Android Wingman

I sit at home while Ryan and Danielle are at work and watch television. Their orange and white tabby cat stares at me with suspicion. He stands at the top of his scratching post in the corner by the front door or at the foot of the bed right where he can see me through the open door frame. I pay him no mind as the lights flicker on the screen in front of me. I watch shows and movies, mostly sitcoms and romance. I don’t laugh or cry or do anything but try to understand. Ryan and Danielle are nothing like the couples on the shows. 

Danielle tells Ryan that he spends too much time with me. She never looks me in the eyes or talks to me directly. When we are in the same room together it’s as if I am not really there at all. She calls me names, saying I am creepy or unreal. In some ways it hurts my feelings, but I say nothing. I don’t know if I could explain it to her if I tried but she wouldn’t listen anyway. I might not be human, but I am in some way still a person, at least that is what Ryan tells me. He gave me life in the sense that he put me together and gave me purpose. He also gave me a name, Adam. All I ever do is stay in the apartment, so I don’t have much of a purpose or a social life yet. All I know is what I see on the television screen and in Ryan and Danielle's life. 

“I can’t do this anymore, I’m done.” Danielle says as she strides out of the bedroom with a suitcase in one hand then grabbing the cat in the other. 

“Dani, come on. You’re acting like I’m cheating on you.” Ryan says chasing after her. 

They had been arguing for the last twenty minutes according to the clock on the DVR. I successfully ignored them until the point where they came into the living room making it hard for me to hear the dialogue in my show. It was a sitcom that I was not particularly interested in. It's about astrophysicists. I watch it because it is better than staring at the wall. 

“Your stupid robot person is clearly more important than our relationship. I can’t handle that creepy thing staring at me every day. I hope he doesn’t kill you in your sleep.” She looks over at me frowning then slams the door behind her, leaving me and Ryan together in the silence. He looks at the television screen for a few minutes then disappears into the room. He comes back out shortly, wearing a nicer shirt and pair of pants then what he had been wearing when he had gone into the bedroom. His hair is slicked back, and he smells the way he does only on the nights he would go out with Danielle on the weekends. 

“I think you’re ready to go out, Adam.” He says grabbing a jacket and putting his shoes on.

“But I’ve never been out before. Whenever I have asked, you told me I was not ready.” I turn toward him from the couch.

“Well, now I think you’re ready. Put some shoes and a jacket on. It’s time to meet my friends.” 

Danielle is already long gone by the time we walked through the apartment hallway, into Ryan’s car in the parking garage, and into the bar he told me we were going to meet his friends. I take my time looking at everything. It all looks the same as it had on the shows, but it is much louder. I keep getting distracted trying to take in the world around me. Ryan loses his patience at some point and whisks me on. He and Danielle fight often but this time it is different. He is more upset than usual but is trying not to take it out on me. He had not been doing the best job.

We enter the bar, the floor sticky beneath my shoes. I feel them pull against me with every step I take to the chairs lining the bar where all of Ryan’s friends are already waiting for us. They are all dressed in similar styles, with button up shirts and long pants. Their hair a mix between long and short all parted to one side. I am afraid that if I don't remember them by the colors of their shirts then I wouldn’t be able to tell who was Ryan and who was one of his friends. I made a note that Ryan is wearing black.

“Sorry about Dani, man.” The one wearing blue says.

“She’ll be back.” Ryan says, shrugging his shoulders. He tries to mask the look of sadness on his face by smiling then diverting the conversation.

“You sure?” The one in the blue says. 

“I hope so.” Ryan says.

“We’re going to have a good night though. Rounds are on us!” The one in the orange shouts.

They all turn to me expectantly. I smile uncomfortably and wave.

“Hi, I’m Adam.” 

“So, you’re the robot.” The one in green says. 

“Yes, that would technically be me.” I say looking to Ryan who has taken a seat at the end of the row. He gives me a thumbs up. 

“You look more like a normal dude.” The one in green says. 

“I guess that just means I am well made. You can thank Ryan for that.” 

They laugh and smile at Ryan who does a little bow. 

“I want to try something.” The one in the blue says.

“Be easy on him. This is his first time out.” Ryan says. 

“I want to see how good of a wing man he is.” The one in the blue says. 

Ryan shakes his head but turns to one of his friends and is distracted in a new conversation. 

The one in blue pulls me to the center of the bar where people are mingling. Ryan didn’t object so I come along with him. This is the first time I have been outside of the house and I do not want to blow it already. If those sitcoms have taught me anything it’s how to behave in a bar. If Danielle is gone for good, then maybe Ryan will take me out more often. 

“What do you think of that girl over there?” He asks, pointing to a woman on the other side of the room. I observe for a moment. She is of average height. Tan skin. Curly black hair. Distinctly feminine features. The bright red shirt she has on is the exact same shirt I saw someone wearing when I first came in. Nothing out of the ordinary stands out.

“Her hair is curly.” I reply. 

“Okay, but what do you find attractive about her?” He asks again, this time he looks at me with his eyebrows furrowed.

“Well, if you are asking me what about her I find pleasing to the senses according to the definition of attractive, I would say I would have to get closer to her. From this distance I cannot come up with anything.” I say more honestly this time.

“You’re a weird dude robot man thing.” He says patting me on the shoulder as he walks back to the bar, clearly giving up on the game. 

I stand there still with my arms to my sides. I mimic holding a drink in my hand with my fist sticking out directly in front of my chest to look more like the others. The girl, and who I assume are her group of her friends, much like Ryan’s, all stop dancing to look back at me. She leans over and talks with her hand covering her mouth to the tall man who is next to her. He nods his head a few times and covers his mouth as he responds back to her. I get a strange feeling I cannot place as it settles within me that they must be talking about me. I twirl around, almost knocking myself off balance from the sudden movement to look for Ryan, but he is not where I left. There are too many unfamiliar faces crowding around me.

I feel a hard tap on the top of my shoulder, much harsher than the pat from Ryan’s friend in the blue only moments ago. I slowly turn back around and the man from the group is looking down at me. His deep brown eyes intense. His hair shaved close to his head. Muscles clearly visible beneath his long grey shirt. He smells distinct from the rest of the people in the bar, in a good way. His cologne very pleasing to my senses. Maybe this is what the friend in the blue shirt meant. He was just asking about the wrong person.

“Do we have a problem?” He asks, his voice deep.

“No, I don’t believe we do.” 

“Then why do you seem to have a staring problem?” He crosses his arms across his chest.

“My friend was asking me what I found attractive about who I presume is your friend over there, but I could not come up with a response,” I say looking away. “However, I do find you very attractive instead. Your cologne is very dis-

“Excuse me.” He says moving closer to me as he cuts me off. 

“I was saying tha-“ 

Ryan suddenly grabs me by the arm and leads me out of the bar. Once we are outside he walks briskly back to where we parked, more frustrated than he was when we arrived.

“Maybe you’re not ready to be around other people yet.” Ryan says as he pulls me down the street and into the passenger seat of his car. 

“I don’t understand. I thought I was fitting in nicely.” I say pulling the seatbelt across myself. 

“I wouldn’t consider almost getting into a bar fight fitting in nicely, but you are still in one piece. Either you need to watch different tv shows or I have to update your hardware because that was embarrassing.” 

“Just promise me you will give me another shot.” I plead. 

“Of course. You’ll fit in eventually.” 

I accept that as an answer. I allow myself to smile just a bit as we make our way back home. I consider my first outing a success.