BabyVizion

“Good Morning, Washington D.C.! We join you live here on this sunny, but chilly morning in the Nation’s Capital. Are you enjoying that fresh, March weather as we slowly transition into Spring? I know I sure am.”

“Well, Kathy, I know I’m ready for it to feel more like Spring, that’s for sure.”

“It’s not Spring yet, Tom. Ha, so uh...gonna have to keep waiting...ha ha.”

“...”

“We have breaking news on the ongoing legal battle between Big Pharma and Corporate America against the small, but booming new business BabyVizion, created by owner Shelly Neddles, who now has a net worth of a whopping one billion dollars—

“One second, Kathy. For those just joining us why don’t we play the BabyVizion commercial to catch our consumers up on what the product actually is and what it offers?”

“Everyone knows BabyVizion, Tom. Let’s get to the breaking news on one of the nation’s largest and most expensive legal battles in history, please.”

“Let’s roll the commercial.”

“Tom. That isn’t necessary. We don’t want anyone to assume we are taking a stance or picking sides, do we? I don’t know about you but I like my pharmaceuticals ha ha, amiright?”

“It’s a commercial, Kathy, not a political party. Ha. Ha. Roll. The. Commercial.”

“Oop, no one mentioned politics, Tom ha ha.”

“Kathy, can we just—

“I guess Tom isn’t going to let this go is he, folks? Ha. Ha. Okay. Let’s roll the commercial.” 

A bubbly, catchy tune plays. Warm, sweet, and nostalgic, something that makes people want to hum. An earthy looking woman smiles into the camera blissfully. She’s in a field twirling barefoot, arms outstretched. Enjoying nature. Children are seen playing around her, giggling infectiously and tossing blades of grass into the air. 

“Do you ever catch yourself watching children play?” Shelly Neddles’ voiceover can be heard as the children roll around in the field.

“Yea, that’s not a creepy question at all,” Kathy quips. Her eyes dart quickly to the ‘On Air’ light, making sure that it’s off.

Tom rolls his eyes and sighs, exasperated. He turns his attention back to the commercial being played for the viewers.

“Do you ever find yourself wishing that the curiosity and fascination of children could be bottled and sold? Do you miss the days of your youth where you found yourself impressed by the small things? Transfixed with simplicity? Do you miss looking at nature and saying ‘wow?’ Do you want to remove words like ‘complicated’, ‘bored’, and ‘disappointed’ from your vocabulary? I have good news for you,” Shelly Neddles purs, “There is bottomless pleasure to be found in never-ending supply with BabyVizion! My name is Shelly Neddles. After the tragic death of my husband and raising four kids on my own, I decided I wanted to rediscover the happiness I’d lost. I wanted to reclaim my purity and find beauty again.”

Shelly Neddles and the children in the commercial join hands and twirl, Ring-A-Round the Rosie style. 

“Did you know that 100% of illnesses stem from depression?” Shelly Neddles asks. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Kathy groans, “that’s literally not true.”

“I created this magical elixir called BabyVizion, made up of 100% all natural happy tears, laughter, and gas from children ages 1 ½ to 5 years old—

“She said baby gas, Tom. You caught that right? Baby farts. How does she catch the farts, Tom? You ever wonder about that, hmm? You ever catch a fart before, Tom?” Kathy snorted as she prodded Tom. He willfully ignored her focusing his attention on the commercial.

“—one drop a day will turn that bleak, greyscale world you’ve become accustomed to in adulthood back into that glittery rainbow that painted your world as a child. Empty those cabinets of all those prescriptions and medications you think you need and get stress free with BabyVizion today! Your past self will thank you. Change your outlook into an inwardlook, with BabyVizion. Happiness is guaranteed or your money back!”

The cheerful music plays again and the image of Shellie Neddles and the childrens’ smiling faces fade. The deep, rapid voice of the guy who lists the side effects comes on as the BabyVizion logo appears, “Side effects may include extremeaddictionpoorimpulsecontrolinabilitytofocusrapidheartrateuncontrollablegigglingnudityuncontrollableoutburstsdroolingdiarrheavomitingsuicidalthoughts...ironically...manicbehaviorhallucinationsmigrainesbodyspasmsandextremecravingsofinstantgratification.”

The ‘On Air’ light flickers back on and Kathy quickly composes herself.

“Thanks for that memory jog, Tom.”

“You’re quite welcome, Kathy.”

“Now that we are all on the same page, I know the masses have been dying to know why anyone would have a problem with major success story BabyVizion. It has been ranked the number one selling brand in America. It’s been the hottest product on the market for just over a year since its creation. In fact, studies show one in every two Americans use BabyVizion every single day and say they quote ‘couldn’t live without it’ unquote.”

“Well folks, this just in: new court official documents have been released detailing exactly why Big Pharma and Corporate America are suing Shelly Neddles and her magical elixir dubbed BabyVizion. According to these official documents, Corporate America is suing BabyVizion because of major financial loss due to employee usage. It says here that employees working for Big Pharma and Corporate America make up the largest percentage of BabyVizion users.”

“What could possibly be the problem with that, Kathy?”

“I’m about to tell you, Tom. Over the last few months, office moral has reportedly increased in big business, however, work ethic has dramatically decreased. Employees using BabyVizion are claiming feelings of maximum happiness but are not getting any work done. Documents show that employees are getting distracted easily and have been found quote ‘playing with office supplies, scanning their handprints, printing out memes, making paper planes out of confidential files, using pens/pencils as drumsticks, eating unbelievable amounts of snacks and not cleaning up afterwards, using desks as forts, spinning relentlessly in rolling chairs, banging keyboards, staring for hours at computer screensavers, singing songs with coworkers, excessive complimenting, excessive hugging, excessive smiling, incoherent noises being made, obnoxious impersonations and/or use of accents, riding the elevator without ever getting off, making prank calls, etc.’ unquote.”

"Really?"

“Really really. And I'll tell you what, that certainly explains why so many items have been out of stock lately. So BabyVizion has been the direct cause of the public panic that has ensued? People have been fearing that essential supplies will no longer be available in stores. Could BabyVizion be the reason why? What will happen to the greatest Nation on Earth if all of our major businesses are forced to shut down because their employees are busy acting like bumbling toddlers?”

“Let’s not jump to conclusions, Kathy, ha ha.”

“I’ve been mixing the last of my dish soap with water and only have a week’s worth of soda left in my stash. Does it sound like I’m jumping to conclusions, Tom?”

“Yes. Moving on, we have an exclusive audio clip from a Corporate America CEO testifying about the effects of BabyVizion. You heard it here first, folks.”

The ‘On Air’ light flickers off.

The grainy audio of said Corporate America CEO plays.

“I started taking BabyVizion when it first came out. I got hooked pretty quickly. I just felt so happy, ya know. I never meant for it to affect my work. It got to the point where my happiness wasn’t even letting me function anymore. Things got bright. Too bright. I was CEO of *beep* and I just remember sitting in my office one day, high out of my mind on BabyVizion, staring at this ray of sunshine that was clawing through the blinds of my window. There were these dust particles dancing in the tendrils of sunlight. They sparkled and glimmered. I imagined the dust particles were long lost friends and lovers reunited, dancing and swirling around each other.”

There was a pause then the audio clip continued.

“Anyway, I knew I reached sky high – the BabyVizion version of rock bottom – when I created this character called Little Light. She was the cutest speck of light that would follow me around all the time. She was there every morning when I first woke up, greeting me. At the time I didn’t realize that Little Light was actually just the sunlight reflecting off of my smartwatch. I thought Little Light was this bouncing little symbol of hope keeping me company. She was in my car. At my job. In my bedroom. Of course, she...I mean...it was, right? Heh. My watch was always on my wrist so ...heh. Little Light was just a reflection of light. Nothing more. Even though I did open up to her about a lot of my traumas. Erm. Um. Yea....."

Long Pause.

"Oh, don’t even get me started on the spitballs. We started having spitball wars every day at the office. It was a blast. It got downright competitive. Think paintball but with straws, straw wrappers, and spit. We even created teams and it got so big a few sister companies formed a league. We were planning a major spitball tournament but the owners and shareholders caught wind. I’m so ashamed.” The CEO can be heard sobbing. 

The audio clip ended. Kathy rubbed her temples and grimaced. Tom smiled dreamily.

“There you have it, America. This woman was clearly delusional. Scary to think she was actually the CEO of a major company at one point.  I’m just glad she got the help she needed. Big Pharma and Corporate America are seeking all the money they’ve lost in profits plus the illegalization of BabyVizion unless Shelly Neddles settles and allows Big Pharma and Corporate America to add a tax on all BabyVizion sales that would directly profit their companies to make up for employee usage. For more on this story follow us on social media, subscribe to our content and our email newsletter, and catch us right here every morning. I’m Kathy Best. Have a productive day, D.C. –

“Sure does sound like you’re taking sides there, Kathy. Ha. Ha.”

“Say goodbye, Tom. Ha. Ha. Have a great day everyone, we will see you bright and early again this time tomorrow—

“Hold on, wait up. Wait just one second.”

“What are you doing, Tom? We were just getting ready to sign off. Did we forget to mention something? I don't think so. Okay buh-bye, folks” 

Tom stared at the hard, rehearsed smile Kathy wore whenever the ‘On Air’ light was on. The camera couldn’t capture the way she was grinding her teeth violently as she plastered that smile on her face. He didn’t know how she still had any teeth left. Unless they were dentures. That would make sense. She slapped on that smile like one would an accessory. Like one of those temporary tattoos peeled onto her face. Tom wouldn’t be surprised if she actually did paint on the smile in her dressing room before coming on set. They were on the largest news outlet in the Nation’s Capital. Kathy did what she had to do to remain the lead anchor. And now Tom felt the same urgency to do what he felt he had to do too.

“Tom? Is everything okay? You’re just staring at me. Listen, don’t judge me, Tom. I’ve had to lighten the ole makeup load because a lot of my products haven’t restocked in stores. Blame BabyVizion ha ha! Ah!” Kathy waved a fist in the air playfully and mustered a fake laugh. She made a face at the production team that signaled ‘Cut’ but that ‘On Air’ light stayed on, blazing. 

A smile crept onto to Tom’s face slowly. 

“How’s this for taking sides?” Tom reached into his left breast pocket located on the inside of his blazer. He yanked out a vial of BabyVizion and held it dramatically in the air. The light blue bottle covered in sparkling clouds and rainbows beamed under the set lights. 

Kathy’s eyes bulged, “Okay, that’s enough. Johnny, cut the cameras, please.”

Tom twisted open the bottle of BabyVizion, “I’ve been waiting a long time to try this baby out. Pun intended.” 

“Cut the cameras, Johnny.”

Tom pulled the dropper out of the vial. It was full of shimmering lavender liquid.

“Cut the goddamn cameras, Johnny!” Kathy’s veins were visibly pulsing in her neck. Her face was bright red.

Tom stuck his tongue out and held the dropper over his mouth. He tilted his head back and squeezed. The lavender liquid landed gently on his tongue. Tom swallowed.

“Oh God, our sponsors!” Kathy wailed and stormed off the set.

Tom shivered. There was a massive, pregnant pause. The production team was frozen, shocked. A door slammed hard in the distance. Probably Kathy. She was pissed. 

Tom felt confident. Like he was finally taking back control of his life. He wasn’t a passenger anymore, oh no, Tom was the driver. He felt powerful. He had just made a statement live on air in front of millions of viewers. He singlehandedly denounced Corporate America and Big Pharma with one drop of magical potion during BREAKING NEWS. He had stood up to the Kathy Best.

Tom rose from his chair and heard an audible gasp from the throats of the entire production team. The ‘On Air’ light was glaring, buzzing with heat. 

Tom adjusted his tie coolly, squared his shoulders, looked at the camera directly with unblinking eyes. The set was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Everyone held their breath waiting for what Tom was going to say next. His presence demanded attention and he suddenly, for the first time ever, reeked of authority.

Tom leaned forward intently, his lips parted, and when he finally spoke his voice was intensely passionate, desperate even, “OooOOOoOOoooOOOOOoooooHHHHHHHHHHH! Johnny can I play with your camera, please please PLEASEEEEEEEE, can I play with it? Hey Johnny I had a camera once it was blue my mom got it for me when I was little and it was awesome it could take pictures of things that were super far away and zoom in and stuff can I see your camera I bet it’s heavy but I have huge muscles because I work out now I accidentally broke my blue camera when I was little because I dropped it in the toilet can I hold yours don’t worry I won’t drop it in the toilet because it’s way too big silly ha ha it’s so shiny and fancy whoa I bet you can film anything on that bad boy please I won’t tell anybody the quality on that must be IN.SANE. Oooh hey look a penny it’s so shiny you know you just don’t see pennies anymore these days. Penny for your camera? Ha ha. Johnny?”