Control

Suitcase in hand, you head to the station feeling your anxiety subside. You finally left him. Not just him, but everything else that you had built for so long. You were leaving behind everything that you had been taught, learnt and experienced. For anybody else it wouldn’t have been this hard, but for you it was psychotic. You disliked anything new, or change. You liked a routine. It kept you calm. Kept you from having a break down.

           Becoming an orphan at such a young age, life had already dealt you a complicated blank card. You could either be a rebel and let life control you or be an intelligent innocent girl so you could control your life. You never appeared a threat to anyone with your innocent, girl next door looks. But no one knew about your addiction. An addiction which many people crave but only few can master it. An addiction to be in control.

           It was hard to stay in control of your life until you were considered legally adult, but after that it was a piece of cake with your careful, collective brain. You just don’t put yourself in situations where there were lots of variables you couldn’t control. Hence when he approached you, you knew from the first day you would include him in your little life. He was very sweet and a perfect gentleman. So, it wasn’t exactly hard to control the variables. He was like a breath of fresh air to you.

           Walking into the station you sit on a seat at the back where you could blend easily and observe. It was how you took control. Observe everything and everyone, smallest of thing only then could you have control. Sitting here you remember how you first met him.

           It was a fine summer morning. You were walking towards your little bookstore with your coffee in hand. You walk and observe the same people walking towards their work. Few of them occasionally nodding at you in acknowledgment. You smile and nod back. You had not thought that a handsome stranger would disturb your controlled little routine.

           As you near your store, you see a man in his mid 20’s standing in front of your store and looking at it threw the glass.

“Hi, Can I help you?” You say smiling at him.

“Hi, are you the store owner?”

After he introduced himself you felt your anxiety creeping in. You are not used to meeting new people, especially one who looked as good as him. He kept talking, and you smiled at him but internally you were trying to control your breathing. In the next few months you had gone on a few dates with him. He had made himself so important in your life that you couldn’t let him go. Soon you both moved in together. It was hard initially having a variable constantly disrupting your control. But you took it up as beautiful challenge. He helped you threw it as well. He understood your need to be in control. He’d never mind. He liked not having to make decisions in life. That was 8 years ago. He was now an important part of your little controlled environment.

           You never talked about a child. He wasn’t ready for it, and honestly a child was too much of a complicated variable. You were happy and content with how the things were. But then he had to go and add another variable that you couldn’t control. A variable which looked like a beautiful red head in her early 20’s. You and he together had built a small IT firm where he took care about the tech and you took care of the finances. It was easy you didn’t have to deal with many people. All the meetings and people he took care of it. You had found out in your early days together; he was a people person. Everybody loved him. The love for him overshadowed your own shortcomings. You didn’t mind as long as you din’t lose control on anything.

           But your little environment started to crumble soon after the red head joined your firm as his secretary. You had no control over her, and you were losing control over him. He had started lying. You knew there was a change coming soon. You were preparing for it. You had never loved anyone up until he came into your life. You had loved him. You had felt yourself sometimes losing little control, all in the name of love. Those little changes you had incorporated into her life were all for love. When you found out about his infidelity, you faced an emotion you never expected to feel. Wasn’t all this control only to not feel this particular emotion? Hurt? You were hurt. You felt betrayed. You were angry. You were distraught. But you couldn’t show these emotions. Because showing them meant acknowledging them and ones you did, you would lose what little control you had left.

           You spent most of your time thinking your next move. You knew you had to let him go. You could either have him or your control. You could no longer control him. You had been a perfect girlfriend and a perfect wife and yet he had to go and ruin everything. Often he had been told how luck he was. You had to choose what you wanted. You had chosen both, you wanted control and him. A choice which was made for you when you heard him talking on the phone late one night. He had chosen you over her. The read little variable had the audacity to ask him to leave you for her. He told her he couldn’t. Because he loved you and they were a mistake. You should have felt happy and in control again, but you didn’t.

That is when you made a decision. You had become so used to him in your life that you couldn’t think of a life without him. You had realized that was the first mistake you did all those years before. As long you didn’t have anyone you were in control. But you had grown to love him. And he had hurt you. You knew he had become too much of a variable. Because you knew ‘Ones a cheater, always a cheater’. He would find another beautiful, younger girl to cheat with. You couldn’t lose your control again.

           So, you had planned everything. The perk on being a keen observer and a control addict is you make a plan so fool proof that there are no loopholes. Your decision was made. You couldn’t ever lose control or him. You have been planning this for so long. You couldn’t let him cheat on you again. You couldn’t let him go, and you couldn’t let lose control over him.

           So, you saw his health starting to deteriorate slowly in front of your eyes. He was becoming weaker as days passed. The doctors had no idea what was causing it. You saw him become more complaint than ever. He was completely dependent on you. You controlled when he took his last breath. This new feeling of control was more addictive. His slow death had given you enough time to make the little changes that were needed, to have control in your life again. You didn’t mind spending most of the money both of you had earned on his health as long as it fueled your hunger. You hunger for control. But you had finally decided. You needed more control. Like any other addiction, you needed more.

           So here you are sitting in the station and waiting. Looking for someone to satiate your addiction. You were waiting and when your eye fell on a handsome blonde by the ice cream store. You smiled. You felt your phone vibrate. It was a call from your lawyer.

“Hello”

“Hi, All your money from the insurance and from selling the company have been transferred to your account.”

“Thank you”

You looked at the message you received from the bank. All your money was safely deposited. You walk to the garbage bin pulled out the sim, and through your phone in the bin. You then walk toward you new source addiction. You could already feel a high as you walked towards him.

“Hi.” You say shyly.

“Hi.” He said smiling

“I like your tattoo. I am sorry. I just noticed it. Umm I am sorry this is embarrassing.” You say walking away.

“Hey, wait what is your name?”

You smiled inside, looking at his Tattoo.

"Control your own destiny, or someone."