A Card For You

"It’s mine, and you can't have it" as she banged on my ankles with her walking cane. I laugh when I think back..my goodness I need help.

It's 8pm as I sit at my desk looking at a credit card charge notification on my phone from Macy's while Cheeseburger my dog stares at me with a dumb grin, mustard still on his face. I only chuckle as I put the ice pack down and gently touch the lump on my forehead to see how big it was. I then placed my hands on the keyboard and thought..."I sure hope my customer appreciates this" and started to type

Dear Frank,

I wanted to put in the mail today a hand written Thank You/Holiday card expressing how much I appreciate you being my customer. Knowing how tough a year it has been, I wanted to take my time and really express my gratitude with something more then a simple thank you written on a card that will be sent out in mass this year.

So my wife and I went to Walmart and while she was shopping, I went straight to the greeting card aisle to find you a card. However, being as neurotic as I am, I had to find the “Perfect” card for you and with all the other holiday shoppers doing the same…. inventory was slim and let’s just say things got a little competitive. Now, I don’t know how much time actually passed but all of a sudden I heard my wife screaming my name from down the lisle and that’s when I became aware that I was boxing out a gray haired old lady with my right hip and forearm while holding a card with my left hand yelling “Go away you fossil.. I found it first! It’s mine, and you can't have it as she banged on my ankles with her walking cane. Now, my wife being the adult in the marriage grabbed me by my ear took the card away and apologetically gave it back to the old lady…(apparently her name is Ruth) then turned to me with disgust and said “you Idiot” just give them that, pointing to Giant Holiday Card right at the end of the aisle. What would I do without her?

So after some ridicule, signatures and photos in the security office we got to leave Walmart. Once home I went to the fridge, made me a ham sandwich on rye with mustard, poured me a glass of milk, then sat down at my desk with the Giant Holiday Card and started to write.

Well wouldn’t you know, I haven’t hand written an actual letter since 7th grade and I kept writing in this mixture of cursive and printing which resembled something similar to Hieroglyphics and I ruined the Giant Holiday Card. Frustrated and angry, I bribed my wife with new shoes to go back and get me another card (since I am not allowed in Walmart for 6 months) and made the decision to just stick with printing.

 Sure enough, just as I started to write, I developed a case of writer's block and ended up sitting at my desk for 40 minutes mumbling to myself like the village idiot and wondering if the ocean didn’t have sponges would it be deeper. Glad to say, I pulled through and words of gratitude began to flow off my pen with such fondness it would have brought tears to a unicorn. Once finished, I gave it a proof read admiring my talents and to my horror….. I spelled sincerely wrong.

 Now, I have to be honest I did consider just leaving it and hoping it would be missed but considering you would be displaying the Giant Holiday Card at your desk with pride for everyone to see, there was a good chance people would notice. So…I carefully tried to convert the A to an E but that ended up turning it into a scribbled ink mess in the middle of sincerely and that was not going to fly. Out of cards and out of options I had to resort to the dreaded white out. As I reached across my desk to grab it; wouldn’t you know it…mustard from my ham sandwich got on the sleeve of my shirt and then ended up right in the middle of your card.

Frustrated, yet determined to not let this card go to waste, I had to come up with a solution. Then, like an old shoe upside the head it hit me….I would draw pictures. The yellow mustard could be the sun, I would add some grass and clouds, maybe a stick figure of me and my stick figure wife holding hands… It was the perfect solution. So I jumped from my chair and raced to my arts and crafts box to get the supplies. Once back to my desk....wouldn't you know it.... the blue marker was dry and the green appeared to have been chewed on by a small mammal of some sort. I was so upset at this point I slammed my fists on the desk causing me to spill my glass of milk right on the card. In my attempt react to the milk I ended up knocking the very ham sandwich that caused this right on the floor. Well, being a firm believer in the 5 second rule after seeing MythBusters and attempting to beat our Bulldog Cheeseburger to it. I immediately bent down to grab it and smacked my forehead right on the desk.

This has been a very stressful experience for me. I am banned from Walmart, my wife has my credit card and new shoes, there are mustard stains on my shirt, spilled milk on my desk, I'm hungry and the dog ate my sandwich and now I don't have a card for you. Not to mention there is a Looney Toons lump on my forehead.

So please maybe you will find it in your heart to accept this email as your Holiday Card simply saying thank you for being my customer. I hope this brings a smile to your face as you are very appreciated. And though I don’t have an actual card …..isn’t it really the thought that counts.