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Submitted to: Contest #58
Written in response to: "Write about a character who’s stuck in an elevator when the power goes out."
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2 comments
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Hi! Here from the critique circle!
So here's my critique.
You have a great, clean little story here. Now take it further. You establish the Jesse character well; right away we get the sense that she has no time for nonsense, and getting stuck on an elevator is definitely nonsense. But then in just a few sentences your objective (the characters getting together) is met. I think your stakes are too low. Maybe she and Conner don't get along right away? Maybe she's annoyed that Conner would be having a panic attack. I would have liked to see a little more tension in the interactions between them.
Also, be aware of using a passive voice. The lines "the elevator doors had been pried open by management" and "numbers were exchanged and a date was set" stand out. You don't do that a lot, so when you did it took me out of the story for a second.
You say in your bio that you welcome critique, so I hope I'm not overstepping. I know that I HATE when people read my stories and hit the "like" button and peace out. It's like, I'm here to get better!! Give me feedback!! :)
You have a really sweet, simple writing style that will serve you well, especially if you continue to write character-driven love stories like this one. I look forward to reading more!
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Thank you for the feedback! The only way you could overstep is if you cursed at me a bunch lol. I will take what you said to heart and try to incorporate more of it into my writing. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing, it means a lot to me :)
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