I Have To.

April 10th, 2021

Dear Diary,

How do you know when it's time to say goodbye? Do you just wake up one day and decide that in order to be happy you have to let go of something? What if, the one thing that makes you happy, is also what's destroying you? I remember when we were little, playing at our favorite park everyday, staying out until the streetlights came on, and wishing we had more time to just, be together. In fact, as all these memories come flooding back, I'm realizing that I don't ever remember a time where I didn't have him. Which is yet another reason leaving is going to be so hard. The fact I've always had him is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because we've gotten to crate memories that will last forever and we've formed a bond un-comparable to any other. But, a curse because we've never been without each other, which in a way, sets us both up for failure and applies too much pressure on us to stay together. I think we've always known that we wouldn't be together forever, just because of the negative connotations put on young love. We grew up hearing that we were too young to know what love was. But, is there a certain age you have to be to truly know what love is? Do you just magically know what to look for one day? I don't think there is a set definition on love. I think it's all about who the love is between. Love is different for everyone. Anyway, I need to go to bed.

April 11th, 2021

Dear Diary,

After sleeping for 12 hours, it is now 3 in the afternoon. Obviously, I sept very long and hard on the situation and what I'm going to do. Me, being the non-confrontational woman that I am, have decided that I want to be a terrible person, and text him that I can't keep doing this. As I am quite literally in the middle of texting him, my mother calls. She calls with something she could've texted in 6 words. No Mom, I don't know what I want for dinner. So after finally getting off the phone with her, I resume my long thought out text to him. But before I could hit send, my phone, had the nerve to die on me. At this point, I don't even know if this is what I want to do anymore. But, I remembered why I felt the need to in the first place, and it's made me plug my phone in, and start retyping the long and well thought-out break-up text. Hoping there's no more distractions so I can get this over with, I start to read over everything I had typed in this text to make sure I sounded direct with what I was trying to say. I go to hit send as someone barges in my room, causing me to drop my phone on the floor. Next thing you know, I'm being thrown around my own bedroom, in my own house, by none other than my crazy big brother who has just returned home from the military. Out of all days, of all hours, minutes, and seconds. He chose this exact moment to just show up. Now, I probably sound like an awful younger sister but if you were trying to break up with your boyfriend of 7 years over text wouldn't you be just as irritated? I don't know why I act as if I'm talking to someone. I'm writing in a DIARY for crying out loud. How pathetic of me. Anyway, I guess I should stop trying for the day because every minor inconvenience that could've happe

April 12th, 2021

Hi again,

Oh yeah, as if yesterday couldn't have been any worse. My pen died as I was closing off yesterdays entry. Is the universe trying to tell me something here? Because if that's the case, it's doing a very good job at annoying me. Before I go into a spiraling rant about pens and why they run out, let's change the subject. I thought some more about the situation with him. All those times I tried to send the same message but kept getting interrupted made me think. Maybe I am making the wrong decision. Maybe the universe is telling me to just stick it out a little while longer. How do I know when to listen to the universe? I sound absolutely crazy, god forbid anyone ever find and read this book. Anyway, Mom says I need to do schoolwork so I can get caught up. That's probably what I'll spend the next few days doing, so I can keep her happy and away. I'll write in a few days. Goodnight.

April 13th, 2021

I don't even have time for a proper entry! He's coming over today, I forgot about this stupid dinner with our families since my brother came home. Have to hide this book FOREVER! Bye now!

April 15th, 2021

Dear Diary,

I have had the worst 2 days. I spent most, if not all of yesterday crying. It turns out that as I was downstairs being forced to socialize with our families, he was upstairs putting his nose where it didn't belong, and by that I mean, in my room. I don't exactly know what he was doing in my room, what he was looking for, but he found this horrid diary. He read everything. Right when I was coming to my senses about staying with him, he found and read all of the horrible things I wrote in here. I'm so conflicted, I don't know whether I should be mad at him or myself. He did invade my privacy by reading my diary, but then again, if I hadn't written those things, he would have had nothing to read. I think that it's over. But only this time, it wasn't my choice. I think it's time I let go of what's really keeping me from moving on. This diary I've had for so long. Funny how things change. Bye, forever.

-Cheyenne