Ten seconds of waiting

Submitted into Contest #74 in response to: Write a story that takes place across ten seconds.... view prompt

4 comments

Fantasy Sad


Eleven-year-old Julie opened her eyes very slowly and she could not feel her lower limb with severe pain in the head she could not understand what happened after everything went lightning fast for her trying to remember the last shot in her imagination speaking to herself " it was a white light and it was so hot and then I flew in the air and Julie tried to move and stand, but she was unable to do so, 

she remained lying on the ground on her back, she looked around and saw only the bodies and the injured and the blood everywhere.she had four twinks since she opened her eyes and she felt death approaching her feeling of helplessness, weakness, numbness, loneliness and despair made her cry andAnd she spoke with herself .

"Strange where my mom and Carl and Susan was holding her hand, but what really happened was I started screaming . 

"Help me, help me Mom Mom Mom, Carl, Susan where I am." 

Julie took another peek around her trying to at least sit down to realize that not feeling her limbs was the presence of a car door above them the pain was so terrible that in one movement and the pain increased, it seemed to her time had stopped the moment she opened her eyes and everything was going slowly to remember that they were heading to the clothing Bazaar .

"Yes, sweetheart, I know, I know everything you'll have after you buy it."

"And I'll be accompanied by my mother .you told me that yesterday. I love that, too," seven-year-old little Susan. 

"And what about the Iron Man and the sneakers?Karl .

" Let's first get to the plaza and then buy everything you want." Mam.

Julie remembers everything that happened before the accident and still wondering about the fate of her mother and her two brothers .

"Where am I Where am I wondered Julie again."

"Are you okay, baby? do you feel anything?" a bloodied stranger asked her, trying to lift the car door off her feet .

"My mom and my brothers don't know where they are but, Sir, what happened to" Julie .

"We don't know yet, baby, I'm looking for my son and I haven't found him .

"For the pain in my legs, but I couldn't find my mother and my brothers" Julie .

"Don't worry, baby, everything's gonna be okay. paramedics are coming in and you'll find them. just calm down."

Julie was very, very worried the strange man tried to carry her but could not her feet were seriously injured .

Look Julie the sky and began to pray, hoping to find her mother and her brother and the growing memories in her little mind and started to remember all the beautiful events you try to ignore the pain .

Speaking to herself, she said: "Do you remember Julie the day we went to the beach on a school trip, that was really great, how about we played rope, basketball and racing, that was great, Where Are you, Tara, my dear friend," and what about my grandmother's 80th birthday and the cake that the dog dropped and we didn't eat " ،

 "And what about the day of the death of my father, it looks like I'm gonna die just like me , I can remember that awful day last year was so terrible I actually can't believe that my dad is no longer with us, my mom says that his heart stopped beating and that it happened suddenly because of anxiety and discomfort to his feelings that don't belong at work, I always feel like she is lying about it, but how to stop someone's heart without warning, it was all fine we had breakfast that morning and then he kissed me and before Karl and Susan and then went to work and my mom's experience was that the food, I remember when I didn't buy a lead pencil for drawing classes went to the room knocked on the door, but he didn't answer, as usual, and did not open the half door to see who it was, knocked on the door again so you should also start it I called out to Dad, Are you here, why you should, too, he opened the door himself and found him lying on the ground I quickly ran to my mom and called her and she ran toward him called him several times didn't you call an ambulance, but it was over they said he's been dead twenty seconds and despite attempts to revive him, but he never did wake up again, And transfer to the hospital to find out the cause of death . My mother called my grandfather and my grandmother and they prepared the day of the funeral and then my father was taken from me and put in the dirt and I haven't seen him since .

She feels that it is too long since she opened her eyes to remember all those memories that exist in her little mind and she is still wondering where her mother and her two brothers are she started screaming, " Mom, Mom, mom, Where am I?" Julie.

"What's your baby are you still in pain" strange " man .

"I want my mom where my mom wants my mom" about crying .

"Don't worry you need to calm down and just, it'll be all on. Fine."Julie

"It won't be where Mom I want mom, bring me mom," Julie cried . The memory of her father's death never leaves her, she kept accompanying her for several months last year because she did not realize and did not bear his separation from her and for her since her father was not injured and died, how can she live with blood and can not move her legs .

And finally, ten seconds later, the paramedics went, " how long has she been like this, what's your name, how old are you?"

"Ten seconds ago" strange man .

"Have you seen my mother and my brothers" Julie .

"Don't worry Julie will be taken to the hospital and everything will be fine, I gave birth to her name Julie and she's eleven years old," the mother with tears streaming down her eyes . 

"Mom, Where Have you been and Where are Carl and Susan," Julie .

"Don't worry, they're fine. they've been taken to the hospital. we'll catch up with them now."

 Are they Okay? what happened, mom, Julie ?

" Don't worry, baby .we'll go first to the hospital and then we'll talk about it " mam .

"It's okay !   Wonder you have her feet damaged so much, you are lucky, Julie and so strong " medic.

And the paramedics brought her to the ambulance to be taken to the hospital.

December 31, 2020 05:10

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4 comments

06:15 Jan 07, 2021

I see a lot of potential in this story, and I think there's one main thing to keep in mind: (1) try being clear when writing a dialogue (who's saying what), and be clear if the dialogue is being spoken or if the character is thinking to themself. It helps us become attached to the characters if we get to know about their personality and what goes on in their head. Keep up the good work!

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04:27 Jan 08, 2021

I do thank you, but my original writing is in Arabic and I think its translation into English makes its content and meaning change , or maybe it's not well translated, thank you for your attention

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Claire Tennant
01:11 Jan 07, 2021

This story has the potential to be great It might pay you to edit a little more carefully; you had Mom and Mam Carl and Karl Sometimes to make it clearer for the reader it is a good idea to give a time frame E.G The1st para being, in this case, the accident 2, the flashback to her Dad's death, 3. accident scene. The difficulty with writing (and I'm guilty of this too) is feeling the emotion of the story but conveying your message in a manner that the reader knows what you are saying. "It is not always easy but like anything practice ma...

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01:16 Jan 07, 2021

Thanks. I really needed someone's opinion . I'm a new writer. it's been about a month, and so far no one's criticized me.

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