May every Sunrise bring me Hope

I have never felt more alive than when I watch the sunrise. Glowing shades of red, orange and yellow reflecting off the rising sun. The radiant colours look so beautiful in this morning's sky.

I'm no artist, but my mind keeps imagining myself painting this scene onto a canvas. It's so beautiful that I feel it has to be recorded, even if it won't be a perfect picture.

I watch the sunrise every day in honour of my mother.

It was her favourite time of day, as well as her name. Shahar. Meaning sunrise, or dawn.

She liked a quote that went with it.

"May every sunrise bring you hope, and may every sunset bring you peace."

She told me she did feel as though sunrise brought her hope, and that sunset brought her peace. I didn't understand it when I was little, but now, at age twelve, it is becoming clearer to me.

Sunrise brings you hope for a new day. Sunset gives you peace at the end of one.

My beautiful, loving mother. Gone simply because of bad luck.

***

Should you be guilty if you've survived something someone else didn't?

My mother, who probably deserved to live more than me, died in a car accident I was only injured in.

After suffering from a major concussion, two fractured wrists, and eleven stitches in my left cheek it was two days before my father stopped telling me lies and gave me the truth about where my mother was.

She was dead. And it was all a stranger's fault.

You never let a drunk driver on the road.

All I remember is bright headlights, a car swerving into us, and hitting my head on something and falling unconscious. And then waking up in the hospital and getting the news two days later.

My kind, patient, loving, amazing mother. Gone forever.

There are no words to express how sad I feel.

***

Today when I watch the sunset I remember my mother.

"Death is not the end," She had said to me once. "It is the beginning of a new life."

I was quite little, too young to understand her words. My Nana had just lost her battle with cancer, my papa had died from a heart attack a few years ago.

"But mommy," My five-year-old self had said. "When Nana and Papa moved on, you cried. And if they're dead, how can they be starting new lives?"

My mother was silent for a few seconds before she spoke.

"My dear Ella," She said softly. "Your Nana and Papa are not gone, they have just moved on to a place in the sky to live new lives. And I cried because I will not see them again for a very long time."

"Until you die, mommy?"

"Yes Ella, until I die."

"But you said Nana and Papa aren't dead!"

I was almost in tears after hearing that they were still alive.

"No, I said they aren't gone. They have died in this life but they will still be alive and well when they enter the place in the clouds. Then when you go there, you will be able to see them!"

"When will I go to the place in the clouds, mommy?"

"I don't know, Ella. Death cannot be predicted, only estimated according to someone's health and the dangers they put themselves in."

"Okay mommy." I said.

"Ella, I want you to promise me something. Promise me that no matter what happens to you, you'll never forget what I just said. Do you promise Ella?"

"I promise mommy."

"I love you, Ella."

"I love you too, mommy."

To be honest, I'm surprised I still remember that. But I've always had an excellent memory.

Our family isn't religious, but my mother believed in heaven and was trying to get me to do the same.

However she could ever convince me there was a place in the clouds. And I promised her I'd remember what she said, not that I'd believe it.

Maybe my mother talked about heaven and told me she believed in it to convince herself it was real. I can wish it was real, but reality is that there is no such place in the sky.

However I won't criticize my mother's decision. She lost both her mother and father in the same five years. I can't even imagine how hard that would have been for her. I've only lost one parent and I feel like there's no reason left for me to live.

But I suppose I was hers. Her wonderful daughter Ella. Her beautiful little girl.

I should probably feel special, but I don't.

Because I'm the reason my mother is dead. I'm the reason she was out driving that night.

***

Sometimes I can hear the lyrics of a song I like playing in my head.

I've seen fire and I've seen rain

I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end

I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend

But I always thought that I'd see you again

Fire and Rain by James Taylor. These words echo over and over in my head.

But I always thought that I'd see you again

I did. I never expected my mother to die that young. With her health, she could've lived to be ninety. But there are two ways to estimate death, and one is the dangers you put yourself in. And maybe driving all the time was a dangerous thing for her. 

If she didn't have me, would she have driven less? Yes. Do I feel guilty about it? Yes. Can I do anything about it? No, because she's already dead. 

But she chose to have a child. And she had to face the consequences of that. Because now she's dead. 

***

I do wish heaven was real. If it was, I could see my mother again. Or at least know that she isn't dead right now.

But I always thought that I'd see you again

I did. I really did.

I've seen fire and I've seen rain

I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end

I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend

But I always thought that I'd see you again

So may every sunrise bring me hope. Hope that heaven is real. And hope that I will see my mother again.