.

"Farewell, Second Timeline Jeeves. Enjoy your bread," he said with disdain before disappearing in a flash of light.

For a single moment, the world was at peace. Jeeves was at peace. He began to reflect on how his boss is a complete lunatic and how he started to regret the life choices that led him to this moment. But before he could finish that thought, another flash exploded and the time machine and Waxberg reappeared. 

"Hello, My Timeline Jeeves" sighed Second Timeline Waxberg. 

"How did it go, sir?" 

"My unsliced bread invention was a complete failure. They began cutting up the loaf to mock me! And they preferred it!" Second Timeline Waxberg scoffed.

"That sounds very stupid, sir."

"Trust me. It was. As stupid as the invention of sliced bread."